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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stay in a hotel rather than with my ILs?

91 replies

TheQueenOfSheba · 15/05/2012 05:12

My PIL live overseas and we plan to visit them just before Christmas to introduce them to their new grandchild. I know it is months away, but I am already getting into a state about it and this is why...

We stayed with them a couple of years ago. Their house is lovely, they are quite comfortable financially and there is plenty of room. The thing is, their house is absolutely bloody freezing and they refuse to put the heating on. They are naturally quite frugal and I think this is why they refuse to use the heating, even when it is very cold. It got so bad when we stayed with them last time, that DH, DS and I would drive to the local shopping centre and wander around for hours just to keep warm.

Every attempt we made to help pay for the heating was met with, "no wonder you're always complaining about money when you want to fritter it away on non-essential heating", or "Dad doesn't like it all hot and stuff. You'll just have to put up with it", or "put another jumper on" [I already had 5 layers of clothes]. We even took them out to dinner and sat them down to explain that the cold was making us miserable, but they just refuse to accept that it is cold enough to the put the heating on. I used to try to get up extra early, just to put the heating on for a bit, but the MIL always caught me and made me turn it off. She'd appear from nowhere. Having a shower was a nightmare, particularly as I have very long, thick hair which takes ages to dry.

We will have a new baby this time, and I do not want to subject her to the cold. MIL always says, "well, I brought up 4 children, and we never had heating and they grew up OK". There is no reasoning with them.

I hate the cold. I would rather go hungry than be cold. I also worry about the children as I'm sure it can't be good for them.

So, the alternative is to stay in a local hotel. I have looked at the prices and they are really high, particularly as it is peak season and they live in a nice-ish area. The hotel will be a real struggle for us to pay for, but we have a few months to save up for it, I guess.

The other thing is, they will be heartbroken that we are not staying with them and I know it will cause huge problems within the family.

Nonetheless, I really do not want to put us through that again, especially with a new baby. DH is a bit of a wimp, so will probably stay with them whatever me and the kids do.

So, AIBU to stay in a hotel? Thanks.

OP posts:
MadamFolly · 15/05/2012 19:30

Can they visit you instead?

elizaregina · 15/05/2012 19:42

I really loathe people like your PIL that do not bend, so you have to be the willow and suffer.
Surely for a short visit one would expect ones hosts to try and make you feel comfortable, even if that means a little bit of heating and extra expense.

I totally agree with other posters, say you apprecitate they are well aclimtised to the cold, but you are not and do not wish to be and nor do you wish your daughter to be.

Therefore when you come, can you bring electric fire/ blankets, or pay them for the cost of the heating while you are there.

If not you will have to stay in a hotel or b&b and the cost will mean a much shorter visit than you would have liked.

elizaregina · 15/05/2012 19:46

I also agree it should be your DH who is negotiating this - he can also be good cop/bad cop...." yes mum i am used to it - but my wife and child are not and quite frankly why should they be, I am sure she is also accustomed to many things you are not - I am not going to ask her to come to a cold house. So if you want us ALL to come, put the heating on and we will pay ...or we dont come.

KitchenandJumble · 15/05/2012 19:57

YANBU. I had the same problem at my parents' house. It is the house I grew up in and it was always cold, despite having central heating. As a kid I swore that when I grew up I would make certain to heat my house properly! And I do. The last few times we stayed with my parents, the room we stayed in was truly unbearable, despite a mountain of blankets.

So the last time we visited (January of this year), we booked a hotel. It was so much nicer. It was warm, the shower worked properly (another issue at my parents' house), and we had somewhere to escape to when we felt like it. My parents are good people, but sometimes a little goes a long way.

In your place, I would book a hotel room. If your in-laws ask why, you could just explain that you need your own space for the baby, that you don't want to disturb them if she cries at night, etc. It sounds as though complaining about the cold won't do any good anyway.

Dozer · 15/05/2012 20:11

"DH is a bit of a wimp, so will probably stay with them whatever me and the kids do."

He was OK with his parents paying air fares for him and DS but not you.

He was content to let his wife and son shiver, rather than stand up to his parents, and would seemingly be content to let his young baby do the same.

He would also seem to be OK with you spending money you don't have to stay in a hotel while appeasing them by staying, thus isolating and not supporting you and leaving you to look after two tiny DC while MIL welcomes him back to her frosty bosom.

Shame on him!

mamas12 · 15/05/2012 20:15

I was just going to make the same point as dozer.
Have a word with your dh and ask him where he thinks his responsibilities lie.
Because he is seriously lacking if he thinks that him going to stay with mummy and daddy while his wife and children are not welcome is right.

LucyGoose · 15/05/2012 20:39

I feel your pain OP! My family is from a tropical climate and feel ok in extreme heat. When I go to visit my in-laws in Sunderland at xmas, I wear a fleece even in the house and sometimes in bed! They laugh at me, but make sure the heating is on for showers and during the evening.

Your DH needs to start showing some backbone for his wife and new baby, not worrying about what his mummy is going to say. They seem like controlling and rather mean people.

YouOldSlag · 15/05/2012 20:45

Dozer is right! Why are you doing all the worrying when all efforts should be concentrated on growing your DH a pair of balls. He has been very unfair to you OP, as have his parents.

He should be protecting his family by keeping them warm, ensuring nobody treats his wife unfairly and standing up for his children. EPIC FAIL.

HappySeven · 15/05/2012 21:38

My mum commented recently that you always feel colder at someone elses house. Their house is COLD but she says mine is. We talked about it and realised that one of the reasons you don't feel it in your own is because you tend to be busy and on the move in your own home whereas you sit still in someone elses. I've noticed I get cold when the DC want me to sit and play with them but I'm ok otherwise.

