To think that couples who can admit they find other people attractive usually have a pretty good relationship?

[MadameOvary]

Massive generalisation I know, but just my experience. My friend was telling me that his wife was "obsessed" with a work colleague of his and wants to give him a bath! He was laughing about it which I found quite odd at first but then remembered that a)they seem to have a very good marriage and b) not every man is like my jealous possessive arsehole ex, to whom you could not have admitted finding anyone else attractive.

& a bit by some of the responses on here

YADNBU - as someone said above, theres a big difference between finding someone attractive & out & out perving over them like a love struck teen or cosmo smallpeice the latter would no doubt be a deal breaker - window shopping is fine

I actually think its very healthy for both halves of a couple to feel so much at ease & confident enough in their mutual relationship to be able to openly & honestly share things like this with each other, in the same way they do a best friend - DH & I certainly do, I don't feel threatened by it & nor does he, nor or we swingers -

We've been happy together for 14 yrs, married for 10 & I actually find it flattering that he can still find others attractive, yet chooses to be with me - so does he, IMHO, thats what makes it a healthy HONEST relationship, we don't live in each others pockets & are grown up enough to know its just reality that during the course of our lives together we are going to be see & meet other people we would find attractive - doesn't mean we are jumping on their bones - just window shopping - I've had the other kind of relationship & trust me, its FAR healthier this way

How exactly do you go about telling them then? do you just say 'oh there's someone I fancy'
I'd be like, what? Why tell me this?

And I'm not talking about Celebs because that's just daft, especially as he knows I love Gerard Way and I know he has a thing for Megan Fox.. Which I find funny.

yanbu

But you're generalising based on your relationships, rockinhippy. I personally think there are some things that a partner doesn't need to know or see. These are not things that affect the relationship and I think people can quite happily maintain a little mystique and not lay themselves completely bare. I would find what you describe very cloying indeed but good luck to you if you're happy with it. Each to their own.

I think there's a difference between thinking someone is good-looking and 'fancying' them, though.

For instance, there is a young man (and I can never say that phrase without hearing Harry Enfield'd oooh, young man in my head) at karate who is very good-looking. He also smells divine. But I don't fancy him- he's too young, for a start! DH knows what I think of him and finds it mildly amusing but not threatening in any way. He also is aware of my deep and abiding crush on David Boreanaz.

In the same way, I caught him checking out a woman in a restaurant recently and found it highly entertaining (it's not something I've caught him doing before, so he either is more surruptitious about it or he doesn't tend to do it) and I'm afraid I teased him mercilessly about it.

It's not something that bothers us. Whether that's down to the security of our marriage or that we're just like that anyway I don't know. Certainly I'd say we have a good marriage though.

I used to often tease my ex about women I knew he'd find attractive-andcc he'd do the same if I was flirting with someone. It was funny and cute, and definitely something i'd look for again if I have another relationship.

Not like my PSYCHO EX who didn't speak to me for a whole day because I'd said a friend of his- in a 10 year old photo- and who had subsequently died of a brain tumour- was good looking [wanker emoticon]

But you're generalising based on your relationships, rockinhippy. I personally think there are some things that a partner doesn't need to know or see

Not really, though I do get it's not for everyone, but IMHO & IME that is more likely down insecurity on the part of one, or both or the DPs involved -

No offence intended but that statement speaks volumes I think people can quite happily maintain a little mystique and not lay themselves completely bare - I personally can't be bothered with all that bull & I'm more than happy to have a DH who is also a BF, so I get to completely relax & not have to worry about "keeping mystique or laying myself bare" jeez, the idea of spending the rest of our lives playing those sort of games really DOESN"T appeal - I'd rather be single

IMHO it's a more "grown up" sort of relationship, void of the immature baggage that means you have to think twice about what you say in front of your DP & its one that suits both of us fine

I'm with rockinhippy, I see no need to keep any "mystique".

You assume that game-playing is afoot, rockin, it isn't. Mystique doesn't mean lying - it's keeping some thoughts to yourself. It's just such a childish and immature conversation to have, I think. Who your partner fancies/admires? From what I've seen, one partner is often more 'open' than the other so however 'grown up' a relationship is perceived by one may not be the case at all. Not for me but if you like to judge relationships different from yours as 'not grown up', feel free. Whatever works for a couple is right.

Hmm, im thinking i could have worded my OP a bit better. I can see how it might look a bit swinger-friendly. But OTOH:
"AIBU to think that couples who have "lists" and know who is on each lists and are ok with that and have a laugh about it usually have a pretty good relationship?"
is a bit long-winded.

I agree, DP and I will often point out another person whom one of use finds aesthetically pleasing. We're not swingers but I know he fancies the pants off me and I fancy the pants off him.

