Was I being unreasonable to tell MIL what I think??

[PleaseChooseAnotherNN]

A brief bit of background - MIL favours DSD over all of her grandkids we have had trouble before because she thinks that DSD should not be treated equally to my DC as she doesn't live with us. She should be given special treatment and made a fuss of.

DP and I think that when in our home all children should be treated equally, my two DC and his DD. They have the same at christmas and birthdays and are disciplined the same, given the same loved the same.

Well MIL is taking DSD on holiday for two weeks on friday, dsd was supposed to stay at our on Monday but when DP went to pick her up from MIL she had fallen asleep. MIL said DSD's mum is having her tomorrow so you can have her on wednesday. DP said fine, we will pick her up after work.

last night I get a text from MIL saying did you get my text about having dsd? I said no who did you send it to, me or DP? She said when i text it is to both of you. I am telling DP that he is having DSD tomorrow. He is not going to see her for two weeks.

Fair enough but we had already arranged to have her so what was the need for snotty text messages I dont know?

So DP rung MIL and said mum we were having dd anyway what are you on about. MIL was ranting on about how he wouldnt see her for two weeks and he IS having her. DP said yes like I said we ARE having her, we will pick her up on the way home from work. so mil said well make sure you pick her up first, she should be the first child you pick up. She has to be first.

DP hung up on her.

So I text this morning saying - If you are going to get drunk and give us shit then can you text dp phone and as for telling us what order to pick our children up, well we will pick them up in whatever order is convinent and I dont see what differnce it makes. I know you think DSD deserves special treatment but while they are in our home all of our children will be treated the same and you need to get used to it.

Well MIL wasnt happy and replied go get fucked, who do you think you are talking to you hard faced bitch, dont ever text me again I dont want to speak to you again.

Now DP is annoyed with me saying I should have just ignored it, his mum was drunk and it should have just been left alone and I was being unreasonable to bring it up today.

So was IBU?

I find it very odd that your partners mother is telling him when he can and can't see his daughter. If i went to pick up one of my kids from my parent's and they were asleep i would still pick them up. Small kids are always falling asleep. I wouldn't let my parents change my plans at the last minute.
The MIL is behaving more like a parent than either of this girl's parents are. If she is an alcoholic your partner should be strictly controlling when she sees his daughter, not the other way round.

It's absolutely fine to start more than one thread on the same issue, PleaseChoose.

Good luck with all of this :)

Definitely ok to post in more than one place, yes. People may hide a bunch of topics, and you'll get a wider audience in some places than others.

Thanks for all the replies I have posted the new topic and on another note I think I may be one of the minority of AIBU posters to admit - I was being U to send that text. I am glad of all the helpful advice i have got now that the topic has moved on though.

Mil has dsd 2-5 nights a week? So the mum is quite happy for the girl to spend lots of time elsewhere. Why isnt she spending more of that time with her dad then?
I cant help but think the mil's version of tis story would be veeeeeery different...

MIL won't allow us to have her more than 2 nights.

Basically DP lived with MIL until he met me. So when DSD went there she was seeing both MIL and DP at the same time, she has always spent a lot of time there and MIL has formed a very close bond with DSD.

When DP moved in with me he of course wanted to see his DD but that meant now seeing her at our home which means that MIL sees her less.

DP suggested joint custody between him and his ex, she agreed but MIL put her foot down, if mum had her half of the time and dad had her half of the time, when would she have her?

As EX relys on her for childcare during the day she pretty much lets MIL have her own way.

For goodness sake, go to court. If the mother doesn't allow contact during that time it will only strengthen his case. Document all the time you are putting in now.

Get some proper custody agreements in place, it is really important for kids. He should have proper access to his kid, for her sake. It should not be up to the whims of MIL and her mother.

MIL should not be 'allowing' anything. She is not a parent.

Yabu but so is she , however I see her point about your partners child having a fuss made of it. Your kiddies see your partner (not the father ) everyday I presume his own child does not therefore they should be spending time together alone etc. however your mum in law sounds like a mad old bat and if I was you I would be staying out of the way.

Sorry but your MIL does not have any say in regard to your dp and his daughter....omg!

Youve got years of all this ahead of you if his dd is only 4!
Your dp needs to sort this out through the proper channels and if that includes upsetting MIL then so be it.
Good luck!

MIL isn't a parent. she needs to stop drinking and start getting a life of her own not relying on her 4 year old grand daughter to entertain her.
Your partner sounds rather passive to have let her interfere in his access arrangements though. He should have told her that like most grandparents she will see her grand daughter when her parents bring her to visit.
As she gets older she will become aware that her parents have farmed her off to an alcoholic rather than looking after her themselves.
This situation would be odd if the MIL was sober, but as she is alcoholic I do think the girl's parents have been a bit negligent here. I can see the situation only started because your partner was living with his mum, but he is an adult and a parent and has to put his daughter first here.

agree, get this to a solicitor

MIL is getting away with far too much and the DSD's mum sounds like a lazy good for nothing who only wants an easy life

for the sake of DSD get joint cusotdy sorted out

I think your text could have been a lot nicer. Hers would have been nicer too if you had been more tactful.

His mother sounds like a real arse. Get to court and sort access the legal way and do not let her bully you with this. She is toxic.

I feel sorry for DSD, as she is treated more like a possession to be passed around to whomever will 'have' her.

You probably shouldn't have sent the text, as it does sound a bit provocative, but your DP should advise his mother she has no right to swear at you like that. It sounds as if he wants to do anything for an easier life and that's why he's annoyed, but he really should stand up for you.