AIBU to not want my ILs to control our finances?

[SweetChilliSauce]

This is my first ever post so please bear with me if you can ? apologies for the length but I?m trying to avoid drip feeding.

DP?s parents own two houses. The house they live in (DP?s childhood home) and the house that belonged to DP?s grandmother, which they inherited when she sadly passed away a number of years ago. DP?s grandmother?s house has been in their family for around 100 years so it is owned outright ? no mortgage. The house had been empty since she died.

When DP and I found out we were expecting DS, his parents were incredibly generous and offered us the opportunity to move in to the empty house and live there for 5 years, rent free. This was, they said, to give us a chance to save for a mortgage, and not be under financial pressure to have both of us working full time whilst DS was little. We knew that this was an amazing opportunity and very kind of them, and we gratefully accepted. We have been here for nearly two years now.

The house was in need of a substantial amount of work, but we were more than happy to put in the time and the money to make a home for ourselves and give ourselves a chance to pay off debt / save when the work was done. In financial terms, the project cost us around the same as what we would have paid in rent for a year, and I worked hard renovating the house both whilst I was pregnant (we were trying to complete the work before the birth so I did this full time instead of working) and for some months after the birth. DP?s parents also contributed financially to the project, as did mine. We didn?t ask either sets of parents for this help, but they offered, and we were very thankful.

I am pretty good at handling finances, and have been looking after mine and DP?s budget and outgoings for quite a while (I do this because DP doesn?t want to, and I do enjoy a good spreadsheet(!) ? the arrangement works well enough for us). We have certainly had odd periods where we have overspent but we have learnt from them, and we?ve been on an even keel (paying off credit cards / overdrafts and saving money) for a good while now. We know how much we have to save in order to put down a deposit on a mortgage, and are working on target towards this. We are responsible and everything is budgeted for.

Recently, despite the original agreement under which we moved in, DP?s parents have told us that they now require us to pay them £100 a week, which they will ?look after? for us. They have said that they ?do not believe we will save for a mortgage if it is left to us?, and thus need to control the figure of £100 a week paid to them and have it resting in an account to which they and DP (not myself) have access, though DP is not to touch it without their say so.

I feel really uncomfortable with this arrangement. I could almost understand it if they were saying they had changed their mind and now wanted us to pay rent on the house (but would be a little as that wasn?t the agreement under which we moved in and carried out all the work), but the idea of someone other than DP and I controlling our savings does not sit well with me.

I think that our savings should be in our savings account. This is mostly because it is simply our money, but also because it leaves me in a financially vulnerable position if DP and I were to break up (which I hope to God never happens, and don?t foresee happening, but I guess nothing is ever certain) as none of the money would be in my name. DP and I have just always had ?our money? ? we?ve never been divisive.

I also think we should decide for ourselves how much we are saving, rather than having the figure dictated to us. At the end of the day, we're the ones that face the consequences if we frittered away our cash. We are currently putting away about £60-70 a week and we really are living on a shoe string to do so ? if we gave £100 a week to his parents we would have nothing left in the pot after bills to buy anything that wasn?t the weekly food shop, whether that was some babygrows for DS, a new workshirt for me, a haircut for DP, taking DS to the farm... everything. When I told my ILs they said we could ?ask? them for our money back to buy whatever the item was that we required.

I just don?t want to live like this. I know we are capable of just spending what we need and putting the rest into savings (not least because that's what we've been doing) ? I don?t want to go and have to ask my inlaws for our own money every time I need to buy myself some tights. I have tried to explained this to them but they don?t seem to see the problem. I certainly don?t want to have to ask their permission and for our own money if DP and I want to go out for dinner or something else that?s just for ?enjoyment? (FWIW we?ve been out for dinner once this year so far...).

This is really stressing me out and it?s starting to cause problems between DP and I. If I?d have know at the outset that in order to live in the house we?d have to let DP?s parents control our finances and savings then I?d have said thanks but no thanks ? it is just not a situation that I would be happy with under any circumstances. It feels really controlling and belittling.