I trust him 100% and him me. Nothing wrong with window shopping, not like we're running after someone with a big net :o

I agree with Shodan. You can find someone attractive without finding them so attractive that you would actually want to do anything with them. I look at men and think they are gorgeous, but then the thought of kissing them or touching them in a sexual way is completely unattractive because I only want to do that with dh.

Freddos... unrelated to this thread but YOU are responsible for my buying three packets of six of the little suckers...

Then I think Cadburys owe me a few for free.

DH and I do talk about celebs that we like, but I couldn't do that about people we actually know. I'm going to be honest but if I found out that DH liked 'Sarah from work' it would play on my mind and make me jealous.

Not sure if thats normal or abnormal in relationship terms tbh.

Whatever works for a couple is right - yes LWITW I totally agree with that.

You assume that game-playing is afoot, rockin, it isn't. Mystique doesn't mean lying - it's keeping some thoughts to yourself. It's just such a childish and immature conversation to have, I think. Who your partner fancies/admires? From what I've seen, one partner is often more 'open' than the other so however 'grown up' a relationship is perceived by one may not be the case at all. Not for me but if you like to judge relationships different from yours as 'not grown up', feel free

& I disagree with that AFAIC "Game Playing" is about not being 100% yourself within the relationship - but each to their own, I'm judging no-one, not my style - your first response to me actually came across as pretty "judgey" of me & my post anyway - though I can understand that "what you've seen" may well be different to myself, the OP, or anyone else agreeing she's NBU

Around here, its more about finding someone aesthetically pleasing, attractive looks, or personality & probably discussing it in the same way we would art - so hardly childish & immature

I must say I have never thought "ooo aren't you good looking - I'd love to give you a bath"!

Whilst I am fully aware my DH will find other women attractive (despite him telling me all he sees when he looks at other women are ugly old crones ) I wouldn't want to hear about it. Unless you are swingers and plan to act on the attraction I just don't see what good could come of it!

Indeed, Freddo... you can put me as a referee in your application if you like!

Rockin... you STARTED it. Now that was childish.

I understand exactly what you mean but as you say, I have my own experiences and knowledge in mind so my filter is a little different. I had a boyfriend who wanted to know every thought in my head every minute of the day... he didn't last and I was exhausted at feeling 'hunted'. My husband and I both like a little space - me more than he does, probably. Some things - even if agreed you will be open about them can hit a raw spot on the wrong day/wrong time.

I have a 'soft spot' for someone I work with; would I do something about it? Not in a million years. Would I tell my husband? No; it's unnecessary and couldn't be unsaid.

I don't really differentiate between a celebrity or someone closer to home - Perhaps that's why?

Don't know but still maintain that if you're close as a couple, you know instinctively what the right approach is.

In agreement one hundred percent with LyingWitch. I don't know why you have to flaunt the fact you found someone else attractive.

I think that's a bit weird but i guess its their relationship and maybe that kind of thing rocks their boat
I think saying a sleb is a bit phwoaaaar is fine but to say oh the next door neighbour is a bit of all right isnt and crossing the line imo

DH and I have joked about me finding one of his work colleagues attractive. We both would say it if we find anyone attractive, but tbh there is nothing we dont tell each other.

Rockin... you STARTED it. Now that was childish LOL I didn't !!

Don't know but still maintain that if you're close as a couple, you know instinctively what the right approach is

I really think that is the key - different horses for different courses as they say - that's what my face was for, we're all different & have different experiences that make us who we are, so there can be no right & wrong in this.

I've been through similar to you LWITW & like you a say it is totally exhausting & I think with hindsight it left me thinking that any guy I couldn't talk openly with as I would ANY friend & vice versa, wasn't for me, which is probably why I appreciate the fact that I CAN be that open with DH - mind you, thinking on it, we were good friends for years first, so it would be pretty weird to suddenly stop being myself with him & him me, because we were now a couple - I mean, what would be the point in that - I would have lost more than I gained

I don't know why you have to flaunt the fact you found someone else attractive - but who mentioned "flaunting it" whitewitch -

I agree THAT would be not on & would IMHO be pretty abusive - constantly making the other DP feel undervalued because you rub their nose in thinking someone else is attractive - there a big difference between "Flaunting it" & a passing comment that someone "is a bit of alright, attractive etc etc - around here its just conversation, we are both secure enough in ourselves in what we have together to not feel threatened by that & as I said above, having experienced the opposite, for me this is miles better

We both find other people attractive, we are married not dead.

I have many unclean thoughts about Jensen Ackles for instance which I like to share with him.

DH however has shit taste in women.

YANBU but I certainly wouldn't think that any couple who didn't do this didn't have a pretty good relationship.

Oh goodness when me and dh go found asda to break the monotony
We each pick out someone who we think either will fancy!

It's a bit boring now though as we each know each others types too well.

Been married for 24 years and together for 30. 4 kids.

He will also always call me if David Beckham is on tv.