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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stay in a hotel rather than with my ILs?

91 replies

TheQueenOfSheba · 15/05/2012 05:12

My PIL live overseas and we plan to visit them just before Christmas to introduce them to their new grandchild. I know it is months away, but I am already getting into a state about it and this is why...

We stayed with them a couple of years ago. Their house is lovely, they are quite comfortable financially and there is plenty of room. The thing is, their house is absolutely bloody freezing and they refuse to put the heating on. They are naturally quite frugal and I think this is why they refuse to use the heating, even when it is very cold. It got so bad when we stayed with them last time, that DH, DS and I would drive to the local shopping centre and wander around for hours just to keep warm.

Every attempt we made to help pay for the heating was met with, "no wonder you're always complaining about money when you want to fritter it away on non-essential heating", or "Dad doesn't like it all hot and stuff. You'll just have to put up with it", or "put another jumper on" [I already had 5 layers of clothes]. We even took them out to dinner and sat them down to explain that the cold was making us miserable, but they just refuse to accept that it is cold enough to the put the heating on. I used to try to get up extra early, just to put the heating on for a bit, but the MIL always caught me and made me turn it off. She'd appear from nowhere. Having a shower was a nightmare, particularly as I have very long, thick hair which takes ages to dry.

We will have a new baby this time, and I do not want to subject her to the cold. MIL always says, "well, I brought up 4 children, and we never had heating and they grew up OK". There is no reasoning with them.

I hate the cold. I would rather go hungry than be cold. I also worry about the children as I'm sure it can't be good for them.

So, the alternative is to stay in a local hotel. I have looked at the prices and they are really high, particularly as it is peak season and they live in a nice-ish area. The hotel will be a real struggle for us to pay for, but we have a few months to save up for it, I guess.

The other thing is, they will be heartbroken that we are not staying with them and I know it will cause huge problems within the family.

Nonetheless, I really do not want to put us through that again, especially with a new baby. DH is a bit of a wimp, so will probably stay with them whatever me and the kids do.

So, AIBU to stay in a hotel? Thanks.

OP posts:

PoorAudreyHorseface · 15/05/2012 05:20

yanbu

when we visit my brother in the winter months I express an intense desire to visit the very mundane shopping centre just to escape his freezing cold house!

Original poster

TheQueenOfSheba · 15/05/2012 05:24

So I'm not the only one!!!

OP posts:

TheSkiingGardener · 15/05/2012 05:50

Sounds difficult. Can you tell them that, because of the baby, your room needs to be a minimum of X degrees, and that you are happy to pay for a heater in that room to make it so, but that if they can't agree to that you will have to stay in a hotel?

Tee2072 · 15/05/2012 08:47

I would absolutely lay it on the line or have your husband do it: "We cannot stay at your house. We are miserable and cold there. You either turn the heat on to a liveable level, or we'll stay in a hotel."

ZacharyQuack · 15/05/2012 08:50

Can you postpone your trip until the weather is warmer?

EMS23 · 15/05/2012 08:51

Half and half, IMO.
If they'll genuinely be heartbroken I'd try to find a solution but I do understand where you're coming from as I hate cold too.

Do they live somewhere seasonal? Could you arrange your visit for their warmest time of year?

Would they accept you buying a plug in oil filled radiator and giving them money toward the electric and then leave it there for next time you visit?

comedycentral · 15/05/2012 08:54

Be honest with them about why you are considering the hotel. If they still refuse I would just not visit at all...can they come to you?

Bubbaluv · 15/05/2012 08:58

If they live in the Bahamas then YABU. If they live in Iceland YANBU.
Hard to know who is BU without knowing what temp you/they consider reasonable.

If they genuinely live in an ice-box then I think you need to at least give them the heads up that it's either heat on or you'll need to stay elsewhere. If you give them the choice and they still choose the igloo then YANBU to stay elsewhere.

cheapskatemum · 15/05/2012 09:01

I'm reading this thread because when my father & stepmother come to visit, they stay in a hotel locally rather than in our house, even though we have a guest suite. I accept that it makes my life easier, but I would love to know the real reason! So, I would agree with previous posters who have suggested you tell them why you are reluctant to stay at their house. Since you have raised the subject before it won't come as too much of a shock. You say they are in a nice area, where hotels are expensive, so perhaps you could broaden your search and find a B&B or guesthouse that is slightly further out and therefore cheaper. It's interesting to note that, despite having been raised in this physically cold environment, your DH does not choose to live that way with you and DC.

startail · 15/05/2012 09:02

YANBU
DH and me had jumpers reserved especially for visiting his parents freezing old stone house.

We did manage to negotiate a tiny one bar electric heater for our bed room.

However, DMIL was happy to accept her house was cold and she did light a roaring fire in the evening. (It didn't have central heating to turn up)

Even so it was often warmer outside and a walk in coat and gloves or a trip of with the car heater in were always most welcome.

CailinDana · 15/05/2012 09:03

Don't make a huge issue of it. Just say "We're delighted to be visiting you but we're going to stay in a hotel." If they ask why tell them - you hate how cold their house is and you don't want to be worrying about your young baby having to suffer it. You've already told them plenty of times how much it gets to you, if they just won't listen then it's their loss.

