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Original poster

To get angry when friends try to cheer me up with platitutes?

102 replies

MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 13:57

I don't want to hear: It'll make you stronger, you'll get through this, think about happier times, use this as a springboard, look on the bright side etc.

It really puts me off sharing my problems. People always want to know what's wrong but when I tell them, all I get is platitudes. Either give me some practical advice or commiserate with me. You're not going cheer me up with a one liner cliché so you can pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on being a good friend.

OP posts:
Ormiriathomimus · 30/05/2012 14:37

Friend of mine recently split up with partner. I listened and sympathised and hugged for days on end. I offered tissues, I said I was sorry. I said that I loved her to bits. At the end of it there were several things I wanted to say;

  1. He was a twat.
  2. The relationship was fairly grim anyway by the sounds of it.
  3. You were and still are far too good for him.
  4. His entire family are disfunctional as far as I can see and you're well out of it.
  5. Please please please stop crying now
  6. No I don't think he's with anyone else (DH is a close friend of ex).
  7. Please don't cry anymore.
  8. Arrgghhhhhhhh!

I said none of them because she didn't want to hear them. So I was recuded to saying wanky platitudes. But my heart was and is in the right place.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2012 14:51

Saying: 'I'm sorry' is fine as is: 'That's horrible', 'I don't know what to say' and 'do you want to talk about it?' or 'is there anything I can do?' but these last two only if you really mean it.

It's also okay to say: 'I'm sorry, but I can't manage to do that for you but I'll try to do something else.'

What's despicable is expecting someone to get over something because you think it's good for them or more likely, are fed up with them droning on about it.

Lots of these people have the stupendous cheek of actually asking how you are feeling before objecting to the answer: 'A bit shit, since you asked.'

I have someone like this in my life. It would be nice if she avoided the subject and talked about something else. Unfortunately she cannot resist it. She also has a nice line in spectacularly dodgy advice that she badgers people to accept and then acts hurt when you decline to take it.

MorrisZapp · 30/05/2012 14:52

Exactly Orm. We've all been there.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2012 15:09

It's also not wise to say: 'I always thought he was a wanker.'

This might be true but it does tend to make the person feel even worse for not seeing what everyone else saw.

'I'm shocked. What a fucking horrible thing to do to you' is more than acceptable though.

Original poster
MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 15:15

Orm if that had been me, I would have preferred the truth rather than the platitude. I get that not everyone is like that but if you think my husband is a twat I'd actually kind of like to know and while I might not agree with you (or I might even) you're probably justified in thinking that.

OP posts:
MadreInglese · 30/05/2012 15:20

I think an awful lot of people are uncomfortable unless they feel they've made you feel a bit better, platitudes are almost a reflex reaction to bad news

Not many people can just say "I'm so sorry, that is really shit" which is a shame because it's great sometimes to point out that silver lining but sometimes all you need is someone to listen and acknowledge that you've had a crap time

Original poster
MissMedusa · 30/05/2012 15:25

That, in a nutshell, is exactly it.

The platitudes are disingenuous. You don't know it's going to be ok, you don't know that being positive will help. An acknowledgement that it has been shit and an offer to buy me a cocktail will go a lot further than false assurances.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 30/05/2012 15:26

This is a huge bugbear of mine. The vast majority of people IMO are terrible listeners. They don't actually listen to people who are struggling, they don't talk to them, listen to what they have to say etc they just shower them with useless advice and platitudes. Platitudes are pointless - all they say is "I don't want to hear it." If someone tells me they're having a tough time I ask a question. I don't ever use platitudes, the most I will say is "Oh that sounds terrible," or "I can see why you're upset." So if someone says "I'm having a rough time," I'll say "What's going on?" listen to what they say and then ask something based on that. So if they say "I feel like a failure" I don't say that fucking rubbish "Oh you're not a failure, you're great, blah blah," which just means "I think what you're saying is wrong," I say "Why do you feel like a failure?" For some reason when something tough is going on, people seem to lose the ability to just have a conversation and start talking at the person who is struggling, exhorting them to cover up their sadness and basically telling them to stop feeling the way they feel.

If someone says they're having a hard time, talk to them about it, FFS! You don't have to solve it, that's not what they want, they just want to say what's on their mind.

Cockwomble · 30/05/2012 15:26

"sometimes all you need is someone to listen and acknowledge that you've had a crap time"

I always try to do this, I have bitten my tongue before to stop myself saying cliched words!

AllOverIt · 30/05/2012 15:28

YANBU. It pisses me off too Angry

MadreInglese · 30/05/2012 15:32
MotherHubbardsBigBottom · 30/05/2012 15:36

If you don't like their responses Medusa, and they are real friends, then if you say to them " I know you're trying to make me feel better but I still need a bit more time to be sad and heard and maybe a bit cossetted and clucked over and looked after before I'm ready to put my fighting face on" then they will give you a big hug and do just that. And if that?s what you want I hope you can say that to them- we are just strangers and saying it to them might get you somewhere!

