to interpret this email as a kiss-off from my 'friend'? Long, sorry.

[dismissed]

Have name-changed.

I have/had a friend; I will call her Lois. Lois and I work in the same field, but it is a sort of freelance/work from home set-up (so rarely actually see one another in a workplace). We met about four years ago, and became close. Lois and her DP, along with another couple, were the people DH and I would see most regularly - dinner parties at one another's homes, nights at the pub, that usual sort of thing. I also saw Lois regularly on my own; we'd have coffee or go out for drinks, and we confided in one another as friends do. I would not have been especially close to Lois's DP, or she to my DH, but we all got along.

When I met Lois I was a single, childless woman. DH and I married and I have a family of five now. I did see a bit less of Lois as a result, but we continued to socialise, to talk about work, and everything seemed to be OK. The one problem we did have was this: Lois was quite friendly with a woman who had done something underhanded to my DH and I (no, not an affair!). This other woman - I will call her Enid - works in the same field, and travels in the same social circles. I want nothing whatsoever to do with her, but have tried to simply keep my distance from her. I have never complained to Lois about her own friendship with the woman, and have never deliberately done anything to 'stir the pot' or inflame tensions; in fact, I think I have been pretty cowardly about the whole thing and just tried to avoid Enid because I am a bit afraid of her.

Now, let me get to the point. Last winter, Lois and her DP were married. I hosted a small party for them, at my home, which seemed to be a success. DH and I attended the wedding. All was fine, although I did get an email in advance 'warning' me that Enid would be there, which irritated me a bit as I was well aware that Enid would be there and was hardly going to make a scene, and had never made a scene previously, so thought "why is she saying this?"

Not long after the wedding, DH and I threw a special dinner party, marking an annual occasion and tradition, to which we have invited Lois and her DP and our other 'best couple', each year. Lois had actually asked a couple of months before if we would be having the event, and accepted the invite happily; then, a few days before the date she emailed to say that they were overwhelmed with work and could not come. I was surprised and a bit hurt, but accepted it at face value.

After that, though, Lois simply stopped communicating with me. I let it go, as I thought she was busy, and I was quite busy myself. As time passed, though, and after several casual attempts at contact went ignored, it was obvious something was going on. I racked my brain but cannot see any way that I offended her...I figured it had to be either that she felt I was neglecting the friendship since becoming a mum, or this business with Enid, who would be perfectly capable of smearing me if she had the chance!

I finally emailed her the other day (editing these as minimally as possible!)

Hi Lois

I feel as though I really ought to say something. Since your wedding and [our dinner party], you haven't seemed to want to have anything to do with me. I can't help but feel that I am missing something. Have I unintentionally done something to offend you? If you don't wish to discuss it, obviously that is your choice, but I really do feel as though there is something going on that I am quite unaware of, and I would like the chance to respond or put it right if I have hurt you in some way.

All the best,
dismissed

She wrote me back:
Hi dismissed,

Nice to hear from you. I have not been sure why we haven't been in touch with each other either. I did try getting in touch once, but we are both busy and maybe it got overlooked. Anyway, I am fine with how things are now.
All the best to you too.

See you around,
Lois

Am I wrong, or is this a complete blow-off? She says 'nice to hear from you', but goes on to say 'I am fine with how things are now' - ie, I don't want to rebuild the friendship. She signs it "see you around", which is totally dismissive. I thought my email was quite direct and even conciliatory, and I would have liked the respect of an equally direct reply, even if it were to tell me off about something - but this just seems like she in evading the topic and treating me as someone she once knew rather distantly, not even an ex-friend!

Am I being unreasonable? Am I obsessing? Should I ignore this or reply?

How ok were the wedding photos? I only ask because I have a friend who took wedding photos for another friend and they were ok but a bit rubbish. Married friend got convinced by some other friends that photographer friend had deliberately ruined the photos (which I seriously doubt - "photographer" friend is very nice and not a pro so couldn't be expected to produce works of art). Married friend no longer speaks to "photographer" friend.

If you are bothered I think a phone call is definitely in order to clear the air.

I really think that email of hers could be seen in either light when you start thinking about it!

