To think that couples who can admit they find other people attractive usually have a pretty good relationship?

[MadameOvary]

Massive generalisation I know, but just my experience. My friend was telling me that his wife was "obsessed" with a work colleague of his and wants to give him a bath! He was laughing about it which I found quite odd at first but then remembered that a)they seem to have a very good marriage and b) not every man is like my jealous possessive arsehole ex, to whom you could not have admitted finding anyone else attractive.

I think they are swingers and he is giving you the come-on.

No I don't understand why you'd even talk about finding someone else attractive, there's no need to :/

I think there's some things you should keep to yourself. To be honest since I've been with my partner I haven't been attracted to another man, it's like I've got blinkers on. And even if I did I wouldn't be sharing that with him, why would I if it could possibly make him feel insecure.

It seems like these days a 'healthy relationship' is one where both parties can basically behave like they're single.

No they are not swingers Bonnie and he is not giving me the come on (laughing at the idea)
Whitewidow so you dont have a "list" then?

Depends - there is a difference between saying someone is attractive and totally perving on them. You can cross a line I think - bit different if it's a sleb, but if it's "Claire from work" then a level of restraint is just repsectful I think

I dont think its the admiting you find someone attractive that makes the relationship soild, I think its the reaction your partner has. The guy you mention had a great reaction because he showed he doesnt find it a threat and is happy that his wifes feelings are perfectly normal. He is confident in her love and attraction for him. Thats what makes a great relationship! I agree that pointing out fit people wherever you go isnt helpful. But also agree with the OP that if you can talk openly about that kind of thing then the relationship will be on more solid, honest ground.

DH and I are able to talk about others we find attractive, mainly as we trust each other not to actually act on it. It does make for some interesting conversations though, as DH is bi, and we appear to have the same taste in men.

Like you MadameOvary I had an insanely jealous, possessive ex. He was so OTT that one time I tried to stop his best friend ("like a brother" in his words) from self harming, ex went ballistic because I'd dared to touch this guys hand

I am thinking of slebs in most cases. The colleague is also a family friend and is not in any danger from the wife. Everyone seems to fancy him and i think the comments about his wife were more eye-rolling as in a"No-one is immune from B's charms" sort of way.

I think there is a difference between admitting that you find someone attractive and saying that you want to give someone a bath! The sexual overtones of the latter suggests that he has perhaps appeared in their shared sexual fantasies, either that or he is a smelly minger. I wouldn't want to share this information with a partner - it's all a bit teenage.

I think this is a case of being overly honest.

There's no need for it, you don't have to tell your partner every single thing you do think and feel, especially if it doesn't affect them.

Why would you tell them? What would you actually get out of that? Genuine question to whoever can answer :)

It doesn't bother me at all that my partner finds other women attractive, and it doesn't bother him that I find other men attractive. Having said that, in both cases it's people off the telly and I suppose they are inevitably less threatening than people you know. But no, I wouldn't say either of us is jealous.

I couldn't agree more OP.

Being able to talk about other people you find attractive is a sign of 2 people who are totally comfortable with each other and in their relationship and who can share these things open and honestly without risk of a huffy jealous childish reaction.

DP and I regularly discuss our Freebie Five lists and comment on people we notice when we're out and about.

I had a friend years ago whose boyfriend at the time used to change the channel on the TV if an attractive man came on and would then pick fights with her accusing her of fancying said attractive man. Whackjob

We clock each other having a look at others and make a joke out of it.

I think that whatever you can joke about, shows that you don't have any problems in that area, especially sex.

We can say things to each other without either getting jealous. I'm pretty good at picking out slebs who I know DP will find attractive likewise him me. We have a jokey freebie list. In real life my DP will acknowledge people who he thinks are attractive one being my best friend but it's not said in a sexual way that he says it. He knows her too well to have a crush

whitewidow I find that what I gain from sharing is higher levels of trust and honesty in the relationship.

I too think the colleague thing makes it odd.
Dh and I enjoy talking about celebs we like. We have also commented when we see beautiful women and good looking men, when we are out and about.
But a friend or a colleague, makes it far too close for comfort. I would not like that, AT ALL.

Empusa -that must be really nice for you. I just see this is a level of honesty I don't accept, it's unnecessary. It's not even being honest, it's over sharing IMO. I compare it to telling my partner I'd just had a particularly smelly poo or something :/ (sorry if my vulgarity offends anyone)

We have jokes about celebrities being 'fit' and have a laugh about it, but him coming home one day to tell me he found a colleague attractive to me would be very disrespectful.

of course you still find others attractive, surely you dont go blind the minute you get a ring on your finger

i often admire blokes on the telly, as OH does women. its normal, its natural and to pretend otherwise is frankly a bit odd

Different people obviously will feel differently. I guess the most important thing isn't that you feel able to share, but that both partners feel comfortable with the same level of sharing.

Tbh, DH and I "overshare" on a lot of things, I don't think any subject is taboo for us to talk about.

WhiteWidow Should also point out that in the case of my mental ex, he used to quiz me on famous people I fancied, and if I admitted to fancying any of them then he'd forbid me watching anything with them in. So I always used to have to lie. After an experience like that it is so refreshing to just be honest without worrying about the consequences.

Empusa sadly I still have to see my ex as he is DD's father, but your posts have just given me a lovely warm feeling that is sheer joy at being free of all the crap.

I'm so so glad I never had kids with the psycho! The condom split once and I had a huge panic attack - shame I didn't figure that the panic attack probably meant I shouldn't be with him at all

It's nice to be with someone normal isn't it?

Bloody bliss Empusa

DH and I have often discussed other people that we find attractive - both celebs and friends - and neither of us would ever feel insecure about it (and no, we're not swingers!).

Having said that, I do accept that there could be a problem if Cameron Diaz happened to walk into DH's life - but I'm not losing sleep over that

Admitting to Fancying slebs - fine.
Admitting to fancying Claire or Dave from Accounts - totally unacceptable in my world.

I'd disagree, OP. I don't talk about my pash for Donald Sutherland and my husband doesn't talk about his for whoever else either. I don't think you can correlate flappy lips with a good relationship.