to ask for contribution to bills?

[lou2321]

SIL, her partner and my DN are coming to stay with us for up to a month as they are having work done on the house.

I am mainly ok with it, didn't really have much choice as she said they were having the bathroom done so I am thinking a week tops so originally said that was fine but it turns out there is a lot more being done so could take a lot longer.

We are really close so other than the fact it is bad timing and the fact I am mildly pissed off they booked the work in before asking it really is fine that they will be here. They have stayed for 3 weeks before and said they were happy to contribute £20 a week but she asked her cleaners to come round to mine instead of theirs as she had forgotten to cancel them then deducted the £40 to pay them off the £60 she was going to give me for the 3 weeks so I need to establish the 'rules'. My DH is no help as says just tell her what she needs to pay.

WIBU to ask for a contribution to the electric/gas etc as there will be an additional 3 people in the house and if it is reasonable how much would you ask for.

I am definitely not tight and I can't see how what I have said makes it sound that way, I am really generous to my friends and family and do a lot for them, when SIL split up from her DDs dad I had DN overnight at least once a week and helped in whatever way I can. I would never have asked for money for food or days out etc.

Last time they stayed 3 weeks and gave us £20 INCLUDING food, they bought some food with them but not a lot. We are doing them a favour as they have nowhere else to stay - it is not a visit - they live round the corner.

EarnesttheBavarian Would you borrow someones car and not put back the petrol then? That sounds tight to me!

I do agree not to charge family to stay in most circumstances but in ALL cases surely they should pay their way for food?

Can't you just ask straight out,"What do you want to do about food?". That would be my main concern.

Yes, you're right OP, if you have house guests (as opposed to visitors) then they should always cover the cost of their own food.

I think I will just speak to her (or get DH to) about the food and say its fine to use all the general bits but they need to contribute to the weekly shopping (a reasonable amount not £7 a week like before).

I won't ask specifically for bills as it doesn't seem right for family.

lou..haven't read all the posts, but hoping you didn't think I was suggesting you were tight...I think you actually sound overly generous . It would be interesting to know what people generally spend on food for a week, that might help with what sort of contribution you should be offered..we are a family of 4 and spend around £100..that said, we are big foodies and eat too much! My brother's family manage on £50 a week (food..not washing powder etc).

I would not charge them.

But neither would I "spoil" them by getting take aways or taking them out for dinner.

Just don't feel you need to host them and cater for them all the time, giev them their own space in the fridge, and continue your own life as much as possible. Ask them in the morning if they want to eat with you all together, buy cheap bulk (pasta) for simple meals, so you don't feel it is costing you lots!

If they do not offer to cook for you, or take you out, I would stop asking them to join us for dinner.

Thing is, I cannot really imagine this whole scenario, as when we have family to stay (am from abroad, so they may stay 1 or 2 weeks) we would try to spoil them, they would take us out for dinner, they would buy a take away on a night they know I am busy, etc etc. It sounds a bit sad that they are so lacking in generosity it is curbing your own generous nature, and think you need to charge them...

Can't they manage to live around the work? And get the work scheduled around them? We had our bathroom gutted, re-fitted and re-tiled last year. It took the best part of 10 days, and we do have a downstairs loo, but we had a bath back in by day 3, and the rest of the time it was just a matter of tip-toeing around piles of plumbing, tiles etc. The shower was the last thing back up and running. I haven't read the full thread, but I would have thought that a pro-rata contribution to heating/lighting bills (i.e. if there are three of them and three of you for four weeks, than half a month's bills, which could be around £50 in itself, if our bills are anything to go by) wouldn't be unreasonable. You could share food costs similarly.

Unless I was stretched financially I wouldn't charge at all, however I would expect them to cover 50% of the food/drinks etc for the time they are staying and contribute towards cooking, washing, housework i.e. not to act as 'paying (but not paying) guests, but to act as family, all in together, sharing the load.

It would be difficult for them to live there as the chimneys are through the whole house and also the bathroom is being spilt into 2 sections (half family bathroom/half en suite) so they won't have another bathroom.

Chandon - what you are decribing is something totally different and I totally agree with you - the family would be visitors and this circumstances I wouldn't even be thinking about charging - even for food.

We probably spend around £100 a week too so I was considering saying £50 for food or something and I'll just do a big internet shop and they can order what they want.

op, I've only ever borrowed my fil car and done a couple of journeys of a couple of miles, so it hash#t ever come up, otherwise I would offer the money and I'd make sure it was a realistic amount. I think offering, as in your case a fiver when it clearly doesn't come close is calculated tightness cos she's given the money so can claim to have been fair, when no doubt she knows it's way under so it's deliberately ripping you off :(

20 for a 3 week stay is outrageous and honestly, I feel sorry you're in this position as it's the underhanded tightness which really annoys.

I would get dh to have a clear word and spell thinghs out. Leaving them to come up with the suggestion clearly isn't going to work.

Is there really no where else for them to go? What about your exam?
Best of luck.

There really isn't anywhere else to go, unfortunately DH's mum passed away and she was the only other family.

