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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my SIL?

100 replies

Lexiesgirl · 01/06/2012 20:08

I posted about this on WWYD before, but I think its more an AIBU Smile

My DB and SIL have been married a year, they have a young DS and baby DD. I adore my DNephew but haven't really had an opportunity to bond with my DNiece (have only seen her a few times). Over the years I have seen my nephew loads and have helped out when my DB has been so strapped for cash he couldn't afford to by DN new clothes etc.

However my SIL has always been a bit... well, odd. I think she has severe PND and has never let anyone spend time alone with the DNs - by which I mean me and DG's aren't even allowed to take him into a different room in the house where she can't see him, let alone take him to the park or out for the day Confused Obviously this has been really upsetting for our parents, who are almost at the end of their tether. When my parents visit they aren't even offered the baby to hold after being there for several hours. DB won't confront SIL on these issues and seems to think that they are not too extreme (even though he isn't allowed to be on his own with his children!)

I had my DD 5 months ago, DB and SIL's first niece or nephew. It took DB 6 weeks to visit, and he came on his own. I never got a card from them. Now I understand with his own young family DB couldn't drop everything and come over but he did use to drive almost past our house on the way too and from work. The first time he was supposed to come he actually forgot! He has now seen his niece a few times and has been very loving with her, and he brings over clothes DNiece has grown out of, which is really kind of him. But he has to sneak the clothes out of the house as SIL doesn't want to/doesn't think of passing them over. Not that that's bad on its own, really, its just with everything else that it adds up.

What really makes it bad to me is that DM found out last week that SIL has not asked a single question about DD over the entire 5 months, even when DB has been to see her - basically, she has never mentioned her name or acknowledge that she exists.

I don't drive so it isn't possible for me to get to DB's on my own steam, but I should be heading over there with my parents quite soon. DM is adamant that if SIL doesn't acknowledge my DD or doesn't ask for a quick cuddle (we suspect this might happen as it would mean SIL putting her own DD down for a minute) then she is cutting ties with SIL and will only see DB and the kids on their own. I'm not sure that I blame her.

SIL's birthday is coming up very soon. Normally I would buy a present but I don't even feel like sending her a card or a text - though I know this will be seen as a huge slight. DB had a massive go at our parents for not sending a card when they got engaged (we're not really a card family on those occasions, so I don't know where he got that idea from).

I'm starting to stew over this. I don't mind so much for DD as she has other uncles and aunts on my DP's side who dote on her and plenty of our friends who are 'aunts' and 'uncles'. AIBU unreasonable not to acknowledge her birthday?

(Sorry, this turned out longer than I meant!)

OP posts:
Kayano · 01/06/2012 20:13

She may be Ill

She may be self centred pfb drama queen.

Either way I'd keep out of your mothers decision

But no way in hell would I send a text or card or anything if she can't even acknowledge your child exists.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2012 20:14

If you suspect she has severe PND, I wouldn't make any hasty decisions.

DamnBamboo · 01/06/2012 20:15

She doesn't sound as if she's very well to be honest.
Unless she's just always been like this, then what can you do.

Presumably you run the risk of not seeing your DNs if you don't want to see SIL since she doesn't let them out of her sight.

Think hard about this, it's not the DNs fault.

Don't bother with a card, I wouldn't and if you brother gets cross, tell him why

bigjoeent · 01/06/2012 20:16

What does your brother say, have you talked to him about it? Its not normal behaviour but it sounds as though your SIL needs help, not people cutting her off.

I'm not condoning her behaviour but I wouldn't start a family feud (word probably a bit strong but I cannot think of another at the mo) over it. Send a card, buy something for a birthday and try to get your brother to talk, he may need some support.

TidyDancer · 01/06/2012 20:16

YANBU.

Is SIL like this in life in general, or is this mainly a child-centred thing? Her behaviour does not sound even remotely normal to me.

pictish · 01/06/2012 20:19

I know one thing for sure - you and your mother seem hell bent on escalating the situation.

JubileeTatWearer · 01/06/2012 20:25

Is your SIL still bf'ing her baby?

The hormones do odd stuff. I have a very cute new Niece but have had absolutely no desire to cuddle or hold her - I am still bf'ing DS and I assume that's why. Was a bit the same with her older sister, for similar reasons I think.

My brain says she is a gorgeous little happy bundle and I should want to cuddle her. But I still have my own wriggly little man who I adore cuddling. So why would I want to cuddle another baby?

I hope that makes sense!

Otherwise I agree, she might be ill.

simperingsally · 01/06/2012 20:36

She does sound like she needs help.
Her not allowing Gp's and you to hold her baby is one thing but you said that your DB is not allowed to be alone with his children is worrying.
If it was me i would just send a card as a token gesture. I wouldn't want to upset db as it seems like he would get upset.
But you should try and get him to talk to sil and get her some help as it could easily be pnd or mh.

quoteunquote · 01/06/2012 20:49

maybe she has had some sort of trauma(child abuse), that she has suppressed until now,

she might be working through it,

why not be as kind as possible and keep extending the hand of friendship,

or you could start something that could not be undone,

there more to lose if you don't.

midori1999 · 01/06/2012 20:50

I agree with Pictish.

Perhaps your SIL sees things quite differently. Perhaps she was offended by the fact your family didn't even send an engagement card. I imagine someone to whose family cards are important could find that a bit of a kick in the teeth tbh.

I do think it is eceptionally out of order of your brother to sneak clothes and things out of the house that yoru SIL wants to keep. I would be devastated to find that my DH had secretly given DD's baby clothes away, absolutely devastated, they are her things and even though we will probably never use them again, they are extremely precious to me.

midori1999 · 01/06/2012 20:51

And it is that he isn't allowed to be alone with his children or that your SIL doesn't feel the need/feel able to leave them?

