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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this use of baby changing facility was unreasonable?

143 replies

SugarBatty · 14/05/2012 10:36

On saturday I went shopping to m&s. We went to the cafe and my ds pooed so I went to change him. The door to the baby changing was locked. After 5 mins another lady joined the queue. Another 5 mins passed ds was starting to cry. I began to wonder if the room was empty or the lock was broken so I tried the handle it was locked. The lady behind said she had used it before and there were 2 beds in there. After a few more mins she said she would come back later as her dc was only wet. I decided to knock on the door.

A girl opened the door and peaked round, I asked could I come in and change my baby. She let me in and locked the door and said "my friend is breastfeeding" round the corner were the changing beds and a girl sat feeding her baby.

Anyway I changed ds and left and the girl again locked the door after me. There was now two others girls queuing to change their babies!

I understand some people want privacy to feed their baby but blocking a whole baby changing room seemed a bit unreasonable. I also thought the chair was placed very near to the changing bed and can't have been pleasant for feeding your baby anyway! They were both very pleasant to me, the friend offered to stand and watch ds whilst I washed my hands.

OP posts:
Annpan88 · 14/05/2012 13:24

It just sounds like she didn't think. A bit annoying but they let you in. I was very nervous about feeding DS in public and think I did the same without thinking.

IAmBooyhoo · 14/05/2012 13:27

i would wait if it was in use. but not for 10 minutes. in that time i would have either knocked or went somewhere else.

"but locking the door just so you can breastfeed out of sight of the changing tables around a corner? That's just ridiculous. "

not if you are willing to open the door when someone knocks. which she was. she didn't put a sign up saying wait ten minutes before knocking. op chose to wait that long, for whatever reason, but it was her own choice. i would imagine if heyyho had been queuing with her dd who has a sensitive bottom then she would have knocked alot sooner as would also be her own choice to do so.

TheRhubarb · 14/05/2012 13:27

FGS!

Yes most people would wait a little but if you had a baby whose bottom was so sore that not a grain of poo could touch it, then you'd knock almost straight away. After all, what if there had been someone else changing their baby's pooey nappy and doing a full clean up of clothes, hair etc - are they being selfish for making others wait?

If you and your baby are that desperate you would knock and the door would be opened.

All this talk of vetting people - where did that come from? FGS no matter how many explanations are put to you about what might have happened to this lady you are still determined to paint her as a prude/inconsiderate and selfish.

Let me spell this out:

She might have been abused or come from an abusive relationship so didn't feel comfortable feeding around men, hence the locked door and a friend on standby.

She might have had some horrible comments made to her about feeding a tot.

She might have difficulties in feeding hence the friend to help and the locked door.

She might be horribly shy about feeding and wanted the friend there in case someone wanted to come in and change their baby.

She might have been walked in on before which has led to her being paranoid.

There are dozens more. Why else would a woman feed her tot in a dirty and smelly changing room? I'm bloody sure that if she felt she had other options she could have chosen those.

What a horrible, inconsiderate, judgemental and unsympathetic bunch of posters.

IAmBooyhoo · 14/05/2012 13:30

"You shouldn't have to knock and wait to change your babies nappy "

then why are locks fitted to the doors? if the changing table had been occupied you would have had to wait.

"OP was waiting outside for a while before she thought to knock"

exactly, it was up to OP to think sooner about knocking. the woman inside probably didn't realise there was anyone waiting outside as she had no problem letting OP in when she knocked so i doubt she would have ignored someone waiting just because they hadn't knocked had she been aware of their presence.

PineappleBed · 14/05/2012 13:30

It shouldn't have a lock on really if it's for multiple people to use at once, maybe the presence of a lock made them think that was what they were meant to do.

Original poster
SugarBatty · 14/05/2012 13:34

I think I just asked if people thought it was unreasonable. I don't think that makes me horrible, judgemental, inconsiderate or unsympathetic.

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 14/05/2012 13:37

IT HAS TO HAVE A LOCK ON IT FOR CHILD PROTECTION PURPOSES, IT IS THE LAW NOW.

Sugar, I didn't mean you. As far as I am aware, you haven't called the woman those things.

Original poster
SugarBatty · 14/05/2012 13:43

I honestly was in two minds I couldn't decide if I was being a bit annoyed because ds was crying and wriggly and got in a right old mess or if other people thought it was odd. Of course its a non event in the grand scheme of things but aren't most things we discuss on here or in real life?!

OP posts:
DowagersHump · 14/05/2012 13:46

Really Rhubarb? So the massive baby changing/feeding room at JL Oxford Street has a lock on the door? So one person can, if they choose to, lock ALL the other parents out of the room so that they can use it alone? Shock

I'm sorry, I think that's crazy and I don't understand how it's going to protect children if the person inside feels obliged to open the door to every knock. How are you going to feed a baby in peace if you have to get up and open the door every few minutes?

Alisonjayjay · 14/05/2012 13:47

I don't think it was unreasonable of her to use the facility to breastfeed but I don't think she should have locked the door. I used to use the Mother and baby room in Boots when I was shopping and I didn't have anywhere else to feed my baby but I never locked the door! The one in Boots had a rocking chair for feeding and a curtain which pulled round but it also had changing facilities too so if I needed to feed I was aware people may want to come in to change their babies.

