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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this is an odd way to react to being told the news about your first grandchild

118 replies

coocoocatchoo · 17/05/2012 20:00

DH and I have just found out that we're having our first baby and were keen to let our parents in on our fantastic news. When we told DH's mum and dad, I felt quite upset at their reaction, if you can call it that. The thing is, they didn't seem to react at all. If you'd have walked into the room just after we'd broken the news, you wouldn't have known at all that we'd announced anything. It was quite bizarre. DH and I continued on chatting, more to fill the awkward silence than anything. We didn't even get a 'congratulations' out of them...even my boss did that much!

They aren't very emotional people, but for this announcement I did expect something along the lines of 'we're really happy for you' at least! AIBU to expect a bit of a fuss from our nearest and dearest (esp the future grandparents about their first grandchild?) Has anyone else had the same sort of reaction from their families/in laws??

OP posts:

saladsandwich · 18/05/2012 07:07

congratulations!

my mum was delighted but there was no crongratulations or anything, my dad wasn't bothered but my dad is like that anyway hes a great grandad to my ds and loves him to bits my mum would have made a great grandma to ds too.

FIL said "i thought she was getting a bit fat" ex told MIL and she said to me "you're having a baby aren't you" then never mentioned it again lol

FamiliesShareGerms · 18/05/2012 07:18

I think there's a generational thing. My parents can remember the days when husbands had to tell the attending midwife if things get tricky in labour whether to try to save the wife or baby, for example. My mum refused point blank to let me have a cot or buggy in the house until I was well over 30 weeks gone.

When we told them, my mum didn't gush congratulations, but did have a little cry (in private). My dad was very enthusiastic. Hardest was telling my older sister, who had had several miscarriages and was undergoing various invasive exploratory procedures. Even she managed to say congratulations before hanging up to sob.

I still don't know why - other than selfishness - my MiL just said "but I'm not ready to be a grandmother". We had been married for nearly a year, so not exactly out of the blue.

Agree with others, though, that initial reactions and how they behave during pregnancy really have nothing to do with how they are when the GC are actually here.

Congrats by the way!

scummymummy · 18/05/2012 07:29

my dad said "you fool of a girl! your life is over!" how right he was! I was v upset at the time but in hindsight think he genuinely thought of me as a child/teenager still (I was 26!) and got a massive shock when I announced something marking a definitive big shift to adulthood which also catapulted him into 'older' adulthood.

he is the best granddad ever.

my in laws were delighted at the news and are also wonderful grandparents.

j3ssycat · 18/05/2012 07:31

First thing MIL said was "but you're not married. When they name the baby on the 8th day they can't proclaim you as the parents if you are not married". My response was "yes we know. Who are 'they'? The 8th day will not be spent doing anything in particular nor with anyone I have not met before".
She has actually been an amazing grandma, so it's all water under the bridge now!

j3ssycat · 18/05/2012 07:47

Spuddy more congratulations from me as well. Hip Hip Horray!!!!!

j3ssycat · 18/05/2012 07:48

Lets - bloody autocorrect bberry!

Aftereightsaremine · 18/05/2012 07:55

Mil to dsil (dh sister) when told she was expecting "are you going to keep it then?"! Dsil had been married for 7 years! So it was no surprise to me when she said "let's hope you keep this one" on being told i was pregnant with dd2 after a difficult first pregnancy & miscarriages after! When dd2 was born she actually said "but we wanted a boy". Er no I actually didn't care whether it was a boy or girl. Some people!
Congratulations to all expecting!

PickleSarnie · 18/05/2012 07:55

My MIL's first reaction on telling her about our second was "Are you mad". It's our 2nd, not 22nd FFS.

