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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be stewing over MIL's comments (bit long, soz)

88 replies

LittleMilla · 30/05/2012 20:49

I have a classic MIL. Says utterly tactless comments the whole time and since having DS1 a year ago, relationship has gone down hill. I am now hyper sensitive to every comment and DH is more frequently sticking up for his mum which is making me wonder if I am going nuts.

I have found my first year with DS hard. Moments of wondering "do I have PN depression, or is this normal" plus trsuggled with the lack of sleep. I've always been a 8 hours + kind of girl and just haven't adjusted to having less.

Here was last weekend's GRRRRRRRRR moments:

After helpfully patting DS off to sleep (he was going through a fecking irritating phase which has since been stamped out!) she came back in to say she thinks he had done a poo. Great I am thinking "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CONTINUE TO PAT HIM OFF TO SLEEP THEN????". Anyway, we then had to wait until he zonked and attempt to remove the stinky nappy with MIL saying over and over "it smelt like a really acrid one, you know, the type to Reeeeeeally burn his bottom". Reinforcing all along that she didn't want to change his nappy. So I left her and DH to sort it out Grin.

Next we were all having a chat with some wine etc and were talking about DS. I just came out and said that I have really struggled with him over the last year (I am on my own Mon-Thurs as DH works away) and turned to MIL fr some 'sisterly' support. Instead she said that she'd never felt cross with DH because he'd been so "wanted". And when I jokingly said that it was quite a while ago, ha ha, she insisted that at no point had she ever felt that DH was hard work. And I should wait until I have two more.

This was enought to turn me in to a mute.

Next morning she kindly got up with DS. And despite being told numerous time. 'DS has a bottle of cow's milk first thing' she didn't bother giving him milk "because she didn't know what to do" - PUT IT IN THE FECKING MICROWAVE. And then conceded that there wasn't much milk for everyone else....which is really why she hadn't given him milk. I simply shrugged and siad it's not hard. But inwardly I was screaming.

Every time she ignore DS's pretty relaxed routine I take it as a personal slur to me - it's as if she's doing it to undermine and piss me off. DH did reprimand her for milk-gate, but the rest gets swept under the carpet.

It's getting bad. She's got him for two nights in July and I'm already dreading it as I'll simply be told how brilliant he's been with her, fllowed by insuation that I am shitty mum (which I feel like 80% of the time anyway).

HEEEEEEEELPPPP. AIBU?

OP posts:
lagoonhaze · 30/05/2012 21:15

If you don't like how she cares for your baby then you care for your baby yourself.

Neither thing was massive or unsafe parenting if you want the break/help you have to accept things may not be do exactly how you do it.

Original poster
LittleMilla · 30/05/2012 21:15

Thing is Salmo that's the sort of thing she has done over the last year - I will say DS usually has a nap around XX or he'll need his lunch at XX. And then she'll ignore it and say that he was fine and why do I bother with that routine etc, because he prob doesn't need it. I am sensitive because there's been lots of occassions where it feels like she's purposefully ignored my request.

THere's a shop 5 mins away and one of us would've gladly nipped up there. Not wanting to get too much in to milk Grin there was more than 2 pints in the fridge, so it wasn't like there wouldn't have been eveough fr a cuppa!

OP posts:
HappyJustToBe · 30/05/2012 21:15

I think you have a point when it comes to talking to her about the first year being hard. We should be able to talk about it without feeling like our love for our DC is being challenged but that is a very sore point for me so I am may be being unreasonable too.

The nappy thing is frustrating, most definitely.

The milk thing is just a bit annoying and it was nice of her to get up and let you sleep.

ceeveebee · 30/05/2012 21:16

A 'classic' MIL? Hmm

She actually sounds like she was being helpful and you sound very entitled.

Gumby · 30/05/2012 21:16

Why did you have to wait until he was sound asleep to change a dirty nappy?

Original poster
LittleMilla · 30/05/2012 21:17

Fair enough Lagoon. He'd been up with me @ 5am the morning beofre and so it was actually DH's turn. But he didn't hear DS before his DM.

I hear what you're syaing though.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 30/05/2012 21:17

Mnetters just love to have a 'classic' MIL don't they

Salmotrutta · 30/05/2012 21:18

I'm curious Cardy - why did you have to report your own post?

You were only making a joke weren't you?

Is there a deletion craze going on just now? Confused

Original poster
LittleMilla · 30/05/2012 21:19

Gumby he'd been such a sod to get off (taking up to 1.5 hrs the night beofre, unlike him) we wanted to wait until he was properly off so that it'd more likely he'd zonk straight out again. DS's weird way, nothing more...

OP posts:
NurseBernard · 30/05/2012 21:20

You don't sound entitled at all. Hmm

If you're like me, you probably find the (gentle) routine is a coping mechanism, to get you through the day as much as anything. Totally agree that it would feel like she is undermining you.

