To still be stewing over MIL's comments (bit long, soz)

[LittleMilla]

I have a classic MIL. Says utterly tactless comments the whole time and since having DS1 a year ago, relationship has gone down hill. I am now hyper sensitive to every comment and DH is more frequently sticking up for his mum which is making me wonder if I am going nuts.

I have found my first year with DS hard. Moments of wondering "do I have PN depression, or is this normal" plus trsuggled with the lack of sleep. I've always been a 8 hours + kind of girl and just haven't adjusted to having less.

Here was last weekend's GRRRRRRRRR moments:

After helpfully patting DS off to sleep (he was going through a fecking irritating phase which has since been stamped out!) she came back in to say she thinks he had done a poo. Great I am thinking "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CONTINUE TO PAT HIM OFF TO SLEEP THEN????". Anyway, we then had to wait until he zonked and attempt to remove the stinky nappy with MIL saying over and over "it smelt like a really acrid one, you know, the type to Reeeeeeally burn his bottom". Reinforcing all along that she didn't want to change his nappy. So I left her and DH to sort it out .

Next we were all having a chat with some wine etc and were talking about DS. I just came out and said that I have really struggled with him over the last year (I am on my own Mon-Thurs as DH works away) and turned to MIL fr some 'sisterly' support. Instead she said that she'd never felt cross with DH because he'd been so "wanted". And when I jokingly said that it was quite a while ago, ha ha, she insisted that at no point had she ever felt that DH was hard work. And I should wait until I have two more.

This was enought to turn me in to a mute.

Next morning she kindly got up with DS. And despite being told numerous time. 'DS has a bottle of cow's milk first thing' she didn't bother giving him milk "because she didn't know what to do" - PUT IT IN THE FECKING MICROWAVE. And then conceded that there wasn't much milk for everyone else....which is really why she hadn't given him milk. I simply shrugged and siad it's not hard. But inwardly I was screaming.

Every time she ignore DS's pretty relaxed routine I take it as a personal slur to me - it's as if she's doing it to undermine and piss me off. DH did reprimand her for milk-gate, but the rest gets swept under the carpet.

It's getting bad. She's got him for two nights in July and I'm already dreading it as I'll simply be told how brilliant he's been with her, fllowed by insuation that I am shitty mum (which I feel like 80% of the time anyway).

HEEEEEEEELPPPP. AIBU?

DPrince, we have stayed there at least monthly (often more than once a month) and had two week long holidays with them.

THere an intense family that just love hanging out. That's perhaps another thread though...

Oh I "get" the dynamic NurseB - I get that the OP feels undermined and/or criticised.
But in all seriousness, it honestly sounds like the MIL is at worst annoying and at best trying to help.

My MIL on the other hand was/is the Queen of passive-aggressive:

"Has your Mummy put a vest on you today? It's very cold" - Err, no it's not.

"You tell your Mummy I think you should be allowed to have X/Y/Z" - Err, no you tell me

"I don't think your Mum and Dad treat you the same as your brother DGD" - Err you have no idea you crazy old coot silly woman.

That was the sort of stuff that made me fizz - until I sorted it.

Salmmo I think someone asked if there was history. I said not. But thinking about it, there is. I have had comments long the same lines. Not quite as pointed, but not far off.

Out of interest, how did you "sort it"?

But Salmo - thst stuff all sounds pretty petty to the casual observer as well...

When you're in it and on the receiving end of it, though, it's much worse. As you well know. You're basically saying the OP's situation is piffle compared with yours, and that argument just doesn't stand up.

Besides, it wasn't necessarily you who I was saying didn't 'get' it.

Doesn't matter how wanted a child is, at some point, a lot of the time they are going to feel like hard work & this is because they are

If I was you I'd just let her comments go in one ear & right back out the other-this will probably irritate her so is no bad thing.

She would irritate the tits off me quite frankly. The little adjustments to his routine etc. My ex MIL was the same and it's easy to really start getting hyped up about even insignificant stuff.

Pick your battles I say and the old sharp answer to her opinions might help her with her boundaries.

maybe you need to speak to dh and some space and it will help with perspective. Just for a little while. Not completely, but maybe stay less often. I do get it my mum is terrible. She thinks attachment parenting in lazy and babyled weaning is lazy, controlled crying should be carried out when baby is brought home, babies should be only fed every 4 hours only etc. She doesn't say it this way. I get constant 'you wouldn't be so tired if you had sleep trained him at 3 weeks like I did' and 'i couldn't work as it broke my heart to be away from you, but I guess you're ok with that.' and 'poor baby, mummys has dressed you warm enough.' etc. Pisses me right off. But I did react badly to the times she was trying to help (communicated badly) as I was so sick of it. I have learnt to to view her comments as just comments. She doesn't mean to be hurtful, she is just opinionated.