Then when we saw her in person she came over with this really weird concerned look on her face (it even freaked DH out) and went "How did your Dad take the news?". Well, considering I'm not 16 and I haven't just got knocked up by the local druggie layabout and I am in fact 36 and happily married to your son, he was quite pleased. Excited in fact. Like most other people have been.

vix1980 · 18/05/2012 07:56

Congratulations op, when we told dp's parents in december he was really excited at telling them as its all they ever talked about.

mil was trying to get me to go there for xmas dinner, i kept saying no as its my mums birthday also and id like to spend it with her, as soon as we told her she said "oh i dont care what you do, im getting a baby" er no your not actually!

fil sat there staring at a western movie and when prompted by dp saying i thought you would of been doing cartwheels by now his actual response was (which i still havent taken in) "yeah i already thought it was on the cards, i remember a few months ago vix took me aside and told me she was coming off the pill" this conversation has only ever taken place in his mind or dreams, i guarantee it so me and dp sat there in shock at the way there where.

mil has since gone into overdrive buying things for "her" baby, i just laugh at them now cos i always thought they were a bit odd, this just prooved it, dont let anyone rain on your good news anyway op!

storminabuttercup · 18/05/2012 08:13

Congratulations!

I wasn't there when DP told his mum, he wanted to break it to her gently she cried, then whenever people asked her about it she always said 'I just never expected to be a grandma' for the first few months of DS's life she had a big thing about me pushing her out, (all stemming from the fact that I wouldn't let her be in the delivery suite) when I was in labour my mum phoned her about midnight and said 'storm is in a bad way, baby will be fine but they are prepping her for surgery, but don't worry everything will be ok' her reply? 'ok look after my son' my mum didn't tell me about this at the time but she was fuming!

I don't have much to do with her now, I think she expected different from a partner for her PFAOB. she is very needy and has tried to turn DP against me. He's oblivious to it and it doesn't work so I just accept it and ignore. She has managed to turn her own family against me and I've been shouted at in the street, ignored, bitched about to people. You'd think I was the most horrible person to hear them talk. I've had really nasty Facebook messages telling me I'll get what's coming to me? . All because I didn't want her in the delivery room! Madness!

They say there's nowt as queer as folk.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 18/05/2012 08:16

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

When we told our PILs, my MIL's first comment was, "Is it a badger?" (We have a thing about badgers...) and then changed the subject quite abruptly.

I may have phrased it slightly ambiguously to my mother - I'd just come back from the doctor and said to her, "Well, if all is well in 8 weeks, you're going to be a grandmother!" - referring to the 12 week safety net. My mother thought I meant that I was going to give birth in 8 weeks! She went pale, sat down and then had to rush to the loo.

Both sets of parents have been competing for DD's affections ever since and absolutely dote on her. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it - they will love your DC as soon as he/she pops out.

storminabuttercup · 18/05/2012 08:22

at saycool having a badger

PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 18/05/2012 08:27

Yes mine didn't say anything either, never mentioned it once the whole way through my pregnancy I actually started to think they hadn't heard us and just thought I was fat but no they knew just decided to ignore it and they have pretty much done that ever since he is 6.5 now.

PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 18/05/2012 08:27

Oh and congratulations didn't want to be as ride as them

pumpkinsweetie · 18/05/2012 08:28

Yes infact my mil and my Dhs aunty started an argument with my dh over it.
We left it until i was 16 weeks to tell them as we were living with them at the time while we were looking for a place to live.
Around the time i told them we had found a place to live, we were just waiting to move our stuff in.
Anyways we told mil our happy news, she said"oh your day wont be happy about this" and the aunt preceded to say the same thing!- it was all very awkward indeed, they carried on to say how will you cope in a flat of your own, we were both 22 at the time!
Anyway when fil found out he hit the roof also, but i have found to learn almost 8 years later the reason why-they obviously dont want their son to grow up and wernt happy with him moving out.
3 more kids down the line, we still get the same shit every time we have a new baby, fil even swore "not another bloody girl" after my scan with dc 4!
Iv learnt to just ignore them now well apart from the other crap they put me through

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 18/05/2012 08:32

There's actually a picture of my DD and her badger on my profile.....

