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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be stewing over MIL's comments (bit long, soz)

88 replies

LittleMilla · 30/05/2012 20:49

I have a classic MIL. Says utterly tactless comments the whole time and since having DS1 a year ago, relationship has gone down hill. I am now hyper sensitive to every comment and DH is more frequently sticking up for his mum which is making me wonder if I am going nuts.

I have found my first year with DS hard. Moments of wondering "do I have PN depression, or is this normal" plus trsuggled with the lack of sleep. I've always been a 8 hours + kind of girl and just haven't adjusted to having less.

Here was last weekend's GRRRRRRRRR moments:

After helpfully patting DS off to sleep (he was going through a fecking irritating phase which has since been stamped out!) she came back in to say she thinks he had done a poo. Great I am thinking "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CONTINUE TO PAT HIM OFF TO SLEEP THEN????". Anyway, we then had to wait until he zonked and attempt to remove the stinky nappy with MIL saying over and over "it smelt like a really acrid one, you know, the type to Reeeeeeally burn his bottom". Reinforcing all along that she didn't want to change his nappy. So I left her and DH to sort it out .

Next we were all having a chat with some wine etc and were talking about DS. I just came out and said that I have really struggled with him over the last year (I am on my own Mon-Thurs as DH works away) and turned to MIL fr some 'sisterly' support. Instead she said that she'd never felt cross with DH because he'd been so "wanted". And when I jokingly said that it was quite a while ago, ha ha, she insisted that at no point had she ever felt that DH was hard work. And I should wait until I have two more.

This was enought to turn me in to a mute.

Next morning she kindly got up with DS. And despite being told numerous time. 'DS has a bottle of cow's milk first thing' she didn't bother giving him milk "because she didn't know what to do" - PUT IT IN THE FECKING MICROWAVE. And then conceded that there wasn't much milk for everyone else....which is really why she hadn't given him milk. I simply shrugged and siad it's not hard. But inwardly I was screaming.

Every time she ignore DS's pretty relaxed routine I take it as a personal slur to me - it's as if she's doing it to undermine and piss me off. DH did reprimand her for milk-gate, but the rest gets swept under the carpet.

It's getting bad. She's got him for two nights in July and I'm already dreading it as I'll simply be told how brilliant he's been with her, fllowed by insuation that I am shitty mum (which I feel like 80% of the time anyway).

HEEEEEEEELPPPP. AIBU?

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 30/05/2012 20:51

Is there history?

hillyhilly · 30/05/2012 20:52

I think your lack of sleep added to her lack of tact is among you a little over sensitive - sorry
That could just be me as I never had a mum or mil who would change a nappy or get up the next morning.
The intervening years do a lot for rose tinted glasses

Salmotrutta · 30/05/2012 20:52

YABU .... soz.

Sounds like she is trying to help if you ask me

Why was her pointing out that there wasn't enough milk for your DS and everyone else a problem?

mynewpassion · 30/05/2012 20:53

Yep, you are just a bit sensitive right now.

TidyDancer · 30/05/2012 20:54

This is why I asked if there was history....sounds largely innocent based on the evidence so far!

Scrubber · 30/05/2012 20:59

I'm afraid to say it doesn't sound too bad to me. I think you might be being a bit over sensitive. Your DS won't die if he doesn't get his milk first thing or if his routine is upset slightly when he's with her. Yes, she was stupid to pat him off to sleep in a stinking nappy though.

Original poster

LittleMilla · 30/05/2012 21:00

If she had given DS milk it would've meant that we might not have had milk for cereal without a trip to shop. Surely grown ups can wait and you prioritise the baby??

First time in a year she has got up with him. I was appreciative, honest.

No real history, just a year of snide comments (in my mind) about the fact I don't dance through every day and dare to say that I don't find parenting easy.

Perhaps there's a tension because I have recently started working again and MIL was (and has stayed) a SAHM. Dunno.

Perhaps some people are cut out to mums and others aren't?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 30/05/2012 21:01

yabu and unfair going off what you have posted...

Herrena · 30/05/2012 21:02

I think I'd be a little annoyed if anyone persisted in getting my DS off to sleep even when they knew he needed changing.

I can also see how, if you were a bit sensitive on the subject, her comments about 'wanted' babies could be upsetting. Really though, DMs/DMILs re-invent history all the time and tell themselves what they want to believe!! You have no way of knowing if her version is accurate and TBH, it doesn't matter if it is or not. The important thing is your relationship with your baby, not hers with hers IYSWIM.

You do sound like you're having a rough time, which I can sympathise with. My DS (11mo) has been fairly boring in that he hasn't been a particularly difficult feeder, sleeper or tantrummer (sp?!) but I still sometimes really really want a day off. It can make you a bit sensitive when anyone else gets under your feet. MILs are very good at that I find :)

TidyDancer · 30/05/2012 21:03

It sounds to me that perhaps her comments are not that bad but they are touching a nerve with you?

