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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable to tell MIL what I think??

89 replies

PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 13:37

A brief bit of background - MIL favours DSD over all of her grandkids we have had trouble before because she thinks that DSD should not be treated equally to my DC as she doesn't live with us. She should be given special treatment and made a fuss of.

DP and I think that when in our home all children should be treated equally, my two DC and his DD. They have the same at christmas and birthdays and are disciplined the same, given the same loved the same.

Well MIL is taking DSD on holiday for two weeks on friday, dsd was supposed to stay at our on Monday but when DP went to pick her up from MIL she had fallen asleep. MIL said DSD's mum is having her tomorrow so you can have her on wednesday. DP said fine, we will pick her up after work.

last night I get a text from MIL saying did you get my text about having dsd? I said no who did you send it to, me or DP? She said when i text it is to both of you. I am telling DP that he is having DSD tomorrow. He is not going to see her for two weeks.

Fair enough but we had already arranged to have her so what was the need for snotty text messages I dont know?

So DP rung MIL and said mum we were having dd anyway what are you on about. MIL was ranting on about how he wouldnt see her for two weeks and he IS having her. DP said yes like I said we ARE having her, we will pick her up on the way home from work. so mil said well make sure you pick her up first, she should be the first child you pick up. She has to be first.

DP hung up on her.

So I text this morning saying - If you are going to get drunk and give us shit then can you text dp phone and as for telling us what order to pick our children up, well we will pick them up in whatever order is convinent and I dont see what differnce it makes. I know you think DSD deserves special treatment but while they are in our home all of our children will be treated the same and you need to get used to it.

Well MIL wasnt happy and replied go get fucked, who do you think you are talking to you hard faced bitch, dont ever text me again I dont want to speak to you again.

Now DP is annoyed with me saying I should have just ignored it, his mum was drunk and it should have just been left alone and I was being unreasonable to bring it up today.

So was IBU?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 14:16

I dunno... I would imagine it depends on the circumstances here. He split up with the mother of his child when the child was a baby by the sounds of it, (affair with you? just wondering if this is related to her apparent resentment of you and your kids) and rather than raising his own child, he is now a full time parent to yours. The grandmother appears to have this child more than anyone else if the mother leaves her there for upto 5 nights a week.

And if I remember correctly from your previous posts, you are pregnant too, so that child IS going to be her grandchild, so I can see this situation becoming more tangled and more acrimonious as time goes on if you say she "wont be seeing me again"... Confused

McKayz · 16/05/2012 14:16

Yes she was being unreasonable too. But after 5 years of a horrible mil who is luckily now my XMIL I found it easier to ignore her. Then she doesn't know she's pissing you off.

wilkos · 16/05/2012 14:17

she does sound a bit of a pain in the arse, but you shouldnt have sent such an inflammatory text.

seriously, what was the reaction you were expecting from texting the following?

"If you are going to get drunk and give us shit then can you text dp phone and as for telling us what order to pick our children up, well we will pick them up in whatever order is convinent and I dont see what differnce it makes. I know you think DSD deserves special treatment but while they are in our home all of our children will be treated the same and you need to get used to it"

you obviously wanted a fight and you got it!

As for arrangements for dsd, steer clear. she has her own parents to work it out and you getting involved wont help. I would be worried that your MIL is drunk while in charge though, especially as it sounds like a regular occurrence.

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:17

Callmeal - no I meant she favours DSD over her other grandchildren, not my granchildren, I would expect that.

Worraliberty - I love DSD and dsd mum has no problems with how we treat the children, it is only MIL who thinks there is a problem. Me, DP and DSD Mum all think that it is only fair to treat the children equally.

WishIwasonHoliday - I have no idea why she dictates care, I think it should be between DP and DSD mum to arrange things like this?

Lou2321 and Moody Nagoo - Great advice that I think I will take. I will stay miles away from the situation, DP can deal with his mum from now on. I never understood why she always comes through me to make arrangements anyway. It is not my place, it is DP's place.

OP posts:
CallMeAl · 16/05/2012 14:19

Families with actual stepkids, not the kids of the girlfriend who presumably have only lived together a few months? You can't expect people to feel the same about unknown children instantly, and from the sounds of it this pair loathe each other so hardly likely, I would have thought.

Hebiegebies · 16/05/2012 14:21

It would seem that MiL is not a suitable person to have care of a 4 year old, what would happen in a fire or medical emergency while she was drunk. Read on another thread that it's illegal to be drunk in charge of a child under 7. Not sure if that's true.

IMO your DP needs to get joint custody of his child through the courts.

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:26

sorry to keep crossing posts I am struggling to keep up!

Jaybellebee, I wouldn't comment on what happens in MIL house, she thinks that DSD should get special treatment in our house. I dont see how that would work.

Squeakytoy - DP had split with his ex before I met him, she ended things with him when dsd was born because her mum didnt approve (she was a teenager) and they never got back together. I met DP when DSD was two. I am indeed pregnant but wouldn't drag the baby into it, DP is welcome to take baby to visit his mother whenever he likes (once born) I just won't go with them.

Wilkos - I agree I was always going to get a negative response, I was just really frustrated with putting up with her bad behaviour when she is drunk and it is never mentioned again. I will definitley be keeping my beak out. Dp has his own phone, they can use that to communicate with him instead of ringing/texting me!

OP posts:
HexGirl · 16/05/2012 14:28

I would be doing all I could to prevent your poor little DSD from going on holiday with someone who, from what you describe, sounds like an alcoholic. If she is drinking every night, then that could potentially be really dangerous.

