Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU and could you help settle a quandry please????

106 replies

sponkle · 20/05/2012 21:31

Ok wise mumsnetters we need your help to resolve a quandry.

AIBU to think DH should put DS2 first?

DH childhhood friend (like brother) got married overseas earlier this year but as it was other side of the world is having a wedding celebration this weekend for friends and family who couldn't make it. DH didn't go to stag do as it was one of those expensive trips to a European city which we just couldn't afford.

DH and friend's relationship has cooled somewhat over the last 10 years or so...friend living single high life in London, DH living provincial family life. Friend was our best man, but has not had time to support (not even been in touch) DH through a significantly difficult time recently (teenage DS1 almost tore our family apart ADHD, ASD, heavy drugs usage, expelled from school etc)

DS2 turns 5 this week. He really wants to go to Legoland. He is not having a birthday party but is having a friend over for tea after school. DH wants to go to friends wedding celebration.

What do you think DH should do? Legoland or wedding celebration?

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/05/2012 22:05

It's ok for you to be defensive of your sons, but you have to be equally as defensive of your family.

Your dh is part of that and he has things he needs to do to keep him going.

What have you got planned for your ds's actual birthday on Wednesday?

Whatnamethistime · 20/05/2012 22:06

YABVVVVU.

If DS birthday is Wednesday the following Sat is just as apt.

You are trying to convince us you are right, frankly this "tell DS2 sorry Daddy isn't here today and you won't see him and we will go and have a special day ages after your birthday" is absolutely appalling!!!!!!!

Its not even his birthday, seriously - you need to get a real grip of yourself, you are coming across really badly.

Plus there will probably be other people there DH knows, you have been invited and you are being OTT about not going Sunday.

Reads to me like you are point scoring of DH using DS.

FantasticDay · 20/05/2012 22:06

YABU

bumpkinbillionaire · 20/05/2012 22:09

It is controlling when you use such emotive language

"AIBU to think DH should put DS2 first?"

"He has special needs and has never had a birthday party"

"DS2 sorry Daddy isn't here today and you won't see him and we will go and have a special day ages after your birthday (because he would rather go for dinner with a friend who hasn't been bothered with him at all despite him really needing him in a desperately difficult time of his life)"

Ages after your birthday? Really?

My mother pulled this shit on me my whole life and I was pushing 30 before I told her where to shove it. Its a crappy way to treat people.

shadowland · 20/05/2012 22:10

In our family, we belatedly realized (ie when DC became teenagers then adults and led lives away from the family) that Birthday Week was where it was at...no more Birthday where everything was concentrated on one particular day...and sometimes the official birthday would flop in that it was just a bad day...No more! We have an entire week to have birthday happenings. Well, to be totally honest...this has now extended to Birthday Months as now some DC have moved to different parts of the country. But it works well for us...wish we'd done it years ago!

Original poster

sponkle · 20/05/2012 22:12

ok so seems that I'm controlling as well as BVVVVVU.

thanks for your points of view.

I have never considered myself as controlling before at all but will reflect on what has been said.

OP posts:

MooBaaWoofCheep · 20/05/2012 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymissus · 20/05/2012 22:19

Why can't you go to Legoland the week after??

Asamumnonsense · 20/05/2012 22:22

It seems to me that you are meddling into your DH's relationship with his friend as if you didn't like him or as if you were resentful. May be your DH didn't need his friend in the difficult times the same way you would need a friend. May be now your DH feels it is time to rekindle the relationship since he hasn't been able to attend any of the friend's celebrations. You should allow him to do that and reorganise Legoland

4ducks · 20/05/2012 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sponkle · 20/05/2012 22:30

It is not a case of 'allowing' DH to go or not. It is his decision and I respect that.

I appear to have come accross very badly tonight which is interesting as I am genuinely surprised by this but have already said I will take that on board and reflect on it.

OP posts:

trixymalixy · 20/05/2012 22:32

It's his decision, but you'll put a massive guilt trip on him if he doesn't decide the way you want him to......

Original poster

sponkle · 20/05/2012 22:37

when did I say that I would put a massive guilt trip on him if i don't agree with is decision???

I thought that this was a place you could air your thoughts....just because I think something doesn't mean I would neccesarily say it out loud?

I'm just as entilted to my opinion as the next person.

OP posts:

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/05/2012 22:39

You don't respect his decision though- you have more or less said as much!

And yes YABU and should just do Legoland on another weekend. If your DS is as excited about the prospect of Legoland as my nephew was one more week of waiting wont matter to him.

You say the friend of your DH hasn't supported him through tough times but has it ever occurred to you the friend maybe didn't know how? It doesn't make it ok to back off from a friendship but maybe a little understandable. And it does sound like they simply drifted apart due to different lifestyles. Doesn't mean they're not still friends, just maybe not as close now. If you as a family have been having so many problems as you say your DH could probably do with the oppurtunity to let his hair down and have a good time. Just make sure you get a chance to do the same at some point soon, fair's fair after all.

trixymalixy · 20/05/2012 22:40

. Do you really think it's controlling of me to say to DH that it's his choice what he decides and that I'll go with his decision either way and to tell DS2 sorry Daddy isn't here today and you won't see him and we will go and have a special day ages after your birthday (because he would rather go for dinner with a friend who hasn't been bothered with him at all despite him really needing him in a desperately difficult time of his life) ???

This^^ is a massive fuck off guilt trip. Can you really not see that?!?!?!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/05/2012 22:41

But... but... It's AIBU so you are asking a question: Am I being unreasonable? Other people answer yes or no, because you asked and they are entitled to their opinions.

Yes air your thoughts by all means but if you do so in AIBU there's a chance people wont agree with you!

Flicktheswitch · 20/05/2012 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Binkybix · 20/05/2012 22:42

I agree that YABU.......friendships go up and down and can be difficult to understand from the outside, but missing someone's wedding is quite a big deal. These tend to be the sort of occasions that bring people together again, so it would be a shame for your husband to not go, particularly if he misses the friendship.

Have you actually told your son the planned day of the visit yet? If not, just rearrange?

Flicktheswitch · 20/05/2012 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sponkle · 20/05/2012 22:45

ok Trixymalixy. I wouldn't say those words out loud to DH and DS2. I was typing how I was feeling, questionning people's responses on here. I am feeling emotional about it. Typing out how I was feeling at that point of the thread is not putting my DH on a massive guilt trip because I have not and would not say those words to him, or my son.

OP posts:

Original poster

sponkle · 20/05/2012 22:47

Wouldn't dream of taking DS out of school to go on a trip. He has missed on average 2 to 3 days a week so far this year already due to his issues.

OP posts:

ImaginateMum · 20/05/2012 22:49

YABU

Our family live in many far-flung places and are always celebrating birthdays early, late, once, twice, whatever works out. In fact, my mum's birthday treat this year is being celebrated five months late!

Legoland is easy to shift, weddings are not.

Original poster

sponkle · 20/05/2012 22:51

AIBU? Yes

Legoland or wedding celebration? Wedding celebration

End of.

Thanks for your input.

OP posts:

Flicktheswitch · 20/05/2012 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymissus · 20/05/2012 22:54

I'm sorry OP but you just don't seem to want to be reasonable here. I've yet to see you say why it has to be on the same day! You could just as easily go to Legoland as a family another day.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5