to think shiftwork isnt an excuse!

[pandapiebald]

DH does nothing (nada, zip, f* all) about the house because he works shifts (NHS, very stressful and busy role). He last mowed the lawn last summer, hoovered one bedroom about 6 weeks ago, and probably last turned on the dishwasher (only half loaded) over a month ago. He's even less helpful with the kids because he's always too tired to spend longer than 5 minutes with them. This is before, during, after and between shifts - there is always an excuse!
He claims none of his coleagues have to do anything at home (and apparently their wives don't nag either
So AIBU to expect him to pull his weight when he is home? (fwiw I always wait on him hand and foot during shifts cos I do know it's a difficult job and its one way I live to show I care ).
I'm fed up, so please tell me how the rest of you split jobs at home when one of you works shifts!

i wouldnt expect him to do anything during the week when he is working, but i would expect him to on his days off

shift work can be very draining - my husband does it and i know when my dad did it, it probably contributed to his early death :(

Thinking about when I do the odd night shift, I get home and sleep til 2ish but then get up and do the school pick up and sort out (a not much effort) dinner for us all, then have an earlyish night.

Collecting and feeding the DCs is not optional

Housework aside, it doesn't sound like he is living. It sounds as if work has consumed his life. I agree with others about him visiting occupational health.

My 18 month old can help unpack the dishwasher and switch it on when it's full. She is a genius of course but I'm sure if a toddler can work a dishwasher, your DH can.

What did he do before kids? Before he met you? It never ceases to amaze me that men get married, have children and do less housework than before when there is clearly MORE housework to be done.

DH works shifts and they are exhausting. However, he is great at playing with the DC and shifts allow time for that most days. I work 20+ hours and I do 90% of the housework (it's a shit-tip usually so not much ) and 75% of the cooking, and all of the organisation. I get pissed off sometimes because it feels too much, but I know I'd struggle to have any energy if I worked the shifts he does. If he didn't bother with the DC I'd be really pissed off. I wouldn't put up with the situation you describe.

OP, what does your DH do? If he just works and sleeps, then he might be defensible, but if he sits around on a playstation or fucks off down the pub for hours on end then it's a different story.

A logical argument to persuade him?? "It's your mess and your children's mess - who you are responsible for". It doesn't take much to tidy up a bit after yourself.

AnnieLobeseder I accept it because I don't think the arguments or feelings of resentment make a good environment or atmosphere for my children.
And as for if he doesn't pull his weight, leave, my life would not be easier at all! It'd be the same just without the man I love (despite his flaws), without the man my children adore and without the extra money he brings home.
I accept it because even though it's crap and I would love some help, he has qualities that I love, so rough with smooth and all that.

While I agree that marriage should be about compromise, it shouldn't be about sacrifice, and that sacrifice all on your part.. Does he know how unhappy he is making you by not pulling his weight? Have you really, really told him? Because if he knows, and just doesn't care, then how can he actually love you? Would you continue with a behaviour that made him miserable? If you love him, of course you wouldn't.

If he doesn't love and respect you enough to change, then your marriage is just a mutually convenient arrangement (and far more convenient for him than for you).

I just don't understand women who put their own needs and feelings below their children's and their husband's, always. What about you?

I work shifts working an average of 56 hours per week, in reality I work 72 hours in a row with 3 days off at end

I still manage to do most of the housework, child related stuff, homework, baking for upcoming school fete etc

Your OH is taking the piss and as for his collegues not habving to well thats like DD coming in saying but xyz mum lets them FFS he needs to grow up

I suggest if you work go on strike lol

yanbu, my dp works shifts in a stressful job, when he is at work often for 30hrs or more at once i do EVERYTHING ,obviously! but when he is at home we are both hands on with housework and the kids! i am a sahm and as such i do the majority of the cleaning when he is at work but when he is at home he helps with the children and the cooking, washing up, laundry and general tidying etc. we both try and make sure we give each other some time off but basically when we are both at home we are both equally responsible for the children and the housework.

Yes I've told him.
I do honestly think he loves me, I know he loves me, he just doesn't know how to.
I don't have the answers for other peoples situations, I'm just saying what makes it easier for me to be able to deal with a dp that does very little.
I accept the dynamics of our relationship, there are good and there are bad, but I certainly wouldn't think of leaving him because he doesn't pick up the hoover.
I might be kidding myself that things will change, but that's my choice.

My husband works shifts in a stressful job, 3 differing shift patterns including nights and weekends. I work part-time. He does as much "around the house" as I do, he puts washing on, irons, does the shopping if I'm working and he looks after our children on the days he's off and I'm at work, cuts the grass etc.

He's not a feckin' martyr or saint, we've been married for 14 years and I'm not his Mum, bloody right he does his share. It wouldn't occur to him not to. I have 3 young daughters and there's no way I want them to assume that the majority of housework should fall to someone just because their partner does shifts.