I can see why you reacted the way you did although what you said was pretty inflammatory and it is not suprising given her drink issues that she reacted the way she did. However, her foul mouthed response is pretty awful and i would be seriously thinking about whether your DSD should be spending so much time with this woman.

I think your DP needs to take some responsibility here. He needs to get some proper advice as to his rights, access etc so you can work out how this poor girl can get some stability in her life.

You sound as if you have completely the right idea about equality in your house and that is fantastic.

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:29

CallmeAl - I don't expect my DC to be treated the same by MIL, I just want her to accept that to us they are all equally important and will be treated the same in our house. This apparently is not good enough.

Hebegibies - I said that from day one but have been told its none of my business.

OP posts:
Dee03 · 16/05/2012 14:30

Agree with Heebiegebies

Why is she allowed access if shes a drinker?? No way on earth would i allow this. I assume her mother knows MIL drinks too much on a regular basis?

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:31

Thanks Hexgirl, it is reassuring that someone agrees that the children should be treated equally and that is what we aim for. It just seems that it is not good enough to MIL. I should have let DP worry about that though I see.

As for her being in charge of DSD I have mentioned this to DP and he is not concerned neither is DSD Mum so there is little I can do. SIL is going on holiday with them with her DC and she doesn't drink at all so the holiday at least should be safe.

OP posts:
Dee03 · 16/05/2012 14:31

But i dont blame you for sending the text...she sounds awful.

From now on ignore the witch and let dp deal with her.

bejeezus · 16/05/2012 14:32

does MIL drink so much that she isnt fit to look after her DGD???

Your DP and his XP have a duty of care to be sure that MIL is capable of taking care of her

That is a WAAAAYYYY bigger isue IMO

LtEveDallas · 16/05/2012 14:32

My DSD is not my mothers biological grandchild. My mum has 9 Bio GC and 1 Bio Great GC. I married DH when DSD was 9.

My mum (and dad) treat DSD exactly the same as their other GC. Their will(s) were a 9 way split, they added DSD when I married her dad, and my DD when she was born. They don't see her that often (neither do we, sadly) but as far as their are concerned she is family.

I hate it when I hear of grandparents and parents treating kids differently. Blended families are more and more the norm these days - when I first met DH my mum commented to my DSis about me 'getting involved with a man with baggage'. My DSis put her straight, and my mum has been fabulous ever since.

OP I get the sentiment of what you are saying, but I think the way you went about it was very wrong. Leave your DP to deal with his mother and carry on parenting your children (incl DSD) the way you see fit. If you don't get involved with her you won't let her wind you up. Smile and nod, smile and nod, and do whatever YOU want Smile

CallMeAl · 16/05/2012 14:33

Well then stop talking to her about what goes on in your house. Job done.

bejeezus · 16/05/2012 14:33

sorry- too slow! covered already. ignore me

pictish · 16/05/2012 14:34

I think it's good that you put her straight. Your dp should be doing it tbh, but either way she needed told.

Her response just demonstrates what sort of woman she is - she thinks she's in charge of you. She certainly isn't - well done!

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 14:34

Does your partner want to be the resident parent full time? Cant see the mother objecting to this as she lets the drunk grandmother have the child most of the time, and I cant see a court objecting to it either.

In the two years between this child being born, and you getting with your partner, did the MIL do most of the childcare then too? because I wonder if she feels as if she has the right to do all this dictating?

McKayz · 16/05/2012 14:35

I agree. She really shouldn't be looking after your DSD when she drinks so much. If something happens is she going to be in a fit state to look after DSD?

squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 14:36

Also, who does your DP pay maintenance to? his mother or the childs mother?

Gumby · 16/05/2012 14:38

Crumbs what a complicated set up for a four year old & a new baby too

Wonder how she'll treat that one!

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:42

DP lived with his mum until he moved in with me so they looked after DSD together when his X didnt have her.

I agree that the drinking is a big issue, I have raised my concerns with DP but there is not much more that I can do? I have said that baby wont be spending over night there but she can see him as much as dp wants.

DP would like to be resident parent but his x wouldn't allow it. She claims benefits which she would be loathe to loose and MIL certainly wouldnt allow it as she likes looking after DSD. When we suggested having equal custody of it MIL caused havoc as she has a lot of sway with dp x and we werent allowed to see her at all for a couple of weeks. Even though initially dp x agreed to it and thought it was a good idea. MIL openly admits that it was her who put a stop to it.

OP posts:
HereIGo · 16/05/2012 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 16/05/2012 14:44

DP pays maintenance to DSD mum.

Gumby, that is what we are all waiting to see, though she looks after her other DGC quiet a lot while their own mother works, she clearly favours DSD. That is between them though and I wouldn't get involved there.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 14:46

DP would like to be resident parent but his x wouldn't allow it. She claims benefits which she would be loathe to loose

Time for the courts then.. after gathering evidence of how many nights this woman actually has her child..

and MIL certainly wouldnt allow it as she likes looking after DSD.

None of her business, and not her decision to make..again, courts would take a dim view of her alcohol intake while in charge of a child

When we suggested having equal custody of it MIL caused havoc as she has a lot of sway with dp x and we werent allowed to see her at all for a couple of weeks.

Your DP needs to grow a set I think, and stand up to his mother, for the welfare of his child!

Even though initially dp x agreed to it and thought it was a good idea. MIL openly admits that it was her who put a stop to it.

Your partner really does need to do something about this situation, because your MIL is going to get worse as time goes on.

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