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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask if you smack your children?

644 replies

toofattorun · 23/05/2012 22:53

I am not talking beating! Just a smack on the hand or bum when they are being very rude or naughty.

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 24/05/2012 09:28

I smack her bum all the time. It's a comfort thing. I started doing it when she was in my tummy, three taps where her bum was with an "I'm going to smack your bum, smack your bum, smack your bum" with a tap on each word.

I would never smack for disciplinary reasons - it's a play thing with us and is a tap not a slap. We find a combination of brute force, tickling and sitting on her, all in a playful manner, do the trick.

As others have pointed out, using hitting as a form of discipline is illogical and counter-productive. There are gentler methods of discipline - one that many adults seem to forget is "setting a good example". Children love to copy what they see adults doing, so if we swear, shout, snatch, act selfishly, don't say thank you, ignore others' needs, etc. then children will do the same.

I also think that some people expect children to behave like little adults, rather than in an age-appropriate manner.

Hullygully · 24/05/2012 09:28

So my question is this.

There are lots of people on this thread who do not hit their children, or withdraw affection as punishment.

Their children are not psychopaths heading for Rampton.

So if it clearly unnecessary to hit small people, why do it?

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 24/05/2012 09:29

i call it a wee skelp because that's what it is. clearly there are people here who were punished SO much more severely who are joining this discussion, so to be clear that anyone who is saying 'i was smacked' is not saying 'i was beaten with a spoon'. because i wasn't, and nor were loads of others who've said their piece on here.

same re 'axes to grind', hully. people coming on and saying that they were beaten and therefore smacking is wrong rather obfuscate the issue. because the line moves to them, their opinions appear to carry more weight than the others of us who were smacked and bear no ill effects. but it's not the same thing at all, so in fact their testimony should really be ignored. but we can't, because that would be rude etc.

noddyholder · 24/05/2012 09:29

I think separation when 2 people clash is a good tool for life. It is not unusual for adults to walk away from a situation to cool down and that is often used in counselling etc as a tool to remove yourself from a situation and get persepective. So it is probably preferable to walk away from a child if what they are doing may lead to you hitting them. Still no one with any examples of situations where they would smack (finger in plug socket anyone)

IAmNotAmused · 24/05/2012 09:29

hullygully

good for you, all that kindness peace and love you have going on.

I have it in my home too. :)

MadameOvary · 24/05/2012 09:30

I have smacked DD before. I lost it. She did not deserve it. A child never deserves it, and to say that is absolving yourself of responsibility. I have no excuse or even reasons (same thing).

Hullygully · 24/05/2012 09:31

I was smacked once or twice. It affected me. I loathed my parents for doing it, I totally lost respect for them saying, I'm bigger than you and I have the power so I can hit you. And it wasn't by any means a beating, more a wee skelp.

Hullygully · 24/05/2012 09:31

running in the road, noddy, running in the road

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 24/05/2012 09:31

Totally agree Aitch. I have huge issues with the put them in their room and hold the door shut thing that TV Supernannys or whatever recommended. Horrendous and counter-productive.

I did smack 2 of my 3. Not proud of it at all, though it wasn't such a taboo thing, in the 80s. My parenting improved as I went along though and I learned how to avoid the situations where I might feel the need to smack.

seeingstars · 24/05/2012 09:32

Yes I do. MN makes suck a big deal about a little tap.

Dropdeadfred · 24/05/2012 09:32

My mum smacked me and I hated her each time and couldn't understand why if she lived me she could hurt me so nonchalantly

ShowOfHands · 24/05/2012 09:33

I have never and would never smack a child. In fact I wouldn't smack a living soul. My job is to teach dd about the world around her, to lead by example and to hand her some tools to do it on her own little by little. Raising a hand to her would achieve nothing.

Quite apart from it going against every instinct I have, it simply doesn't work. It might teach a child not to behave a certain way but they're only doing it in order to avoid a smack, not because it's the right choice.

And for the record, I don't use time-out, withdrawal of affection or any kind of psychological warfare either. In fact I've never even raised my voice in anger. Which reads as smug. It isn't. It's just true.

noddyholder · 24/05/2012 09:33

Yes I have been asking on here for years about situations where smacking is appropriate. Never had an answer that sounds like hitting would solve it! I think someone said running around in teh supermarket once Dale winton better watch his arse!

