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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be shocked about friends behaviour and not know if I want to be her friend anymore!

112 replies

woahthere · 29/05/2012 13:19

I've got a friend who is a quite odd at times. When I first knew her she was ok, a little kooky but it could at times be endearing. However, after about a year of knowing her she became quite hardgoing really. I moved away from the area but we kept in touch. Since then her behaviour has become increasingly erratic. She is one of those kind of people who always have to turn a conversation around so that it is about them, no matter what it is. She would ring me late at night and be talking to me for hours and I could tell she was getting drunker and drunker as she talked to me. Ive always tried to be a good friend to her and supportive, but after a long while it became completely tiresome. Then she split up from her husband and became very erratic (which yes I know is to be expected) she claims to have spd from 4 years ago and wears a belt to support it. I've often felt worried about her because at times she has had a comode downstairs as she says she cant get up the stairs. Shortly after splitting up from her husband she went really bad and could do nothing, she would ring me and tell me about all of this and she was basically calling all kinds of people in to help her with her daughter as she said she couldnt even change her nappy. However, everybody was getting very angry with her because they were saying she was making it up. At first i felt very angry on her behalf, but then i started to see their point as she was going out and getting drunk and there photos of her on facebook dancing and having a merry time. So then I thought that she must be really struggling emotionally, and that if she was prepared to lie so hard about it she must really be not quite right in herself. I went round to her house while she was away and spent a whole day cleaning it to help as it was disgusting and I was worried about her children being in that filth, but then since then shes done lots of things that sort of make her look like she just wants to go out and have a good time. The thing is, Im just plain tired of the drama of her now. Ive realised she is draining me and I get nothing in return, shes not interested in my problems or supporting me and some things she does just disgust me. It was her daughters birthday the other day and she didnt even get her a present. She said she hadnt had time, but the weekend before shed had time to go to London to meet a man for a cosy weekend. She also said that she had had a terrible virus where her daughter had been vomitting, and she been unable to swallow and very ill. I felt really sorry for her when she first told me, and then she said she'd been so ill that she couldnt even change the bed and her daughter had puked and wee'd on it and all she could do was turn the duvet round...but on further talking to her she said she had still been smoking...Im sorry, but if you can still smoke, you arent so ill that you cant put a nappy on your child are you? I find it all odd. She came to see me at the weekend, and the first night she coughed all night violently but still continued smoking the next day (and leaving her fag ends all over my garden). Then I woke to find my bathroom bin emptied all over the floor and she'd taken it to be sick in. Then she burst in on my boyfriend twice while he was naked having a shower and had a poo in front of him, then she had terrible diaorrhea and pooed herself running up the stairs. I was just completely shocked and didnt know what to say... I went out with boyfriend to give her some space and clean up but when I got back she was drinking coffee like nothing had happened, she then later went out to a party. Can someone give me some perspective, tell me what they think. Am I being a bitch, should I do more for her (she has a lot done for her anyway) or should i just say enough is enough. Sorry its a long post...and quite weird!

OP posts:
BumpingFuglies · 29/05/2012 14:11

Oh I see Linerunner. Surely if she needs help she should approach SS herself, rather than being "reported"?

woahthere · 29/05/2012 14:12

ha! my boyfriend doesn't usually expect people to burst in while he's in the shower. We don't usually lock it in case my little boy needs a wee! I love the little details people pick up on, that bit is funny.

OP posts:
claw4 · 29/05/2012 14:15

Woah, so we have a friend who gets pissed when her children are not around and is sober and good mum when they are?

On the one occasion she stayed with you, she just happened to be ill and have the shits so badly, she had to run into the bathroom while your boyfriend was in the shower?

Is this friend as bad as what you say in your op or not?

woahthere · 29/05/2012 14:15

She has asked for help because she says she struggles with the housework and with lifting her daughter but all she was given was a few hours for her daughter to go to nursery, which because she says she cant walk far she has to pay for a taxi to get her there...which she cant afford...

OP posts:
LineRunner · 29/05/2012 14:15

Sometimes people don't accept that they need help, though. The thing about waiting for people to reach rock bottom and a final chilling self-awareness is the damage done to children in the meantime.

LineRunner · 29/05/2012 14:17

Who did she ask for help, OP? I think she needs to ask again, perhaps with your insistence, if you are to remain friends.

idontbelieveanymore · 29/05/2012 14:17

YOu are supposed to be her friend not her carer. She sounds like a lunatic and I cannot fathom what you may get out of being friends with her.

Distance yourself. If you have fears for the children please report her and get on with your life. Perhaps she will then get the help she needs. What a strange woman Confused

woahthere · 29/05/2012 14:18

She's obviously not always that bad claw4, this weekend was pretty much the icing on the cake in terms of our friendship...but there have been times in the past when she has done other things that have been really hard to deal with.

OP posts:
claw4 · 29/05/2012 14:18

Your friend has a disability too? (sorry your op was a bit confusing)

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 29/05/2012 14:19

I'm confused. Did she clean up the poo? Before she had a coffee?

Was she ill when she pooed in with your boyfriend or did she just pop in sit chatting and curl one out?

I'm afraid this is beyond my comprehension.

