about my SIL?

[Lexiesgirl]

I posted about this on WWYD before, but I think its more an AIBU

My DB and SIL have been married a year, they have a young DS and baby DD. I adore my DNephew but haven't really had an opportunity to bond with my DNiece (have only seen her a few times). Over the years I have seen my nephew loads and have helped out when my DB has been so strapped for cash he couldn't afford to by DN new clothes etc.

However my SIL has always been a bit... well, odd. I think she has severe PND and has never let anyone spend time alone with the DNs - by which I mean me and DG's aren't even allowed to take him into a different room in the house where she can't see him, let alone take him to the park or out for the day Obviously this has been really upsetting for our parents, who are almost at the end of their tether. When my parents visit they aren't even offered the baby to hold after being there for several hours. DB won't confront SIL on these issues and seems to think that they are not too extreme (even though he isn't allowed to be on his own with his children!)

I had my DD 5 months ago, DB and SIL's first niece or nephew. It took DB 6 weeks to visit, and he came on his own. I never got a card from them. Now I understand with his own young family DB couldn't drop everything and come over but he did use to drive almost past our house on the way too and from work. The first time he was supposed to come he actually forgot! He has now seen his niece a few times and has been very loving with her, and he brings over clothes DNiece has grown out of, which is really kind of him. But he has to sneak the clothes out of the house as SIL doesn't want to/doesn't think of passing them over. Not that that's bad on its own, really, its just with everything else that it adds up.

What really makes it bad to me is that DM found out last week that SIL has not asked a single question about DD over the entire 5 months, even when DB has been to see her - basically, she has never mentioned her name or acknowledge that she exists.

I don't drive so it isn't possible for me to get to DB's on my own steam, but I should be heading over there with my parents quite soon. DM is adamant that if SIL doesn't acknowledge my DD or doesn't ask for a quick cuddle (we suspect this might happen as it would mean SIL putting her own DD down for a minute) then she is cutting ties with SIL and will only see DB and the kids on their own. I'm not sure that I blame her.

SIL's birthday is coming up very soon. Normally I would buy a present but I don't even feel like sending her a card or a text - though I know this will be seen as a huge slight. DB had a massive go at our parents for not sending a card when they got engaged (we're not really a card family on those occasions, so I don't know where he got that idea from).

I'm starting to stew over this. I don't mind so much for DD as she has other uncles and aunts on my DP's side who dote on her and plenty of our friends who are 'aunts' and 'uncles'. AIBU unreasonable not to acknowledge her birthday?

(Sorry, this turned out longer than I meant!)

Well she has her own baby, so that´s maybe why she´s not interested in yours.

If her own mother is in the picture-is she allowed to hold the baby?

At the end of the day if your brother is ok with what goes on between his wife, children & parents, that´s that.

I don't have anything to add, except that I also think it's a bit off not to acknowledge someone's new baby.
I have quite a few cousins, many of whom are having babies. I don't see them often, but when I do, I'll ask after them. It's interest in how my cousins are doing as much as it is interest in the baby. In the same way, if one of them had a new job, I'd ask how it was going.
Doesn't mean you want the ins and outs of every bottle and dirty nappy (see what I did there?!), just as you don't want 'How's your new job?' to end in a detailed plan of every meeting they've attended that week, but if something lovely has happened to someone in the family then yes, it's odd not to ask about it. You don't have to be baby-mad and overcome with desire to cuddle the new arrival to just ask.

Personally i would send the card. It takes a second and can be a cheap 99p one. it stops a row firstly. it means that if she fights with ur dm, you are not being cast as the one who stirred the pot. its hard on ur db, if he thinks his whole family has something against his dp. i suspect you want to keep a good realtionship with him, consider sending it for his benefit if nil else. plus if she has pnd then she has a lot going on, and the support might help.

I think that 6 weeks is quite a reasonable time frame in which to visit a new baby. Also she is perfectly within her rights to hang on to the clothes or give then away to who ever.

She might need you to be kind to her rather then so expectant and harsh? She sounds like she has a touch of PND and worries about her kids and finds little things overwhelming. Maybe thats why she has found welcoming a new baby/sending cards difficult. It really isn't about you but more about her finding things hard.

Your parents sound rather immature and huffy about the whole thing - which is the opposite of what they should be. Your SIL has a baby and it's quite normal to keep a baby in sight and not want it to be taken off willy nilly for hours. She obviously doesn't trust your parents and I wonder why that is? Is her mistrust of them founded on something that has happened?