I'm not saying it's piffle compared to mine. Not at all. What I am saying is that yes, it might be annnoying but if it's minor you try to ignore.

There was far worse I could have told you actually about my MIL but most of it could very well out me if anyone I know or any relatives are on here. The stories are well known.
Very manipulative stuff and very bad interference in my DCs lives up to adulthood. To the point that me and DH had to step in when she was hounding my DD and DS about life choices etc.

LillMilla - I sorted it by challenging her politely and firmly on her more outrageous stuff. Most of it about our discipline and routines. Also her utter rudeness to me or my family. She also has very racist/homophobic views which I challenge al the time. Politely. Always politely.

OP I totally get where you are coming from as I feel exactly the same with my MIL! She's a nice person, she's very helpful and adores her GC but MY GOD she drives me insane!!!!!

I'm not a very confident parent, had zero exp of babies before I had DS. She's got lots of DC's, GC's and younger siblings. To get through it I used books, MN (of course ) and developed routines that suited us and our family to get through the sleepless nights etc. She gives me the impression that she thinks I'm a bit crazy as I don't just do things like they did in the 70's .

She makes comments all the time that I'm sure she thinks are helpful and are not made with any judgement, but her tone and the things she says make me feel like a really incapable mum at times . I've had the bf ones, but they were along the lines of me not having enough milk (when my DS's went through their grumpy probably-teething phase) despite my DS's both piling on the pounds with no problems.

DS1 is very very "spirited" and can be a nightmare, this can be corroborated by lots of people . But if we discuss his behaviour with MIL she always seems to turn it into it being a problem with what DH and I are doing, not just that he is actually a nightmare toddler. As Barred said, I'm sure it's not DS1 she looks after....

And rewriting history? Oh yeah! She has said many times (in different contexts) that she looked after DS for the evening when he was just a few weeks old. It drives me (irrationally, I know) mad and each time I calmly point out that he was nearly 5mo when we left him with her for three hours.

And (ooooh I'm on a roll now!) we were discussing potty training a few weeks ago. I said we'd start soon but there were other things to sort out first such as moving into a bed, possibly moving house. That I'd bought pants ready for when we officially start, but that in the mean time he was in pull-ups so he can use the potty if he chooses to (which he does at times). She said "ooh no, he needs to be in pants or he'll never learn what it feels like to be wet". So I had to explain again very slowly that we would use pant when we started potty training, like you are supposed to, but we hadn't started yet and I didn't want a house covered in wee .

It's great that they are involved, but you are definitely not alone in feeling like you do. I think that not being very confident has a big effect on the impact that the type of comments our MIL's make on us. We just have to learn to be more thick skinned!

I'm sending you and a .

Thanks all. A bit of MN therapy is always as helpful as a couple of G&Ts and even better when done together .

DSIL is 14 weeks pg and part of me is relieved that she will help divert the spotlight. But no doubt it'll just turn in to barbed comments about how DSIL has fared so much better than me. Hey-ho.

My skin is getting thicker and my ears free-er to things simply whizzing through. We're off on hols (without them) on Sat and have got a good few weeks before we need to see them again.

Sad thing is that I would prefer a positive, happy relationship. Instead of one where I am like a stone being. Oh well. Mabe DSIL might just be the tonic afterall...?

x

I don't think anything you've described sounds that bad, but I understand where you're coming from I really do.

You're feeling a bit crap already and feel that you've got this irritating woman in your ear the whole time undermining you. I know people who are like that, the looks, the comments, the unwanted advice. The bullshit bragging about their own kids.

But, I think as parents we all get them, whether it's the mil, our own mum or the nosy old lady in the supermarket. You have to learn confidence in your own parenting and a thick skin.

I don't think YABU but I do think you might be being a leeetle over sensitive. Totally understandable when you are bloody shattered and still adjusting to having a new baby. And I can fully empathise as my MIL is Mrs Passive Aggresive!

To DS1 when he was starting to pull up on furniture and therefore falling flat on his face often with predictable bruises: 'has that bitch of a mum been hitting you again?'
To DS2 when he'd smacked DH around the chops during a tantrum: 'anyone would think Anothertoy hits you. You must have learnt that somewhere!'

And many more. All said in joky singsong voice.

Constant DS clothing adjustments. Refolding a zillion pairs of socks I'd just taken in off the line (why?! WHY??!) Shoving the only-to-be-used-as-a-last-resort dummy in DS1's mouth the second we left him with her for half an hour and taking photos to show us she'd done it. Blah blah blah. The list is endless but to go back to me original point; I take to heart too much and think now that she simply can't get used to not being the only mother in the family anymore (DH the only one to have popped out kiddy winks)

Honestly, I think you are over reacting.

your MIL doesn't sound very empathetic.I know you are exhausted at the mo and it must be really hard being on your own for half the week, so a little support and encouragement would have done a long way.

