Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get angry when friends try to cheer me up with platitutes?

102 replies

MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 13:57

I don't want to hear: It'll make you stronger, you'll get through this, think about happier times, use this as a springboard, look on the bright side etc.

It really puts me off sharing my problems. People always want to know what's wrong but when I tell them, all I get is platitudes. Either give me some practical advice or commiserate with me. You're not going cheer me up with a one liner cliché so you can pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on being a good friend.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 30/05/2012 20:03

I also agree that many people are crap listeners. Having listened to a friend complain about her flatmate for a few days, trying to be constructive yet sympathetic, I decided to tell her about my problems with my bf.

"oh" she said.

And carried on telling me about her flatmate.

"oh dear" "poor you" and so on are not really what I want to hear, but also not "it could be worse".

Honestly, I think everyone needs and deserves a therapist. I go to one every week, I can tell her all my problems and not worry that she's bored or thinking I'm mad.

Because the other side of the coin is that other people's problems can get a bit dull (I mean the petty day-to-day stuff.)

ComposHat · 30/05/2012 20:09

I know, but these things aren't said with malice, they are because people don't know what to say in a similar situation.

I haven't been, divorced or suffered a major physical illness so whilst I can sympathise, it is altogether harder to empathise.

Having suffered from crippling bouts of depression, I had to bite my tongue when people said things like 'cheer up' or 'don't let it get you down' whilst it was totally useless i understood that they had the best of motives, but no frame of reference.

Sometimes it was comforting just to have someone who however clumsily was,prepared to acknowledge my problems and wasn't treating them like a shameful secret

EssentialFattyAcid · 30/05/2012 20:12

OP YANBU
If your friends offer platitudes they probably mean well but are clearly socially inept

I think schools should teach pupils how to react and what not to say! much more useful than bible stories imo

TheCraicDealer · 30/05/2012 20:13

Eh, where did I say I expected the injured party to take account of my feelings? I know there are some things words can't fix, that no amount of sympathetic noises will improve. I don't say anything to people in order to "fix" things, any more than someone who asks if they can do anything to help only does so to make themselves feel better. In the example I used I was talking about a friend who had a complete shit of a boyfriend, who felt she had literally nothing worth getting up for in the morning because he was treating her like she was stupid and worthless. Are you telling me that I was selfish to try and show her how that wasn't the case? I've never said that a conversation where platitudes are the only things that people have to add is good, Cailin and I agree there. That's not a conversation and it's not helpful. I'm just trying (and failing) to point out how they may end up being said, without any hint of lack of empathy or emotional intelligence.

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 20:19

Craic I'm not sure you're actually talking about platitudes as such I think you might be talking about being positive to a person who's struggling which isn't a bad thing. Platitudes are just meaningless statements and I don't think that's what you were saying to your friend was it?

TheCraicDealer · 30/05/2012 20:21

I started off with one and expanded on it.....is that still terrible? Smile

Mambonumber4 · 30/05/2012 20:21

Shall I tell you how I really feel, I feel like no one cares how I really am, only that I pretend to be ok, when they say, "how are you", what they really mean is "dont tell the truth".

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 20:25

Course not Craic. I suppose the thing to be aware of is that you're not bombarding the person with positivity and in the process making them feel worse by not listening to them.

Mambo, I think a lot of people feel like that a lot of the time. Is there something going on that you'd like to talk about?

yellowvan · 30/05/2012 20:28

This is why cbt is such a pile of crap(link to other mh thread). Its whole premise is to tell you you are wrong and if you dont lkie it,youre not engaging properly. Looking on the bright side and beinf relentlessly positive is exhausting and dishonest. 'thats really shit. What do you need me to do' is my prefered response

EssentialFattyAcid · 30/05/2012 20:30

Mambo "How are you" is generally used as a social niccelty similar to "hello" and doesn't literally mean someone either genuinely wants to know or cares in the least .

some people do care and want to know but only a subset of the folk who ask the question - do you feel as though there is nobody at all who genuinely cares?