ShatnersBassoon · 29/05/2012 14:22

You do sound to be getting a bit hung up on her and her family's bowel issues. You shouldn't let them be the decider in your friendship Confused. You don't think for a moment that she deliberately gave herself a stomach bug so she could see your boyfriend naked, chuck your bathroom bin around and soil your stairs do you?

If you can't be bothered with her any more call it squits quits.

woahthere · 29/05/2012 14:23

well, that claw4 is a bit of a grey area. Like I said in my op, she claims she has...but I have seen her out and about and dancing. She seems to have a disability when it suits her (flame me, but I can only say what I ahve seen with my own 2 eyes) and members of her family dont believe her either. Ive asked her if she is getting disability allowance as she currently has no money and is paying her mortgage with a loan, but she says the forms are too hard to fill in and she probably won't get it anyway. It is very hard to get straight answers out of her and there is an excuse for everything.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 29/05/2012 14:25

So she's physically capable of going partying and even running up stairs while simultaneously evacuating her bowels, but can't do housework, walk to the nursery or lift her daughter?

rainydaysarebad · 29/05/2012 14:27

I'm confused as to why your bf didn't lock the door after the first time she ran in and pooed whilst he was naked in the shower!! Poo fetish anyone?

woahthere · 29/05/2012 14:28

I'm not convinced that I am hung up on her family's bowel issues...I think that it is the main thing everybody else has picked up on...but probably because of its bizarreness. I haven't ever known anyone so desparate for the toilet that they had to do that at somebody elses house. Clearly her stomach was upset, I think you had to be there to see the nonchalence about it afterwards that was weird. I would have been mortified, but she wasn't she went out for a party later on!

OP posts:
woahthere · 29/05/2012 14:28

exactly snorbs...this is what I don't understand.

OP posts:
WhosPickleisThatOnion · 29/05/2012 14:30

Well I grant you she sounds pretty hard work poo or no poo. If you are concerned for the children can you speak to the family?

woahthere · 29/05/2012 14:30

rainydays...i dont think boyfriend expected it to happen twice...once was bad enough! he was behind a shower curtain so wouldnt have seen anything, just stood there awkwardley hoping the ground would swallow him up probably! good job he didnt lock the door or she might have shit on my carpet anyway!

OP posts:
scarletforya · 29/05/2012 14:32

I don't know how you can think the kids aren't suffering. Their Mother is a raging alcoholic and her behaviour and boundaries are bizarre. I don't believe she can compartmentalise that and behave perfectly normally in front of her children.

They will be affected. I don't understand how it will matter whether she knows you reported her or not?

It's irrelevant, it's the kids that matter. In fact it might be a wake-up call for her to realise a neutral party is so concerned that they had to report her. I wouldn't hesitiate. I wouldn't be making excuses and minimising her behaviour either.

So what if she falls out with you, that's a minor bit of discomfort compared to ignoring the plight of her children.

EightiesChick · 29/05/2012 14:32

I think you need to have a tough conversation with her and say you are worried about her and about her kids. If she brushes that off then I think SS.

Alternatively, do you know the dad of the kids? Could you speak to him and get a sense of whether the kids seem OK?

claw4 · 29/05/2012 14:55

Just read what SPD is, apparently it can be difficult to lift weight ie she could have difficulty lifting her dd or over household items, but might or might not be able to walk perfectly normally or even dance maybe. Maybe she has good days, bad days, like with most disabiities.

Just because you or i dont see it or understand it, doesnt mean it doesnt exist, would be my point.

Maybe this could also be responsible for her weak bowels? I dont know im not a medical expert.

However doesnt excuse some of her other behaviour.

Iggly · 29/05/2012 15:39

Sorry but you need to go to SS. Being a good mum some of the time does not excuse the filth she has left her daughter in.

The fact that you've posted in AIBU indicates that you dont quite see the seriousness of this - I mean why the fuck would you need to ask?!!!! Jeez if someone shat left right and centre in my home and used a nappy I'd not have to start a thread to ask if AIBU to be shocked Hmm

QuintessentialShadows · 29/05/2012 15:58

SPD does not really come and go. Either your pelvic is aligned or it isnt.
I suffered badly after ds2 was born. I could not walk, I could not lift. It has no bearing on the bowel functions as far as I know. If she can run up the stairs, and dance, she would be ok now.

claw4 · 29/05/2012 16:01

So we have a friend who has a disability which makes lifting her dd and house chores hard. But can drink and go out and dance, when her dd is staying with her dad. Thats not unusual, i have a friend in a wheelchair who finds lifting and some house chores hard, but she can drink and used to dance before her disability got to the point of needing a wheelchair. She wasnt trying it on, she was just trying to enjoy her life, best she could.

She then had a stomach bug or maybe because of the disability she has, when she came to your house and shit herself.

One night she had a virus and was too ill to care for her dd and had to ask others to help her.

She didnt buy her dd a birthday present.

OP doesnt think she is a good friend because she turns conversations around to herself.

Did i miss anything?

Why are we calling SS?

manicbmc · 29/05/2012 16:09

I know someone who has spd (it's a good long while since she had her last child) and she cannot walk very far at all without sticks. She has had a horrendous time with it and continues to. It does not come and go.

Your 'friend' is playing you for a fool and neglecting her kids.

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