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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I will still be a good Mum even if I know nothing about babies?

117 replies

Aworryingtrend · 16/05/2012 13:12

Hormonal crying pregnant lady here so please be kind.

I am due in October with our very much planned and wanted first baby. Today a colleague brought in their 2 month old baby and as I was holding him a few people commented about how I didn't look 'natural' or like I knew what I was doing. I said in my defence that as we married quite young, none of our friends have babies, no babies in the family so I simply haven't held a young baby before.

Cue deafening silence then a choris of "OH MY GOD you've NEVER held a baby before! How will you cope! What will you do? How will you know what to do? Have you told your midwife?" Etc.

I am now horribly upset as I had (perhaps naively) thought that despite not knowing any babies, I would still be a good Mum? DH and I are ridiculously organised, we are doing bucketloads of research into prams/car seats/other baby paraphenalia and reading lots of books etc...but now I'm worried this isn't a substitute for real life experience?

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 16/05/2012 13:23

The midwives would say the same as everyone else on this thread - "Don't worry you will be fine!"

Fishandjam · 16/05/2012 13:23

You'll be totally fine. Tell your stupid, ignorant colleagues to sex and travel. Before my DS was born, I hadn't really held a baby, certainly never changed a nappy, bathed a baby or given a bottle, or even been around babies very much. DS is now a happy, strapping 2.5 year old. So we must have been doing something right...

Only thing I'd say is - IMO, don't read too many books, especially not ones which are prescriptive about how things will be (Gina Ford, Baby Whisperer etc). At risk of contradicting myself horribly, my mantra has been the opening line to Dr Spock's "Baby & Child Care" (the rest of it is a tadge out of date now!) - "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

Fishandjam · 16/05/2012 13:23

PS: you'll also become an expert in your own baby :)

Firawla · 16/05/2012 13:24

loads of people havent held babies when they have their own, its not actually that rare i've seen quite a few people mention it on here.
i had held and known babies but not that many and never changed any nappies before my ds1 - it was fine.
everyone has to learn and adapt when it is their first, no matter how many of their friends have babies, or little cousins they have had etc it is not quite the same
im sure you will learn and adapt very quick! part of the fun of having a first baby is in learning everything anyway
your colleages are rude dont let them upset you, just put the thought out of your mind and totally ignore them. you sound like you will be a good mum im sure everything will be fine!

marriedinwhite · 16/05/2012 13:24

Another one here who had never held a baby or changed a nappy until I had my own. It was fine - they are 17 and 14 now.

zukiecat · 16/05/2012 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 16/05/2012 13:25

We took ds home in his car seat put him on the coffee table in it ( he was asleep) and then sat staring at him and each other in silent terror.

Later he woke up and somehow we knew what to do and he is still here 9 years later !

This will happen to you, I promise, you will know what to do.

TroublesomeEx · 16/05/2012 13:25

You'll be fine!!!

My brother and his wife are having their first baby in a few weeks time. He's held mine as babies, he has a couple of Godchildren, and feels well prepared.

But he is under no illusion that none of that is actually going to prepare him for his own children.

Can I ask, do you work in an admin office? I used to work in an admin office. I've never heard as much drivel (and I probably talked some too) as I have from women in an admin office.

akaemmafrost · 16/05/2012 13:27

Oh and it does help to have a no nonsense baby book I found. I had Dr Miriam Stoppard. I found it a good starting point on days I needed reassurance I was getting it right.

Poledra · 16/05/2012 13:27

Tell 'em to fuck off the far side of fuck, whydontcha? I had held lots of babies before DD1 but that did not make me prepared for having my own. And DH had almost never held a baby (as he was always terrified he's drop them) until they brought DD1 out of theatre and thrust her into his arms with the comment 'Here, don't lose her, she's not been tagged yet' He's a great dad, BTW.

Congratulations on your pg, relax and enjoy it (because you'll never have any time to relax again EVER EVER EVER, of course )

Psammead · 16/05/2012 13:27

What a bloody stupid thing for them to say. Give it a couple of hours and you'll be a pro.

If you feel insecure, practise the techniques on a doll.

The midwives in the hospital will help you, too!

8rubberduckies · 16/05/2012 13:29

What a bunch of idiots. Ignore Ignore Ignore.