I'm actually at some of these reactions! It should be such a happy time for you, and dealing with grandparents' reactions should be the least of your worries.

Aworryingtrend · 18/05/2012 08:33

My PiLs sound exactly the same as yours OP- not rude or anyhting, but quite cold and would need a rocket up their backsides to get excited. When we rang to tell them the news (first grandchild) MiL said congratulations but PiL said 'oh right...anyway about my work's party last night..."

We had bee expecting it and they have been marginally warmer since then but they are never going to be the most doting of grandparents!

HermanMumster · 18/05/2012 08:33

Well look on the bright side - doesn't sound as if she's going to be 'taking over', or buying a pram for the baby that you'll be expected to use whether it suits you or not, or knitting hideous scratchy woollen matinee jackets - all that stuff that drives DILs mad on here ...

storminabuttercup · 18/05/2012 08:39

Just remembered, my own grandad said 'you'd better bloody not be lady' to which my grandma said 'love, she's 26' and he said 'oh yeah I forgot' then beamed, he's currently battling with cancer and swears that his fight is going so well (the prognosis is better than we and the doctors ever dreams possible) because of DS, he worships him.

marshmallowpies · 18/05/2012 08:39

Not a pregnancy announcement, but when I rang my parents to say DD had arrived, my mum wasn't in and my dad started telling me in great detail about what he'd been doing that morning.

I'd had an ELCS so they knew the baby was arriving, so there was no 'surprise' element, but I did want to stop my dad and say 'don't you want to know anything about your new granddaughter?'

I imagine he was being a bit squeamish & didn't want to ask about the operation bit, but he could at least have asked about HER. And the first time he met her he got her name wrong.

PS my dad really is lovely, I'm just not sure he 'gets' babies.

margarethamilton · 18/05/2012 09:16

Congratulations!

My FIL has been non plussed about our pregnancy. DH told him in Christmas day and he changed the subject to his new dining room furniture! We see him two or three times per year so I wasn't expecting much but after five rounds of treatment for infertility and losing our first, I kind of expected more...

DH called him recently to have a (rare) conversation. He lectured him on how much the baby would 'completely change' our lives and were we really ready - ffs!! We are 36 and 39 years old!!

Not expecting any great change once she's here in a couple of months tbh!

CruCru · 18/05/2012 09:33

Spuddy - congratulations from me too.

manicbmc · 18/05/2012 09:56

My parents were over the moon (my dad more because I had managed to actually get married 6 weeks earlier and so wouldn't be out of wedlock ). I don't think ex fil reacted much, other than buying his son a drink (pretty usual). The ex mil seemed to be initially happy that she'd be getting a baby (wtf) - but when we announced it was twins 10 weeks later, she went off it about how I would never be able to cope with two babies.

TheBigJessie · 18/05/2012 10:16

Spuddybean your parents are being Very Silly and unfair.

But hey, you're going to have a baby! Congratulations! Babies smell nice.

iwantbrie · 18/05/2012 11:38

Congratulations!
When I got pg with our first we were looking for a house but still living with our parents so the reactions were mixed to say the least! IL's thought (and told us) we were stupid, irresponsible etc and took ages to come round. Second time MIL said she kind of knew anyway, so did my mum. Fil & my dad didn't really say much except congratualtions.
Third time it really hit the fan, MIL got hysterical, told DH later that she didn't sleep because she was worrying about how we would cope, I was so much older (!!) this time, how could we afford it, what about our other 2, hiow selfish we were and upset because my SIL's only have one each. FIL rolled his eyes, grinned & made a joke about whether we knew how it happened yet! My mum was suprised but quite pleased & my dad just burst out laughing .
When I was 6 months pg DH had a vc & ended up explaining to his mum because he was in quite a lot of pain. Her reaction? "good. About time too".
She's actually a great grandmother when they're babies & dotes on them. Shame she's not that interested when they grow up though.

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