I think you're reading too much into this.

GrahamTribe · 30/05/2012 21:03

"Why was her pointing out that there wasn't enough milk for your DS and everyone else a problem?"

Because surely if there's only enough milk for one person you give it to the baby and not save it for the adults?

Herrena · 30/05/2012 21:06

I don't think there's any such thing as being cut out to be a mum. We all grow into it and some of us find that process easy whilst others find it hard. We all find our own parenting style and by definition it tends to be one we're comfortable with, so I think it all works out.

Please don't pigeon-hole yourself by deciding you're not any good at it. This is just one stage, you might find that the later years of childhood are fantastic! Probably not teenagedom though (does anyone like that bit)?

trixie123 · 30/05/2012 21:08

I think you probably are being a bit unfair but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel the way you do. Its a very complex relationship and most people just feel their way through it. DS is nearly three and getting a bit troublesome as most toddlers do - except DP obviously who was never a bother, never had a tantrum or broke anything apparently! Bite tongue, smile, carry on....

Original poster

LittleMilla · 30/05/2012 21:08

Graham that's what I thought.

Thanks for comments all. Yes, I am perhaps a little touchy and find the tactless comments (she's been that way for 7 years) harder to ignore now. I love my DS to pieces and DO think I am a good mummy.

It's just making me avoid their family as much as poss cause I know the comments will wind me up.

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 30/05/2012 21:09

I'll swap you your MIL for mine if you like .... actually you wouldn't like.

And your MIL may only have noticed the dirty nappy just as your DS dropped off to be fair.

I think you are seeing offence where none is intended . You are probably tired!

I saw interference where it was intended by my MIL.

Ah, the stories I could tell ... behere all night we would.

usualsuspect · 30/05/2012 21:10

YABU you are looking for things to get annoyed about imo

GrahamTribe · 30/05/2012 21:11

It makes sense to me LittleMilla, especially when it's someone else's baby and you're a guest in the baby's home.

Salmotrutta · 30/05/2012 21:11

Graham - I meant it wasn't a problem to point it out though!

Maybe MIL thought it best to point it out rather than just go ahead and give it to the DS leaving none for anyone else! Maybe she felt that would cause a problem!

CardyMow · 30/05/2012 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NurseBernard · 30/05/2012 21:12

Massive, massive, massive hugs - I found the first year with each of mine so, so hard (and continue to do so, SAHM, they're 3 and 1), and like you am a 9-hour a night girl. I breastfed so did all the night times by myself and DD was a terrible sleeper. It killed me. I'd love a third child but won't solely because of how hard I find the first year and the lack of sleep.

However, I do think you're maybe being over-sensitive, rather than her bejng unreasonable per se. The comment about never finding her DH hard is ludicrous, I give you that with bells on. But I don't quite get the milk thing.

And and I think the only way to make this whole thing even worse on yourself (everyone else is unaffected so it's only yourself that this is being made worse on) is to focus and dwell and seethe and fixate on every little comment.

Likewise, I never had a DM (died) or a MIL (in another country) to help out, and while I'm not saying 'thinking yourself lucky' as I know these relationships bring their own sets of problems, I think the only one coming off worse out of all of this if you dwell is you.

I feel your pain, I seriously do. I sympathise immensely. But you can make this worse on yourself or you can make it slightly easier on yourself. The power is with you. :) Un-MN (((hugs)))

Herrena · 30/05/2012 21:12

As long as you have confidence in yourself then sod your MIL's (potentially) snidey remarks. Ignore, ignore, ignore (or come and entertain us here, MIL stories never grow old)

giveitago · 30/05/2012 21:13

Don't get why she's difficult right now.

Sounds like miscommunication. And it IS hard. I don't see how she's trying to undermine you. Perhaps your dh backing her all the way is not helping ?

She's getting up whilst you allowing you some sleep which is nice. She's screwing up on the cows milk but she probably doesn't know how much the grown ups need so it guessing?

My mil was hard - she did nothing to help me housework wise at all and I spent my time running around her whilst she just had my baby and would grab my baby and not give me to him for feeds. My milk dried up. Now that's tough.

It seems to me like you all need a routine with the lot of you ie what baby feeds, can she change him as he's going to sleep (that the mum's decision and you should tell her if you want your baby changed at the point of sleeping or not - she may not know and is looking for a steer from you).

Things will get better.

BTW - does your mil live with you?

CardyMow · 30/05/2012 21:13

S'ok, I've reported my own post - I wasn't going to actually post that, but my fat fingers slipped!

usualsuspect · 30/05/2012 21:14

I think she was right to point out you didn't have enough milk.

NurseBernard · 30/05/2012 21:15

X-posted - I get milkgate now, and agree, SWBU!

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