That is what depresses me. You make your own choices and your own compromises in your own marriage. However, a whole new generation of women is being brought up to think of this as women's work (as well as working out of the home in so many cases) and a whole generation of boys is being raised to be lazy, entitled and sexist. It makes me weep.

My DH is the same as yours OP. On his days off (from shifts) he sits on the laptop all day or when he had the xBox (before he smashed it up) he'd be on that or upstairs watching Rugby. Even when I'm ill he doesn't help out I kind of get told off for it! He'll spend about 5 mins each day with the DS's (4yr and 8m). The 8m - DH has never even bathed or fed him. I get up in the nights with both of them and am pg with DS3 now and still have to do it all we don't go on days out when he's on holidays either its the same as above. I don't even expect him to do half of the chores just help me out now and again and to not get into a huff when I ask him to get some bread on his way back from work! So no YANBU.

He said to me on 2 occasions that I can remember "Why would I want to deal with fucking screaming kids on my days off". Moody twat.

notgrownup - serious question - why are you having another dc with this bloke?

I got caught pretty much straight after DS2 . I'd always wanted 3 kids and can manage the workload as I'm used to it all (DS1 loves to help in his own special way which is funny) but would just like some help now and again seems so marriage is meant to be a partnership. Not much to ask really.

freerange I have the same answer from my dh ? he saves lives and apparently needs his downtime to be at his best. I have pointed out that this was effectively putting the blame on me if someone then died because he?d been stressed out by me or the kids before work! He didn?t get it.
arion you should have heard the stop when I told him he was doing his own clothes!
It?s not that he cant do it ? he managed fine on his own before we lived together and did fair part of the housework while I was working full time before we had kids. It has just steadily got worse since I?ve been cast in the ?mum? role. His friends all joke that he would starve without me and I used to think that was funny.
comedy hadn?t thought about occupational health :D he?s been signed off before and tbh I couldn?t wait for him to get back cos even though it helped his stress...
nagoo dh spends all his downtime playing xbox and catching up his recoded shows. Since I rely on cbeebies to entertain the kids while I work (and stop them roaming the rest of the house unsupervised) I cant work longer than 15 minutes without an interruption (see above). Then I have to spend my evenings working to catch up.
annielobeseder I put my kids first. I did used to ?be a bit messed up and?put him first so I know how I got into this mess.
I don?t want my kids to live this growing up. I?m privately determined to take this as far as separation if I have to before they start school. But we used to be really good together, best friends, and now I?m his mum. Wigglesrock I want your marriage (do you hear that oftern?) and right now the only chance of that is if he?s a better dad to older kids than babies and he gets a massive payrise so neither of does housework (haha).
Notgrownup  havent told dh that I'm never having another baby with him even if we wanted too. Seriously, I'd rather be a single mum of 3 on benefits if I had too than face that again.
And thank you to everyone who?s replied that IANBU.

Pandpiebald - What about your stress? Do you're parents help out at all by taking the kids out for the day/overnight?

Both NHS shift workers here. Ds is 12 m. DH works 60+ hrs and I do 22 hrs.

It's tiring and I do most of housework .

My DH works shifts, also extremely busy, stressful, physically and emotionally demanding job. Sometimes doesn't even get time to eat the sandwiches he made for himself while he's at work.
We have 2 dc's under 3 and I work 2 days, also shifts. So his days off are often spent doing all the childcare while I'm at work.
He makes the evening meals on the nights he's not at work, we have dog and I have a horse so he often does kids breakfast or kids tea while I'm mucking out/dog walking.
He helps with other stuff like tidying, dishwasher, floor cleaning, ironing, bins etc

YANBU & its pretty rubbish your DH doesn't want to spend some time with the kids.

I have a stressful job working shifts in the nhs (albeit at 60 % of fulltime). I save lives too. I also look after the kids cook the majority of the meals and do wine housework. So does my dh. We are a team who work together to do what needs to be done.

Your dh is behaving like a total twat. So what if he has a stressful job with antisocial shifts. So do you - you are a fulltime mum with 2 small children, house keeper, and you try to hold down paid work to.

I am furious on your behalf!

Notgrownup I havent any other help. My parents live too far away and have no idea (and a trully stepford set-up). I havent any girlfriends close enough to talk about this and we met pretty young so all our friends know him better than me tbh (he's very social and would go out leaving me with babies).
I've lurked for a long time and that's been an education in what I should be expecting. DH thinks mumsnet is full of radical feminists and left-wing hippies :o

Wine housework? :o

Meant to be some housework but wine sounds good!

Just leave him with the kids for a few days. If you get back and he hasn't done anything round the house, take the kids to a family member's and tell him you won't go back until he has sorted out the mess.