To think that couples who can admit they find other people attractive usually have a pretty good relationship?

[MadameOvary]

Massive generalisation I know, but just my experience. My friend was telling me that his wife was "obsessed" with a work colleague of his and wants to give him a bath! He was laughing about it which I found quite odd at first but then remembered that a)they seem to have a very good marriage and b) not every man is like my jealous possessive arsehole ex, to whom you could not have admitted finding anyone else attractive.

What Greythorne said.

I don't know if it automatically means they have a good relationship, but I would flip it and say that people who can't be open about finding others attractive probably don't have a good relationship.

I know DH fancies me, and he knows I fancy him - therefore he doesn't mind at all that I go all funny when anybody in my Celeb Top 10 comes on TV - and the same goes for me (although he couldn't be bothered to keep a spreadsheet of his like I have)

But I have to say I dont get the wanting to give someone a bath thing - I've never thought that about anybody

I agree that it's OK, and possibly a sign of a healthy relationship, to be able to openly discuss the merits or otherwise of slebs. My DP and I have many happy discussions on the subject, and each have an allowed list although mine has more people on it in my head than he knows about

I'd be v pissed off if DP said he fancied a real-life person, though, and I wouldn't say it to him either.

I dont see why anyone would be pissed off. Surely your dh is gong to fancy others, as you are. It doesnt mean anything and we do the same as thebody.

Was your post addressed to me, molly? Sorry if not, but if so:

I'm sure he fancies 'real-life' people, and realises that I do too. Not talking about it though is a matter of respect for each other, IMO. Slebs are different as it's firmly in the realm of fantasy.

Not you in particular lady just thinking aloud.

I'm in a very happy marriage and we can't talk about anything

The other day I was telling DH how attractive my fitness instructor is and how if I ran off and married him I wouldn't have to change my signature!

We laughed.

It's called trust.

We can* talk about anything

Its disrespectful, and if my partner did it we'd have to talk because i would find it hurtful. He'd be exactly the same.

I don't fancy any other man, I might think oh he's a good looking lad, but I'd never imagine doing anything with him and certainly wouldn't be telling my partner if I did.

It'd open up a whole can of worms with us. I'm an insecure person and evn though I know he loves me and he would never ever cheat, I'd compare myself to that person

And that doesn't mean our relationship is worse than anyone who feel they have to share these things, just different. I

And again Ill say I don't mean celebs. He was laughing at me getting flustered over someone on Soccer Aid yesterday

Oh we do this. I get little work crushes and tell my dh. he finds it hilarious. I trust he's not going to run off with someone, so don't mind hearing about his little fancies either.

It works for some, not others.

Mu hubby likes Julia Roberts and I have a thing for Mark Harmon, although its his character Leroy Jethro Gibbs that fancy!!!!! I haven't fancied anyone in real life since we got together.

'Real' people are a little bit different. I have found other real men attractive, but to be honest once I know them it is all blah.

I do check other people out, a very attractive man or woman, beautiful people exist and they are nice to look at. DH does the same, admittedly probably less than I do unless they are carrying some exciting new gadget...

Would I comment that I thought a friend's husband was attractive? Yes. Would I want to shag them? Nope.

DH and I chat about all sorts of things.

I happily discuss people who I think look nice with my Dh, and he does with me.

Although he does usually despair at my exceedingly bad taste in men .

Its just something to fill the time - we both know that neither of us would act on it.

WhiteWidow It's abundantly obvious from your posts that you're a very insecure person.

And based on your last post alone I would say you definitely have an inferior relationship to those couples who are comfortable in their sexuality and more importantly their relationships to the extent that they can communicate openly and honestly without risk of consequence.

One of our first dates was a raucous weekend away in Edinburgh - we wiled away a freezing cold February afternoon in front of a pub fire going through our list of 5 celebrities you're allowed to sleep with and the other one can't mind. We were in hysterics for most of it.

I think 'disrespectful' is an odd word to describe such a conversation, at least examining my own relationship. 'Disrespectful' suggests somehow undermining your partner, or putting them on a lower footing, or comparing them or something - but my (and likewise, him) finding some random attractive is so entirely and utterly separate from what I have from my DH that it might as well be on a parallel plane!

Just because something might be disrespectful in your relationship WhiteWidow doesn't make it so in every relationship.

Both DH and I very secure in ourselves. If DH says he thinks someone is good looking, I will give him my opinion as to whether I agree with him. It doesn't actually occur to me to compare myself to the person in question as it is a passing observation.

For instance Sofia Vergara came up in conversation the other night. I think she is hot and would consider a team change if she was offering. DH though thought she was a bit meh and definitely prefers the other mum in Modern Family. This is obviously because he is a freak with bad taste in women and I told him so.

I have a friend who is a movie star. She is exquisite. DH would have to be blind to not realise that she is a stunner. He has commented on just how beautiful she is, as have I. It has never made me feel insecure. Because I also know he adores me.

Do you not discuss stuff like this in passing?

Bunny how dare you say my relationship is inferior. I know people who do this exact thing and I can say they're not very happy with each other on the whole. So how dare you make such a sweeping generalisation? I am VERY happy. I have insecurity issues as an aftershock of my anxiety and past depression thankyou very much. He does everything in his power to make me secure. I KNOW my relationship is secure I just dont FEEL secure as a woman because I have no confidence in myself.

Morloth I've already explained we talk about celebs and have a laugh. If it was a random person I think we both should keep our opinions to ourselves. I don't want to be told that he finds another woman attractive. Why would I.

I would agree that the only people I know that are bothered by this are either people insecure in themselves and/or their relationship

We've always chattered about other people we fancy, celbs, strangers we see in the street, friends and work mates.

It's never been an issue, we spent the first two years of our relationship at separate universities so we had to trust each other.

I'm defo insecure in myself but I really honestly am do secure in my relationship it's unreal. Never been so comfortable and happy. I had a really really shitty relationship before this one. This one is a breath of fresh air with the loving and the trust! But this is one thing I wouldn't do. I brought this discussion up in work and all the women and men had the same view as me, which is weird as I thought it would be more of a mixed bag as it is on here.

I'd just like to add though it's rather insulting that those who do do it automatically think someone is insecure about themselves or their relationship. I'm sure there's some people who are very secure about themselves AND their relationship who prefer not to share these things. People are different, and have different levels of what is acceptable. I said it was disrespectful, meaning it would be disrespectful to me, obviously not to others though.

Dh has known for a long time that I have a 'soft spot' for his closest friend & he (dh) told me recently that it is reciprocated.

When we were all together in the UK it was never an issue. We used to hold hands, huddle together talking & be on the outside of the group, but dh never worried about it. He knew that there was no threat there, we were more like brother & sister. Neither of us knew the other liked the other, so it was never awkward.

Dh used to sleep over at a female friends house with a bunch of other people on nights out. I never even thought to question it as I trust him 100%.