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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I will still be a good Mum even if I know nothing about babies?

117 replies

Aworryingtrend · 16/05/2012 13:12

Hormonal crying pregnant lady here so please be kind.

I am due in October with our very much planned and wanted first baby. Today a colleague brought in their 2 month old baby and as I was holding him a few people commented about how I didn't look 'natural' or like I knew what I was doing. I said in my defence that as we married quite young, none of our friends have babies, no babies in the family so I simply haven't held a young baby before.

Cue deafening silence then a choris of "OH MY GOD you've NEVER held a baby before! How will you cope! What will you do? How will you know what to do? Have you told your midwife?" Etc.

I am now horribly upset as I had (perhaps naively) thought that despite not knowing any babies, I would still be a good Mum? DH and I are ridiculously organised, we are doing bucketloads of research into prams/car seats/other baby paraphenalia and reading lots of books etc...but now I'm worried this isn't a substitute for real life experience?

OP posts:

BanalChelping · 16/05/2012 13:52

Yes they know I'm pregnant which only seemed to fuel them further- apparently I should be telling my midwife that I don't know anyhting about babies so she can...do what exactly?!!!

I Asked the MW at ante natal class to show me how to change a nappy because I had studiously avoided going near a small child's stinky bum until DS1 was born. She laughed .

My children have survived (so far) with only a few trips to A&E (TBH only DS1 went to A&E because we've taken the view that it has to be hanging off or blue for us to drive DS2 20 miles to the nearest hospital) and just the one visit from the authorities. They also have squeaky clean backsides.

You'll be fine.

LeBFG · 16/05/2012 13:53

Just can't believe they said that - how awful! I was exactly the same as you but TOTALLY not prepared for DS when he came. The lovely MWs on the maternity ward were fantastic and showed me everything from how to hold him, bath him, change him etc. When I freaked I was going to drop him or something, the MW immediately turned around tutting and said 'mums can't hurt their babies' - quite simplistic (and not 100% true) but at the time it turned me around. Suddenly, I felt the confidence that I was his mum and he would always be safe with me. I still feel it now. You will too.

grinningbee · 16/05/2012 13:56

You will be fine, I promise.

I used to be the sort of person who was at the back of the office when someone brought their baby in. I was scared of them, and didn't know what to do with them!

When my step sister had her first, I held her and she cried straight away (she had just been changed, but both legs put down the same trouser leg! I was sabotaged ) and that was enough to put me off.

Fast forward a few years, and I now have a 3 year old and an 18 month old. You do work it out as you go along

PeelingmyselfofftheCeiling · 16/05/2012 13:57

I know how you felt. Thing is babies sense confidence in other people, so parents or those with lots of childcare experience can pick up someone else's child and look natural with them as the baby will sense their confidence. But for babies being held by Mum or Dad trumps everything, so they will always be more comfortable being held by you. You rock

TheSurgeonsMate · 16/05/2012 13:58

Have you told your midwife??!!! If this was important, the midwife would ask you. What a strange bunch, I've never heard that sort of reaction.

KurriKurri · 16/05/2012 13:59

Ignore your horrible colleagues - you will be fine. If you need any help. that's what midwife, and HV are there for - I doubt anyone knows very much about babies until they have one.

And holding someone else's baby is not the same as holding your own. You don't mind being covered in your own baby's puke and dribblings, with other people's you want to hand the baby back so it can vom. on their clothes.

And IME experience, - babies don't read textbooks, they go their own sweet way, so whatever anyone thinks they know beforehand, babies consider it their job to surprise you.

GnocchiNineDoors · 16/05/2012 14:00

What a bunch of idiots! You will be absoloutley fine. My DH had never held a baby until his neice was born a few weeks before our DD. He is, and has been from the start, brilliant at baths, bottles, nappies etc. It will come to you.

Honestly, I bet people don't say this to Dads who have never held babies.

Tbh, it's probably working in your favour as you will be working from a clean slate and learning together.

MeKathryn · 16/05/2012 14:00

What idiots! Neither me or dh had had anything to do with babies before we had one aged 40. He's 4 now and is fine! We had terries and I practised on a teddy. We did go to NCT classes to get some info.

G1nger · 16/05/2012 14:02

I've got an 8 month old. Even now, if someone hands me a younger baby (newborn, or 5 months old!) I think 'what the heck do I do with this?'. You'll grow with your own baby.

Secondly, nothing I knew about babies- from being an aunt- prepared me. I thought I'd be strict about putting him in his own room, for example, but he's still in with us. I also never thought I'd breastfeed but think I might do it until he's 18 months. I just trust my instincts and do what feels right to me.

It's all wonderful, by the way. Good luck x

Inneedofsanity · 16/05/2012 14:04

I worked with and cared for other peoples children for 16 years before I had DS. Having him, and bringing him up for the last 2 years was still the most challenging, and amazing experience of my life.