Ormiriathomimus · 30/05/2012 15:36

"and an offer to buy me a cocktail will go a lot further than false assurances." Well I went one better - I turned up with wine.

hackmum · 30/05/2012 15:43

I feel really strongly about this. If something truly terrible has happened, for example, you've lost someone you loved, comments like "Stay positive" or "it'll make you stronger" or "remember the happier times" are worse than annoying. They suggest that the other person really hasn't thought about what it's like to be in your situation. The only appropriate things to say are on the lines of "I'm so sorry", preferably accompanied by a big hug.

MotherHubbardsBigBottom · 30/05/2012 15:50

Hackmum spot on. But we don't know what OP's worries are.

DH and I had a terrible time a while back and I really thought we would split up- I was awfully down and crying at the drop of a hat etc. One of my very good friends was unable to emapthise at all- her response was "men eh? They are so strange sometimes!" and to talk about how she's always found heavy housework particularly cathartic in stressful times Confused

But this is just because this is the sort of person she is- if her leg dropped off she would just brush it off and stick it back on again saying "Never mind, it's a bit wonky and I'll never be able to do my beloved tango again but at least it wasn't my arm!"

Find the right friend to talk to :)

MorrisZapp · 30/05/2012 16:06

Cailin, I think you're being unfair too. I've assured countless people that they absolutely are not shit, or ugly, or a failure, or whatever. This has always been accepted positively.

Telling somebody their problems are based on false assumptions is the bedrock of CBT therapy, which I had for pnd. My counsellor asked me all the reasons I hated myself, then used rational discourse to point out that my beliefs were unsoundly based.

I was quite happy to pay her to tell me I'm not shit!

CBT isn't for everyone, fair enough. But until the day I die, if one of my loved ones tells me they are shit, my first and involuntary reaction will be to insist that they are not. And then to ask about the issues.

Ormiriathomimus · 30/05/2012 16:17

I must admit I'd find it hard not to counter someone's negative assumptions about themselves too. DS1 is having a bit of a hard time atm. Struggling at school and he has also put on weight and is quite big now. He was in tears the other days telling me he was fat and useless. Should I really not have said 'no you aren't!' ?

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 16:22

Orm - sorry to hear your DS is having a hard time. Clearly he does believe that he is fat and useless so you saying that he's not is just dismissing how he feels. It's the same thing as someone saying "That dress is beautiful" and someone else replying "No it's not!" - it implies that the other person's thoughts are wrong. It's fine to say "Well I don't think you're fat and useless, why do you think that?"

Lottapianos · 30/05/2012 16:28

'The vast majority of people IMO are terrible listeners'

I agree Sad

YANBU OP, I feel the same. It makes you feel like the person is not really listening to you, just patting your hand and going 'there there' while the subtext is 'OMG is this over yet?' My whole family do this and it's made me Angry for years. I'm working hard to tell the difference between people who are genuinely good listeners and those who aren't, and I'm avoiding sharing difficult stuff with those who can't give me the support I need. It just leaves you feeling worse.

LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops · 30/05/2012 16:35

Well I read your title as "To get angry when friends try to cheer me up with prostitutes" , to which I had a completely different reply.

People never know what to say. Ultimately people are selfish cowards. Sorry you've had a shit time. Do some good stuff is the best I can think of saying. Plan something exciting.

Cabbageflowers · 30/05/2012 16:37

Are they real friends? It's the acquaintances I have who usually come out with this well-meaning guff. Close friends are more likely to have ready advice or sympathy.

MorrisZapp · 30/05/2012 16:40

Cailin I can see your point but surely that's just semantics?

'I don't think you're x, why do you think it?' is a very kind approach, but I can't picture my dad or my DP saying that kind of sentence. Or myself, if I'm totally honest.

Some people like straight talking, some people prefer the careful, therapised approach.

One size doesn't fit all. I was very grateful to be assured that I wasn't a bad mother by people who know me well. When MIL in particular said it I was really touched.

I can't remember being hacked off that they disagreed with my endless self condemnation.

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 16:48

I think it totally depends on the situation Morris. Sometimes all a person wants is reassurance and hearing "You're not shit!" is helpful. But I think even if you do say "You're not shit!" you have to follow that up and find out why the person is thinking that way.

PandaWatch · 30/05/2012 17:16

Blimey Missmedusa - I first read your thread title as "To get angry when friends try to cheer me up with prostitutes", which would clearly have been a whole different thread!

I sympathise with you. If there is no constructive advice to be given, I'd sometimes rather get a "you know what, that's really shit and you're entitled to be feeling crap". Just saying "look on the bright side" always feels a bit belittling of your problems.

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 17:37

Saying "look on the bright side" implies that the person is too thick to think of something that simple by themselves. When I was depressed my family used to tell me I needed to think more positively. As if I was choosing to be ill and I could just get better just like that, by just thinking positively.