AIBU to not want to do this? I think, really, that I would much rather we moved out and made a go of it on our own ? paying rent and saving for a mortgage at the same time like everyone else, even though it would obviously take longer. AIBU?

The thing is, you are already compromised as you are living in their home rent free and they are not obligation to continue to let you do so. Unfortunately they can kick you out any time they feel like unpalatable as it is, they hold the whip hand. I think some pacifying and compromising might be in order.

I think it is a bad idea to hand over the money in the manner suggested. I would be loathe to do that.

If you feel you want to stay, try offering to set up a joint savings account in your and your partner's name that can't be accessed for three years and set up a direct debit at an amount you can afford. Those ones with a 'lock in' period often have a higher rate of interest too. Set up a direct debit for an amount you can afford - say £75 quid a week and then see what they say.

I'd also consider a quickie marriage, if you feel the relationship is stable as it puts you in a much stronger position legally.

Quintessential ? my god, that is shocking. You must be so relieved to be out of that now ? what an awful thing for your family to go through. You felt how I feel ? better to take a financial hit and preserve our independence and self-respect. What you said about the controlling condition of the 'garden office' rang a bell ? FIL has on several occasions gotten angry with me about the fact that I took DS home to see my side of the family for 5 days (they live on the other side of the UK) three times last year without DP (DP was of course invited, but couldn't get the time off work). We didn't even pay for the journey - my parents did. Just....WTAF.

Dozer ? yes I agree, I think our money should be in joint accounts, and all money be family money. That's how we've always done it! I started thinking that I would have to make my own 'nest egg' when I thought that we had no other option but to bow to PILs demands and give them our savings to 'look after' ? since I've realised that we do have options other than staying here, I've retracted this.

We couldn't afford to buy the house we live in at the moment, but my gut feeling, like robocornysilk is that buying it would never be a good idea. It's something we talked about before all of this kicked off (and before we realised quite how many ongoing issues there are with the property) but I honestly think that then we'd nominally 'own' a house that PIL still saw as theirs.

Like a good few people have suggested, I'm going to draw up a spreadsheet showing exactly how much we have put into the place, and how much my family have contributed as well. As someone said ? I suppose actually we have not been living 'rent free' but have been paying 'rent' through financing renovation work. I think this needs to be in black and white for my benefit (so I can back up my arguments with actual concrete facts and figures) but really for my DP, who frankly has no idea exactly what a huge amount it has cost us.

I am so relieved that so many of you are saying that this situation would be inconceivable to you as well ? I really had started wondering if I am causing a fuss about nothing. We are adults (not exceedingly young ones either ? I'm 28 and have been financially independent from my parents for the last decade!) and I am not going to be treated like a child. It's ridiculous, insulting and damaging.

As Sundae says, I understand that they don't want their son to screw things up, but he isn't a kid anymore ? he's a grown up with his own family. They say they have to interfere 'for his / our own good', and I say they have to leave us to sort things out for ourselves, and leave us to the consequences of our actions. Really now ? are they planning on still 'looking after' our money for us when we're 40? 50? How and when will DP ever learn for himself that he has it in him to be a financially responsible individual with this kind of infantalising attitude?

Is DP going to commit to us and be an adult? Or allow his parents to make his life decisions for him? I think that he can do it, he just needs to realise that he wants to do it, and that he has a choice. I think he needs to realise that he doesn't actually have to let his parents control or authorise his decisions, but I suspect that he is going to have to challenge a lot of the ideas that he has grown up with in order to do so.

I need him on side, for our relationship to survive we have to be a team that trusts each other. I need him to have the respect for, and the faith in, our own family's capabilities to look after and manage our financial future.

I think I will try one last time to get them to agree to us managing our own money whilst living here, something along the lines that ComposHat suggested (with only us as signatories to the account) and if not, I'll say that we need to leave and go it alone.