But seriously - inhale, exhale, 'water off a duck's back, 'water off a duck's back', repeat, repeat, repeat... Grin

DaydreamDolly · 30/05/2012 21:20

OP I don't think YABU as I know the type... Typical passive aggressive behaviour to undermine you. It's difficult to explain to outsiders how her comments strike where it hurts without looking like you're being paranoid. But you know she's doing it to get at you. I have one like this. Seen her today. Apparently we need a bigger house and I shouldn't be breast feeding (DD2 9 weeks old Angry)
All comments made. 'innocently' enough but designed to piss me off.
YANBU

Salmotrutta · 30/05/2012 21:23

Ah, now my MIL could teach all yours a thing or two.

Weirdly, she's just been on the phone Hmm - criticising someone. As per usual.

zookeeper · 30/05/2012 21:23

YABVU. It sounds as though whatever she does or might do it would be wrong in your eyes.

Salmotrutta · 30/05/2012 21:25

But you know what?

She's my DH's mum and my DC's Gran - so we drew our respective lines in the sand years ago and learned to tolerate each other for the sake of DH and the DCs.

CardyMow · 30/05/2012 21:25

Nah, I was being cuntish about something the OP had written, and I'm not afraid to report myself for cuntishness. Grin.

I didn't mean to post it, it was one of those where you write it, realise you're being a cunt, and then delete it BEFORE you post. Only I pressed post.

Dprince · 30/05/2012 21:25

It think yabu and reading far too much into it. I suspect that your dh stands up for her because he knows yabu but doesn't want to say. Sorry, but based on what you have said I think having a difficult time plus no sleep (I can sympathize my neither of my 2 slept and I struggled as well) is making you a tad sensitive.

upahill · 30/05/2012 21:26

Yes you are being UR.

Salmotrutta · 30/05/2012 21:28

Ah - but I just read it as a wee joke Cardy - maybe I'm baaad.

And of course I wasn't the butt of it. Grin

Original poster
LittleMilla · 30/05/2012 21:28

Thanks nurse and Daydream - passive aggressive sums it up well.

When I was still feeding DS at 8 months the comments and looks started getting more barbed "it's greta that you've fed him this long. But, you know, don't you think he's getting a bit big now?". I stopped not long after, but it was really NOTHING to do with MIL. We were just ready.

Nurse Oh lordy I do try. We have a family holiday in Sept where we will have every meal (basically everything bar showers) together and I am dreading it. Sure it'll be OK.

I just need to find a way to be gracious for the kind things (she's a good person, I truly believe this) without being made to feel I am being slagged off the whole time.

OP posts:
BarredfromhavingStella · 30/05/2012 21:31

At no point did she find her child hard work-yeah all right love,whatever Hmm

Seriously though if you want her to stick to your routines then tell her so-firmly & get dh to reiterate your wishes to her-yes she doing you a favour looking after ds but that doesn't mean she can just disregard his routine.

Also I think grandparents tend to tell fibs as my mil insists that my 2 year old diva is an angel for her which makes me wonder if it is actually my child she has been caring for Confused

I also get the milk thing btw Wink

DaydreamDolly · 30/05/2012 21:32

She'll think it was her influence that made you stop bf'ing though.... My MIL took the credit for choosing my DNephews name, she said she'd mentioned said name a few weeks before he was born.... And lo and behold, they chose it. Laughable as SIL used the name as it was the name of her dead father. Weird people aren't they.

Dprince · 30/05/2012 21:33

When you say its the first time she has got up with him. Do you live with her?

NurseBernard · 30/05/2012 21:33

I don't think this thread is going to be a big help to you, because there will be loads of people posting who just don't 'get' the dynamic and they will probably make you feel even worse :(

As an aside - have you ever read The Little House by Philippa Gregory? Your thread just reminded me of it, only it's on a far worse, more insidious scale than your situation!

Original poster
LittleMilla · 30/05/2012 21:35

Thanks, Barred Smile.

I think in trying to appear relaxed and 'chilled' I don't push the routine too much? DH was annoyed with his DM about milk and said to me later that he'd said as much.

I don't wnat to cause any rifts though, I just want her to be supportive. And not make me feel shitty. I had tried to level with her by saying that DH was 31 and so it was quite a long time to foget the shit times. But she then insisted that because it'd take so long to conceive Hmm she was just grateful to have him every day.

He's a good guy so I can understand why she was so happy to have him. But surely she could've seen it was one of those 'sisterly' moments where you just support one another?

OP posts:
AmazingBouncingFerret · 30/05/2012 21:37

Cardy...

typing "you are a twat for using the word soz" = cuntishness.

typing what you typed was just a light hearted joke.