to interpret this email as a kiss-off from my 'friend'? Long, sorry.

[dismissed]

Have name-changed.

I have/had a friend; I will call her Lois. Lois and I work in the same field, but it is a sort of freelance/work from home set-up (so rarely actually see one another in a workplace). We met about four years ago, and became close. Lois and her DP, along with another couple, were the people DH and I would see most regularly - dinner parties at one another's homes, nights at the pub, that usual sort of thing. I also saw Lois regularly on my own; we'd have coffee or go out for drinks, and we confided in one another as friends do. I would not have been especially close to Lois's DP, or she to my DH, but we all got along.

When I met Lois I was a single, childless woman. DH and I married and I have a family of five now. I did see a bit less of Lois as a result, but we continued to socialise, to talk about work, and everything seemed to be OK. The one problem we did have was this: Lois was quite friendly with a woman who had done something underhanded to my DH and I (no, not an affair!). This other woman - I will call her Enid - works in the same field, and travels in the same social circles. I want nothing whatsoever to do with her, but have tried to simply keep my distance from her. I have never complained to Lois about her own friendship with the woman, and have never deliberately done anything to 'stir the pot' or inflame tensions; in fact, I think I have been pretty cowardly about the whole thing and just tried to avoid Enid because I am a bit afraid of her.

Now, let me get to the point. Last winter, Lois and her DP were married. I hosted a small party for them, at my home, which seemed to be a success. DH and I attended the wedding. All was fine, although I did get an email in advance 'warning' me that Enid would be there, which irritated me a bit as I was well aware that Enid would be there and was hardly going to make a scene, and had never made a scene previously, so thought "why is she saying this?"

Not long after the wedding, DH and I threw a special dinner party, marking an annual occasion and tradition, to which we have invited Lois and her DP and our other 'best couple', each year. Lois had actually asked a couple of months before if we would be having the event, and accepted the invite happily; then, a few days before the date she emailed to say that they were overwhelmed with work and could not come. I was surprised and a bit hurt, but accepted it at face value.

After that, though, Lois simply stopped communicating with me. I let it go, as I thought she was busy, and I was quite busy myself. As time passed, though, and after several casual attempts at contact went ignored, it was obvious something was going on. I racked my brain but cannot see any way that I offended her...I figured it had to be either that she felt I was neglecting the friendship since becoming a mum, or this business with Enid, who would be perfectly capable of smearing me if she had the chance!

I finally emailed her the other day (editing these as minimally as possible!)

Hi Lois

I feel as though I really ought to say something. Since your wedding and [our dinner party], you haven't seemed to want to have anything to do with me. I can't help but feel that I am missing something. Have I unintentionally done something to offend you? If you don't wish to discuss it, obviously that is your choice, but I really do feel as though there is something going on that I am quite unaware of, and I would like the chance to respond or put it right if I have hurt you in some way.

All the best,
dismissed

She wrote me back:
Hi dismissed,

Nice to hear from you. I have not been sure why we haven't been in touch with each other either. I did try getting in touch once, but we are both busy and maybe it got overlooked. Anyway, I am fine with how things are now.
All the best to you too.

See you around,
Lois

Am I wrong, or is this a complete blow-off? She says 'nice to hear from you', but goes on to say 'I am fine with how things are now' - ie, I don't want to rebuild the friendship. She signs it "see you around", which is totally dismissive. I thought my email was quite direct and even conciliatory, and I would have liked the respect of an equally direct reply, even if it were to tell me off about something - but this just seems like she in evading the topic and treating me as someone she once knew rather distantly, not even an ex-friend!

Am I being unreasonable? Am I obsessing? Should I ignore this or reply?

"See you around" sounds a bit dismissive to me, but it's easy to read too much into emails. I'd be tempted to try one specific invitation "Would you and your DH like to come for dinner on one of the following 3 Fridays?" offering enough dates that it's unlikely they would be busy on all 3 already. If they don't accept any of those invitations, you may just have to let it go. Begging for someone's friendship isn't great

I'd just leave it, if I were you. If she doesn't want to see you any more then there's no point in pursuing the friendship. And if she does want to stay in touch then she will in good time.

It's annoying that you don't know why, but don't worry about it. YOU know you've done nothing to deliberately offend her and that's what matters.

dimissed, is there any possibility that Enid (the shit stirrer) has said that a sexual infidelty has happened somewhere along the line? It could be that she has said that you have made a pass at her partner or that she has said that your partner/hb has made a pass at her or someone - obviously untrue but something like that which makes it very difficult to bring up? The thing about the other couple not wanting to talk about it made me wonder about this.

If you miss the friendship, I would want to find out and confront the shit stirrer - perhaps call her and say that you're both busy but thought you would call for a quick chat to see how she is, weave some sort of situation about infidelity/shit stirring into the conversation and how one can never tell what is being said and best to hear it from the horse's mouth. See what her reaction is.

If you don't miss it and feel that you have both drifted apart, then I wouldn't bother. Enid will show her true colours in the end as stirrers always become bored and slip up. If Lois isn't intelligent or caring enough to ask you what the truth is or say what is wrong then there isn't a lot more you can do.

You were def blown off, so when you do see her, ignore her completely (apart from obviously being polite if necessary). She sounds awful TBH, you asked her really nicely what the problem was and she decided not to give you an honest answer.

I have blown off friends before, and can imagine sending the sort of email she did, BUT if a friend asked me directly as you did what was up, I would have the decency to tell them honestly (but gently).

OP, I just wanted to send you some hugs and sympathy. I recently lost a good friendship and it's been really hard. I am trying hard to focus on the positive things in my life.

Sadly, I do think "Lois" does not want to be your friend anymore, from her email. I do agree with a lot of other posters tho - emails can be tricky and talking like adults (either on the phone or even better, face to face) would be the best way to resolve or close the situation. You've said you might meet soon in work - I would act normally, not be cool, and see how she responds to you in person. You might be able to gauge better then if there is an issue or not.

I really hope this all works out as you want it to

I might reply with something like 'Fair enough - I was worried I'd upset you in some way, so I'm glad I haven't. As you say, we're both awfully busy these days. See you around!'

...that way you are being entirely friendly but also neither grovelly nor arsey, & she'll have to deal with the fact that, frankly, she's binned you for no good reason. Which may bother her lots or not at all - you know her better than we do...

It's got to be a blow-off I think, & it is really rude & uncalled-for. Someone did it to me a few years ago, & again, I never really found out the reason. The person in question had done it to a few mutual friends, though, so whilst I was definitely hurt, it was in a context that I knew this friend had a tendency to random & unreasonable prickliness.

I'd just be perfectly friendly but ever-so-slightly cool with her should your paths cross again professionally, tbh. She's the one being a bit odd - her problem, not yours.