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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stay in a hotel rather than with my ILs?

91 replies

TheQueenOfSheba · 15/05/2012 05:12

My PIL live overseas and we plan to visit them just before Christmas to introduce them to their new grandchild. I know it is months away, but I am already getting into a state about it and this is why...

We stayed with them a couple of years ago. Their house is lovely, they are quite comfortable financially and there is plenty of room. The thing is, their house is absolutely bloody freezing and they refuse to put the heating on. They are naturally quite frugal and I think this is why they refuse to use the heating, even when it is very cold. It got so bad when we stayed with them last time, that DH, DS and I would drive to the local shopping centre and wander around for hours just to keep warm.

Every attempt we made to help pay for the heating was met with, "no wonder you're always complaining about money when you want to fritter it away on non-essential heating", or "Dad doesn't like it all hot and stuff. You'll just have to put up with it", or "put another jumper on" [I already had 5 layers of clothes]. We even took them out to dinner and sat them down to explain that the cold was making us miserable, but they just refuse to accept that it is cold enough to the put the heating on. I used to try to get up extra early, just to put the heating on for a bit, but the MIL always caught me and made me turn it off. She'd appear from nowhere. Having a shower was a nightmare, particularly as I have very long, thick hair which takes ages to dry.

We will have a new baby this time, and I do not want to subject her to the cold. MIL always says, "well, I brought up 4 children, and we never had heating and they grew up OK". There is no reasoning with them.

I hate the cold. I would rather go hungry than be cold. I also worry about the children as I'm sure it can't be good for them.

So, the alternative is to stay in a local hotel. I have looked at the prices and they are really high, particularly as it is peak season and they live in a nice-ish area. The hotel will be a real struggle for us to pay for, but we have a few months to save up for it, I guess.

The other thing is, they will be heartbroken that we are not staying with them and I know it will cause huge problems within the family.

Nonetheless, I really do not want to put us through that again, especially with a new baby. DH is a bit of a wimp, so will probably stay with them whatever me and the kids do.

So, AIBU to stay in a hotel? Thanks.

OP posts:
Chandon · 15/05/2012 12:29

I have had this problem, but the other way around!

I like a cool house, and just wear a fleece and uggs to keep warm. Over heated homes make me feel headachy.

When we have friends and family to stay we always have to remember to turn the heating on higher for them.

Thing is, I know other people find our home cold, so I DO put heating on for them Your IL's refusal is odd/unfriendly.

Then again, I often find other people's home unbearably hot! So it all depends how cold it really is...I mean, would you find 17C cold?

I find 17C pleasant, but others prefer 22C as a "minimum"

My kids just know to wear their sheepskin slippers and fleecy robes in the morning/evening.

I just LOVE getting into bed with a hot water bottle, under a big duvet, in a cold room, rather than a hot room...

Original poster
TheQueenOfSheba · 15/05/2012 12:33

I am no wimp. I grew up in Switzerland so I am used to the cold. We never had central heating, but we had open fires. When we stayed at my IL's house, I can remember getting into the shower, and not only were my hands, feet, lips and under my eyes blue, but my nipples were blue, as well. It was inhuman.

Chandon, what a nice person you are.

OP posts:
Ithinkitsjustme · 15/05/2012 12:37

I'd just tell them you don't want your baby getting cold and that you will either be staying in a hotel or bringing 3 heaters (one for each room) with you.

Ithinkitsjustme · 15/05/2012 12:38

And completely off topic, I'd rather sleep on the street than at my IL's! Grin

Dropdeadfred · 15/05/2012 12:38

Well if the money is really tight why don't you suggest that they visit you instead? Only two flights to pay for then ... And it saves travelling with z new baby.
I would be absolutely honest and say that you find their house too cold and won't be staying there because of it

Chubfuddler · 15/05/2012 12:44

They paid dh's and ds's airfares? But not yours? I'm not saying they should pay airfares at all but if they are going to do so they should be paying for all of you. Or making a contribution to the total cost. Just paying for their son and grandson and refusing to put the heating on at your request suggests they don't care very much whether you're there, or comfortable.

I wouldn't go at all.

YouOldSlag · 15/05/2012 12:49

Hang on a minute, they paid for DH's and DS's flights but not yours? That's a bit rude isn't?

Also, if you have guests who have clearly stated they are not comfortable, then you do something to make them comfortable, you don't ignore their wishes like your ILs are doing.

Thirdly, I would be livid if my DH didn't stay with me and children to help out in the hotel. Tell him to bloody grow a pair. What are his parents going to do? Ground him?

Fourthly- you say "Your house is too cold, we are not used to it, we will stay nearby and visit with you in the day".

Antidote · 15/05/2012 12:52

You could always go & buy a cheapo electric heater for your room / where the baby is sleeping.

Don't make a big deal of it, just use it. If they tut then offer a contribution to the electricity bill.

YouOldSlag · 15/05/2012 13:03

I just think that if guests say they are too cold and you flatly refuse to compromise, then you can't be too surprised when they book a hotel. Not paying for your DIL's air fare when you have paid for your DS's and DGS's is just bloody unwelcoming.

