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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and could you help settle a quandry please????

106 replies

sponkle · 20/05/2012 21:31

Ok wise mumsnetters we need your help to resolve a quandry.

AIBU to think DH should put DS2 first?

DH childhhood friend (like brother) got married overseas earlier this year but as it was other side of the world is having a wedding celebration this weekend for friends and family who couldn't make it. DH didn't go to stag do as it was one of those expensive trips to a European city which we just couldn't afford.

DH and friend's relationship has cooled somewhat over the last 10 years or so...friend living single high life in London, DH living provincial family life. Friend was our best man, but has not had time to support (not even been in touch) DH through a significantly difficult time recently (teenage DS1 almost tore our family apart ADHD, ASD, heavy drugs usage, expelled from school etc)

DS2 turns 5 this week. He really wants to go to Legoland. He is not having a birthday party but is having a friend over for tea after school. DH wants to go to friends wedding celebration.

What do you think DH should do? Legoland or wedding celebration?

OP posts:
littleweed10 · 20/05/2012 23:00

On a positive note, going on the weekend AFTER your sons birthday lengthens the birthday celebrations - its the same as getting a late present, I remember being thrilled, not pissed off as a kid, as it made me feel special for longer. I am sure your DS will have a super time whether it's before or after his birthday.

ImaginateMum · 20/05/2012 23:04

I think most people are actually saying this:

Legoland or wedding celebration? Both

You have set up a totally false dichotomy, as they do not need to be on the same day, and that is where you are being unreasonable.

TheGalliantLadyDidymus · 20/05/2012 23:10

Just to repeat, I do not think you are BU op.

And I'll bet that most people here, in the same situation, would also be pretty pissed off if their Dp's/Dh's choose acquaintances before their own children regardless of what they are saying now.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/05/2012 23:17

Nope can honestly I'd just do Legoland on another day Smile

Had to rearrange DD's 2nd birthday for my mum's graduation. No biggie, we just went to the zoo and had birthday cake the day after. But then again I suppose 2 is different to 5. Or maybe not as I don't think my DD would realise now if we celebrated her 5th birthday later this year a day later...

Softlysoftly · 20/05/2012 23:18

Do Not go to Legoland the weekend after with him if he's likely to be overwhelmed, it's Jubilee long weekend will be flipping nightmare busy.

Also don't go without DH it's unfair on DS and DH. Though I agree that wedding trumps birthday.

The absolute best solution would be to give DS Legoland tickets as a gift on his birthday, tell him you will be going on x date, then it's a present, doesn't need to be on his birthday.

Also I don't know much about ASD but doesn't it help to be prepared, if he has his gift and his date then you can spend time getting him ready, look at park maps, plan the visit, breaks etc?

skybluepearl · 20/05/2012 23:39

Go to wedding celebration, then do lego land birthday bash on another date. Wedding trumps birthday easily. Have a birthday tea mid week.

trixymalixy · 20/05/2012 23:43

Honestly, DS's last two birthday parties have been weeks after his actual birthday for various reasons, none as important as a close friends wedding.

skybluepearl · 20/05/2012 23:48

Just read you more recent posts and I think you are controlling and inflexible. Just because DH and bloke aren't 'close' now, doesn't mean that the wedding isn't meaningful for DH. He only has one opportunity to attend - there will be no repeats. Your DH really wants to go and the grown up thing would be to support him in that and also arrange a family lego land birthday for another date. It's only lego land after all and yes your DS will be excited but like any other child, he can wait.

cestlavielife · 21/05/2012 00:01

Has ds been to legoland before ? What are his expectations? Be careful to prepare him for crowds of people queues etc. in fact I would take him out of school to go on a quieter day not a weekend. (have son with ASD. Be prepared for it not working out )

And yes your h should go to the wedding. Of course.

Also what did you expect from a friend living single life in terms of support ? They would be out of their depth given the probs you say you had. Probaby would not know what to say or do not their fault.

NarkedPuffin · 21/05/2012 00:08

Legoland will always be there.

Your DH couldn't go to the wedding and couldn't go to the stag do. Of course he should go to the party if he wants too.

NarkedPuffin · 21/05/2012 00:12

And it's not either or at all.