I changed my first ever nappy at 4am alone on a maternity ward 3 hours after my ds1 was born after 3 days of no sleep. I did it right. I loved him, and followed my instincts. Annabel Carmel, Gina Ford etc did not have a look-in. Not only did he survive, he has grown up into a wonderful, healthy preschooler.

I have a dc2 now and I am now bossing all of my friends around doling out advice left, right and centre to all my friends having their first baby, but I would never undermine them and make them question their abilities as parents.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 16/05/2012 13:30

U don't need to know about babies. U need to know about YOUR baby :) and that will come in time when he/she is born and u have a baby to get to know.

Empusa · 16/05/2012 13:32

Oh they can fuck right off!

I'd never even held a baby before having DS! And in fact didn't even like babies. You'll be absolutely fine! I promise!

HappyJustToBe · 16/05/2012 13:32

As others have said it's so different with your own. My DH had never held a baby before and looked awkward with DD at first but relaxed into it.

You are going to be amazing. Don't let idiots grind you down! Learn to ignore other people's opinions. I didn't and spent the first 6 months hating the world!

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 16/05/2012 13:33

Nothing new to add.

Your colleagues are rude.

You will be a great mum.

I am shit with other people's babies (especially my colleagues' who all insist on bursting into tears or glaring at me) and am a BRILLIANT mum. You don't need to be good with everyone's baby, only your own - who will think you are wonderful and the best mother ever.

FWIW my mum was a registered childminder and she is APPALLING with babies / toddlers. Once they are 5, she gets interested. :)

MamaMary · 16/05/2012 13:35

Another one here who had never changed a nappy before DC was born!

Your friends are talking nonsense and sound really mean. Jealous perhaps??

My community midwife asked me if I had 'any experience' with babies (DD was four days old) and looked disapproving when I said no. She was an idiot and gave really bad advice, none of which I followed. Trust your instincts and go with the flow.

MsGee · 16/05/2012 13:35

Agree with everyone else, ignore, ignore, then tell them to fuck off.

I hadn't been around babies much when I had my DD. In fact I was 36 weeks pg when I held a friends newborn and promptly dropped him (on the sofa, he was fine). I didn't know how to change a nappy or pretty much do anything.

DD is four now - we have learnt together. And I am still not great with other people's babies - and never look natural. because its not my bloody baby.

You'll be fine, just practice telling people to fuck off. It comes in really handy in the first few months.

fuckwittery · 16/05/2012 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeautifulBlondePineapple · 16/05/2012 13:37

Another "you'll be fine!" here.

The only little baby I had held was my nephew & that was only a couple of times. I had never changed a nappy, dressed or bathed a baby in my life before my DS was born. Frankly I was terrified of those floppy baby necks. But holding my own was completely different and it's amazing how quickly you get used to handling them.

Ignore them. You sound like you'll be a fantastic mum!

Ploom · 16/05/2012 13:37

I think I also felt awkward about holding babies before dc1 was born - I really had only held a couple of babies before that but the first time I picked up dd, it all came so naturally. She'll be 11 soon but so clearly remember this mothering instinct kicking in immediately and knowing exactly how to hold her. (didnt have a clue when it came to BF her tho!).

So you'll be fine - those people were really mean. Enjoy your pregnancy & dont worry about it all.

mrs2cats · 16/05/2012 13:45

Oh dear, sorry to hear that you're upset. Sounds like your colleagues were a little insensitive .

I just wanted to add another 'you'll be fine' when you have your own.
When I had my first one I had never handled any babies. I'm an only child, none of my cousins had had children, my brother in law and his wife hadn't had children and none of my friends had had children. I had no experience of babies or children.

It'll feel more natural when you have your own so don't worry.

TheBigJessie · 16/05/2012 13:49

Poohsticks! Loads of women have little to no experience of babies before they have their own and learn to hold a baby. I don't think I'd had any! Anyway, practice with a floppy doll or teddy, if it really worries you.

Midwives, Health visitors, MILs and our own mothers happily demonstrate the mystical arts of How To Cuddle!.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2012 13:49

YANBU and I'm sure you'll be fine. Your colleagues are just proving the point that 'if you can't say anything nice, shut your fat yap!!!'

OhdearNigel · 16/05/2012 13:52

ignore the morons. Lots of people have never held a baby until they have their own.

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