The best thing you can do is be supportive and warm towards her. Don't make her feel judged. See the positive and tell her about how you are finding motherhood. The good and bad bits.

I too agree with you OP. It's a little odd not to acknowledge a new arrival in the family, especially your first niece or nephew and even more especially if you've recently had a baby yourself.

In this situation I'd probably be a wee bit cheeky and send a birthday card from DD to her auntie.

I hope the situation resolves itself as it would be so much nicer for the kids to grow up in a loving extended family.

Try not to let yourself to get drawn into the middle of things. Good luck.

PFB???? Anybody?

Like others on here I would also not be interested in other babies. I don't think I showed any interest in my little DN's looking back, I certainly never held them as babies. DB wasn't hugely bothered about mine. But all that was fine. None of us are baby people. We all talk about the DCs a lot now they are big.

My DDs didn't go out with any family without us until they were about 10. Why would other people want to take them out without you? Why would they be bothered if they couldn't?

OP your family sound self-absorbed and suffocating. If I was on the receiving end of such behaviour I would be keeping my distance.

YANBU. Of course it is hurtful to not even have your new baby acknowledged by a family member. SIL must realise this, PND or whatever. She could have made at least one visit or phone call in 5 months. Even if she doesn't really feel interested she could just go through the motions, as she must know what is expected wthin the family.

However, From what you say about her behaviour with her own children, etc, there seems to be something very wrong. Could you tactfully bring it up with your DB and ask if he is encouraging her to get help etc.

I don't think I'd be sending a birthday card though, but you must be a nicer person than me!

(and no, you're not being 'PFB' at all. How weird to suggest this.)

Thanks nadia, I'm kind of struggling with some of the PFB comments because I really don't think its PFB to expect a member of the family to at least pretend to feign a slight interest.

I can picture how the convo about SIL not having acknowledged baby went, and despite DM being as occasionally loopy as a box of frogs and definitely stirring in this situation by telling me, she's not a liar and won't have made this up. It will have come about because in 5 months SIL will not have mentioned my DD or asked a question when DPs are with her and DB, even if the topic has come up. DM then would have said something to DB about it, and asked if SIL had ever mentioned DD. (Yes, I know it is nosy, wrong, overbearing etc)

So I'm not hurt because she hasn't called or texted or sent her own card. I'm hurt because she in all this time she has failed to acknowledge that DD exists.

Just to clarify, it is not SIL keeping baby in her sight, it is SIL still keeping several year old DS in her sight too. Neither DN is allowed to be alone with anyone but her, including all DG's on both sides of the family and my DB. This is not based on any issue that has happened before as nothing has had a chance to happen. By 'not being allowed to take them away' I don't mean taking them off for hour long trips (though personally I'm off that camp, I want DD and DG's to enjoy time together) I mean 'not taking them out of the room'. Home schooling has been discussed as well, and not for reasons of disagreement with the primary education system.

Our parents aren't suffocating and overbearing, I can't stress that enough. These things haven't been issues for the past 5 years, DM hasn't been pushing like this for 5 years. They have just grown tired and hurt and that the relationship they would have liked with their DGC's hasn't happened and that they have been pushed away a lot. DM's reaction now is not helpful, but is not been like this for years. SIL very definitely needs help so as I've said I'll completely back down and accept I am BU to do anything that will make the situation worse. I suppose, thinking about this and discussing it, I am getting angrier (probably not the word I want to use but its too early in the morning to think of the right one) with DB for not acknowledging that his wife is poorly and needs help, and letting the problems continue until it has affected SIL and DN's relationship with both sides of the family.

Albert, it was DB's birthday recently and I sent him a 'Happy Bday Uncle' card - sent it because there were no nice 'Brother' cards, but after it went in the post I suddenly though, God, that might be seen as a bit passive-aggressive...

(Sorry, I know I'm overexplaining here)

But your daughter has been acknowledged by your brother-not sure that his wife has to as well tbh.

And when your parents visit her-why should they be talking about your child?

I think the PFB comments are a bit much. And the comment about being an overbearing and controlling family . Wonder of pps really do think this?

It takes a large effort to NOT make idle conversation ("hows dn? Lovely") and I'm sorry it isn't normal behaviour to not allow your 4 year old out of your sight - its damaging.

OP, trust yourself here because this isn't a healthy family dynamic. Do you or your parents ever get to hold or cuddle the DNs / GCs?

