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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for contribution to bills?

125 replies

lou2321 · 17/05/2012 13:47

SIL, her partner and my DN are coming to stay with us for up to a month as they are having work done on the house.

I am mainly ok with it, didn't really have much choice as she said they were having the bathroom done so I am thinking a week tops so originally said that was fine but it turns out there is a lot more being done so could take a lot longer.

We are really close so other than the fact it is bad timing and the fact I am mildly pissed off they booked the work in before asking it really is fine that they will be here. They have stayed for 3 weeks before and said they were happy to contribute £20 a week but she asked her cleaners to come round to mine instead of theirs as she had forgotten to cancel them then deducted the £40 to pay them off the £60 she was going to give me for the 3 weeks so I need to establish the 'rules'. My DH is no help as says just tell her what she needs to pay.

WIBU to ask for a contribution to the electric/gas etc as there will be an additional 3 people in the house and if it is reasonable how much would you ask for.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 18/05/2012 00:10

I agree with Agent - I can't perceive that I would ever charge family for moving in for a bit, unless I was completely skint, which you say you aren't. Equally, if I were the SiL, I wouldn't set out to move in with someone else for longer than a day or two anyway I would offer to come and do the shop with you and then insist on paying, so it's more tricky if you don't think she will.
I don't know how timings work out etc., (or the size of your fridge and storeage in the kitchen!) but would eating separately work ?
If you think the right way forward is to be upfront and say you need them to cover their costs, then I don't think £20 would do it. I'd say... "What is your normal weekly supermarket + top ups bill ? Shall we say you give us that much and forget about the extra electricity etc. ?" (After all, your bills aren't really going to change that much)

Iteotwawki · 18/05/2012 05:04

My family stayed for 3 weeks with my Dad recently - we paid nothing towards food, electricity or otherwise. When he comes to stay with us for 3 months he will pay nothing at all (not even a takeout).

If my sister or brother & their families were staying with us no matter how long for I wouldn't dream of taking a penny from them. They're family!

alphabite · 18/05/2012 05:23

I would never ask for money from family. They wouldn't ask me either.

MerylStrop · 18/05/2012 05:48

I'd really not "charge" them for anything. I think it will wrongfoot you somewhere along the line. Asking for a contribution to bills (and bog roll) seems well, just....tight, unless - even -if you are extremely skint.

That said,you are not a B&B so I agree they need to share food costs and the housework. So you need a meeting to discuss how it is going to work, whether that is sharing meals, going halves on the shopping bill or they sort themselves out, rota(!) whatever will work best for you.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 18/05/2012 05:54

Also need to decide what will happen when the building works over run......

BackforGood · 18/05/2012 08:26

I do think I would like to talk about the practicalities of all living together for a month or more (whoever heard of building works finishing on time, or early ?) rather than the cash, then, if you want, money can be casually thrown into that discussion.
Do you all need to be out at the same time in the mornings?
Do you all tend to eat similar types of food?
Do you have the same sorts of 'rules' that are important parenting for you (bed times, helping self to food, table manners, eating at the table)?
Are you all going to be wanting to use a single bathroom at the same time?
Do you have enough space that you can go off and watch different TV / sit in peace and quiet / etc.?
Is either one of you a bit OCD about cleaning (or extremely slovenly )?
etc., etc.
Things like leading the top off the toothpaste lead to relationship troubles at the best of times, but when these aren't even your partner ....

lechatnoir · 18/05/2012 08:36

I wouldn't feel comfortable charging a close relative either but 3/4 weeks (if you're very lucky & the builders don't overrun!) is more thsn your average stay do I would:

Agree how household chores will be shared
Insist they pay for half the shopping
Agree to each babysit 1 night so you can go out on your own/as a couple

Beyond that I'd start to feel like a right miser myself!

IAmNotACowbag · 18/05/2012 08:40

I don't understand those posters who wouldn't charge a penny - I understand not charging for "bills" but you wouldn't mind having to pay for 3 extra people's food for three weeks?!

Even though they are family, I wouldn't be able to cover that.

upahill · 18/05/2012 08:46

Like I said earlier I didn't charge SIL and family for four months while she stayed with us. It didn't occur to DH to even mention it and I think he was right.

We didn't notice a significant change in bills and she, without being asked, would pick stuff up in town and make tea if she was first one home or if it was her day off or occasionly if we went out for tea she would buy the tea.
No worries.
You never know when you need help yourself.

ErnesttheBavarian · 18/05/2012 08:56

Can't imagine charging family to stay, I really can't.

Can't decide if your sil tightness is what's bugging you and making you want to do this, though you say she isn't tight, but the cleaning lady money screams calculated tightness to me.

OTOH , sorry, but you sound a bit tight. I mean, if someone borrowed my car I wouldn't expect them to give me money, and tbh I have no idea mow much I should give for a 60 mile round trip, though you seem to.

OTOH, it sounds like a really bad and stressful time for you, and your exams are important, and they didn't even ask. I would honestly be inclined to suggest they either stay with someone else, stay put and slum it in disarray or tell them that it is a bad time and they either need to postpone the work or make other arrangements.

If they bug you this much you will be v stressed and your exam will suffer.

IAmNotACowbag · 18/05/2012 08:56

You don't understand - it's not a case of meaness etc I couldn't afford it myself.

IAmNotACowbag · 18/05/2012 08:58

Fucking hell it must be great to spend spend spend and have no idea of costs!

Petrol, food, electric & gas are all expensive.