I hope we get there! Thank you so much everyone who reassured me that I am definitely not being unreasonable (mad, daft or ungrateful!), and who gave excellent advice, understanding, and insight. I am very grateful.

Best of luck, OP. I really think the sooner you are out of there, the better, even if it takes you longer to save for your deposit. Also, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that you have actually spent the same or more on renovations as on two years rent!

I would be asking why they have changed their minds so suddenly, and put the condition on the account that DP can access it but not you.

That shouts out to me that they now have reason to think either that you are no longer to be trusted, or that you may be thinking of leaving your DP.

From what you have told us, they have no reason whatever to have either suspicion. So there is something going on that we don't know about. But if you both accept this ultimatum (or DP does it on your joint behalf) it is going to drive a wedge between you.

Someone asked above what happens if you ILs fall under a bus. I would be more concerned about what happens if DP falls under a bus. Without any written agreement they could throw you and DC out on the street.

TBH, I wouldn´t bother arguing with them/justifying anything-I´d just get out.

Maybe show them what you have spent on the house & that that could have been savings so far-more than likely they´ll tell you that they could have done it for less, you use too much electricity, blah, blah, blah...

just tell them it's very kind of them to offer to save the money for you both but that you have both decided that you will save the money in your own bank account. Or alternitvley get your mum and your name on an account with the same arrangement instead. Say you will be happier that was as you wouldn't want to ask your FIL for money for personal items.

Make sure you include the costs of your labour when you do up the spreadsheet to work out how much these fuckers have scammed you.

You would be utterly crazy to even consider having your savings in an account without your name on it.

agree, document everything that you have spent on diy. then stop doing any diy.

keep saying no, you won't be giving them 100 a week. don't discuss the issue with them but tell them directly that this is your final decision and you won't be changing your mind. you do your own finances, nobody else.

if the pressure is too much, present IL's and DH with renting details of properties close to his work. Explain that you could get rid of car and save insurance petrol costs.

If something happens to your partner or PIL under the current conditions it's your CHILD who will suffer most! Over on the SEN boards we are all sadly aware of how we are all one crash or serious illness away from an altered existence.

Your name being excluded from the proposed savings account shows that you are not regarded as part of the family unit. Your PIL see you as a ligger - how frigging insulting to you as the mother of their grandchild, and your parents who trusted them to do the honest thing.

They resent you taking the child to see your family and so outside their sphere of influence? MASSIVE red flag this. If this were your husband and not your PIL we'd all be screaming "emotional abuse" - is it any less damaging for being the PIL as perpetrators?

Once you have a child, then the welfare of the child comes before ANYTHING & your PIL are demanding you risk your baby's security on their whim. A tenancy with MY name on it & an independent Landlord would be my over riding priority in your shoes right now.

It's hard to feel you've sunk a years labour and cash into this project when you acted in good faith, however failing to accept that your PIL do not have your best interests in mind would be VERY dangerous.

I'm not given to wasting time reasoning with the unreasonable so not sure I'd bother with massive spreadsheets showing the value of my contribution in parental cash and my labour. I'd rather focus my energies on escaping this trap asap with or without my partner. He's a grown man & a father so he either has the natural instinct to protect his family (you & his child) or he doesn't by now.

they are unreasonable, not you. keep control of your own finances.

Show them what you've spent so far.
Detail the side benefits of having you live there - money saved in insurance, council tax, etc, plus a conservative estimate of th increase in value caused by your investment in materials, time and labour - not to mention the peace of mind from being protected from squatters and so on.
Smile sweetly and say that, contrary to what they might believe, the generosity of this arrangement has been on your side not theirs, but that, since you want to buy your own place and since they have forced the issue, you can no longer afford to subsidise them.
Move out as quickly as you can.

Good luck with all this. I hope you find somewhere to rent and a new job quickly, and that you get the proper support from your DP.

Some more great advice there, thank you all.

Ok. I feel absolutely certain now that we will not be going along with this, as well as totally justified and rational in saying no.