TheRhubarb · 14/05/2012 13:49

The lock is optional dowagers, but nowadays it has to be provided.

And that could be why she had her friend in with her, to not only provide support but to open the door if someone needed to get in.

The fact that she not only locked the door but had a friend in there with her makes me think that she actually did have a very good reason for doing that. Whether that be from issues or past experiences we'll never know, but I doubt she was in there because she wanted to be. She obviously felt that it was the safest place for her and her child right then.

DowagersHump · 14/05/2012 13:53

Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Maybe her friend was just out shopping with her? We'll never know :)

But if you have a friend 'guarding' the door anyway, you don't need to lock it surely? If someone is going to come in and attack or steal the baby, a door that gets opened every time someone knocks on it isn't going to provide much protection.

MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2012 13:55

Agree completely with rhubarb

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 13:55

It is not on for someone to lock people out of a public changing facility weather it has a lock or not that isn't what it's for.
What is right for other peoples babies/ children at that time is to change their bums immediately without knocking and waiting - feeding just doesn't trump that.

TheRhubarb · 14/05/2012 14:03

Heyyyho, so if the changing room was full, would those other mothers have to leave immediately?

What if someone locked the door whilst changing their own child, would this also be selfish?

I love the empathy on this thread! People judging about situations they have absolutely no knowledge of! How horrible would you all feel if it turned out that she actually had been in an abusive relationship and needed her friend with her for moral support. Locking the door was her paranoid reaction against any man coming in.

It might not be that, but equally it might. It's a plausible enough reason.

DowagersHump · 14/05/2012 14:16

Whatever her personal circumstances, it's a public facility.

LeBOF · 14/05/2012 14:16

It probably isn't "equally" likely, no. There's a lot of projecting going on here, which isn't the same as empathy at all.

MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2012 14:16

So the child that was being fed comes below the needs of hanging a nappy? Hmm they are equal. First come, first serve.

And how the actual fuck, do these judgemental posters, know what was going on for the child? It needed nursing in a quiet place, whether it's just what it needs, it's I'll, it have SN's frankly doesn't matter. Fact is, baby was there, beings nursed and tough shit really on those having to wait. She did let them in, good for her. I probably wouldn't have.

Oh and I'm guessing that those posting with judgey pants haven't had any issues bfing or didn't bfeed.

MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2012 14:19

Yes dowagers. With a lock. As was being used for its purpose, which was dual.

So if you are using a public loo, are you now going to leave it unlocked as its a public facility? Or are you going to lock it and use it, and people can wait their turn? It is same thing.

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 14:20

It wasn't full though, the door should not be locked in the circs example you give.
Where is the empathy for the parent who had to leave with a baby woth a full nappy? Off to search for snother changing room.She may be suffering in her own way too, exhausted.

From the OP we can deduce she was calm And comfortable and feeding a toddler with a friend checking the door for her, it is selfish to clear a large changing area like she did you have to admit. Not a good enough reason.

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 14:23

"tough shit" for ( example) a baby suffering from painful nappy rash, so you can have a large private space to feed, nice.

DowagersHump · 14/05/2012 14:23

Err yes, Mama, I did bf and I did find it difficult in public at first. So I stayed in. Or fed in changing rooms where I shared the shared facilities with other mothers.

knowitallstrikesagain · 14/05/2012 14:23

It was unreasonable of her to lock the door. If friend was going to open it, she may as well have stood by the door and let people know about the feeding baby on their way in. No need to lock it.

As for locking it to keep a man out, friend would have opened the door to a knock from a man, so door would have been open and they would have been in the same situation as if door had not been locked.

LaMeuf · 14/05/2012 14:28

Why would she have to gave a good reason for feeding in there and locking the door? I used the feeding and changing rooms in m and s when I can't be assed paying for a coffee to feed in a cafe.

Rhubarb for the 'abusive relationship' theory, I really think you are stretching things a bit to fit your own argument. OK the woman might have been in an abusive relationship but it is far more likely that she, or quite possibly her friend, simply locked the door out of thoughtlessness because it was there and they thought that's just
what you did.

In any event, if she was in an abusive relationship and was afraid of men then again, going into the changing rooms would have done the same job without inconveniencing other people. OK the OP could have knocked earlier, but I can understand why she didn't, out of politeness. I wouldn't go banging on the door immediately either, I would assume that the layout had changed or something. A shop near me has a big open plan parent and child toilet/ baby change and feeding station all in one. I wouldn't bang on the door there initially as someone might be peeing just as easily as they might be breastfeeding.

My local JL doesn't have a lock on the feeding/ changing room door. It has a push button opening system, to make it easier to get in with prams. It isn't 'the law' around here, but I'm not in England.

TheRhubarb · 14/05/2012 14:29

It had a lock.
She was entitled to use it so she did.
I would have done the same when I was first breastfeeding.

I was not selfish but embarrassed and anxious. I didn't want to feed in front of strangers so I would lock the door and pray that no-one needed to come in. If they did, I would have to open the door (which I did) and I did actually put up with some funny looks from people which made me feel even worse and more self-conscious.

This woman was not breaking some kind of law. She was using the changing and feeding rooms as they ought to be used. She wasn't in there having a shit herself or trying on clothes. If she had refused to open the door when people knocked, then you would have a point. But she didn't.

I'm wasting my energies here now.

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