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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable to tell MIL what I think??

89 replies

PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 13:37

A brief bit of background - MIL favours DSD over all of her grandkids we have had trouble before because she thinks that DSD should not be treated equally to my DC as she doesn't live with us. She should be given special treatment and made a fuss of.

DP and I think that when in our home all children should be treated equally, my two DC and his DD. They have the same at christmas and birthdays and are disciplined the same, given the same loved the same.

Well MIL is taking DSD on holiday for two weeks on friday, dsd was supposed to stay at our on Monday but when DP went to pick her up from MIL she had fallen asleep. MIL said DSD's mum is having her tomorrow so you can have her on wednesday. DP said fine, we will pick her up after work.

last night I get a text from MIL saying did you get my text about having dsd? I said no who did you send it to, me or DP? She said when i text it is to both of you. I am telling DP that he is having DSD tomorrow. He is not going to see her for two weeks.

Fair enough but we had already arranged to have her so what was the need for snotty text messages I dont know?

So DP rung MIL and said mum we were having dd anyway what are you on about. MIL was ranting on about how he wouldnt see her for two weeks and he IS having her. DP said yes like I said we ARE having her, we will pick her up on the way home from work. so mil said well make sure you pick her up first, she should be the first child you pick up. She has to be first.

DP hung up on her.

So I text this morning saying - If you are going to get drunk and give us shit then can you text dp phone and as for telling us what order to pick our children up, well we will pick them up in whatever order is convinent and I dont see what differnce it makes. I know you think DSD deserves special treatment but while they are in our home all of our children will be treated the same and you need to get used to it.

Well MIL wasnt happy and replied go get fucked, who do you think you are talking to you hard faced bitch, dont ever text me again I dont want to speak to you again.

Now DP is annoyed with me saying I should have just ignored it, his mum was drunk and it should have just been left alone and I was being unreasonable to bring it up today.

So was IBU?

OP posts:
McKayz · 16/05/2012 14:46

HereIgo I don't agree with any of that at all. All children in a family should be treated the same. It isn't fair otherwise.

mynewpassion · 16/05/2012 14:47

This is a case of you got what you put in. You told off and she told you off.

mynewpassion · 16/05/2012 14:50

Is it really that he can't stand up to his mother or that he likes the situation the way it is? He and his ex can fetter their lives and let MIL take care of the child.

Like squeaky says, if he really wants something to change, he needs to put it into actions rather than just spouting words.

Thumbwitch · 16/05/2012 14:50

Seems to ME that you haven't read the posts properly, HereIGo, even though the last one must have been a x-post.

OP - the MIL's drinking is a big issue indeed, I can't believe that neither your DP nor his ex can actually see it as ok!
Why can't your DP and his ex thrash out a 50:50 residence order for your DSD - the ex would still get her benefits then, wouldn't she? Then your MIL could still take care of DSD during the day if she wanted to but she'd have no rights above that, and she would be safer at night.

Am really quite bothered that your DSD is in the charge of a drunk most nights. :(

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:51

HereIGo - when there are three children in the house then yes I totally think that they should all be treated equally. what a flaming I would get as a step mother if I treated my children better than DSD when she was with us.

I don't see what being married has to do with it. I have no intentions of ever getting married again.

Yes DP does spend time alone with DSD and he had tried to increase the time spent with her. It did not go down well at all and he wasn't allowed to see her at all for a couple of weeks afterwards.

I think it is unfair to think badly of him for being there for my children just because his relationship with dsd mother did not work out, therefore meaning he can't be a full time father to her. We have dsd as much as we are allowed.

I do however agree with you completely that he should be doing something about the drinking. It is not me who says she is drunk, it is openly admitted by her and her children, and dp x that she gets drunk at night. However because she gets up each morning for work and waits until the children are in bed to start they dont see it as a problem.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 14:52

Is there are sober FIL in the house at night?

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:57

I have said for a long time that DP needs to go to the court but he is worried that for the duration of the case he would not be allowed to see his dd at all.

They did agree a 50:50 whereby ex was allowed to keep all the money etc but MIL put a stop to it. dpx is scared to upset her as she relys on her very heavily.

I don't think it is ok for MIL to be drunk in charge of children, I have made my point clear about this to DP many times. his x is apparently ok with it too so I don't know what more I can do? Any suggestions welcome?

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:58

There is no FIL. DP dad died when he was a child.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 16/05/2012 15:00

when your dsd starts school- if she is to mention your MiL drinking and teachers get wind of it...it will be investigated (rightly so)

if your dp and his X have wittingly let your dsd stay over night with drunk MiL, then they will be found to have failed in their 'duty of care' (because they have and do!)

I cannot stomach that any parent would knowingly leave a 4 yo child with a drunk Sad Angry

Thumbwitch · 16/05/2012 15:01

Shame that MIL has such an iron grip on your DP. He needs to grow a backbone and some balls and stand up to her - she has NO RIGHT to dictate what will happen with his DD! She does NOT have parental responsibility (assuming that no one has actually signed it over to her) and she CANNOT do this.