CailinDana · 15/05/2012 09:05

Oh and I know how you feel because we stayed with DH's uncle once and he turned off the heating at night in the dead of winter even though his lovely wife told him not to. As a result I was actually in tears trying stop shivering enough in order to breastfeed a tiny baby. I will never ever stay with them again.

Panda1234 · 15/05/2012 09:14

I feel for you OP. My FIL has a house with no central heating that's absolutely freezing in the winter. It's also completely full of crap that he hoards - broken toasters, bits of motorbike and and so - and so needs a very good clean. I'm due any day now and am really dreading a conversation with him about going up there to stay.

Could you say that you can't go before Christmas because of air fares and go in September or March when it's presumably a bit warmer? If they don't want to spend on heating then they might accept that you don't want to spend on peak season fares.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 15/05/2012 09:30

YANBU. I know what you may about hating the cold, I hate it too. I rarely spend any time at my best friends house because she never has her heating on, and it makes what could be a lovely time into a miserable, uncomfortable time.

If your dh is going to be a wimp, you haveno choice but to book a hotel. But what should happen is that he mans the fuck up and tells his mother that he is not prepared to make his wife and child feel horrible so that she gets what she wants so she either agrees to the heating being on at a pre arranged temperature for a pre arranged amount of time each day, or you all go and stay at a hotel.

If he won't do that, then refuse to go until the weather is warmer.

thestringcheesemassacre · 15/05/2012 09:34

YANBU

Agree can you visit in warmer climates?

My SIL is quite tight on her heating (she lives in Europe with loads of marble and tiled floors, it's bitter) and my DH has told her that we are uncomfortable so she has to turn it up. She does, but it's a struggle each and every time.

FetchezLaVache · 15/05/2012 09:38

YANBU. You've tried explaining to them that the house is too cold for you to be comfortable in, but they're clearly not interested. If MIL is coming out with the "I've raised 4 children in sub-zero temperatures and they all survived to adulthood" line, she's unlikely to be swayed by the "baby needs a certain level of warmth" argument. I think the only thing that will make them budge is the realisation that if you have to pay out for a hotel as well as flights, you won't be able to visit them as often.

Is it feasible to visit at a slightly warmer time of year?

EmmaCate · 15/05/2012 09:38

No YANBU - tell them your plans and see if that makes them buck their ideas up.

Of course you could dress your children up enough so they don't suffer at night and when awake, but things like having a bath are horrible when you're doing it in an ice box.

Also you don't want to have to lug half a ton of warm clothing to wherever it is they live!!

GoPoldark · 15/05/2012 10:03

I don't think they will be heartbroken... Anyone who will see family guests miserable and cold when they've paid to come and visit them and the guests hve clearly told them that they are suffering is actually pretty hard-hearted in my opinion!

Yes, stay in a hotel and tell them why. If they get upset point out to them that you were pretty upset by their attitude on the last visit...

You really can't have your baby there if it's that cold.

And you DH... not the key topic, I know, but once babies come along, spineless DHs tend to become a problem that they weren't before. Why not point out to him that he has a nuclear family now that it's his responsibility to put first?

anniemcphee · 15/05/2012 10:44

YANBU - We don't have central heating in our home (can't afford to fit it yet) but our house is never cold as we have oilfilled electric heaters and a gas fire. Infact I get told my house is too warm sometimes :/ I grew up in a cold house, no heating when there was 2 feet of snow outside was horrid!
I hate the cold, but my sister who has central heating and a gas fire never has them on. She has 2 children who are always full of cold. Worse still she strips her DC off at meal times so they don't ruin their clothes (I have a washing machine that deals with those...
It was so cold last time my dad was visiting that when he came in from outside (it was winter and she had no heating on with a 4 week old baby!) he put another coat on and a wooly hat and sat shivering till she put the heating on!
Say that you would feel more comfortable staying in a hotel with your newborn as you don't want her to be cold.

ChaoticismyLife · 15/05/2012 10:58

YANBU I grew up in a house with no central heating. The living room had a gas fire so was fine, the rest of the house was freezing.

Your DH needs to grow a spine and tackle his family about.

ChaoticismyLife · 15/05/2012 10:58

*about this.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 15/05/2012 12:12

Tell them you aren't going to visit them as you can't afford to pay for a hotel as well as the air fares. When they ask why you need a hotel, tell them their house is too cold, you are miserable in the cold, and you aren't prepared to put your children through it. If that doesn't work, nothing will, so stay home. It's not reasonable for them to expect you to pay to go and see them and be miserable while you're there. If they were really poor and couldn't afford heating it would be different, but if it's just that they're stingy and refuse to admit there's a problem, then it's their tough shit.

AngryFeet · 15/05/2012 12:16

Wouldn't it be cheaper to offer them the money to have their heating on while you are there?

eurochick · 15/05/2012 12:16

Can you explain to them that it is a problem because you are not used to the cold? I'm a soft Southerner. When I used to visit family in the Midlands I wouldn't tke my coat off all day as I found their house freezing. I then went to university in Brimingham. When I came back down South for holidays, I found the house boiling hot! It's just what you get used to.

Original poster

TheQueenOfSheba · 15/05/2012 12:28

Wouldn't it be cheaper to offer them the money to have their heating on while you are there?

We tried this last time. Unfortunately, they had paid DH & DS's air fares to get there. So every time we offered to pay for the heating, it was like: "so if you've got money to burn, why did we pay your air fares?"

OP posts:

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