Nice to hear from you (....good, nice start)
I'm not sure why we havnt been in touch either ( .... taking your point and agreeing)
I did try to get in touch but it got overlooked - we're both busy (she's trying to say she's not been ignoring you, and understands you may have missed her recent attempt to contact)
I'm fine with how things are now (...fine with everything, all is ok)
All the best to you (... ok)
See you around ( ...... hmmmm. Not something i'd say - but different people use different phrases)

Having said all that the first time i read it i took it as a brush off. But i think that's because having got to the end of your post i was ready to see it as such IYKWIM? Looking deeper i think maybe it's not clear enough to end a friendship over. Be brave. Ring her

I interpreted it in misty's way above.

I agree it could be as above, but still doesn't explain the previous stuff like declining the invitation to the dinner party so late because of 'work' when she had previously accepted.

I think we all know when someone starts treating us differently and if they are trying to freeze us out. The problem is that as you've now deleted her from facebook you need to act quickly if you want to try to get to the bottom of what is going on or otherwise move on and forget about it.

I agree that people are odd though. Sometimes it can be almost impossible to get to the bottom of what motivation there is.

The key phrase of the email is (imo)

'I'm fine with how things are now'

Does it mean, 'I'm fine with you now that you've emailed' OR 'I'm fine with us not being friends anymore'

okay, it seems that you would really like to keep the friendship.
So why don't you reply (be brave) and say something about not knowing she had been in touch and must have missed it and shall we get together in a couple of weeks to catch up?

Panda your friend could be the op??! OP took photos, Enid convinved ex friend Dismissed did it on purpose!

I've also read a thread on here about a bride being terribly upset about a friends attempt at wedding photos.

If friendship fizzled out not long after their wedding then that's worth considering.

I think it's a 'good bye nice knowing you' upsetting but best ignored I think.

Some people just move on and your lives do sound different now.

Find nice new friends.

Enid isn't your dh's ex wife is she??

Oh sorry caught up now Enid is child free, sorry op.

Still my advice is to move on As lifes too short to dwell.

lovelydogs if OP is my friend I'd like to know where my invitations to the fabulous dinner parties have been going

No - it's all come out in the open now with my lot!

Unfortunately I do think it sounds like she is dumping you as a friend.

Who says "all the best to you too" otherwise, it comes across as "by then, have a nice life" - sorry OP!

I think you sound lovely and if she is going to be weird and passive aggressive, not saying what her problem is if indeed she actually has some kind of grievance, then you are better of just leaving it!

Horrible when this sort of thing happens though, you do feel a bit shit and wonder what is wrong with you!

If you really want to make sure, you could send a (very) short reply along the lines of:-

'Hi Lois,
So glad everything's okay! Was worried I'd upset you. Do you fancy meeting up soon?
Would be great to catch up,
Dismissed'

However, I would only do this if you are genuinely prepared for her to send an unpleasant reply.

BUT whatever you do, don't respond with further questions asking what's wrong, have you upset her etc. Trust me, I have done this, and after the eighth increasingly desperate sounding phone message asking "if everything was okay, becuase i haven't heard from you" I gave up in a big puddle of humiliation and embarrassment. Please don't follow my example - nothing but madness lies down that particular road...

FWIW, I would ignore. Friendships shouldn't leave you feeling this bad.

Well if you've deleted her from FB (I prefer to block people's news feeds so I don't have to see their shite but am still able to stalk them a bit) she'll get the message that you're pissed off about her email and will either:

1 Realise she was snippy and get in touch

2 Go out for a drink with Enid to celebrate

I guess you'l have to wait and see or fish for more info.

I'd go with what Clytaemnestra said personally. I can't bear people that piss about playing mind games. Life's too short.

I think you need to speak to her rather than email.So much gets lost in the interpretation with texts and emails.

Do you actually like her? Do you miss her?

Maybe you have just drifted a bit. I have friends that I haven't seen for years but I still like them and we used to be really close - we are just busy and have diferent priorities! I'd love to see them again but realise that we have dropped down each others friendship hierarchies.TBH if one of those friends suddenly sent me an email like yours I'd be really put out and think they were being odd and probably reply with a quick off the top of my head email similar to LOis's.

If you still want to be pals I'd email/ text asking if she wants to meet for coffee (child free) and based on her response either meet up or forget about her and move on.

DO NOT send any more emails asking if you have done something etc! Would make you seem a bit weird, to me anyway.

just ring her and ask outright 'are you telling me you don't want to be friends?' then ask why... put her on the spot she owes you an explaination otherwise you will dwell on it and it will get more awkward when you meet. talking gives you the chance to make it ok even if you both agree not to stay friends at least you can be mature together and move on.