I couldn't afford to let someone live with me without making any contribution, I can't afford to give people lifts of a significant distance without charging.

IAmNotACowbag · 18/05/2012 08:59

If I had money I wouldn't be bothered.

IAmNotACowbag · 18/05/2012 08:59

And if the person in question hadn't shown such a "mean" side of themselves.

happyhopefulmummy · 18/05/2012 09:01

I would never "charge" family t

happyhopefulmummy · 18/05/2012 09:05

I would never "charge" family tO come and stay, but otoh I would expect them to buy some food shopping, help out with the cleaning, cook a few dinners, offer to babysit etc. just show gratitude that we are doing them a favour. I can't imagine anything more cringey than having to take cash from a family member. If I was in your sil's position, I would say "I'll being round a load of groceries, cook dinner half the time, pull my weight etc". But charging for extra electricity use? That seems a bit tight. (expecting to get something back for feeding 3 extra mouths is not tight, though)...

ErnesttheBavarian · 18/05/2012 09:05

I thought the OP said she didn't need it?

I would certainly expect them to at least buy the shopping or help out that's for sure, not sure I could ask for a contribution outright.

In the case of fuel, I guess is they did a 60 mile trip and gave a fiver, but in reality it's twice this amount, if it happens once ok, but if it happens a second time I'd have to say otherwise it bothers and niggles.

but really in this case I'm not sure it's such a good idea to have them at all as there does seem to be financial niggles (in terms of sil being mega tight, I would have been so pissed off at her offering 20, which is a stupid amount anyway, then deducting it cos her cleaner came !!!)

I think with the exams it seems more than reasonable for them to stay elsewhere. Is there really no one else they could stay with?

In my limited experience building work always takes longer than planned, so this could be more like 6 weeks. Not a good idea under the circs imo

IAmNotACowbag · 18/05/2012 09:07

No, the OP doesn't need it!

I'm just getting quite annoyed with people calling "tight" on asking for contributions as people are forgetting we can't all afford it!

How many money saving threads are there on MN?

Softlysoftly · 18/05/2012 09:12

Agree with 2nd, I wouldn't charge for basic utilities to family sorry, would feel too tight, unless you were really really brassic which as you say you pay a cleaner its unlikely you are breadline?

I think sharing food costs and sundries (toilet roll etc) is totally reasonable though, maybe an alternative weekly shop? You get one week they get the other, order online to make it nice and clear, do a meal plan together?

I also wouldn't tell them to get out of the house 7-7 on a Sunday, looks unbelievably rude! If you do get to strangling stage just plan some evenings/days out or something. Possibly take advantage of the babysitters on tap!

forevergreek · 18/05/2012 09:17

So they are having an en suite and a chimney put in/ out. So that means they have another bathroom presumably? Not really a huge reason to need to move out. They could just stay out of those rooms/ area, and go out in the day when most of the works on or may e just visit you for the day a couPle of times rather than full on move.
Most builders don't work weekends anyway

Softlysoftly · 18/05/2012 09:21

You could always text and say "so looking forward to having you stay, will be great to have a bit of time to prepare for my exams, will you take the kids out or shall I find somewhere else to study?"

AllDirections · 18/05/2012 09:30

I stayed with my best friend for 2 months whilst waiting for our new house to be finished, 2 young DC (no DH). Her husband was working away for most of this time, they are both my DC godparents and the house is enormous so no problems with space.

I offered to give her £80 week to cover food, bills, etc. and then I also contributed by buying food as I was out and about to the value of about £20 a week. She agreed (although I did hope that she would say that was too much) and that was fine because I wouldn't want anyone to be out of pocket whilst doing me a huge favour.

BUT she asked for the money constantly. I always did a bank transfer on a Monday morning for the £80 and she would harp on about it constantly until the money got into her bank account. In hindsight I should have just given her cash but we'd agreed that I would do bank transfers. And she got huffy if we ate 'too much' of something

Our friendship never recovered :(

Mrsmuppethead · 18/05/2012 09:31

Trouble is the chimney business can be quite major structural work and very messy, so yes there is a danger of over running.
Whenever we stay with family/friends, we always make sure we take wine/buy meals/help out with the jobs/babysit etc..there is never a cash arrangement, but there doesn't need to be because we will automatically contribute as generously as possible. I know lots of people are saying that they would never dream of 'charging' family, but they all qualify this by saying how much everyone chips in anyway..so there really isn't an issue as everyone is using their manners and common sense. My family wouldn't ask for money, but it's irrelevant because we 'pay our way' in kind anyway. However, if I was staying for a few weeks and they did ask I wouldn't be offended in the slightest.
You say the partner didn't stay before? Maybe he'll want to contribute as he may feel a little awkward freeloading off his partners family? The online 'big' shop, splitting the costs down the middle is a great idea..also leads to 'what sort of things does everyone like to eat?' etc.

dreamingofsun · 18/05/2012 09:41

mrs - some families chip in others don't though. Our IL's stayed whilst we were away on hol and this escalated into my BIL, his partner, her children and her children's friends. Ok we were only supplying a couple of meals, but there was still all the gas/electric/water for 2 weeks. did we get so much as a bottle of wine, no!

Mrsmuppethead · 18/05/2012 09:49

Dreaming...really bad manners I'd say, so hard for me to understand as I'd never do that..sorry to hear that, have a virtual wine as a contibution . I guess these are the cases where you have to actually ask or put up with it and secretly talk about them behind their backs .
On reflection, my aunt is like that, and no one likes having her round anymore! Wonder why?!

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