to interpret this email as a kiss-off from my 'friend'? Long, sorry.

[dismissed]

Have name-changed.

I have/had a friend; I will call her Lois. Lois and I work in the same field, but it is a sort of freelance/work from home set-up (so rarely actually see one another in a workplace). We met about four years ago, and became close. Lois and her DP, along with another couple, were the people DH and I would see most regularly - dinner parties at one another's homes, nights at the pub, that usual sort of thing. I also saw Lois regularly on my own; we'd have coffee or go out for drinks, and we confided in one another as friends do. I would not have been especially close to Lois's DP, or she to my DH, but we all got along.

When I met Lois I was a single, childless woman. DH and I married and I have a family of five now. I did see a bit less of Lois as a result, but we continued to socialise, to talk about work, and everything seemed to be OK. The one problem we did have was this: Lois was quite friendly with a woman who had done something underhanded to my DH and I (no, not an affair!). This other woman - I will call her Enid - works in the same field, and travels in the same social circles. I want nothing whatsoever to do with her, but have tried to simply keep my distance from her. I have never complained to Lois about her own friendship with the woman, and have never deliberately done anything to 'stir the pot' or inflame tensions; in fact, I think I have been pretty cowardly about the whole thing and just tried to avoid Enid because I am a bit afraid of her.

Now, let me get to the point. Last winter, Lois and her DP were married. I hosted a small party for them, at my home, which seemed to be a success. DH and I attended the wedding. All was fine, although I did get an email in advance 'warning' me that Enid would be there, which irritated me a bit as I was well aware that Enid would be there and was hardly going to make a scene, and had never made a scene previously, so thought "why is she saying this?"

Not long after the wedding, DH and I threw a special dinner party, marking an annual occasion and tradition, to which we have invited Lois and her DP and our other 'best couple', each year. Lois had actually asked a couple of months before if we would be having the event, and accepted the invite happily; then, a few days before the date she emailed to say that they were overwhelmed with work and could not come. I was surprised and a bit hurt, but accepted it at face value.

After that, though, Lois simply stopped communicating with me. I let it go, as I thought she was busy, and I was quite busy myself. As time passed, though, and after several casual attempts at contact went ignored, it was obvious something was going on. I racked my brain but cannot see any way that I offended her...I figured it had to be either that she felt I was neglecting the friendship since becoming a mum, or this business with Enid, who would be perfectly capable of smearing me if she had the chance!

I finally emailed her the other day (editing these as minimally as possible!)

Hi Lois

I feel as though I really ought to say something. Since your wedding and [our dinner party], you haven't seemed to want to have anything to do with me. I can't help but feel that I am missing something. Have I unintentionally done something to offend you? If you don't wish to discuss it, obviously that is your choice, but I really do feel as though there is something going on that I am quite unaware of, and I would like the chance to respond or put it right if I have hurt you in some way.

All the best,
dismissed

She wrote me back:
Hi dismissed,

Nice to hear from you. I have not been sure why we haven't been in touch with each other either. I did try getting in touch once, but we are both busy and maybe it got overlooked. Anyway, I am fine with how things are now.
All the best to you too.

See you around,
Lois

Am I wrong, or is this a complete blow-off? She says 'nice to hear from you', but goes on to say 'I am fine with how things are now' - ie, I don't want to rebuild the friendship. She signs it "see you around", which is totally dismissive. I thought my email was quite direct and even conciliatory, and I would have liked the respect of an equally direct reply, even if it were to tell me off about something - but this just seems like she in evading the topic and treating me as someone she once knew rather distantly, not even an ex-friend!

Am I being unreasonable? Am I obsessing? Should I ignore this or reply?

Relationships of any sort take effort to maintain.

Can you arrange a meet up with the other couple, perhaps invite Lois and her dp. If only the other couple accept I would bring it up with them, casually ask if they have seen lois and what is she up to etc. Perhaps they will shed some light on her strange behaviour.
I do think Enid is behind the problem.

Actually, I initially read her email as hostile, and if I were you OP I wouldnt have responded.
But ... I've recently had a v good friend that has been going through some issues that she didn't want to share at that point, it's only now some months later that it has all come to light. She thought I was busy... I thought she wasn't interested ... Anyway.
So, if I were you, I would email back and ask if you could catch up over a quick coffee or something, apologising for missing previous correspondence. The other friends you mention may know already if she has something she's not keen on sharing and particularly if shes told them you werent interested and didnt respond.
Deleting her as a friend off fb though will take some explaining if you havent got the full picture, cos if she's noticed, she's well pissed now!

Thats so odd. Yes it seems like a brush off, I think I would have to find out why though. Has to be Enid? Maybe she has been stirring.

I think Lois sounds like a cow. You offered an olive branch. She chose to snap it in half. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of another smug reply. I know how it feels though OP and it is hurtful. Def sounds like the problem is with her not you. Hugs.

Perhaps she is having fertility problems? Being around families can be tough when that's the case.

That did cross my mind too Poppy. However, still not an excuse for the mean email.

fertility issues?

I guess I must be the only one who read it as 'I was wondering the same and am happy now we've cleared up there isn't a problem, so see you soon'.

I suppose this is why email contact is unclear....