If they will not change their terms back to letting us get on with our own money management, then I will tell DP that the situation is no longer viable and we will have to move somewhere else... obviously he has the option to stay and be belittled / 'managed', but I'd like to think that DS and I mean enough to him that he'd chose to come with us and build an independent life together.

I'm going to see my parents for a couple of days and tell them what's been going on / seek their advice... I think they'll be mortified, to be honest.

And I'm definitely getting life insurance sorted this week. No more taking chances on not being hit by a bus, etc.

Chilli
My DH buys up houses and renovates them so I have pretty good idea of how much it costs to do this.

I have a horrible feeling that you will have spent more, especially when you factor in your labour and not working etc, than you would have done renting somewhere for £4800 - £5400pa over the last two years (even before you look at the extra fuel costs etc).

I think you really need to get those figures in front of your DP to get him to realise that your rent free home may have cost you more than a rented one.

YANBU

i think that you have a few options, that may wind ur in-laws up, keep them on side or throw a complete spanner in the works.

1. you could sit the in-laws down, and tell them what you are saving each week approx. and it is none of their business but if you feel comfortable discuss ur bdget sheets with them. see if it gets them off your back

2. money in ur in laws and dp name is not legally your money. additionally if anything happened to ur in-laws that money would not be classed as your dp's but wud go into their pot, so effectively if they say left everything between their say 3 children you would only get bk 1/3 of that part. your dp may be the only beneficiary and so that wud be different.

3. outright say no. this risks a family melt down and the potential of you wasting money paying rent. i would suggest saying no that does not sit comfortably with either of us, these are our reasons why...... we will not be doing it but thanks for the offer. You may then have a meltdown, or you may have to say, would you rather we moved out? Explain it will cost you in terms of loss of saving (the opposite of their suggestion) and inform them that since it will cost you, and that you have spent so much on the house, (terms of improvements and heating that they havent had to pay for) you will be thinking of/expecting some kind of help with your first few months rent.

have you asked why they think you cannot save yourselves? what does dp think? and asked why they want it in only his name?

good luck

Leaving aside their ridiculous controlling idea for a moment, you are living somewhere that creates £100 a week travel costs for one partner, and keeps the other miles from the possibility of working in the field for which they are qualified. Even with easy going non interfering PIL, I'd say thanks but no thanks.

what kind of renovations did you do? the things you mention-carpets and wallpaper are more making home more comfortable rather than renovations.

Good point, Cabrinha.

They made an inhabitable house habitable, and an unoccupied property into an occupied one.

Getting that "rent free" is not an unusual referendum.

YANBU - Its a shame that such generosity has turned into this control situation. I think your in-laws probably feel the are doing you a favour. My question would be, would you be able to afford to move out and get a place of your own if you're struggling to save £100 a month at the moment paying no rent or mortgage?

I would try and go round this situation by politely declining their offer to try and keep relations friendly.

I think you need to draw a line in the sand. As Chazsbrilliantattitude has said with the renovations, travel and high bills, you probably have had more going out than if you had rented a modest flat close to town. But there's nothing to stop you doing that right now at the end of the summer to maximise the lower heating bills and set out your stall.

Modest place: £90.00 pw, travel costs cut by 50% £50, £155 of bills probably cut by at least £50. The rent will fund itself on what you will save and you are likely to be better off financially and emotionally and will be able to say "we did it; we stood on our own two feet". Set it out in black and white for dp and if he wants to stay at grandma's old house, you have found out a lot about the priorities in his life.

There will be other benefits: dp will spend less time travelling as well as less money and you will be closer to possible work and more cheap and cheeful things such as community playgroups to make entertaining a small child cheap and cheerful.

can you tell us what the renovations were?

Read the novel The Little House by Philippa Gregory re. control and holding purse strings etc (seriously creepy re 'giving' a house, control and emotional abuse) ... then run, run like the wind/move ... There is no 'negotiating' with this level of control either and I speak from personal experience.

What did your parents say OP?