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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get angry when friends try to cheer me up with platitutes?

102 replies

MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 13:57

I don't want to hear: It'll make you stronger, you'll get through this, think about happier times, use this as a springboard, look on the bright side etc.

It really puts me off sharing my problems. People always want to know what's wrong but when I tell them, all I get is platitudes. Either give me some practical advice or commiserate with me. You're not going cheer me up with a one liner cliché so you can pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on being a good friend.

OP posts:
Cockwomble · 30/05/2012 13:58

It could be worse, look on the bright side.

Original poster
MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 14:00

stab stab stab
Angry

OP posts:
booomchikkawowow · 30/05/2012 14:00

If i'm stressed out, my mum annoys me. She always says oh but don't worry etc. Sometimes you are allowed to have a moan/feel sorry for yourself. BUT if its the other way round, what on earth do you say? oh yeah you're life if shit?

HeathRobinson · 30/05/2012 14:01

Ah, that's interesting. A lot of people seem to like that sort of thing.
I will always give practical advice, which I'm told is 'thinking like a man'. Hmm

hackmum · 30/05/2012 14:02

I was just thinking about this, having been chatting to a friend who had a recent bereavement. We both agreed that having people to tell you to "be positive" was really irritating. Why do you have to be positive? Why can't you just accept the feeling of being sad for a while? And what tf is it to do with them anyway?

Proudnscary · 30/05/2012 14:02

Maybe they're bored of you whingeing?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/05/2012 14:02

But what do you want them to say?? They are trying to cheer you up and not send you looking for the nearest noose.

You can only comisserate for so long, then you have to tell them to stop wallowing!!

Cheer up Medusa things will get better!

HeathRobinson · 30/05/2012 14:03

Arf at Cockwomble!

My mother's sum total of help seems to be 'ah well'.

Original poster
MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 14:03

Today I got "it's been an eventful year"

No, it hasn't been an eventful year. It has been a horrible, painful, soul destroying, gut wrenching year. TYVM.

OP posts:
Cockwomble · 30/05/2012 14:03

proud Grin

Cockwomble · 30/05/2012 14:04

My dad's reply to EVERYTHING is "Oh right".

Doesn't matter what you say to him.

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 30/05/2012 14:04

Better friends trying to show they care, than no friends to care at all.

YouOldSlag · 30/05/2012 14:05

YABU- they're trying to help- it would be worse if they didn't bother or avoided you.

When I was going through the toughest time of my life, many people didn't know what to say so avoided me completely! I would have loved a friend to sit with me and say platitudes and give up their time. I wouldn't have minded if they had spouted clichés, better than silence and absence.

Original poster
MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 14:17

The thing is, people always want to know what's wrong. I'm not one to un-load without provocation. Partially because we all like a little gossip, partially because we can feel a bit better if we're not having such a terrible time and partially because we genuinely care.

Usually it's a little of all three, mostly it's more of the first two though.

OP posts:
FlyingSouth · 30/05/2012 14:20

I actually told DH off for doing this last night. He looked at me and said "what's a platitude?" Hmm

YANBU to feel angry and infuriated. I wouldn't go pulling them up on it though, at least they're listening.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2012 14:21

Tell them to fuck off OP and then confide in the people who do have time for you. There will be a few of them, I promise.

Bugger anyone who whines: 'but I was only trying to help'.

When you're feeling up to it reply to the 'whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger' claptrap with 'what, like polio?'

MotherHubbardsBigBottom · 30/05/2012 14:21

Medusa, my sister is going through an incredibly tough time at the moment, she has had some difficult choices to make in her personal life and I am trying to support her the best I can. I love her to pieces and would do anything I could to try and make things a bit easier for her. I do find it hard though listening to her tell me of her difficulties time after time after time after time after sodding time, every time we talk having to make sympathetic clucking sounds and shooshes and there there's. There does come a point where it is a friends right, nay obligation, to tell you to start pulling your boots up and get on with it. Do you think this is what your friends are doing? They might not want to say outright "ok give over, stop wallowing now and start moving on" as that would be unkind but the sorts of "platitudes" you list are in my experience, a friends way of gently telling you that you are in danger of falling into a self pity trap.

Of course without any idea of what it is you are sad about, how long it has been having an impact on you for or context of the conversations we have no way of really saying if YABU or not.

But then I guess that what you want from us is a simple "gosh how awful for you, how terrible!"

So:

Medusa you sound really down. Have a nice cup of tea and a tissue and lots of Wine. Sending you some un-mnetty virtual hugs for whatever the situation is.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/05/2012 14:23

Sorry you have had such a crap year :(

My crap year was 2010 when I lost my mum and sadly a couple of my good friends just decided to not bother with me at all.....I think thats far worse. Personally when mum died I wanted to hear from other people, to hear that I would be ok, it would get better....I think if they had just told me it would always be shit, things would never improve I would have just spiralled over the edge.

2 years (almost) down the line, things HAVE got better, I DO feel brighter etc etc so even though they are cliches, they are true a lot of the time.

KellyElly · 30/05/2012 14:24

My ex is really into The Secret and whenever you felt shit or down use to bang on about the power of positive thought and how your negative thoughts create any bad situation that may arise. I wanted to slap him many many times Wink

sanguinechompa · 30/05/2012 14:25

People are kind enough to want to help. OK so they don't do it perfectly. It's the intention behind the words that counts.

Original poster
MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 14:25

I'm not really angry with my friends of course. I'm angry at life and those in the line of fire are always those closest to you.

It's still irritating though and it's good to let it out here where I'm anonymous and not on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 14:28

*Kelly" I want to slap your ex too. I hate The Secret with the passion of 1000 hellfires. My mother tells me to pray and everything will work out. She told me she has been praying for me . . . I told her it wasn't working very well.

OP posts:
PoppadumPreach · 30/05/2012 14:33

My friend went to see her tutor at Uni. She tearfully told him how everything was getting on top of her and she couldn't cope.

her told her to go home and get her mum to cook her a lovely dinner and she would feel much better!

MorrisZapp · 30/05/2012 14:36

Unfair op. Platitudes and cliches come about because when we hear awful news, there's only a few things we can say.

I've seen people here take offence at 'Im sorry' because its wrong or not good enough. But when I hear bad news, my first reaction is to be sorry to hear it.

I had a shit time last year, and had wonderful support from some, and well intentioned shuffling from others.

They don't teach it in school do they - what is the right thing to say? I did get a bit tired of hearing 'honestly, it will get better', but it did get better. And now that's what I say to others in my situation (pnd).

I'm sorry its your turn op at the crappy end, horrible isn't it. But please don't alienate those who try to help. They're probably doing the best they can.

KellyElly · 30/05/2012 14:37

MissMedusa they would get on well Grin