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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be shocked about friends behaviour and not know if I want to be her friend anymore!

112 replies

woahthere · 29/05/2012 13:19

I've got a friend who is a quite odd at times. When I first knew her she was ok, a little kooky but it could at times be endearing. However, after about a year of knowing her she became quite hardgoing really. I moved away from the area but we kept in touch. Since then her behaviour has become increasingly erratic. She is one of those kind of people who always have to turn a conversation around so that it is about them, no matter what it is. She would ring me late at night and be talking to me for hours and I could tell she was getting drunker and drunker as she talked to me. Ive always tried to be a good friend to her and supportive, but after a long while it became completely tiresome. Then she split up from her husband and became very erratic (which yes I know is to be expected) she claims to have spd from 4 years ago and wears a belt to support it. I've often felt worried about her because at times she has had a comode downstairs as she says she cant get up the stairs. Shortly after splitting up from her husband she went really bad and could do nothing, she would ring me and tell me about all of this and she was basically calling all kinds of people in to help her with her daughter as she said she couldnt even change her nappy. However, everybody was getting very angry with her because they were saying she was making it up. At first i felt very angry on her behalf, but then i started to see their point as she was going out and getting drunk and there photos of her on facebook dancing and having a merry time. So then I thought that she must be really struggling emotionally, and that if she was prepared to lie so hard about it she must really be not quite right in herself. I went round to her house while she was away and spent a whole day cleaning it to help as it was disgusting and I was worried about her children being in that filth, but then since then shes done lots of things that sort of make her look like she just wants to go out and have a good time. The thing is, Im just plain tired of the drama of her now. Ive realised she is draining me and I get nothing in return, shes not interested in my problems or supporting me and some things she does just disgust me. It was her daughters birthday the other day and she didnt even get her a present. She said she hadnt had time, but the weekend before shed had time to go to London to meet a man for a cosy weekend. She also said that she had had a terrible virus where her daughter had been vomitting, and she been unable to swallow and very ill. I felt really sorry for her when she first told me, and then she said she'd been so ill that she couldnt even change the bed and her daughter had puked and wee'd on it and all she could do was turn the duvet round...but on further talking to her she said she had still been smoking...Im sorry, but if you can still smoke, you arent so ill that you cant put a nappy on your child are you? I find it all odd. She came to see me at the weekend, and the first night she coughed all night violently but still continued smoking the next day (and leaving her fag ends all over my garden). Then I woke to find my bathroom bin emptied all over the floor and she'd taken it to be sick in. Then she burst in on my boyfriend twice while he was naked having a shower and had a poo in front of him, then she had terrible diaorrhea and pooed herself running up the stairs. I was just completely shocked and didnt know what to say... I went out with boyfriend to give her some space and clean up but when I got back she was drinking coffee like nothing had happened, she then later went out to a party. Can someone give me some perspective, tell me what they think. Am I being a bitch, should I do more for her (she has a lot done for her anyway) or should i just say enough is enough. Sorry its a long post...and quite weird!

OP posts:
Hopandaskip · 29/05/2012 16:13

You missed rank house that woah had to clean

claw4 · 29/05/2012 16:13

Quintess, i dont know much about SPD, only what i just googled, according to google it can vary from mild discomfort, to severe pain and there is a range, pain can vary from mild, meduim, to extreme, short or prolonged pain. Im assuming like all other disabilities, there is a spectrum and it doesnt effect every single person in the same way? It also listed one of the symptoms as "Can be associated with bladder and/or bowel dysfunction"

As i said im no expert on SPD, just google. Just hate to see people be judgemental about conditions they dont understand, i have plenty of first hand experience of that.

claw4 · 29/05/2012 16:18

Hopandaskip, i thought i covered that with she has a disability which can make house chores hard.

OP said that her friend has asked for help, she is struggling, but none has been given. She doesnt need to be 'reported' to SS, as a friend it would be much kinder to support her in asking for help from SS. Well in my opinion anyhow.

manicbmc · 29/05/2012 16:21

Doesn't it look bad though, that she always has the energy to go out when she can but she is unable to do a bit of cleaning and look after her kids? Hmm

That sort of bowel thing is also associated with alcohol abuse.

claw4 · 29/05/2012 16:40

Manic, it might not be about energy, it might be about pain. I know that is how it was with my friend (she didnt have SPD) but same principal. She was on crutches, prior to the wheelchair, but she still went out drinking and dancing. Other days she couldnt move, let alone do housework.

I think what the op said was there was one ocassion when the woman couldnt look after her dd, because she ill with a virus she asked others to help her. If i was so ill with a virus, that i couldnt look after my kids, that is exactly what i would do, ask someone to help me, wouldnt you?

I thought the op also said, this woman only drinks and goes out when the kids are at their dads.

Either way, whether the woman is a neglectful alcholic or a person with a disability struggling with some aspects of life, surely as a friend it is better to help her approach SS and ask for help, as she has expressed she is struggling and needs it, than reporting her behind her back?

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 29/05/2012 19:30

Regardless of excess poo: friend needs help.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2012 19:47

My guess is a combination painkiller and alcohol problem. Because incontinence is frequently when people come off certain painkillers, she has chronic pain and if just sounds like it. It's on the interenets though so I'm probably wrong.

LynetteScavo · 29/05/2012 19:48

I'd put my money on her being addicted to something.

If not, she has MH issues.

Either way she (and her child) needs help.

How exactly you go about that is the question.

Snorbs · 29/05/2012 19:50

I think you might be on to something. An opiates habit with an irregular supply - eg, she gobbles the lot when she gets a repeat prescription filled out but then goes without for a while until the next repeat - would play merry hell with ones digestion. There is that memorable scene in Trainspotting, for instance.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2012 19:55

I have seen opiate withdrawal incontinence and it was awful. Sounds a lot like this.

cubbie · 29/05/2012 19:59

sorry I don't have to time to read the whole thread.

Just wanted to say that I STILL have SPD, DS2 is almost 4 and I started getiing it at 14 weeks. I can hardly get upstairs at times.

If I was on a night out, I might be able to get up dancing, but would be very very sore and would have mobility problems the next day.

When I have to, or if I'm in a hurry, I can walk very quickly. However, I will really pay for it later on.

It IS possible that she does still have it. I know her behaviour has been very very strange and YADNBU, but I just wanted to point out that SPD does not always clear up after the baby is born.

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 29/05/2012 20:04

Ditch her. Sorry. She sounds like a loser and report her to the Authorities if you have even the tiniest worry that she is neglecting her child. She sounds awful. Sorry but she does. You are getting nothing from this friendship.

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