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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stay in a hotel rather than with my ILs?

91 replies

TheQueenOfSheba · 15/05/2012 05:12

My PIL live overseas and we plan to visit them just before Christmas to introduce them to their new grandchild. I know it is months away, but I am already getting into a state about it and this is why...

We stayed with them a couple of years ago. Their house is lovely, they are quite comfortable financially and there is plenty of room. The thing is, their house is absolutely bloody freezing and they refuse to put the heating on. They are naturally quite frugal and I think this is why they refuse to use the heating, even when it is very cold. It got so bad when we stayed with them last time, that DH, DS and I would drive to the local shopping centre and wander around for hours just to keep warm.

Every attempt we made to help pay for the heating was met with, "no wonder you're always complaining about money when you want to fritter it away on non-essential heating", or "Dad doesn't like it all hot and stuff. You'll just have to put up with it", or "put another jumper on" [I already had 5 layers of clothes]. We even took them out to dinner and sat them down to explain that the cold was making us miserable, but they just refuse to accept that it is cold enough to the put the heating on. I used to try to get up extra early, just to put the heating on for a bit, but the MIL always caught me and made me turn it off. She'd appear from nowhere. Having a shower was a nightmare, particularly as I have very long, thick hair which takes ages to dry.

We will have a new baby this time, and I do not want to subject her to the cold. MIL always says, "well, I brought up 4 children, and we never had heating and they grew up OK". There is no reasoning with them.

I hate the cold. I would rather go hungry than be cold. I also worry about the children as I'm sure it can't be good for them.

So, the alternative is to stay in a local hotel. I have looked at the prices and they are really high, particularly as it is peak season and they live in a nice-ish area. The hotel will be a real struggle for us to pay for, but we have a few months to save up for it, I guess.

The other thing is, they will be heartbroken that we are not staying with them and I know it will cause huge problems within the family.

Nonetheless, I really do not want to put us through that again, especially with a new baby. DH is a bit of a wimp, so will probably stay with them whatever me and the kids do.

So, AIBU to stay in a hotel? Thanks.

OP posts:

LumpyLatimer · 16/05/2012 12:56

Also, just don't go. Why should you? They can come to you.

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 16/05/2012 13:02

YANBU. I did this when my parents refused to stop smoking in the house. We had to stay in a hotel once and then they changed their stance. Yes they were hurt, but I did explain gently why we were staying in a hotel

CaptainKirk · 16/05/2012 13:39

My mum is overseas and when we last visited her we stayed in a hotel and last time she came her she did the same. We got rid of our spare bed to make sure it wasn't an issue. I love my mum and tolerate her new partner but I'd only stay with her if the rest of the town had burned down...

Original poster

TheQueenOfSheba · 16/05/2012 15:14

I love my mum... but I'd only stay with her if the rest of the town had burned down.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 16/05/2012 16:20

Can I be nosey OP and ask why you ate all going to visit anyway and why they can't come to this country instead?

skybluepearl · 16/05/2012 17:28

I think you need to email them and say you are planning to stay in a hotel as you find their house too cold. See what they say. They might be willing to bend a little and put the heating on given the choice between you staying or not staying.

dondon33 · 16/05/2012 18:23

Or it could go down a completely childish route and they could say well if you won't stay in our home then we won't see you at all. (who knows after the selfishness of not previously making guests comfy)
I'd tell them before you book the hotel Queen.

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 16/05/2012 18:35

surely if you say that the temp has to be at least 18C at all times for the baby they can't argue? Or use that as the excuse for the hotel, you know they don't like it too hot but it has to be for the baby.

nannyl · 16/05/2012 18:38

i ahve the opposite problem

my mum lives in an oven i think, and i melt

thankfully my baby monitor which has a temperature alarm which goes off when too hot (or too cold)... very useful as the alarm going off meant it WAS too hot and heating HAD to go off!

NarkedPuffin · 16/05/2012 18:51

Definitely tell them you're going to stay in a hotel and explain why. It was incredibly rude of them to ignore you when you told them that you were freezing. And, as lots of people have suggested, take a room thermometer for the baby. I'll bet they're shocked by quite how cold it is.

I've suffered winter visits to the ILs when it was so cold in their guest room that I slept in pyjamas, sweaters, dressing gown - brought because I knew how cold they keep it - walking socks and a wooly hat. I had the covers over my head and huddled with DH and I still shivered with the cold. I would never do that with DCs though. They moved eventually and I avoided visiting outside of July and August

Chubfuddler · 16/05/2012 19:20

Eats we have always stayed in a hotel when visiting pils because of the smoking.

Original poster

TheQueenOfSheba · 17/05/2012 03:33

We are going not just to visit them, but also because it is DH's home country and he wants to catch up with his mates, etc. It will also be a nice holiday for us... this time. Last time it was hellish because of the cold.

Thanks for pointing out how rude they were. I guess I had not looked at it like that before. They were rude, weren't they? I wouldn't dream of letting my guests suffer like that. Indeed, they have stayed with us heaps of times and I always did my best to ensure they were comfortable.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 17/05/2012 07:48

Do they have a temperature thingy? Do you know what the temperature was?

Aftereightsaremine · 17/05/2012 08:13

I have this when I visit my dsis her house is always freezing! As soon as I walk in I turn on the heating it's a continual battle between us. Dbil is always pleased when I arrive though as he also hates the cold!
To be fair though it's just that dsis doesn't feel the cold at all & wonders around wearing a tshirt even in winter.

Greenshadow · 17/05/2012 16:24

What a pity they won't compromise. I would be like you - can't stand being cold and definitely wouldn't be able to sleep if freezing.

However, it is their home and maybe you need to think about their comfort too. They would obviously not feel comfy with the heating turned on/up. I have friends who just can't cope with heat and would not be happy if it was too hot.

Think you're right - hotel is the best option.

YouOldSlag · 17/05/2012 19:14

But Greenshadow, the PILs could maybe just heat the guest rooms and keep the rest of their heating off, you know like switching radiators off in rooms that don't get used.

Although having said that, if it was so cold that OP's nipples went blue, then that really does sound abnormally cold!

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