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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for contribution to bills?

125 replies

lou2321 · 17/05/2012 13:47

SIL, her partner and my DN are coming to stay with us for up to a month as they are having work done on the house.

I am mainly ok with it, didn't really have much choice as she said they were having the bathroom done so I am thinking a week tops so originally said that was fine but it turns out there is a lot more being done so could take a lot longer.

We are really close so other than the fact it is bad timing and the fact I am mildly pissed off they booked the work in before asking it really is fine that they will be here. They have stayed for 3 weeks before and said they were happy to contribute £20 a week but she asked her cleaners to come round to mine instead of theirs as she had forgotten to cancel them then deducted the £40 to pay them off the £60 she was going to give me for the 3 weeks so I need to establish the 'rules'. My DH is no help as says just tell her what she needs to pay.

WIBU to ask for a contribution to the electric/gas etc as there will be an additional 3 people in the house and if it is reasonable how much would you ask for.

OP posts:
upahill · 17/05/2012 17:02

I had my SIL and family stop for four months last year before they moved back to NZ.
I didn't charge them a penny.

When I go to stop with them she won't charge me a penny either

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 17/05/2012 17:07

i can't believe they're coming to stay because they've no bathroom! What's wrong with roughing it a bit? I would wash in the kitchen and take showers at the pool/gym. She sounds cheeky.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/05/2012 17:08

Find out what renting a one bed flat (as they would not need more) is in your area, and charge her half of that for lodging, bills and the inconvenience.

In addition, both families go half half on the family budget. Ask her how much they spend on groceries per week, and ask that to be added.

Lexie1970 · 17/05/2012 17:43

We stayed with relatives for 2 weeks whilst waiting for our house sale to complete.

I paid for the shopping (fights at till who could hand card 1st - i won :)) we went away the weekend to give them peace and i offered to cook end did every other night. I made sure i cleaned the bthroom we used and ran hoover round.

Even if they didn't offer you money i think it would be reasonable for them to do as i did (we were 3 too!) just to give you a break. They should not forget they are visitors in your house and should bend over backwards to help......

Original poster
lou2321 · 17/05/2012 17:52

porcamiseria - did you read the whole thread? They have stayed before - they did not contribute and charged me for their cleaner to come round!

I do kind of agree with the people that are saying not to charge at all as well - hence why I posted on here to ask opinions.

Aaaargh! I think if they were likely to help out then maybe I wouldn't feel I should charge anything but because we were out of pocket last time then I guess I am worrying about it a bit. Like some others have also said, I would definitely offer something towards bills/food/help out with cooking or cleaning but his SIL doesn't ever hoover or even clean the bathroom in between her cleaner coming for 2 hours once a fortnight so she is unlikely to do anything to help at mine.

They were originally just having an en suite put in hence why I said it was ok for them to stay but now they are having chimneys taken out so can't really stay there.

I feel daft worrying about it all but I am quite stressed out at the moment as have had 3 job interviews this last week and a major exam a few days after they move in so I think I am blowing it out of proportion maybe.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 17/05/2012 17:52

how broke are you? £20 a week would make hardly any difference to my finances but would mean that they forgot I was doing them a favour - so for that amount i wouldn't bother. i do think they should be providing their own food, or splitting the total food bill with you if you buy it all. i also think they could help out a bit - eg washing up, mowing lawn.....

how confident are you its just a month? will you need favours from them in future, eg kids staying whilst you are away or free childcare?

Original poster
lou2321 · 17/05/2012 17:56

Its not really about the amount tbh, I think it is more the fact they took the piss out of me last time and I didn't ask for anything, they offered £20 a week that time. We are not broke at all but just felt we shouldn't be paying for other peoples bills - maybe I'm wrong. I'm really not sure now.

I babysit for them more than the other way round and I would never do something to expect favours in return anyway.

OP posts:
upahill · 17/05/2012 17:58

I posted earlier about SIL and family staying and we didn't charge.
Our reason was she was family and we wouldn't see them stuck and we knew for sure she would help us out.

Also it was great to have her (and the rest of the family) company.

She also mucked in. It was bloody marvellous coming home from work and finding the ironing done and the tea made!
She encouraged me and DH to make the most of them being there and have a few weekends away without the kids.

DS2 and SIL spent a lot of time together baking and having fun together.

All those things were worth any cost to us!
(It's also good to know that we will get free accomadation when we go to her place at some point (in the distant probably) future!

WipsGlitter · 17/05/2012 17:59

My SIL lived with us for nine months and gave us nothing.