I think I would probably come down on the side that there have been crossed wires. Why would she say she'd tried to get in touch if she didn't want to see you. And i would take I'm alright with things now - to mean that she's glad you got in touch and checked with her.
She sounds a bit cool - but sometimes emails can come across like that, or she might have been in a funny mood which sometimes makes people say things in a stilted way.
it sounds like you were really good friends so i wouldn't let it go on a vague email. I would do as someone suggested above and say, oh good, thought you were mad at me, glad you aren't - but lets have a catch up soon.
see what she says. hope you will report back here and let us know what happens.

I had a "friend" like this - who turned out to be a social climber - I don't really fit into that category - a very long story short she phoned me about an issue she had with a mutual friends child and explained that she's backing off from our group social circle - I took her at her word - I'm friendly when we meet but there is an issue somewhere there by the way she says things to me - aimed at me. I also emailed her (against my better judgement) to find out if I'd done something - her reply was very cool non committal and PA with a couple of little digs - she was clearly punishing me for something and I suspect it is because I didn't pander to her initial back off thing/take sides etc - i'm not Playing her game - im a grown up - I've moved on.

So in short - your friend is punishing you by sending that reply. Don't let her have that power - move on.

You sound lovely btw.

Good luck. X

It does sound like a blow off but hard to tell without knowing the person. Here's why, in my opinion and maybe I'm over analysing - but it's quite subtle. She takes your closing phrase 'All the best' and turns it into something much more final and have-a-nice-lifeish by moving it into the body of the letter and giving a different (extremely casual) closing phrase ('See you round'.

If it was me, I'd be thinking 'see you round' as opposed to let's meet for coffee since you're obviously dismayed about this misunderstanding, (which would be expected friend behaviour in my opinion).

So what should you do? Unless she's an ultra-casual person or very huffy, I think she sounds pretty intentional about ending your friendship, although it could always be a misunderstanding. If you need answers, I would just call and explain you're upset and fretting because it seems inexplicable. You realise she doesn't want to continue with the friendship, which is fine, but for the sake of your self-esteem and possible learning opportunities for the future, would she mind telling you briefly what led to the decision?

This is the sort of thing that makes me weary. Why do we bother having friends at all?

And i would take I'm alright with things now - to mean that she's glad you got in touch and checked with her.
See, that's just it...it is just possible that she meant it that way, and I am over-reacting. But then the "see you around" on top of that just tips the scales. Surely if she meant it as "things are OK now", then she'd have said something like "let's get coffee next week", or mentioned some kind of upcoming opportunity to see one another...

I'm sure you are all right that I should stop with the emails and just ring her...or like bejeezus said, turn up on her doorstep with a bottle of wine. And I do still (well, I did still!) care about the friendship...but to be honest, I am just too afraid of her response. I do think she's binned me, and I have made the mistake before (with one ex-bf in particular!) of being too needy and too pathetic, and I don't want to do that again. I also do feel Enid is behind it all, and I don't want to give her any satisfaction. I suppose I just have to accept that it is over and do my best not to be bothered by how it's happened.

There is a very good chance I will see her pretty soon (between upcoming work and social things with other friends) so I think I will leave it for now, and see how it is when we encounter one another in person. Or see if our 'other couple' mentions it at all.

This is the sort of thing that makes me weary. Why do we bother having friends at all?

That's what I'm asking myself today!

How ok were the wedding photos?
I would say they were very good snapshots - nothing on a par with a professional job. I am a talented (ish) amateur - not a professional. She only asked me when the ceremony was actually already starting - nothing pre-arranged - so I literally had about one minute's notice. It was in City Hall, so the lighting was tough, and I had no opportunity to play around with my settings or even think about how to get the best shots - I just had to go with it. I would not have been happy with them, myself, if I'd been expecting brilliant photos, but since they were sort of expecting no photos (or anyway, only those snapped off by guests) - they were better than that! If they are the reason she's pissed, I wish she'd say so, because I would definitely tell her off, then!

I think for your own peace of mind ring her! Even if she has 'dumped' you, you will know for definite. Also as other posters said it might be cross wires, and for the sake of one embarrassing phone call, you could re-start a friendship. Seems a shame if you've been good friends for a long time to lose the friendship over what might be crossed wires.

Did you ring her OP?

No. I'm going to let it go...when I do see her, I will be friendly, but I'm not going out of my way to see her, either. It may be cowardly, but I'm coming down on the 'it wasn't a misunderstanding' side; she's blown me off!

ooh let us know how it goes