Maybe your ILs don't really understand how cold their house is to you?

Inertia · 15/05/2012 22:28

YABU to go at all.

It's utterly unreasonable of them to expect a newborn to stay in a freezing, unheated house. Your baby won't be able to regulate his /her temperature, or ask for extra blankets. You'll be up in the night, freezing cold, doing feeds and night wakings. And you already know how horrific the house is even without a newborn to contend with. You have asked them to put the heating on, they refuse. It's their home, their choice, but they cannot expect you and a tiny newborn baby to suffer in the cold.

Heartbroken my arse. It's a very easy problem to solve, if they are that bothered.

If you cannot afford a hotel, you can't go . You wouldn't be in the hotel all the time anyway, you'd have to visit the IL house and you'd be freezing then . And WTAF is all that about DH won't stay with you in the hotel because it would upset his parents? He'd leave you struggling with a newborn and another child just to avoid offending his parents?

Also a bit taken aback at them paying for DH and DS flights but not yours. What are you, the incubator?

Frankly I think you are a very long way from being unreasonable, and you should have started getting a lot more unreasonable with both your inhospitable ILs and your apparently spineless DH before now.

If the ILs want to meet their grandchild they can come and visit you. That way the baby they so desperate to see may avoid hypothermia.

Heleninahandcart · 15/05/2012 22:38

OP YANBU I wouldn't go at all unless you have some comfort. You will be miserable either way.

Chandon put some pants on at least woman Grin

Chandon · 16/05/2012 07:50

pants? Shock ...I don't do clothes in bed...

girlywhirly · 16/05/2012 09:10

Go in the summer if you have to stay with the PIL. Then you can get out and about in the warm without having to be cooped up at their house, in the cold, during winter.

I'm truly shocked at DH.

popsnsqeeze · 16/05/2012 09:22

Yanbu.

I used to take my own pillow when we visited the IL's as theirs felt like they were full of rocks. After a few times she took the somewhat obvious hint and bought some new ones. Not as drastic as your story though! Can you take a blow heater or radiator with you?

YouOldSlag · 16/05/2012 09:30

I don't see why the OP should take heaters with her- although it would illuminate how bloody minded the ILs are being when guests have to bring their own heating appliance!

The ILs are bullying you OP- refusing to heat their house but saying they will be heartbroken if you don't stay in their freezing house? Manipulative at best, bullying at worst.

If my DH said he was leaving me in a hotel on my own so as not to upset his parents I'd be having a serious talk with him.

Part of why my first marriage broke up was because exH put his mother's opinions and wishes before mine- he even refused to have children because she said no! (whole other thread etc)

So, OP, don't underestimate how damaging it can be for a DH to put his parents before his own family. You are the mother of his children, he owes you loyalty.

larrygrylls · 16/05/2012 09:40

QofS,

I would tell them that you need your room to be a certain temp for the baby, and also any bathroom where you are going to shower, and you will pay the cost. Then buy a couple of efficient room heaters on your way from the airport to their home. As soon as you arrive, plug them in and turn them on. No discussion, no negotiation. Possession is 9/10ths of the law and you need to put them in a position where they have to physically turn them off. If they whine, tell them that you are paying, it is your priority and there will be no further discussion on the matter. If they continue to whine, repeat the above and say that if they keep discussing it that you are going home and never returning.

That solution will firstly save you hotel costs and, hopefully, change the power dynamic a little. They will realise that you are making the trip to see them and it is not up to them to dictate conditions to other adults.

doormat · 16/05/2012 09:48

op i wouldnt even bother going...stay at home .or go for a nice hol instead to a warmer climate

Dropdeadfred · 16/05/2012 11:32

Where is the op???

dondon33 · 16/05/2012 11:58

Where is the op???

Maybe helping her DH find his balls, or shopping for a new pair.

Original poster
TheQueenOfSheba · 16/05/2012 12:22

Hey, I'm back. Thanks so much for all your messages. I am glad to see that it seems IANBU. So I will tell them - all them, DH included - that we will be staying in a hotel. It means that we can only go for a week rather than two, but I would rather we were comfortable for a week than miserable for two weeks.

And if I feel myself start to waver and feel guilty, I will remind myself of this quote from a previous poster:

All this "heartbroken" rubbish is emotional blackmail from rude, unwelcoming people.

Thanks again, everyone - I really do appreciate your help Smile

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 16/05/2012 12:26

One thing I hate is being cold...makes you feel really miserable.

So....definitely stay in a hotel. That way you can come and go as you please and be comfortable and warm.

They only have themselves to blame....if they complain, tell them why you want to stay in a hotel.

YouOldSlag · 16/05/2012 12:27

Happy to help OP, have a good trip and stick to your guns!

Eglu · 16/05/2012 12:31

Good for you OP. It is true that they are unwelcoming. If they cared about their visitors they would make them comfortable.

Original poster
TheQueenOfSheba · 16/05/2012 12:36

That's so true, Eglu. I never really saw it like that before. I just wondered if I was making a fuss over nothing.

OP posts:
LumpyLatimer · 16/05/2012 12:55

I was all braced to yelp YABU!, because I cann't abide those limp frail women who want to wear a thin cotton dress in the winter and moan about being cold and enter every room with a piteous "It's freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing in here...."

But no, YANBU.

And as ever, this is not really about the heating. This is about your DH being a spineless child who needs to put his own family - including a tiny tiny tiny baby, for crying out loud - before his bloody Mum!

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