Next time say 'yes my DH is very much wanted too but it doesn't make looking after him on my own all week easier'

Im sorry but i think you are over reacting, its sounds as though she is trying to help tbh, she got up for your baby, she told you to get more milk, she rocked him to sleep.
As for routine-all routine goes out the window when gps look after their gcs and it does them good to have a bit of a change.
Wish my mil could be half as helpful as yours, she has a truly acid tongue and prefers to babysit her other gcs and has never once had mine

Have you tried a 'Oh you were so lucky in your day, getting to stay at home all day with nothing to do but look after the kids - makes parenting a joy!'

She can't argue with it - if she does she's saying it wasnt as easy as she lets on. If she agrees she's saying you do have a tougher time of it! win win

Lots of helpful advice, thank you. I know I don't have it as bad as others, so should count my chickens, really.

lala you're completely right about everyone having an opinioin on your child. Not something I expected, but after a year, getting to used (slowly, as this post shows!)

Anothertoy I think it's often the 'jokey' tone that things are said that gets me. And knowing how accerbic she is about other people - so I know that I am probably spoken about in a similar way. Nice. DH is the eldest and we are first to have a baby. His sis is due in Dec though which I HOPE will make life a little easier for me. I can already predict that she won't suffer half as much as I have with lack of sleep (she is nearly ALWAYS really energetic!), thus reinforcing the view (in MIL's eye's) that I am a shite/lazy mummy.

Sky & holiday I shall try both!

Pumpkin that's really crap for you. I know I could have worse. It's a catalogue of things and reading back my OP it looks insignificant and I seem ungrateful.

You're accepting an awful lot of help from someone you don't trust to do it right, aren't you? She gets up with him in the morning, gets him off to sleep, you walk off in the middle of a nappy change and "leave her to it"...
You are being hugely unreasonable and unfair.

So she gets her grandson off to sleep fort you, you leave her to change your child's nappy which she does, she tells you about her own experiences (which despite different to yours is still valid), she got up with your child in the morning....

YABU

You seem like you're doing really well with your son, so take confidence and don't let MIL or anyone undermine you. It did seem like she was just trying to help, but with broken sleep I can see why you'd let it simmer and irk you.

Are you feeling bad about returning to work? Is that why her saying that your DH was 'wanted' and an easy child hurt so much? It could be that you're feeling sensitive about how she worded that.

I do think the comment implying you find your child hard because you didn't want him enough would sting, whether meant to or not. Implying you don't love your baby enough hits you right in the ridiculously over-developed guilt complex. Haven't we all had those moments in the middle of the night when the precious angel just wouldn't go to sleep and we start to wonder whether having a baby was such a good idea after all, swiftly followed by the awful gut-wrenching superstitious certainty that something awful was going to happen to the baby now and it would be your fault for having a negative thought about him/her? Maybe that's just me, but I bet it isn't. There's nobody less rational, and more attuned to dangers of all kinds including imaginary ones, than a new mother.

Op its so easy to forget how hard t was on no sleep or what it was like. I have a 5y old and a 2yo have had the luxury of consistent full nights sleep for about 6m and am already starting to forget how hard it was. Your mil has a serious case of rose tinted glasses!

When I was pg for the first time our parents told us that apparently both dh and I were walking, talking and potty trained by about 9m. Some forgetting and poetic licence going on I think!

Yes the wanted comment would have peed me off. My dc were both very much wanted, but at 2am and 5am I wanted them to sleep

If you find being with her that difficult then why are you going on holiday with her? I get on OK with mine but the one holiday we had together was awful. Never again. A holiday should be a holiday for everyone.
OK so your husband likes to go on hol with his extended family. You don't though and his priority should be to you.
I would refuse future joint holidays and maybe stand up for yourself a bit more re your MIL.
The nappy and milk incidents make her sound more stupid than anything else. Neither are a big deal though. Her comments sound tactless and designed to big herself up, but alot of people do that. It's her not you.
I think it's the spending alot of time with people with whom you have little in common and would normally not socialise with, and being expected to feel close in some way to these people that makes the inlaw relationship so difficult.

Given that her comments irritate you, it sounds like you are spending way too much time with her.

If you've got a propensity to get annoyed by her comments, then why on earth have a situation whereby she's getting up with DS/putting him to bed/looking after him for 2 weeks etc etc.

You're effectively allowing her into a situation where she has a lot of involvment, and, given she is the sort of person to voice comments which annoy you, then it does seem odd to me that you are continuing with it. I can actually see why your DH is defending her - on the face of it, she is actually helping you out, and you are allowing her to, yet you are then getting conistently annoyed. If you don't want this level of involvment from her, then do it all yourself surely?