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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable to tell MIL what I think??

89 replies

PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 13:37

A brief bit of background - MIL favours DSD over all of her grandkids we have had trouble before because she thinks that DSD should not be treated equally to my DC as she doesn't live with us. She should be given special treatment and made a fuss of.

DP and I think that when in our home all children should be treated equally, my two DC and his DD. They have the same at christmas and birthdays and are disciplined the same, given the same loved the same.

Well MIL is taking DSD on holiday for two weeks on friday, dsd was supposed to stay at our on Monday but when DP went to pick her up from MIL she had fallen asleep. MIL said DSD's mum is having her tomorrow so you can have her on wednesday. DP said fine, we will pick her up after work.

last night I get a text from MIL saying did you get my text about having dsd? I said no who did you send it to, me or DP? She said when i text it is to both of you. I am telling DP that he is having DSD tomorrow. He is not going to see her for two weeks.

Fair enough but we had already arranged to have her so what was the need for snotty text messages I dont know?

So DP rung MIL and said mum we were having dd anyway what are you on about. MIL was ranting on about how he wouldnt see her for two weeks and he IS having her. DP said yes like I said we ARE having her, we will pick her up on the way home from work. so mil said well make sure you pick her up first, she should be the first child you pick up. She has to be first.

DP hung up on her.

So I text this morning saying - If you are going to get drunk and give us shit then can you text dp phone and as for telling us what order to pick our children up, well we will pick them up in whatever order is convinent and I dont see what differnce it makes. I know you think DSD deserves special treatment but while they are in our home all of our children will be treated the same and you need to get used to it.

Well MIL wasnt happy and replied go get fucked, who do you think you are talking to you hard faced bitch, dont ever text me again I dont want to speak to you again.

Now DP is annoyed with me saying I should have just ignored it, his mum was drunk and it should have just been left alone and I was being unreasonable to bring it up today.

So was IBU?

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 16/05/2012 13:45

I have no idea - I found that so hard to follow I can't even summarise it in my head to work out what's going on. All I can say is if my MIL told me to "get f*d, she would never ever see me or the dc again.

ripsishere · 16/05/2012 13:45

She sounds like a right charmer. I do think you were inflaming the situation though.
MiL doesn't need to know what order you collect your children.

lou2321 · 16/05/2012 13:48

I have been in a similar situation and I did the same thing as you really. I am not sure it IS really ok though as it should be left to your DP to deal with her.

However - if this is a continuing issue (my Xmil drunk as well) it is understandable for you to have had enough of it all and said something.

The right thing to do would be for you to ignore it but personally I couldn't do this and I ended up saying something to Xmil - my XH did not stick up for me as he said afterwards he didn't need to get involved as his sister had stuck up for me anyway (not the point in my opinion). It was the beginning of the end of our relationship as things were pretty awful by this point anyway and this just tipped me over the edge.

It is no excuse for his mum to have been drunk - she shouldn't behave like this and you shouldn't be expected to put up with it either! In future I am guessing the way forward will be to ignore her and let DP sort it!

CallMeAl · 16/05/2012 13:52

you sound as bad as each other, who other than 12 year olds texts each other like that?

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 13:57

Who actually has residential "rights" to this child?

when DP went to pick her up from MIL she had fallen asleep. MIL said DSD's mum is having her tomorrow so you can have her on wednesday

bejeezus · 16/05/2012 14:01

Yeah, both out of order I think. She more fundamentally so. But you should have ignored het for all your sakes. Especially dsd Sad

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:02

ripishere - she would know because my children would be with us when we went to collect dsd from her if we picked them up first.

CallMeAl - I didnt want to speak to her last night as she was drunk and then we were both at work this morning so could only text. I agree though things should be dealt with face to face.

Lou2321 - I probably should have let my dp sort it out, only he never does, it just gets brushed under the carpet until the next time and we are supposed to just say oh well she is drunk again.

Marriedionwhite - she wont be seeing me again, my dc are not dp's dc so she wont be bothered about not seeing them again. that is where the resentment comes from becuase she believes that DSD should come first because my dc are no relation to her or dp.

I guess I should try harder and bite my tounge!! She is not my mother after all!

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 16/05/2012 14:02

Does anyone ever ask the child what she wants or do you all just fight over her and swear at each other? Hmm

AllYoursBabooshka · 16/05/2012 14:03

YANBU.

