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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a fake reach is just common courtesy?

79 replies

GeorgeCostanza · 14/05/2012 19:56

Namechange appropriate to the subject.

As one of the single male posters on this marvellous forum, I would appreciate the female perspective...

I met a girl on a dating site and after exchanging a few ridiculously shallow e-mails she asked me if i wanted to meet up. She lives about 40 minutes away and had no car, so I drove to her town. We met up, had a coffee, then went to a pub (I wasn't drinking as driving, she was, but I bought the drinks anyway) and we then went to a certain ubiquitous faux upmarket pizza restaurant for a meal. The lack of spark on either side was obvious, but nourishment was necessary considering the arduous drive back, so why not?

After stuffing our faces and having some further scintillating small talk, the time came for the bill. The immaculately dressed waiter plonked it on the table, and I got out my wallet. I put the card down, and she just looked, grinned and said 'Thanks'.

Now, being the man I am I would probably have batted away her advances to go dutch anyway. And it was hardly 'Dinner at Hestons' and wasn't going to leave me destitute, but considering we both knew this wasn't going to end up with his n her's gravestones, was it unreasonable to expect at least a fake reach for her purse?

After all, isn't it part of the game to knock back her offer with a gallant 'Don't be silly?'

Thoughts much appreciated!

OP posts:
Janoschi · 14/05/2012 19:58

YANBU. Stingy bint.

Butwhatdoyoudoallday · 14/05/2012 19:58

YANBU. It is all part of the game, though maybe she had been out on a date with one of my erstwhile suitors - I did the fake reach and he said "thanks". Fortunately it was just a local curry house, but I wasn't impressed.

PoohBearsHole · 14/05/2012 19:59

No, but I still do the fake reach with dh and occasionally he doesn't let it be fake Grin

NunOnTheRun · 14/05/2012 19:59

YANBU to expect a genuine offer to at least split the bill. Imho.

AuntLucyInPeru · 14/05/2012 20:00

On the contrary I would think anything short of actually paying your own way is bloody rude in those circumstances unless

A: you had made it clear the venue was out of your budget before sitting down to eat or

B: you really fancied your companion, intended to progress the romance, and they were adamant (really really after some extended debate) that they wanted to foot the bill this time, in which case you would reciprocate the next time.

BumpingFuglies · 14/05/2012 20:00

Sounds like you're after fake game playing to me, not dating. I would offer in all seriousness, but that's me. If you're after token gestures and games, I'd suggest you're in the wrong, er...game?

Flubba · 14/05/2012 20:00

How rude of her!! More than a fake reach was needed from her, especially as she's the one who instigated the meet-up.

AnyoneforTurps · 14/05/2012 20:01

YANBU: A laydeeee does the fake reach on 1st date, pays for real on 2nd date (unless she's broke, he's loaded & he has taken her to see Heston)

wheremommagone · 14/05/2012 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lardylump · 14/05/2012 20:02

It depends on the situation, if it were obvious there was no chemisty really early on, but then you said 'lets go for a pizza before i drive back' then YABU

If you didnt wanna pay for her you should have left her then gone for a pizza on your own ! Grin

Original poster
GeorgeCostanza · 14/05/2012 20:06

BumpingFuglies - I understand your point - I shouldn't be expecting anything whatsoever, but as Flubba said, she instigated the meetup and it was patently clear that this diversion of an evening would be a one time thing. I'd rather not play games though you're right!

Perhaps not relevant, but she wasn't exactly badly off either.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeorgeCostanza · 14/05/2012 20:07

lardy you're right - but both our stomachs were rumbling so it seemed churlish not too.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2012 20:08

At least she's honest, that could be a good thing. I'm a feminist and actually insisted on paying my way with DH not any more.

Cabrinha · 14/05/2012 20:09

Fake reach worse than expecting you to pay, IMO. At least the former is honest. The correct behaviour is to split it.
If it happens with anyone else, ignore the thanks, and say "if you've got your half in cash, shall I put it on my card? Or is it two cards?".
You need to be blunt with people who take the piss like that.

supernannyisace · 14/05/2012 20:11

YANBU - as I would expect to pay my share of any first date.

But - are you sure she realised that there wasn't going to be a second? if she was drinking, she may have been not as aware of the chemistry or lack thereof?

Glitterkitten24 · 14/05/2012 20:11

YANBU - how rude! I would never 'expect' someone to pay for dinner, especially if you know it's not going anywhere.

Wheezo · 14/05/2012 20:12

YANBU - I prefer to go halves particularly on first dates so I can make up my mind independently of feeling obliged to see them again in order to pay the next time. However if someone is insistent and I was interested in seeing them again I would allow them to pay in order to say, well if there's a next time it's my turn thereby.

fuckwittery · 14/05/2012 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GeorgeCostanza · 14/05/2012 20:13

Assuming you mean the latter is honest Cabrinha, I guess you're right.

MrsTerryPratchett - this sort of thing is a minefield. It's a fine line between deducing genuine insistence and a token fake reach. Get it wrong and then split the bill and it could be curtains.

OP posts:
CallMeAl · 14/05/2012 20:13

fake reach is not a courtesy, its a con. Offer and mean it or don't offer at all (and be a stingy fuck).

catgirl1976 · 14/05/2012 20:14

YANBU

The law of the first date (even if it is clear there will be no second) is:

Woman offers to go halves
Man refuses and pays all of it

Original poster
GeorgeCostanza · 14/05/2012 20:16

supernannyisace - you could be right, what with my animal magnetism only being matched in magnitude by my complete ineptness of being able to read women it's entirely possible she thought this was going to lead to confetti and baby showers.

Who knows?

OP posts:
chipsandmushypeas · 14/05/2012 20:17

Yanbu. I paid half on our first date (we met online) even though he really didn't want me to. I think it's rude not to even offer to when you hardly know someone

LadyRabbit · 14/05/2012 20:17

YANBU, definitely not. However, she may have been out with my ex boyfriend or someone like him, and the lack of fake reach was revenge for that time when he said 'let's go out for dinner' (this is about two months into the soon short lived relationship), and upon arrival of the bill, calculated his half exactly, taking into account that he had one less drink than I did, and rounded the half penny up to a full one.

This was in a slightly posh kebab house.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2012 20:17

It is a minefield. Happily I am blunt very straightforward and DH had no worries.

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