You could (but it would almost certainly come back to you and then the shit would hit the fan) anonymously tip off SS about the drunk-in-charge of a 4yo situation...

You could also go to a solicitor for advice, or rather your DP could.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 16/05/2012 15:02

Poor little girl. Sounds to me like the adults around her need to grow up.

bejeezus · 16/05/2012 15:02

it may have repurcussions for yourself and your dcs OP?

I think you should start a new thread- to ask people who know, what possible impact it could have- if school/SS discover that your DP allows his drunk mother to take care of his children over night- and you went along with it

bejeezus · 16/05/2012 15:03

You could (but it would almost certainly come back to you and then the shit would hit the fan) anonymously tip off SS about the drunk-in-charge of a 4yo situation...

and the biggest shit to hit the fan, would be if some harm came to dsd

Thumbwitch · 16/05/2012 15:05

bejeezus - I'm just saying that it could destroy their whole family if it came to light that the OP had blown the whistle. Of course the DSD being harmed would still be worse but that's a hell of a risk to take and the OP has to weigh up the risk against the benefit.

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 15:07

bejeezus I couldn't agree with you more. I think it is disgraceful. They don't see a problem as she is a functioning drunk, i don't know if that is a correct phrase but I hope you get what I mean.

My baby won't be spending the night there. I wish I could do more for DSD but I will continue to tell DP my thoughts on it. She has apparently always had a drink once the children are in bed, be they her children or now her GC.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 16/05/2012 15:08

Actually, what would be better would be to find out what the SS would be likely to do if they discovered the situation - start a thread like bejeezus said - and then use that as leverage with your DP to explain what a risk he's running by allowing his drunk mother to have his 4yo DD overnights - show him what the outcomes could be if it is discovered by SS, he could lose his DD to foster care; you, the OP, might have to get rid of him because he's an unfit parent and for YOU to keep your own DC, you might have to agree that he cannot be a parent to them either.

I may be exaggerating, I don't know - but if you start a thread on it, some one will know.

bejeezus · 16/05/2012 15:09

thumbwitch I see what you are saying. IMO nothing is more important than the childs safety

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 15:10

sorry x posts again.

I don't think DP would ever forgive me if I tipped off SS.. and it would be clear where it had come from as everyone else thinks it is fine.

Where would I post a thread like the one you mentioned? I would have DSD live with us tomrrow if DP grew a backbone and demanded it. However as her parents both of whom have PR are happy with the situation, I am afraid I dont have much sway?

OP posts:
GnocchiNineDoors · 16/05/2012 15:12

OP, I think you have definetly got the equality thing right. Only too often there are threads on here about how birth children are treated differently to step children and you and your OH agreeing to parent all of your children the same is a good thing.

The problem here is that this poor girl has a Grandmother who is acting more like a mother. 2-5 nights a week at MILs house? 2 fine, but 5? Surely if OH's Ex needs childacre overnight, you and your OH are the best people to do the lion's share of that? I'm amazed that this little girl spends most of the week at MILs and very very little time with either parent. Your OH needs to sort this out, I think and he and his Ex need to be doing the majority of the care.

The fact that she is drunk, regularly, when in sole charge of a 4 yo is worrying and I do think you are right to not allow your kids to stay there overnight, but your OH needs to address this, again, with his mother. Having a glass of wine on a night is not a biggie, but being drunk is when it is happening regularly. He needs to put his foot down. Does his Ex know that the MIL is drunk when looking after their DD?

bejeezus · 16/05/2012 15:13

my stbxh is a functioning alcoholic also

I was warned by my solicitor that I must demonstrate my 'duty of care' (sorry to keep repeating that phrase-it is so stuck in my head!) I am yet to go back to discuss that in full-which is why I cant tell you about the possible repurcussions)

Even if only for selfish reasons, I think you need to find out what the consequences are for your DP failing to protect his child

Jeez...sorry it makes me so mad! How can you trust your dp when he is making judgement calls like this?????

bejeezus · 16/05/2012 15:14

I think i would start the thread in the 'Relationships' section

Lots of very knowledgable and lovely lovely ladies there

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 15:18

Thanks bejezzus I will pop over there now. I grew up in sole custody of my alcoholic step dad so I know too well the damage it can cause, which is why I disagree with it completely.

DP Ex knows exactly what she is like because she lived with them before she became pregnant and often ended up rowing with MIL.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 16/05/2012 15:19

Not sure relationships would have the right SS knowledge people though, would it?
Maybe (for traffic) start it in Chat instead and then get it moved to the right place when people start answering?

Thumbwitch · 16/05/2012 15:21

Might also be worth posting in the Step parenting topic - lots of other step parents who may have useful knowledge in this area too.

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 15:26

Is it ok to post the same topic twice, as I have already posted it in relationships. I think I was too quick off the mark there.

OP posts: