To still be stewing over MIL's comments (bit long, soz)

[LittleMilla]

I have a classic MIL. Says utterly tactless comments the whole time and since having DS1 a year ago, relationship has gone down hill. I am now hyper sensitive to every comment and DH is more frequently sticking up for his mum which is making me wonder if I am going nuts.

I have found my first year with DS hard. Moments of wondering "do I have PN depression, or is this normal" plus trsuggled with the lack of sleep. I've always been a 8 hours + kind of girl and just haven't adjusted to having less.

Here was last weekend's GRRRRRRRRR moments:

After helpfully patting DS off to sleep (he was going through a fecking irritating phase which has since been stamped out!) she came back in to say she thinks he had done a poo. Great I am thinking "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CONTINUE TO PAT HIM OFF TO SLEEP THEN????". Anyway, we then had to wait until he zonked and attempt to remove the stinky nappy with MIL saying over and over "it smelt like a really acrid one, you know, the type to Reeeeeeally burn his bottom". Reinforcing all along that she didn't want to change his nappy. So I left her and DH to sort it out .

Next we were all having a chat with some wine etc and were talking about DS. I just came out and said that I have really struggled with him over the last year (I am on my own Mon-Thurs as DH works away) and turned to MIL fr some 'sisterly' support. Instead she said that she'd never felt cross with DH because he'd been so "wanted". And when I jokingly said that it was quite a while ago, ha ha, she insisted that at no point had she ever felt that DH was hard work. And I should wait until I have two more.

This was enought to turn me in to a mute.

Next morning she kindly got up with DS. And despite being told numerous time. 'DS has a bottle of cow's milk first thing' she didn't bother giving him milk "because she didn't know what to do" - PUT IT IN THE FECKING MICROWAVE. And then conceded that there wasn't much milk for everyone else....which is really why she hadn't given him milk. I simply shrugged and siad it's not hard. But inwardly I was screaming.

Every time she ignore DS's pretty relaxed routine I take it as a personal slur to me - it's as if she's doing it to undermine and piss me off. DH did reprimand her for milk-gate, but the rest gets swept under the carpet.

It's getting bad. She's got him for two nights in July and I'm already dreading it as I'll simply be told how brilliant he's been with her, fllowed by insuation that I am shitty mum (which I feel like 80% of the time anyway).

HEEEEEEEELPPPP. AIBU?

I'm slightly concerned about putting the bottle in the microwave - I thought the advice was not to do that because of hot spots. I can see why she didn't want to do it.

I can see that you find her a bit annoying. MILs often are. But I really think that you can't have it both ways - if you're expecting her to help you, then you have to expect that sometimes she'll do things the way she wants. Either don't expect her to help you, or let her help you and keep quiet.

DH has had to remind his mother that, whilst she stayed at home with her boys (and indeed sent them off to playgroup and was still at home) I work full-time. And fully backed me up when we had to talk to her about how her way of dealing with DS was actually resulting in a really difficult to manage situation and that if she did it differently it would be much easier (about boundaries).

So I would stock up on a number of things that you can think to yourself or say out loud... 'well, its SO different if you're not having to work AS WELL AS being a mother' and other similar phrases. [I'm not, in anyway, suggesting that being at home with children is in anyway easier, but this might just help to stop MiL doing so much comparing]

I know how you feel, I had this to some extent with both sets of grandparents, but they were really helpful as well. It will get easier as your DS gets older, you don't need the routine as much as they are more flexible.

Look to the future, it is really lovely when they develop a god relationship with their GC for all concerned. I've found as my DS has got older he adapts to how each set of GP look after him, the biggest bugbears being the amount of sweets he is fed but they are getting better. But he still knows how we do it at home and it doesn't cause problems.

Just to respond to posters saying 'well you left her to do the nappy, entitled etc etc', you left the nappy to DH as well.

Oh and be prepared for potty training, your DH will have done it at 12 - 15 months, really easily and didn't need x,y and z.