I have warned them about my exam and about the rules regarding kids bed times etc as they have a tendancy to let DN stay up late so they are well aware.

Its a really important exam and has taken 6 years to get to this point, it is my last one so I am going to have to be very strict with them- maybe I should get her to do the bath/bed routine each night next week so I can study?!

yes definitely, good idea. Take yourself off to wherever you study and tell them to get the kids into bed. Make sure you send them off to get started on the bedtime routine even a bit earlier than usual to make sure they do it, at the right time and dn gets sent off too.

If I had a major exam that had taken me several years to get to I would not be having visitors until after it.

If you fail or don't do as well as you should of due to not being able to study or being so stressed that you cant concentrate - who is going to suffer in the long term??? Certainly not them in their lovely new home but you and your family.

Once I had taken the exam THEN I would have visitors. They could delay the building works by a few days to accommodate this simple request - after-all you are helping them so they should help you by being flexible.

Ditto what myboy said. If your exam is that important you are daft to jeopardize it. And no. Yanbu, they are being rude (or are if they don't contribute fairly and even generously). It's down to you to be assertive though!

An update if anyone is interested . . .

1st night they arrived really late which ended up in disruption with all kids going to bed way too late.

1st morning - we all woke up late as the power went off due to the boiler breaking so we now have no hot water at all until after the weekend (a whole week with 2 familes).

I had to clear up after their breakfast and evening meal stuff as it was just all left out, they burnt my saucepan as well. They offered to put DCs to bed so I went out to pick DS1 up from his club and got home to kids running around the lounge not actually in bed.

The cleaner was coming so I picked their shoes up from the middle of the hallway (left there for 2 days) and put them on the end of their bed. SIL comes in and says who put our shoes on the bed. I reply - I did as the cleaner is coming and I was tidying up. SHe said 'I have a thing about shoes on the bed'. I said ' I have a thing about shoes left in the middle of the hall' They all laugh - I wasn't actually joking!

Its all going swimmingly but I haven't asked for any contribution - I am going to leave it up to them to bring it up and if not I will just ask for a fixed amount to cover extra loo rolls, dishwasher tabs etc and any food at the end.

bloody hell, sounds horrendously stressful already. Need to sit out and say you will need to establish rules or it won't work - then state things like breakfast stuff put away, picking up after selves and bedtimes strictly adhered to. Good luck. Sounds like you're going to need it. Yikes.

Deffo get dh to put his foot down, tho ime men rather turn a blind eye.

lou they are going to do your head in. you need to get control of this before its gets worse.....

ground rules needed!

I know! I did say last night to make sure everything was completely clear for the cleaner which they then did.

I have said to DH about it and he does agree its not on but I have said that as I am extremely stressed due to exam and work etc that maybe we can see how it goes for the rest of the week just by dropping gently hints then at least next week if that hasn't worked he will say something.

I nearly fell of my chair when DN told DS2 that they were staying for 6 weeks. They had asked for 2-4 weeks. I did ask them about this and they said the builder had said probably about 4 weeks (not allowing for anything to go wrong) so could be a bit longer but yesterdays report was that things were going well.

Don't get me wrong I do love them to bits but I would not choose to live with them (neither would DH).

I hope they are now at least cleaning up their meal things rather than expecting you to do all that as WELL as housing them?!

Besides which - your house, your beds, so your rules re shoes not in hall!!

It probably was a bit daft I put the shoes on the bed (not sure why I did it really as I could hve just put them on the floor in their room) but it was getting on my nerves.

TBH I don't think they immediately clear stuff up at theirs so they probably don't think they are doing anything wrong.

I will definitely sort it, just need to get tomorrow out of the way so I have a clear head not clouded with stress!

Hmm - what happens if the builders take much longer than expected, which imho they always often do? Definately clear gorund rules from the start will be important to help you keep your sanity!

I would also sort out any contribution you want them to make at this stage - even if it's pretty vague - "About X amount a week should cover the extra expenses such as food etc" - should mean that they know the score and don't feel thike it's come as a surprise at the end (although they should have offered in advance!!)
I'd also agree it in terms of £x per week - so if they stay longer they pay more!

They sound a total nightmare. Rude, inconsiderate, and ungrateful.
They treat you like a skivvy.

You need to set some ground rules now.

They clear up after their meals, tidy after themselves, or they will have to look for a B&B. You dont want them to take advantage of your kindness by treating you like shit.

They are taking the piss.

they are piss takers and are going to keep trying it on.

anyone decent staying in someone elses home would (1) insist on paying (2) be really tidy & considerate

they are not doing either...

But they are not at theirs now, and there are 2 families trying to work around limited kitchen space and utensils, so they should ahve some bit more awareness of that, at least. Quite apart from the fact that you do not need thhis extra, additional stress on top of them descending and you doing the exam as well....

Definitely need to sit down and work out ground rules when exam is over and clear thinking has a chance to re-emerge. Or they always HAVE the alternative of finding a B&B, renting other accom etc.