Hullygully · 24/05/2012 09:33

saggarmakers

there are other ways

it is not a choice between hitting or supernanny nonsense

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 24/05/2012 09:33

noddy, if you read the thread you'll see plenty of examples. Hmm

me personally, while i don't smack (but only because it hasn't really come up), i've definitely flicked away grabby hands. i LOATHE grabby hands.

wouldn't smack for a finger in a plug socket, because it's not that dangerous. would i smack for running out in the road? hmm. would depend on the circumstances. i'm a big user of warnings and counting down, so i can't really imagine that someone would run into the road after that... but if they did, i'd probably smack them, yes.

noddyholder · 24/05/2012 09:35

None that warrant being hit. Most children just don't do 'bad' things

Dropdeadfred · 24/05/2012 09:35

So to teach your child not to something that could potentially hurt them, you would hurt them??? Weird

Hullygully · 24/05/2012 09:35

So if it's ok to hit children, but not adults, what age do you have to stop hitting them?

18?

DarrowbyEightFive · 24/05/2012 09:36

I would never consciously, deliberately hit a child as a punishment. Firstly because it's crap parenting, and secondly because it's illegal in the country where I live. I have never heard a parent threatening to hit their child here and only ever once seen it happen (in nearly 14 years of having children). In that one case a father slapped his 2yo son who was throwing sand, and every other parent in the sandpit looked aghast. Nobody called the police or anything drastic, but there was clear public disapproval.

I've also never heard of a parent here having a child removed by SS for being smacked - only for more serious violence as in the UK. The social disapproval seems to be enough in most cases to deter people. It possibly goes on in private - hard to judge how much - but the fact that this constant violent undercurrent is absent makes for a much more pleasant atmosphere generally. People in the UK seem to have become immune to the violence and the threat of violence simply because 'smacking' is tolerated. Hitting your DC is lazy parenting.

The favoured method of discipline for a small child here is to kneel down to their level and say very firmly, but quietly, 'you do not do this, you do not throw sand/bite others/whatever, it is wrong' IMMEDIATELY after the misbehaviour. Depending on the age and behaviour you could then either leave the group straight away or leave if it happens again. If the child is old enough I would also get them to apologise to the other child.

We never used a 'naughty step' and I believe that too is a British concept. It's obviously unworkable for younger children, but we have used a form of time out when the DC were older. DD1 went through a phase when she was 8 or 9 of misbehaving/provoking at the dinner table, at which point we asked her to leave so we could eat in peace, and she had her food alone later. She was old enough to understand why she was being punished and that the punishment was a logical consequence of her behaviour. We have also used 'no TV' etc as sanctions for older DC. Now they're 13 and 10 often a raised eyebrow or the Death Stare or The Voice is enough to keep them in line.

Having said all that, yes of course I've totally lost it at times when the DC were younger. I've shouted at them, and on occasion I have grabbed a wrist to separate them fighting or pushed one of them away from the other when verbal warnings didn't work. I admit at that point I failed - physical intervention would ideally not be necessary. What I don't do is try to justify it as some sort of good parenting - it's actually just evidence that I am as fallible as most of us. I have also apologised to the DC afterwards for my actions and explained that violence is never an answer to the problem.

Hullygully · 24/05/2012 09:36

If we tell our kids that hitting is wrong,

then hitting is wrong

by everyone to anyone

end of

StrandedBear · 24/05/2012 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 24/05/2012 09:37

You would never say to a little child If your friend continues to not share his toys you must 'tap' him until he gives in.

ShowOfHands · 24/05/2012 09:38

BTW 'I was smacked' and 'I'm fine' are two standalone statements. Same as, 'I wasn't smacked' and 'I'm fine'. I can step into the road without looking and not get mown down. Doesn't make it the right choice. And you can't ever say it didn't have an effect, however miniscule as you just don't know. But parenting a child from birth to adulthood presents myriad challenges and most people end up as functioning members of society. Some will have been smacked, some not. Doesn't tell us bog all about smacking itself.

In fact, I'd go as far as to suggest that those people who say smacking's fine, I was smacked and I'm alright jack actually are affected by it. They think smacking's fine for a start.

noddyholder · 24/05/2012 09:38

Moving a childs hand away from a cooker or something isn't a smack though.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 24/05/2012 09:39

the interesting thing about the general resentment of people's conflating time out with psychological warfare is that it's presumably bringing out exactly the same feelings for those of us who were smacked and suffered no ill effect to see smacking conflated with physical beatings.

in both cases, you see, there are are huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge grey areas where no damage is being done to the child.

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