Someone had to tell her shes acting like a loon. Well done. :)

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:04

Squeaky Toy - DSD's mum has custody of her, but we have her twice a week and MIL has her anything from 2 - 5 nights a week depending on what DSD mum is doing.

Beejesus - DSD won't know anything about it, DP will go and pick her up as expected. She is only 4 so she won't be involved.

OP posts:
McKayz · 16/05/2012 14:05

I think you were out of order here. Yes she might be annoying but there was no need for the text.

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 14:05

that is where the resentment comes from becuase she believes that DSD should come first because my dc are no relation to her or dp

How long have you been with your "dp" ?

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:07

Pombear of course dsd has a say but she is only 4 so doesn't really mind where she goes, if she misses her dad she comes to us, if she misses her mum she goes home. This was late last night when MIL had been drinking and forgot that we had previously arranged to have dsd. I think she assumed we werent bothered?

Thanks Babshka, she was acting a loon, telling demanding that we do what we were already doing. Maybe it wasnt my place to tell her though....

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 14:07

DSD's mum has custody of her, but we have her twice a week and MIL has her anything from 2 - 5 nights a week depending on what DSD mum is doing

Sounds like the MIL does the lions share of parenting this child...

Thumbwitch · 16/05/2012 14:08

Was she drunk in charge of her DGD? that's pretty poor if she was.

I agree you probably shouldn't have interfered but otoh, she shouldn't have been so arsey about it either. Sounds like there's a lot of ill feeling under the surface here - probably best it's out in the open, even if it does mean less contact.

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:09

Squeakytoy - we have been together almost 2 years and live together. DP is a good stepdad to my kids but in MIL eyes they are not equal to his own DD.

McKays - I think you are right, it wasn't my place. do you think she was also being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CallMeAl · 16/05/2012 14:10

When you say MIL favours DSD over her other grandkids...do you mean your kids? In which case they aren't her grandkids and its not actually that surprising.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2012 14:10

she wont be seeing me again, my dc are not dp's dc so she wont be bothered about not seeing them again. that is where the resentment comes from becuase she believes that DSD should come first because my dc are no relation to her or dp

Sounds like there's a touch of resentment on both sides here to be honest.

wishiwasonholiday · 16/05/2012 14:11

Why is she getting involved in who has her when?! Surely you should be telling/asking her when she is having her and that's it?

lou2321 · 16/05/2012 14:12

It was a major issue between me and XH, he never stuck up for me, she did hideous things to us and he just let it go but he treated my parents appallingly even though they did everything for us. He was jealous of my relationship with my parents and embarrassed by his parents which led to lots of resentment towards me and my family.

I couldn't cope with how he always let her behave so badly towards me - be careful it doesn't affect your relationship with your DP.

MoodyNagoo · 16/05/2012 14:12

Yes you were unreasonable.

Stay a million miles out of this.

You MIL really really doesn't like you, from the sounds of it, so restrict your involvement, and let your DP deal with her. Don't give her any ammunition at all.

AhCannitSeeMan · 16/05/2012 14:12

OMG the poor child doesn't sound like she has any sort of routine whatsoever. Is she at school?
The adults in her life need to grow up and make proper arrangements for her. As for all of the swearing, eugh.

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:12

Squeakytoy - MIL does have dsd more than anyone. DP asked for more time and was told that he couldn't see her at all! I think it is ridiculous that DSD is passed from pillar to post.

Thumbwitch - MIL drinks every night. She puts the DGC into bed and drinks - a lot. She wouldnt be my first choice of a babysitter.

OP posts:
lou2321 · 16/05/2012 14:14

CallMeAl - I think this is actually quite suprising - I know lots of families that have step kids and the grandparents always treat them the same if the families are close in general.

In this case it sounds as if they are not that close really so maybe thats why. I think the DP is a lot at fault in this and should be making sure his mum does not treat his family like this.

JayelleBee · 16/05/2012 14:14

I think your DSD should get special treatment. Your DCs are not your MIL's grandchildren. Why should she treat them the same? In your house, yes, they should all be equal, I completely agree.

I had a drunken MIL (until she did the decent thing and popped her evil clogs), so I can feel your pain there.

It is easy for others to say you shouldn't have texted etc. but I know how hard it is to deal with a nutjob MIL.

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