All this "heartbroken" rubbish is emotional blackmail from rude, unwelcoming people.

empirestateofmind · 15/05/2012 13:03

Your DH has to talk to his parents about this. He should explain that you will be staying in a hotel. If they ask why, he can explain. It is then up to them what they do about it.

If the hotel stay will be too expensive, explain you will not be visiting until the weather is warm. Again if his parents ask why, he can explain.

I sympathise OP, though my problem is not in any way as serious as yours. We live abroad and stay at my PIL's house for three weeks each summer. My MIL is lovely but she can't get over how much washing I do for my family (she only does a load every two or three days) and makes lots of remarks. I feel guilty using the washing machine. There is no tumble drier so getting everything dry when the weather is poor is difficult. It always gets me down.

RecursiveMoon · 15/05/2012 13:11

YANBU. I hate going to stay in someone else's house and it being freezing cold! We've bought DS a non-oil filled mini radiator, and we take it away with us if we go away. It was really handy in Center Parcs as the heating seemed programmed to drop really low / turn off during the night.

YouOldSlag · 15/05/2012 15:57

Personally, when I am cold my asthma plays up. Surely the cold can't be good for a baby with brand new delicate lungs?

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 15/05/2012 16:13

Actually, I think YABU to visit them at all.

Tell them "as you know, your house is too cold for us, and we can't afford a hotel, so we're not coming". If they go all "heartbroken" on you, but fail to offer to warm their house up, keep repeating that you'd love to have them visit you.

Of course, if they promise warmth and you decide to go, you'd have to have a backup plan, and you'd have to be sure dh was on your side!

CremeEggThief · 15/05/2012 16:27

YANBU. It seems as if you have tried talking to them until you're blue in the face and they won't budge an inch.

That is their choice, although I wouldn't be surprised if they're actually putting their own health at risk. You can't allow your baby and child to be at risk too.

Nothing makes me more miserable than the cold. I have actually just put my winter duvet back on, after trying to manage with my spring one for a week and waking up cold in the night :(.

AgedDad · 15/05/2012 16:30

YANBU

It might be as well to put it plainly to them: "We cannot and will not stay in your house because it is too cold" .. because if they are anything like my DP's family any gentle hint will bounce off the the thick armour of self righteousness.

empirestateofmind · 15/05/2012 16:35

I agree with Bertha and CremeEgg.

lurkerspeaks · 15/05/2012 16:36

Be honest with them about your reasons for not wanting to come to stay. If they don't agree to heating then either don't go or stay elsewhere.

I too am v. interested in what you consider cold? I'm scottish. Central heating never goes higher than 20 degrees and tbh I often have it cooler. I grew up in a cool house (frugal parents) and my own property is v. hard to get/ keep warm.

DuelingFanjo · 15/05/2012 16:44

YANBU but you seem to say that your DH is aware of the whole situation yet will not stay with you in the hotel?
Will he be standing up for you and your decision?

Hebiegebies · 15/05/2012 16:51

17 does not make your nipples blue so it must be colder than that. 20 is fine, I would think most houses are somewhere between the 2.

Fil wouldn't mend the radiator in the spare bedroom an end room with three outside walls and there was no head board on the bed. I would nick all my DHs pillows to sit up in bed to feed DS. Learnt to BF lying down because of this

wheniwishuponastar · 15/05/2012 16:54

YANBU at all. They sound really horrible. As you can't agree on the temperature it is reasonable for you to want to stay in a hotel. If they are offended, they should consider that you are offended by being ignored about wanting the heat on.

Dropdeadfred · 15/05/2012 16:56

Why are visiting them though??? Why will they not visit you??

ENormaSnob · 15/05/2012 17:05

Yanbu

I definitely wouldn't have a baby sleeping there if its that cold.

KitCat26 · 15/05/2012 17:36

YANBU. I'd stay in a hotel, if thats looking too expensive can't they come and visit you instead? But tell them your reasons or get your DH to (his parents after all).

I hate being cold, so sympathies OP.

FetchezLaVache · 15/05/2012 18:05

And I think they were a bit cunty to throw it back in your faces about paying DH's and DS's air fares (but not yours, which is also quite cunty in itself when you think about it).

dondon33 · 15/05/2012 18:30

There's not a chance I would stay with them again.
I wouldn't be going over to visit neither if I were you, especially not if I couldn't comfortably afford to stay in a Hotel, why should you ? It's not your and DCs fault that they're too tight to heat their home to make their guests comfortable. Like others said invite them to stay with you, although it's possible, from what MIL said to you about raising kids in the cold and the fact they questioned your "money to burn", that you'll get a whole load of other negativity and ignorance from them regarding how you run your own home :(

I keep thinking about if I were in your position with my PIL, they are not poor but like to control the heating they use so not to waste money, they live in Poland, temps in the winter often drop to -30 and I can't imagine that they would subject me and future grand children to that kind of freezing horror....at least I hope not.