When she arrives take her to the supermarket and make her pay for half the shop, do this each week she is there. I wouldn't charge for elec and gas for such a short time - will you be heating extra rooms? What additional appliances will be used?

IAmNotACowbag · 17/05/2012 18:05

The washing machine will be on more, the cooker will be on more, the shower, lights, tvs in different rooms...it does all add up! Apologies for the heating comment, I do forget that other people have central heating and we only have electric heaters!

whackamole · 17/05/2012 18:10

I would either ask for money, or be very very clear about the fact that they must buy their own food, do alternate meals, and tidy up after themselves.

Not both.

Safire · 17/05/2012 18:23

It would really be good if your DH would step in - presumably it's his sister? I totally understand your worries but she might sit up a bit and take it better if it's her own family clearly spelling out his expectations. Then she can decide whether she'd rather pay to stay in a hotel/ BnB.

I can see it would Be ok if she were considerate and contributed rather than giving you extra work and worry. And paying for the cleaner is the least she could have done! But if this is what you need to have in place to stop you resenting her then so be it. Can't you talk this through with your DH and then get him to speak to her - without making it seem as though it's you getting him to do your dirty work for you though, he needs to make it clear this is your joint decision! Good luck, hopeit works out.

Original poster
lou2321 · 17/05/2012 19:20

Thanks everyone, this is really helpful! I will definitely talk to DH, I have already told him once we decide what to do he will have to discuss it as it is always me sorting these things out with his family.

OP posts:
Joiningthegang · 17/05/2012 19:26

Yabu - I'm with agent - I would never ask, but would expect them to buy food and contribute something eg a takeaway, meal out or babysitting etc. I may drop hints but wouldn't set a "rate"

inabeautifulplace · 17/05/2012 19:32

I personally feel that it is up to your DH to explain to his sister that last time they stayed you were out of pocket and that it's not fair to repeat that scenario. I wouldn't ask for a contribution to bills , but they should be falling over themselves to buy all the shopping and take you out etc. I assume that's your concern, that your SIL simply wouldn't do that? That's assuming you are on an equal financial footing of course. I had family stay for 3 months a few years back and asked for nothing as they couldn't afford it.

Original poster
lou2321 · 17/05/2012 19:58

inabeautifulplace you have completely hit the nail on the head and yes of course if they were totally skint then it would be a completely different story.

Joiningthegang - if I thought they would contribute as in a takeaway or food or something then I wouldn't have even been asking the question.

OP posts:
Joiningthegang · 17/05/2012 20:03

In which case they are taking advantage and don't sound very nice - charge them and expect them to buy food - but make it worth the upset of charging them - no point in there being a row for £20!

Do they not realize you are doing them a Cavour - and not the other way round!

Joiningthegang · 17/05/2012 20:04

Favour

Original poster
lou2321 · 17/05/2012 20:08

Thanks, at least I know I am not being completely unreasonable - I'm sure it will be fine in the end!

OP posts:
holmesgirl · 17/05/2012 20:18

Its a difficult one. For three weeks I wouldn't charge family. However - shoe on other foot I would definitely pay my way if I was staying just someone's house for three weeks. If it were me, I'd leave to them to offer and if nothing is forthcoming just don't repeat the favour?

holmesgirl · 17/05/2012 20:19

in not just damn phone

Beamur · 17/05/2012 22:40

I was thinking £20 towards bills + food costs, not instead of.
Plus 50% of the cleaning/cooking/tidying etc.
It's not staying as a guest is it? It's sharing a house for a month.

Beamur · 17/05/2012 22:42

If, for example, we were staying with my Mum or DP's parents, we would offer to split bills and help out, and I'd be surprised if I was putting up a friend or relative for a similar period if they didn't offer to do the same.

HansieMom · 17/05/2012 22:59

You need to tell her how much, not have her tell you! How about 100 pounds a week? Too much, she gasps. Then they can stay at a hotel and pay for their own food, laundry and lodging. She has already shafted you once. What is the saying--fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

skybluepearl · 17/05/2012 23:49

get DH to text saying ''Looking forward to having you stay but I think we need to take turns cooking/buying food. Also we are really happy to contribute 50% of the costs if your cleaner makes a visit here. It was great to have cleaner whizz round last time but it's not a problem if you cancel her. Finally we thought 20 pounds a week towards bills would be a valuable gesture to help us with the extra bills. It will help with the extra costs. Cheers, love xxx

ps - the work will take longer then three weeks so get something established beforehand.

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