It's really hard when the first grandchild comes along - it throws all the existing relationships up in the air and everything changes. I think a lot of grandparents struggle with the fact that they are not the parents - they deeply love this new little member of the family, but have no control over how he/she is brought up. Sometimes there is a bit of a power struggle, until you all adjust and renegotiate relationships

My ILs drove me bat shit crazy, when I had my first ds - I am very familiar with the 'jokey' comments that you can't call them on, because it is possible for the comments to be interpreted in two ways (even though you know it is a dig at you).

I think the best thing to do is get distance from them. Don't look to your mil for help and support - she doesn't have your back. And don't tell her too much - she is not your friend and confidante.

Decide what you want to do, then do it. If you feel she won't respect your decisions/routines, then don't leave the baby with her. she can't ignore your wishes if she isn't given the opportunity to impose hers.

As for joint holidays - no, just no!

I think microwaving milk is one of those things most parents do although "official" advice is not to do it. I used to microwave the milk in a jug though and then stir it, test the temp and pour it into the bottle. That way it avoids hot spots. Other people's microwaves can be intimidating for some people though. I wouldn't expect anyone to just use ours. The toddler (presume over a year if not on formula) can always have a drink of water if thirsty until the parents are up.

kayono is spot on. And as other posters have said, do it yourself if you don't want her to be involved,

mistlethrush I sent my boys to playgroup whilst at home being a sham. Should I feel guilty about this, should I start to whip myself and beg for forgiveness because some women Work.........FULL TIME.

Shit just typed a whole thing and it got wiped anyway to cut it short. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER. Things have changed since she was a new mum do you have any friends with children you can let off steam to tell them how hard you have found it? most people would feel the same and I can relate too. My philosophy is be as honest as you can maybe shes been a little insensitive when she said 'dh was not hard' but thats just what she thinks. Perhaps she cant remember also? Chidren grow up and come with new worries we just get used to it which is a bit sucky. If you feel really down you should definately speak to your GP or HV too. yanbu but maybe a little sensitive due to your heightened emotions and thats not a critiscism as that is me too. Lean on her for help and just dont react unless youre really really pissed off.

What can this woman do or say that's right though. I can see why thevDH is having to defend her. I sincerely hope my DSs are gay. I'm hiding all MIL threads from now on......so utterly trucking depressing.

The relationship with in-laws can be so tricky. I'm with you in the outrage that the grown-ups should have the milk not the baby. Surely you could all have eaten something else or had your tea/coffee a bit later.

But otherwise, I think YABabitU - I do the same with my MIL, who will continually say things like, "I'm surprised that you do it like that..." or to the 6 month old baby, "Tell your Mummy that you don't need to go to sleep now" etc. I take it to heart and she is mainly just crapping on trying to be nice. I hope you get lots of sleep during your nights away in July. Take care.

IKIP - you will have seen that I have already said that I fully acknowledge that looking after children (ie being a SAHP) is not the easy option. I have huge amounts of respect for SAHM partly because I feel that it would have driven me nuts looking after DS all the time and going back to work part time was a life saver for me - I felt that things were more balanced. However, it does mean that your household routine is different - and that can mean that things are a bit more critical (like, for instance, getting to bed by a certain time because you have to get up early in order to get them to nursery / school and get to work) and that things like housework can't be done during the day except at the weekend.

I'm sure that when your boys were at playgroup you spent the time usefully - even if it was only to have a bit of 'me' time (which is, after all, important and a good way of recharging ready for the rest of the day shift)

My suggestion was for the OP to use this difference between her and MiL to indicate that comparison is not appropriate or helpful.

Scared to type now as I just want to say thanks for replies and not reignite chat.

Basically, DH was on 'duty' so it wasn't like I was expecting her to do anything, she wanted to help DH and I do want her to feel involved.

Holiday is hard. It's for her 60th and I have already vetoed a couple of other trips. Their family is weird and I am midway through gental retreat.

Bottom line is that I want everyone to get on and be happy but just find the passive agression hard.

I have genuinely found comments on here helpful (even the ones where I've been told to chill the fuck out and not be so sensitive).

So thank you all.