Have you posted about this before? Do you and Lois work with sort of event management? Is Enid a kind of D list celeb?

Sorry If I got this mixed up with something else.

Stop emailing!

The direct email you sent could be perceived as quite confrontational and if she had just been busily bumbling along to receive that might have felt quite accusatory and be completely unexpected. That might have upset her/pissed her off and prompted her to send that rather off hand reply.

If you want to salvage your friendship ring her. If you don't just ignore and move on. Do not discuss it with mutual friends - you'll only end up looking bad.

But whatever you do come back here and tell us all about it

I would want to know what the problem is. She did reply and, in my opinion, hint at being upset by something.

But see, didn't I make it clear in the first email that I wanted to know the problem and make it clear enough that I was open to being told I'd done something wrong - I tried not to come across accusingly - and if I carry on asking when she doesn't want to talk then I'll just be annoying her...if she has just decided "gosh, I just don't really like Dismissed anymore, how do I end the friendship without having to be rude? Guess I will just avoid her..." and then I am running after her going "ooh, ooh, talk to me!" - well, maybe I am just afraid of more rejection.

I could try to run into her and ask her to coffee in person, I guess. Or ring her. But I feel pretty well slapped down.

Perhaps she is having fertility problems?
I did wonder if there might be an element of this - not fertility problems, but more indecisiveness about having children (on her part) - but I genuinely don't think so. Both myself and the other woman (in our trio of couples) have had a child in the last two years. Enid - when we used to discuss such things - has veered from being keen to have a child to deciding she is not ready. She was I think a tiny bit unhappy about not being married (had been with her partner a while and wanted to have a proposal) but they have since gotten married, of course! She was always positive about my pregnancy and my DD, and as far as I can tell has been positive about our other friend's baby as well. I do think it is possible that she just felt a bit like our lives had gone in different directions - I've been in her shoes before, when my friends had babies and I didn't, and suddenly they weren't able to hang out as easily and it felt like all they could talk about was their kids. But the change - her dropping me, I mean - seemed to happen so suddenly, so unless she just woke up one day and realised I'd become a bit Boring Mumsy - it almost has to be something else.

Have you posted about this before? Do you and Lois work with sort of event management? Is Enid a kind of D list celeb?
Nope! That's not me (I'm curious about that one now!).

I guess I must be the only one who read it as 'I was wondering the same and am happy now we've cleared up there isn't a problem, so see you soon'.
Oh no, really? In which case I've made it worse!

How quickly did she reply to the email? If dashed it off immediately, then the wording may be just clumsy. But if she had time to choose her words? Hmm.

I want to know more about Enid though

She is an arse because if there is a problem she should say so. I would reply and say 'you know what Lois? Seeing as all you can too is send half-arsed relies to my genuine questions and are obviously not bothered about our friendship I'll take the same stance so see you around whenever.

do you think an email from her went into your spam folder by mistake and then got automatically delted. It has happened to me and now I always check .
Like some of the other posters I would phone her if you would still like to be friends.

I would do one of 2 things;

Either, turn up on het doorstep with a bottle of wine and demand drinking, friendship and a having-it-out session

Or, if I was really upset, I would phone her husband and ask him what's going on and probably cry at him

My friends and friendships are much more straight forward, than those I read about on mumsnet though

Good luck x

Waits for Enid to burn her bridges with Lois.....
.............and for Lois to realise what a nasty bitch she is.............

See, if it is that she got huffy about the one accidentally ignored contact, that would just be far too huffy for me - she's not twelve! Friends don't attempt contact once then get all upset and withdraw their friendship completely. Friends try again, with a good-natured "Oi, Dismissed, call me back yo!". Or something like that

I too could not let it lie and would have to respond - by phone or email, depending on how particularly brave I was feeling that day - with something along the lines of "Look, maybe I am completely bonkers but I'm getting the distinct impression something's up. So please, either set me straight and start talking to me like the friend you are, or at least be honest and tell if I am reading things right."

betty - call me back yo! Alright girlfriend!

Yep, you're binned.

I seriously would just let it go. You're never really going to find out the reason. move on.

It's unlikely to be anything sinister, more likely she is finding she has less and less in common with you.

I had kids much later than a lot of my friends and I dumped quite a few of them when they just became the most interminable baby/child bores and every meeting/dinner party focused on: midwives, nurseries, schools etc.....something I was totally unable to join in on.

Not a criticism of you but sometimes friendships just run their course. I wouldn't get obsessed with 'Enid' I expect she's just a red herring.

I woudl reply with something nasty like
"Wow. What an unpleasant reply. Clearly I am better off without you in my life, thanks for making it so clear :) See you around."

But I quite often speak before I think.

I didn't read it in the same way as everyone else. I read the last line as saying she hasn't got the hump with you. If she hasn't been ignoring you on purpose (and she says she hasn't) then the last line could just be saying she's fine and doesn't have the hump.

This is the problem with short emails....

Although the see you around is hardly an invitation to get together i agree!

People are weird. My mother's sister hasn't spoken to her for years & no-one knows why! Her other siblings have no idea either. We think she might have got completely the wrong end of the stick about something, but as she won't have a discussion about it it's impossible to know.