Ohyoubadbadkitten · 30/05/2012 20:33

Missmedusa - if you do want to offload and its medical stuff we do have a pretty good support thread I cant guarantee it will be completely platitude free but it does have people who understand what it is like to go through stuff.

I'm sorry that you are having such a shit time.

Mambonumber4 · 30/05/2012 20:34

Essential, I mean in the context of people who know what my issues (serious) are, they say "how are you" in a concerned way, when they arent able to emotionally cope with the true answer.

Its not so much, I guess that they dont care, they just arent able to deal with the answers, so I know they dont want to hear them.

Does your mother really want to know, that while you are putting on a smile for the world, you are just a huge ball of pain inside and she cant help you, ditto to your sister, your best friend, your neighbour?? Its hurts them to not be able to help.

TheCraicDealer · 30/05/2012 20:42

Mambo, I'm guessing that when people ask you that you feel like going, "Where the fuck do I start?". I hope you have someone in irl you can tell it all to without feeling you have to censor yourself

Mambonumber4 · 30/05/2012 20:45

Not really, I tell DH mostly, but he is also suffering, and its not fair to lay it on his shoulders. I have one friend I talk to a lot and 2 lovely ladies I am in internet contact with, they are amazing, and I dont hold back with them, as they arent involved, and also they have walked the same path.

DeckSwabber · 30/05/2012 20:47

When I'm upset and need to confide in a friend it is like needing to have someone walk beside me for a while. A good listener will walk with me, acknowledging my feelings, and maybe guide me to more positive thoughts.

Platitudes like 'look on the bright side' when I'm down make me feel that I'm somehow lacking, that only a selfish or person would mind about something as trivial as whatever it is that is troubling me.

DeckSwabber · 30/05/2012 20:49

... I also think it is a huge priviledge when someone opens up to me.

StepOutOfSpring · 30/05/2012 20:51

YANBU. The very reason why things are difficult sometimes is because there isn't necessarily going to be an easy or quick solution. If things were clearly going to get better soon, it wouldn't be a hard time, would it?

Platitudes are so lazy and unhelpful. My pet hate is "everything happens for a reason"! No it doesn't - for some people the problem will eventually be solved, but for others it won't. That's why the problem is worrying and hard to deal with!

EssentialFattyAcid · 30/05/2012 20:52

Oh mambo, I'm sorry your mum can't listen to your worries and problems. You are right that lots of people can't deal with that kind of thing very well. That's why I think we should teach kids in school. Might make the world a happier place to be

StepOutOfSpring · 30/05/2012 20:52

Oh and I've had "as if I don't have enough problems of my own" Well yes, and I listened to those Angry

Mambonumber4 · 30/05/2012 20:54

essential tbf to my mum, she has been an amazing support, she is very "practical", she minds the kids, cleans, treats us, thats how she is.

But she has lost 2 stone herself, she is hurting herself, what has happened has impacted on all my extended family and anyone who loves us.

And there is nothing anyone can do to help at the moment anyway.

TheCraicDealer · 30/05/2012 20:59

When I got made redundant everyone, and I mean everyone I told said, "sure you'll find something else soon". Really, you know that? In a recession? Saying that, it was slightly better than the portly civil servant in the DHSS office who said if he was me he would "fuck away off to Australia". Hmm, constructive.

Mambo, it's brilliant that you've found people online you can talk to who know what you're going through. Have you thought about a support group locally?

Mambonumber4 · 30/05/2012 21:07

There arent any, I have looked, the closest is in London, which is hundreds of miles away, in fact, I think when this is all "over", I am going to look into how to set one up, thats my goal.

Mambonumber4 · 30/05/2012 21:08

Craic, hope you did find another job :)

TheCraicDealer · 30/05/2012 21:21

Well as goals go that's a pretty good one! Haha, I did Mambo, although it was much later than I would've preferred also unpaid for the first six months but we'll ignore that for now Grin

Mambonumber4 · 30/05/2012 21:31

Thank you and well done on the job, showing that sometimes, it pays to work for nothing!