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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get angry when friends try to cheer me up with platitutes?

102 replies

MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 13:57

I don't want to hear: It'll make you stronger, you'll get through this, think about happier times, use this as a springboard, look on the bright side etc.

It really puts me off sharing my problems. People always want to know what's wrong but when I tell them, all I get is platitudes. Either give me some practical advice or commiserate with me. You're not going cheer me up with a one liner cliché so you can pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on being a good friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 17:40

My issues are physical, rather than emotional. My mental health is the least of my worries for now. I'd get into more detail but my issues are pretty unique and identifiable, I know enough people who post on here and I wish to remain anonymous.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 30/05/2012 17:44

MissMedusa, do you have anyone in real life who's willing to listen properly and be a good support for you?

2rebecca · 30/05/2012 17:45

I think alot of people do just go into problem solving mode when people say they are miserable. It's natural. here on mumsnet people don't just say "there there have a hug" sounds more like netmums. They look at ways in which the complainer can try and improve her life and feel better. Things do improve with time for most people as well if it's something like a bereavement when you can't practically do anything.
If you don't want to hear that sort of stuff maybe just say a bland "fine" if people ask how you are. I'm very cautious about who i share my problems with and some folk just get "fine how are you".

Wanting to cheer up miserable people is human nature.
Sounds like you aren't that keen on your friends.

TheCraicDealer · 30/05/2012 17:55

If someone says "look on the bright side" when I'm upset it usually just makes me cry harder! I can see why people use platitudes- imagine someone's pouring their heart out to you and you can't think of what to say that could make them feel in any way better, but you know you must say something, anything to fill the silence. That's why I'm guilty of using them sometimes, but only when I'm trying to think of something more inspired, promise :)

noobydoo · 30/05/2012 17:57

Part of the problem is that most people don't know what to say - I have been on the receiving end of wanky platitudes myself ("it was for the best" being the worst).

I have also doled out a few in my time - usually because I feel uncomfortable that the person has chosen me as their person to confide in. I am sure my discomfort shows as well.

I guess the message is be careful who you confide in.

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 17:58

There are plenty of things you can say. You can say "I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time," or "Can I help in any way?" or even "I don't know what to say but I'm willing to listen if you want to talk about it."

TheCraicDealer · 30/05/2012 18:19

If it's a conversation of any length you can run out of phrases like that very quickly, no matter how many times you try to rearrange the words to make it sound different. Some people are happy just to have someone there who'll listen and give an occasional hug, others want feedback or encouragement.

And whatever you say about platitudes, at least they're positive and you can use them as a jumping off point. If you use one as part of a sentence (i.e., "Look to the future; you're doing well at uni, you've got a brilliant job lined up and you're finally learning to drive and doing really well at it") that's pretty-fucking-cheery. It's when you say it and then just look as if you've said something worthy of the Dalai Lama that pees me off.

Hopandaskip · 30/05/2012 18:22

I know which friends to go to who will say "I'm sorry" and which ones will tell me to suck it up. I choose according to which I need to hear. Sometimes I preface with "I just need to vent, can I?"

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 18:53

There's no need for phrases IMO. If you're just spouting off phrases then you're not actually having a conversation. If a person is talking about things there should be plenty for you to bounce off. The simplest way to listen well is to ask questions IMO - that shows you're interested and gives the person a chance to get things off their mind.

Platitudes aren't positive. They're meaningless.

TheCraicDealer · 30/05/2012 19:03

They're only meaningless if there's no context behind it, that's what I'm saying. You shouldn't write off someone's advice or support because they included one phrase within a sentence that you considered to be trite. I'm coming from the angle of someone that's tried really hard to be supportive to a good mate over a long period of time, where I'd spend several hours with them listening and then trying so hard to make them feel like they have something to feel positive about.

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 19:18

It's hard to talk about this in the abstract. But to give an example, a beautiful, funny, kind lovely friend of mine told me recently that she was lonely because she doesn't have a partner. I could have said "but you're kind and lovely etc" but how would that have helped? It doesn't matter that she's kind and lovely, that's not relevant, she's still lonely. In fact in that context if I had said "but you're kind and lovely" then that would have implied that she has no right to feel lonely, or that it's weird that a kind and lovely person should be lonely. I did tell her at the end of our conversation that I thought she was absolutely brilliant and that made her smile but I would say that anyway, it had nothing to do with her being lonely.

I wouldn't write off a good supportive friend if they did use a platitude by the way. The issue is more with people who use nothing but platitudes and don't actually listen at all.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2012 19:22

It's the second time this week I've agreed with you cailindana.

I'm not a stalker btw Grin

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 19:28

Grin limited.

BurningBridges · 30/05/2012 19:37

Worst one I've had today was "these things shall pass". Oh fuck off. And I'm still sniggering at Cockwomble's name 3 pages back .... (perhaps my friend should have just said "Cockwomble!")

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2012 19:37

craic we fundamentally disagree. The fact that I've learned to drive or speak French has no bearing on the other fact that I also have terminal cancer or my son has died in a road accident, for example.

Trite platitudes are meaningless at best and hurtful at worst. Why is that so hard to understand and why do you expect the injured person to take account of your feelings?

Just say: 'I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say' and take it from there. Or not.

Why is that so hard? You can't fix everything and no reasonable person would expect you to.

Noqontrol · 30/05/2012 19:39

Completely agree missmedusa. I prefer people to say it as it is, or just say sorry but they don't know what to say. I much prefer that to platitudes. Because you don't know how things are going to turn out or if they are really going to be ok. So YANBU.

blonderthanred · 30/05/2012 19:39

This post has really struck a chord. It's one of the things I found most difficult during the worst of my depression, still do.

I've said a hundred times, just allow me to be sad. Please.

All they did was add guilt to my feelings of failure and pain. I could not "try to look on the bright side" for anyone and I knew I was letting them down.

No-one ever knows exactly the right thing to say in difficult situations, but "cheer up" is definitely off the list.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2012 19:43

blonder yeah

claireinmodena · 30/05/2012 19:43

I agree op, and with everything cailindana has said.

I have had brear cancer and I wanted to scream everytime someone said:

Think positive! (I was very positive up until then, why did I still get it?)

At least it was caught early (without chrcking first, it wasnt actually)

At least its thd most curabld cancer these days (eerm it depends on a lit oc things, mine wasnt thd best diagnosis ag the time!)

I know you'll get through you're very strong (wish I could have gad the same confidence)

And all the battle/war similitudes: cant stand them!

People who helped were thd knes eho were happy to listen, and asked questions about the tests, thd diagnosis, the teeatment and side effects, without making assumptions

As cailin said it is all about listening, if you listen then you will know what to say.

Ps in the end it did all work out and I'm here disease free a few years later Smile, but it was no walk in the park.

claireinmodena · 30/05/2012 19:46

"breast cancer" and aplogies for spelling Blush

ComposHat · 30/05/2012 19:50

What the duck do you want them to do? Solve your problems? Ignore you? Call you a twat and tell you to shut the fuck up?

Sometimes making polite noises is pretty much all you can do.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/05/2012 19:52

I too also agree with cailin - if you actually listen to someone, and acknowledge what you're hearing it becomes an actual conversation that may be helpful.

It is all in How to talk so kids will listen Grin

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 19:52

All anyone wants is someone to take a genuine interest and listen. Polite noises are pointless and wearing when you're not feeling great.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2012 19:53

compos I refer you to the post below yours

Dozer · 30/05/2012 19:59

A good book on listening is "Time to Think " by Nancy Klein.