That said it would be best not to escalate things - your DB, SIL and the kids will need you so they aren't completely isolated in future. If you can avoid losing your relationship with db and dns and sil completely then you are going to have to be really patient and around.

Sending sympathy and patience.

Lexiesgirl I would feel the same as you in your situation. I think your SIL's behaviour is unnatural and controlling. I would send a card for her birthday however, more for your DB's sake as much as anything. If she is I'll as you suspect then your db may well need your help/support in the future and he may be more reluctant to ask if there was any hostility. Good luck.

diddl really? Do you have dns? Do you like to hear about them? I do, most people do. And then, my dsis / db love to hear about about mine. It's what passes for normal family relations!
Sorry don't mean to sound harsh but I bet you do ask about family / friends People do, it's often a sign that this aren't all well when we drop out of doing normal things like this ....

Things not this. Phone. Good luck OP. Like Yorkstar many people would feel the same in this situation.

Its odd not to have asked or shown any interest in a new baby in the family. People on here send love and congratulations to people they have never met.

Yes, really.

I talk about my nieces with my sisters, there´s no need for my parents to talk to me about them as well-unless that´s what we choose to talk about.

If my parents didn´t talk about me/my children it wouldn´t bother me-I have the relationship I want with my parents/sisters/nieces.

I´d send her a card to be polite for your brother´s sake.

I think though that OPs mother isn´t happy with the way things are & perhaps wants OP to do/say something to try to change the situation?

Reading your last post it would certainly seem that SIL has anxiety issues at least. The fact that she never lets her children out of her sight and is considering home schooling for this reason isnt natural.

I'm a bit shocked at some of the comments towards op here. How on earth is it PFB to be hurt about this??? She hasn't DONE anything about it!

And tbf dm was probably in the height of it when she said that.

OP it is basic MANNERS to acknowledge the birth of a family member. I wouldn't say anything because it's not worth it but you have every right to think it's weird to have not gotten so much as a text.

And frankly it's just odd not to want to acknowledge another baby because you're so caught up with your own!

Diddl, if you didn't have a chance to talk to your sisters separately, then it wouldn't be odd to say that one sentence with DPs? SIL and I don't have a separate relationship outside of the larger family dynamic, we don't live very close, didn't see each other very often, so had no time to establish an independent relationship before DN was born and her behaviour started to be like this. She may very well not like me - I can't think that I have done anything but there is an age different between us, there's no reason for us to have gelled as BFFs or anything.

Mum, no, people don't get to cuddle baby DN. DB has had to remind SIL after DG's have been in the house about two hours that maybe they'd like a quick cuddle with baby?

Yorkstar, you're right, if we give any indication of hostility then it will make it very hard for DB to ask for support if he ever needs it. I'll try and convince my DM of this.

Op- I was in a similar situation with my bil and now ex sil.

They came to our house ONCE in 12 years.

They lived less than 30 mins drive away.
What they used to do was leave dcs gifts with my pil, whom we hardly ever saw either! We were then expectyed to drive to pils to pick up these gifts.
My dh once received a birthday card the following year because of this!

My dh told ex sil that if she or db couldn't be bothered to bring a card/gift personally to dcs around the actual day of their birthday, then not to bother as what exactly is the point?
The same happened at Christmas, I can't remember getting a Christmas card through the post. It would be dumped with pil, usually on Boxing Day then sometimes we wouldn't see pil then until the following month!

Whenever we tried to arrange to see them there was always an excuse.

Now they are divorced and I don't see dns at all.
My dd1 tied hard to make contact with her cousin but I have a feeling that all messages were intercepted by her mother.
Now my pil don't see their grandchildren either.

Ties have been severed with bil too as dh has told him exactly how he feels after all the years of being ignored.

Luna that's awful, your poor family not seeing the DNs at all

Another thing pil were never allowed to have dns to stay alone at theirs ever.

I remember my other sil saying dns could not go on climbing frames, slides or any play equipment in parks as "They might hurt themselves."

Whenever myself and other sil met up with our children, sil would never accepted our invitation and come. She blamed bil saying he wouldn't allow her.
When my dh questioned his brother about the lack of contact, he blamed her.
I have no idea what was going on but like I said, we don't see any of them now.
My children were hurt at first but after years of trying you cannot make someone visit you.
My only advice is to concentrate on your own family as it appears you db and wife don't care about yours.