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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go to his uncles funeral because we are on holiday

87 replies

theplumfairy · 31/05/2012 22:23

DHs uncle sadly passed away after a long debilitating illness. His funeral takes place two days into our holiday.
DHs uncle was a lovely man and DH was fond of him but not extremely close. We saw him maybe 4 times a year.
He Was DHs dads favorite brother.

DH has been asked to carry the coffin with his brothers. He wants to go to the funeral and postpone going on holiday. With travelling times our holiday will be cut short by 3 days but we only had 5 days booked at our first first destination anyway so it is going to eat into our two week break.

I have told him that I will do what he wants but I really don't want to cut short a much needed holiday. Whilst I want to be supportive I knew I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings.

His parents have told him not to cut short our holiday. My family and friends say we shouldn't.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ISpyPlumPie · 31/05/2012 22:33

I'm afraid I agree with pps - YABU. There will be other holidays, but your DH's Uncle will only have one funeral.

Original poster
theplumfairy · 31/05/2012 22:33

Ok ok I get it you can stop slating me now!!!

I will support him. Thanks for the feedback.

OP posts:
JubileeMcPhee · 31/05/2012 22:34
Biscuit
nutellaontoast · 31/05/2012 22:35

plumfairy - I'd hide the thread if I were you, people never read the whole thing, you'll be slated for a few more pages to come...

PoppadumPreach · 31/05/2012 22:37

YABU. It's not just about your DH paying his respects to his uncle, it's about being there for his dad.

I would have been gutted if people didn't turn up at my mums funeral because "it clashed with their holiday". I got comfort from every single person who was there. You need to think about his family's feelings, as well as your DHs.

GrahamTribe · 31/05/2012 22:40

I'm glad you've decided to support your DH and pay respects to his Uncle, *theplumfairy.

Floggingmolly · 31/05/2012 22:40

Yes, of course you are.

Monty27 · 31/05/2012 22:40

OP You deserve it.

IcantSleep · 31/05/2012 22:43

OP are you holidaying in the UK or abroad? Just wandering if there was an option where you could go on ahead, and your DH joins you after the funeral?

I do sympathise with you, but I think DH will regret it if he doesn't go, especially as the family have asked if he can help carry the coffin. I would imagine his Dad will really appreciate his support as well.

Or maybe, if possible, postpone the beginning of the holiday for ALL of you, and then treat yourselves to another long weekend at the end of the year?

EssentialFattyAcid · 31/05/2012 22:49

Your poor dh doesn't need a stroppy wife to cope with as well as the death of a loved one, surely?

Debeezandbirds · 31/05/2012 22:55
Biscuit
McHappyPants2012 · 31/05/2012 22:57

you can go on hoilday anytime, and for me a funeral would trump that

Salmotrutta · 31/05/2012 23:17

This will sound very odd I suspect - but whenever a funeral falls at an "inconvenient" time, I imagine it's my funeral.
Would I accept the holiday excuse from my DD or DS? Or my nephews and nieces? No, I wouldn't - I'd think it was a poor show considering I've been a part of their lives all along. Even if I saw less of them latterly. There's family history there. I'd be angry for sure!
If I was alive to berate them for not attending my funeral that is! Grin

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 31/05/2012 23:20

YABU - I would 100% go to the funeral. Should be up to DP as his uncle.

And if I was annoyed about it I wouldnt show it.

LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops · 31/05/2012 23:21

Where are you going on holiday? Could you stay near the funeral for a day or tow and make it part of your holiday?

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 31/05/2012 23:22

Your going! Good!

She's going all those that come after me!

HRH2shoesofMn · 31/05/2012 23:22

well done op x

minesapintofwine · 31/05/2012 23:23

YABU!!! Shock

TuftyFinch · 31/05/2012 23:25

Salmo I'd come Grin

Rindercella · 31/05/2012 23:26

I am really pleased you have taken the advice on here plumfairy. Supporting your DH and his going to his uncle's funeral is absolutely the right thing to do. As well as showing respect for the deceased, funerals are very much about demonstrating support and love for the bereaved.

A close family member decided not to go to my DH's funeral. As somebody said at the time, she was lucky she felt she had that choice. The rest of us felt there was no choice (there certainly wasn't for my DH). Her absence was noted and quite frankly I don't think anyone will look at her in quite the same way again.

Robinredboobs · 31/05/2012 23:29

Wow you are all congratulating her for agreeing to let him go. Hope I never need to consult an online forum to find my morals.

YA Still BU for having even written this post.

Salmotrutta · 31/05/2012 23:29

Aww - thanks Tufty. Grin

My DC are going to be left instructions about my funeral if DH happens to have carked it before me.

They must organise a humanist celebration and a big drinks party afterwards.

Funny stories about me are mandatory.

Salmotrutta · 31/05/2012 23:32

Oh - and Tufty - I hope you don't just want to dance on my grave Hmm Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2012 23:33

Good for you for listening OP. FWIW, I only thought YWBU because your DH wanted to go. Had he not, I wouldn't be so obsessed with going to a funeral. We all grieve and remember in different ways and I can't stand funerals. If it is important to your DH, it is a non-negotiable.

Salmotrutta · 31/05/2012 23:38

MrsTerry - no-one likes funerals but that's why I always think about what my funeral might be like if I never bothered attending anyone else's.

I'd hate to be plonked in the ground with only about 4 people standing around ... because everyone else was on hols or hated funerals. Or were getting their hair done or something.

I'd like to think I'd be missed ...