You're the one making it either Legoland or the wedding celebration. A 5 year old will be happy going to Legoland any weekend.

CelstialNavigation · 21/05/2012 00:27

It's good that you are not really planning on voicing those thoughts about this to your son.

The whole "mixed messages" thing and emotional pressure about decisions are incredibly confusing for children with ASD. Well obviously distressing for any child really but even worse for a child with ASD.

Certainly better to vent on here. Hopefully you all enjoy the trip to Legoland when it takes place.

I tended to space out birthday treats and presents as far as possible (ie not near the actual birthday) so that DS (with ASD) had a better chance to cope with and enjoy the actual birthday and the treat seperately.

LowRegNumber · 21/05/2012 00:29

When was the wedding thing planned? It sounds like the kind of thing that would have had a fair amount if warning in which case I think yabu I am afraid.

However, I don't think you sound controlling of your dh, I think you sound massively protective of your sons. I also think, given the time you gave been through with ds1, it is totally understandable. Reading between the lines, do you have a niggly worry that ds2 may go through the same? Do you, on some level, feel you need to work even harder this time around to make sure it doesn't get like that again? I may be projecting here but it seems like you are almost fearful of letting ds2 down in some way and you have pinned this trip as your focus?

Of course I may he talking rubbish, in which case ignore me Grin

sleeplessinsuburbia · 21/05/2012 00:51

I'm assuming the friend gave more than a couple of days notice - you yourself said that you couldn't go last weekend because your ds was sick so you must have known about the wedding. I work with asd kids, I can't see the issue. You should have checked the calendar before building your ds up (which you shouldn't have done anyway).
Are you jealous you can't go to the wedding too? I have many friends I'm no longer close to, I would always celebrate their wedding if invited.

Original poster
sponkle · 21/05/2012 09:23

I showed DH this thread and he thinks that TheGaliantLadyDidimus speaks the most sense.

Thank you for all your replies. I have told him that I think he should go as I now realise IWBU.

OP posts:
Whatnamethistime · 21/05/2012 09:28

No, I disagree, because I wouldnt see DH going to a wedding over a trip to a theme park as chosing his friends over the DCs, theme park every day, emotive, emotionally blackmailing language.

I wouldnt even think in those terms tbh.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/05/2012 09:37

When you do go to Legoland, don't forget to get the special stickers that will allow you to jump the queue so that your son doesnt have the stress of waiting and can enjoy the day as intended.

I'm surprised your dh agrees with TheGalliantLady. She has called his friend an acquaintance, I thought this person was a long term childhood friend. If your dh agrees that this person is only an acquaintance, I don't understand why he wants to go in the first place.

Whatmeworry · 21/05/2012 09:37

Legoland will be there this year and next, old friends' weddings are much rarer. Sound to me there is another agenda.

fatherchewylouis · 21/05/2012 10:19

Lady Galiant whatever is the only person on the thread that agrees with you, and your husband agrees with her? If that's the case, what's the problem??

Anyway, YABU but you now claim to know that.

diddl · 21/05/2012 10:28

I´d be pissed off, I think, but then get over it.

There is a compromise to be had-it doesn´t have to be one or the other.

He´s not choosing his friend over his son.

Whatmeworry · 21/05/2012 10:30

I showed DH this thread and he thinks that TheGaliantLadyDidimus speaks the most sense

Of course he does :)

MooBaaWoofCheep · 21/05/2012 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleeplessinsuburbia · 21/05/2012 12:22

What a surprising outcome; the op changed her opinion and so did her husband???? Hmmmm.

loopyluna · 21/05/2012 12:28

Why make an issue of it? Your DS surely won't mind which weekend he goes to Legoland on. You could give him the tickets on his b'day and show him on the calendar which date you'll be going on/ tell him how many sleeps til you go. Kids tend to be more understanding than we give them credit for.

Original poster
sponkle · 21/05/2012 21:01

Alright maybe the truth hurts a little and I was on the defensive. I have talked things through with DH at length and he has decided to go to the wedding celebrations and I have decided that I was projecting my own insecurities about DS2 birthday celebrations onto the situation, albeit unintentionally so we will go to legoland another time when DS2 has had a chance to get his head around what it entails.

Thank you all for making me look at this form a different angle.

OP posts: