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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and could you help settle a quandry please????

106 replies

sponkle · 20/05/2012 21:31

Ok wise mumsnetters we need your help to resolve a quandry.

AIBU to think DH should put DS2 first?

DH childhhood friend (like brother) got married overseas earlier this year but as it was other side of the world is having a wedding celebration this weekend for friends and family who couldn't make it. DH didn't go to stag do as it was one of those expensive trips to a European city which we just couldn't afford.

DH and friend's relationship has cooled somewhat over the last 10 years or so...friend living single high life in London, DH living provincial family life. Friend was our best man, but has not had time to support (not even been in touch) DH through a significantly difficult time recently (teenage DS1 almost tore our family apart ADHD, ASD, heavy drugs usage, expelled from school etc)

DS2 turns 5 this week. He really wants to go to Legoland. He is not having a birthday party but is having a friend over for tea after school. DH wants to go to friends wedding celebration.

What do you think DH should do? Legoland or wedding celebration?

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 20/05/2012 21:48

They don't sound much like 'friends' anymore, they sound much more like 'old aquintances'.
I would ask dh whether he would consider going to legoland for ds, if he is not happy with that then why not got to legoland the following week?
I would ask your dh what he truely wants and leave the decision up to him as he may want to regain connections with his ild friend

trixymalixy · 20/05/2012 21:50

Whatever he decides you'll go with, but will be disappointed if he decides against what you think he should do Hmm. YABVVU.

numbum · 20/05/2012 21:50

Do Legoland the weekend after? If it's that big a deal for DS he'll be happy to go whenever surely? The wedding party can't be changed

mamalovesmojitos · 20/05/2012 21:51

Sorry YABU. Is there more to it? Problems with your relationship? Because I really don't understand why you would want dh to miss this. Go to legoland the following weekend.

Paiviaso · 20/05/2012 21:51

Agree with everyone else that you need to reschedule Legoland, since the wedding can't be rescheduled. Think about it: "I'm sorry I can't come to your wedding, even though you were bestman at mine, I'm going to Legoland that day."

Can you really not go on Sunday? If not, then you need to find another Saturday I'd think.

I'm sure you don't mean to be, but you are sounding like you are being a bit controlling about DH friend(s), deciding one of his friends isn't worthy enough of moving a Legoland trip...

trixymalixy · 20/05/2012 21:52

It's not as if the legoland trip is on his actual birthday anyway, so surely any day would be equally as good, why does it have to be that particular day?

thatisall · 20/05/2012 21:54

YABU Legoland will be there the following week, even the following day no?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/05/2012 21:55

YABU, and you are coming across as if you wouldn't take your DHs feelings on board at all when the two of you are talking about this.

I know what it's like to have a child with ASD, it's tough. But it sounds as if all the reasons that dh couldn't go to his friends wedding party come back down to your ds2 having ASD, or another illness. That can be hard to see though when you are in the middle of it, but that's basically what it is. When you have realised that, then you have to decide how much you are going to let ASD rule your lives.

There are ways in which ASD has to rule your life, obviously. But sometimes there are ways that you can prevent it from harming your life. I think this is one of them.

It will be hard saying no to your ds, but there is no reason you couldn't go to Legoland the following week.

RightBuggerforit · 20/05/2012 21:55

YABU. Get tickets for legoland or print out a thing all it, give it to ds on his birthday to say (eg) next Saturday we are going to legoland!! He can get all excited, dh doesn't have to miss the wedding. win-win!

QueenEdith · 20/05/2012 21:56

What's the celebration and where is it? Can DH do one one day and (even if not much sleep) Legoland the other?

I think you should make every effort for DH to be there for his friend, and presumably the occasion is meaningful for him, and self evidently cannot be rearranged. And it must have been arranged some time ago, and it's not right to pull out at the 11th hour.

It's clearly not easy for you to explain a rearrangement to your DS, but is there any prospect of being able so to do with a whole weeks propagandising? Perhaps it could be double the fun, if you can come up with a treat for this weekend in addition to Legoland?

Original poster
sponkle · 20/05/2012 21:57

DS2 is turning 5 It's a big deal. He has special needs and has never had a birthday party, so we wanted to do something really great for him for his birthday. Do you really think it's controlling of me to say to DH that it's his choice what he decides and that I'll go with his decision either way and to tell DS2 sorry Daddy isn't here today and you won't see him and we will go and have a special day ages after your birthday (because he would rather go for dinner with a friend who hasn't been bothered with him at all despite him really needing him in a desperately difficult time of his life) ???

OP posts:
bumpkinbillionaire · 20/05/2012 21:57

Go to wedding and move legoland to another day.

Relationships do go up and down when you move through life, especially when you are at different stages with children etc. It doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship no longer has any value.

I have a childhood friend , like a sister, who I was very close to. She was my bridesmaid. I live in the middle of nowhere with DH and dcs. She is London high flyer, out all the time. I haven't seen her in ages but if she asked anything of me right now I would do it because I value our shared history and I love her. I def wouldn't miss her wedding so I didn't have to move a trip to legoland.

GnomeDePlume · 20/05/2012 21:58

YANBU - doesnt sound like a genuine 'must see him married' kind of thing. Just sounds like your DH fancies a free pass for a night on the beer to relive his batchelor days.

While I wouldnt necessarily tell DH what to do I might schedule a reorganisation of the pots and pans for early the following morning!

thatisall · 20/05/2012 21:58

is the wedding on your sons birthday?

avivabeaver · 20/05/2012 21:58

I think that your dh should go to his mates wedding. You say that you have had a tough old time recently. maybe a night doing something just for him is exactly what he needs.

your son will be just as happy to go next weekend

MooBaaWoofCheep · 20/05/2012 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 20/05/2012 22:00

FFS, this is yet another AIBU where the whole of mumsnet says YABU, but the OP still won't accept that they ABU.

You sound very controlling and clearly have a problem with your DH's friend. I suspect you would have come up with some other reason for your DH not to go if it hadn't been your DS's birthday. YABU.

bumpkinbillionaire · 20/05/2012 22:01

Loads of 5yos have never had a birthday party. Why can't you still do legoland but on a different day?

It doesn't matter if you think dh's friend is an arse. He is his friend.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/05/2012 22:02

Yes, it is controlling of you, because you are contradicting yourself and I see that as manipulative. You are saying that he can decide and you will go with it but in the same breath you are bringing all that emotive, unnecessary stuff about your ds and the friend into it.

Original poster
sponkle · 20/05/2012 22:02

I do want to hear your responses.

I'm surprised that you think that I'm controlling.

I suppose I am defensive with regards to my sons.

OP posts:
Offred · 20/05/2012 22:03

Won't next weekend be the weekend before half term? do both!

WorraLiberty · 20/05/2012 22:03

Good lord

Mountain, may I introduce you to Molehill?

Just do Lego Land the weekend after the wedding.

PeppermintCreams · 20/05/2012 22:03

Go to Legoland on the Sunday, and just be prepared for a cranky son the next day.

DPrince · 20/05/2012 22:03

Yes it is controlling your not saying 'its your decision' your saying 'its your decision but I and ds will be completely disappointed in you and sad if its not what I think is right'. You are trying to guilt him into doing what you consider is the right thing. I rarely she my beat friend from school. Live miles apart both work ft and have 2 kids. Sometimes life gets in the way, doesn't mean you want to miss special events. I think yabvu.

DontmindifIdo · 20/05/2012 22:04

YABU - you could quite easily go to Legoland the week after. It still will be DS's birthday party.

Your DH's friend will only have one wedding celebration. This person was a big part of DH's life even if he's not now. It's important to DH, you need to recognise that sometimes things will be important to your partner that aren't important to you, but that you should still try to accomodate them. You can do both. You can avoid making your DH choose - stop being a drama queen.