It is very different with your own child no matter how much 'experience' with babies and children you have!

You will be a great mum OP, and motherhood is learning as you go. Ignore the muppets and keep smiling! Xx

leguminous · 16/05/2012 14:06

What a bunch of rude, nasty people! When my daughter was born, I hadn't held a baby since I was 12 and was utterly clueless. You'll be absolutely fine, OP. By the end of the first day you'll be cradling your baby like a pro. And reading up probably puts you in a better position than people who learned from an older generation and reckon that means they know everything, because so much of the advice has changed since we were babies ourselves, and for good reason - the advice to put them on their backs to sleep, for example, which has massively reduced the incidence of cot death.

You're going to be a smashing mum. Don't listen to them.

marshmallowpies · 16/05/2012 14:12

I had bathed, bottle fed & burped my nephews (everything bar nappy changing) and looked after lots of older children too, but when it's 3am and you're dealing with an exploding nappy, then you realise YOU really do know how to care for THIS baby, no matter what past experience you have or haven't had.

DH was terrified of holding babies but he has been brilliant with DD and loves cuddling her. And YY to the advice about asking for midwives help: they showed us how to change nappies, hand express milk, etc - and the drop-in breast feeding cafes are a lifeline.

You will be fine, but don't be afraid to use the support & help that's out there - that's what it's there for!

MyMelody · 16/05/2012 14:13

It doesn't matter how much or how little experience you have, no-one has ever had your baby before, and when you have your baby, you will know best what to do with it because you will be its mum! You will be fine!

PurplePidjin · 16/05/2012 14:13

You'll love him/her. That's all you need.

MyMelody · 16/05/2012 14:16

And your colleagues do sound a strange bunch but then we do attract loads of stupid comments when pregnant for some reason! What an insensitive thing to say to someone expecting their first baby! Just ignore them!

mypersonalfavourite · 16/05/2012 14:18

In practical terms they will have about a 24 hours head start on you in the parenting stakes. By then you will know how to hold, change, rock and dress your baby just as well as they can and you'll be an expert on your baby.

suzikettles · 16/05/2012 14:20

Things I did when ds was new born:

Put a nappy on a baby for the very first time (backwards as it happens, but I got better )
Feed a baby for the very first time
Bath a baby for the very first time
Dress a baby for the very first time
Calm a crying baby for the very first time

You learn very quickly tbh. Your colleages are either not very nice, or loons.

MyMelody · 16/05/2012 14:22

Thats reminded me I think I put the first nappy on backwards as well suzi - its true you do learn quickly

Stinkyminkymoo · 16/05/2012 14:25

I'd it makes you feel any better, I am nearly 27 weeks and I have held a baby twice. Once when my niece was a baby and again a few weeks ago when I visited my friend.

What's more, I don't really like other peoples babies either so I am truly screwed!!

Don't get me wrong, I am super excited at the arrival of baby stinky, but I am and always have been crap with other peoples.

You will be fine and your work people are mean, mean, mean.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 16/05/2012 14:28

I had never been near a baby before I had DD.
I was fine. I found it 'easy' and ended up tons of the little buggers
What makes people say such horrible things?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 16/05/2012 14:31

When I had dc5 he did this nappy on about day 2 and I just stared at it thinking 'what the bloody Nora do I do with that!'. I even called oh in to have a look

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 14:31

I'll echo what everyone has said. I had NO clue when my DD came along 17 months ago. I'd never held a baby and I was terrified I'd break her or something. Scary pregnancy dreams of me constantly dropping her and her smashing into a million pieces didn't help! You'll be amazed at how naturally it comes. The first two months, I did find it difficult I admit...but before you know it you can do everything with your eyes closed.

nickelbabe · 16/05/2012 14:32

no one knows what they're doing beforehand!
that's what MN is for.

if it helps, I had to tranferred to hospital after giving birth, to be stitched up.
I was in such a head-mess, but realised that we hadn't got a car seat, so 1) dh couldn't come with me and 2) i couldn't take the baby.
i was in the process of handing my baby over to my friend to look after "for a few hours", trying to work out what i would do when she needed to be fed! (had concocted the idea in that moment to let friend try to feed her )
till i was eventually advised by the ambulance team that I would have DD strapped to me in the ambulance.

I have no clue what i was thinking!

TroublesomeEx · 16/05/2012 14:33

MrsD was it one of those when you consider whether it's worth actually popping the whole baby in the bin and starting again?

strawberrypenguin · 16/05/2012 14:34

You will be a great mum :) I was in the same situation as you, never had any real experience with babies before my own none in my family or close friendship group. It's amazing how fast you learn and instinct helps when it's your own too. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise you will be a great mum.

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