You don't come across as very pleasant tbh.

GnocchiNineDoors · 01/06/2012 20:58

You complain you didnt get a card off them when you dd was born yet criticize her for being miffed at not getting an engagement card?

RunnerHasbeen · 01/06/2012 20:59

This isn't very nice, you are chalking up a list of things she has done wrong in your eyes and she might be doing the same. Stop talking about her behind her back like this with your DB and DM, you are all winding each other up and making mountains out of molehills. None of your children will benefit from the parents behaving like this or from cutting contact. IME the most unhappy people are those who spend their lives deciding how other should behave and taking offence when they don't.

discrete · 01/06/2012 21:05

Why would she want to pick up your dd?

I have no interest in other people's babies. Don't see why I should, either.

I would be severely puzzled if someone threw a wobbly at me because of this.

5 mo just aren't particularly interesting, unless they are your own. One baby is very much like another....

GnocchiNineDoors · 01/06/2012 21:08

^^yy to this. Other peoples babies are dull, as is mine to anyone except me, dh and GPs

Original poster
Lexiesgirl · 01/06/2012 21:10

Pictish, midori, we're not 'hell bent on escalating' but I can see how it might come across that way. And the clothes thing hadn't crossed my mind, it was really just clothes DN hadn't had a chance to wear, but I'll point that out to DB next time he offers and explain to him that SIL might be upset about it.

It's quite hard to explain to what extent no one is allowed to be with the children bar my SIL and I stand by the fact that after 4 years my parents aren't overreacting to be hurt by not being able to do anything with their DGs than sit in a room and look at them.

Tidy, I don't know if this is her natural behaviour or PND as she had her DS quite soon after getting with DB so we didn't really get a chance to know her before before she was a mum. I know she is exactly the same with her family and they also aren't allowed to be alone with the kids. We've not been that close - different ages, different towns, we've not spent time together without the kids - so the opportunity to talk hasn't really arisen. I've tried to talk to DB about SIL possibly needing some help and/or support but he doesn't want to talk about it.

However I bow to the decision of AIBU and accept that I am being unreasonable and probably childish. I don't want to hurt any of the children involved so will send a card and present as usual and stop dwelling on things that are petty.

However - and this is a genuine question, not being snarky as I'm happy to accept what people have said already - is it not alright to be a little hurt that she hasn't acknowledge the existence of my DD in 5 months? Discrete, I know what you're saying about other people's babies and bearing that in mind I'll try and talk my mum down from her stance (I like cuddling other people's babies, so I guess that's clouding my view) but surely its not too unusual to think that my DD's aunt might at least ask DB how she is after he has seen her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lexiesgirl · 01/06/2012 21:14

Gnocchi, just saw that post - my parents didn't send a card but I sent a card and flowers as they told me they got engaged and were expecting DD on the same day. I'm a card and flowers person, parents are not and never have been, didn't explain that well.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 01/06/2012 21:16

I think it is very odd to not ever mention your new niece or nephew, or not bother to come and see them in five months, or not ever let anyone else pick up your child or even leave the room whilst other people are with your child.

All those saying that other people's babies are not interesting, really do you mean that you would think it normal to never ever mention them? A brand new baby, just arrived into your family? Not a word? I find that very hard to believe.

I would find this very hard to live with too OP.

discrete · 01/06/2012 21:16

But what exactly was she supposed to say? If I asked dh about sil's baby, the dialogue would be a little like this:

D: So, what was the baby like?
dh: erm....a baby?
D: oh.

So I probably wouldn't bother.

I'm not saying your sil may not have all sorts of issues, but blowing up about lack of interest in a baby seems a bit OTT. It takes much longer than 5 months for other people's children to go out of the generic 'baby' category into a person that most adults could conceivably be interested in (unless you have that 'all babies are amazing and cuddlable gene which some people seem to have).

GnocchiNineDoors · 01/06/2012 21:16

No probs. Maybe thats where you DB got it from then.

Original poster
Lexiesgirl · 01/06/2012 21:16

Oh, for... Grin - I really shouldn't try to multitask here! Gnocchi, I guess I meant that if SIL was upset about not getting a card then it was a surprise to me that she didn't send one to me, being a person who likes to send/receive cards on special occasions. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2012 21:18

I think some people always look for and assume the good in people. Maybe she has PND or old child abuse trauma and is trying. And, some people look for the bad and assume selfishness and bitchiness.

Thing is, the first might put you out a did but it costs next to nothing, the second could mean that you are being really horrible to someone vulnerable.

bigjoeent · 01/06/2012 21:18

YANBU to be hurt by her actions, I would be, I just think that there is more going on here. It is weird that neither set of GPs can have a normal relationship with their GC (weird and depriving the children of a special relationship). Their reaction is understandable, anyone would be hurt. Your feelings aren't wrong or unreasonable, maybe how you respond to them is. The only think I can suggest is keep in contact with your brother, keep plugging away at him. Have you invited them all to your place?

pictish · 01/06/2012 21:21

DM is adamant that if SIL doesn't acknowledge my DD or doesn't ask for a quick cuddle (we suspect this might happen as it would mean SIL putting her own DD down for a minute) then she is cutting ties with SIL and will only see DB and the kids on their own.

AIBU unreasonable not to acknowledge her birthday?

Escalating. Creating. Exacerbating. Joining in. Making worse.

It's obvious that there's something not right with her. Stop being so dense and support the poor woman. Then when she is able to get the hell over whatever is going on with her, you and your mother will be among the first people she trusts with her child.
Play the long game and wind your necks in. That's my advice.

HumphreyCobbler · 01/06/2012 21:21

There is only so long you can feel ok about turning the other cheek. I think the OP should carry on turning the other cheek but I don't blame her for being heartily sick of putting up with it.

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