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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this use of baby changing facility was unreasonable?

143 replies

SugarBatty · 14/05/2012 10:36

On saturday I went shopping to m&s. We went to the cafe and my ds pooed so I went to change him. The door to the baby changing was locked. After 5 mins another lady joined the queue. Another 5 mins passed ds was starting to cry. I began to wonder if the room was empty or the lock was broken so I tried the handle it was locked. The lady behind said she had used it before and there were 2 beds in there. After a few more mins she said she would come back later as her dc was only wet. I decided to knock on the door.

A girl opened the door and peaked round, I asked could I come in and change my baby. She let me in and locked the door and said "my friend is breastfeeding" round the corner were the changing beds and a girl sat feeding her baby.

Anyway I changed ds and left and the girl again locked the door after me. There was now two others girls queuing to change their babies!

I understand some people want privacy to feed their baby but blocking a whole baby changing room seemed a bit unreasonable. I also thought the chair was placed very near to the changing bed and can't have been pleasant for feeding your baby anyway! They were both very pleasant to me, the friend offered to stand and watch ds whilst I washed my hands.

OP posts:

TheRhubarb · 14/05/2012 12:04

Some of you get annoyed very easily. God help you if something really annoying ever happens, like someone using the baby changing room for a shit because they don't like shitting in public loos when there's a queue!

The room is there for changing AND feeding.
It has a lock on the door for privacy. It has to now I think, it's the law, something about the protection of children.

Let's face it, anyone could walk in. A bloke who decided to check if there was a toilet because there was a queue for the mens for instance.
If I was in there, changing or feeding, I'd lock the door.

The OP knocked, the door was opened and she went in to change her child.

This is such a non-event and yet it's caused such a stink about where is appopriate to feed your child and if you want to feed in private, you are obviously being "precious". Oh please. Grow up.

ImBetterThanYou · 14/05/2012 12:05

I don't really understand the point in having locks on changing/feeding room doors if it is so unacceptable?

IAmBooyhoo · 14/05/2012 12:06

she would have been depriving someone of using the feeding chair whether she had locked the door or not as she was feeding and that is what the chair is intended for

and she didn't deprive anyone of changing their baby. she opened the door as soon as it was knocked.

Original poster

SugarBatty · 14/05/2012 12:06

Well I came on here because I wasn't sure if its a normal thing to do and it only bothered me cos ds had pooed and leaked and was getting upset and I was all hot and bothered. Or if other people found it unreasonable and a bit odd. The conclusion is pretty mixed. I definitely think separate areas just for feeding would be best all round. The whole room didn't smell very nice as the nappy bins were full and it was so hot. Not an ideal place to feed any child.

OP posts:

Figgygal · 14/05/2012 12:11

Preparing to be flamed but Sorry i do find it odd and selfish maybe she was shy about bf but maybe her and her mate were just inconsiderate. Guess we will never know but as she inconvenienced at least 4 other people i think shyness or not she was taking the piss.

5madthings · 14/05/2012 12:12

so someone was in the feeding/changing room feeding their baby and they had locked the door for privacy, which is what the lock is there for.

once you knocked and she was aware you needed to come in, she let you in and you even say in your op they were polite and friendly and helpful, yet you are still moaning?!

you chose to wait that long before knocking, you could have knocked straight away or within a minute or two.

sorry but i dont see the issue, once aware you were waiting she let you in and was polite and friendly, some people are happy to bfeed anywhere, othesr arent, there were times i needed to use a quiet room to bfeed a distractable tired baby and had there been a lock i would have used it and would have let in someone who knocked.

its just a non issue, the lock was there, she used it but let you in when you asked and was polite and friendly to you, what is there to be annoyed at?!!

choceyes · 14/05/2012 12:13

If a bloke came in looking for a toilet I wouldn't be phased at all even if I was feeding. Ok, if it was a new baby then yes I totally get why some mothers would want some privacy. I myself fed in private the first time I was out with my DD, having locked the door (mainly to stop my 22 month old DS running out ). But feeding a toddler? I don't know. I just think that locking up the changing room and preventing others from accessing it is a bit weird when you can feed a toddler anywhere and during the day most toddlers generally aren't really reliant on BFing anyway like a new baby is.

TheRhubarb · 14/05/2012 12:13

And I'm sure SugarBatty that the mother would rather have fed her child somewhere else. The fact is, you don't know why she was in there with the door locked and a friend helping her. You have no idea of her history. Perhaps she has issues with abuse, perhaps she's had nasty comments about feeding an older child in public? I'm sure if she felt able, she would have sat in the cafe and fed there. There is obviously a bloody good reason why she didn't.

You knocked and it was alright in the end. So in future, just knock and don't judge because you really don't know what's going on.

choceyes · 14/05/2012 12:16

If I was trying to feed a tired, distractable baby or toddler, the last thing I would need is to have to keep getting up to unlock the door to let people in. How will that help?? I would be always thinking, someone will be knocking on that door in a minute, I 'd better finish quick and start getting quite stressed out. And I'd have to carry baby over while they are latched on and try to open the lock with a free hand. Sorry I just can't imagine that scenario!

IAmBooyhoo · 14/05/2012 12:19

"I myself fed in private the first time "

i read this as "i fed myself in private the first time" was getting an image of an adult being too self conscious to eat infront of others so atking yourself off to a changing room!

FredFredGeorge · 14/05/2012 12:20

Why does the changing room have a lock on it at all?

IAmBooyhoo · 14/05/2012 12:21

she had her friend with her to open the door so getting up wasn't an issue.

choceyes · 14/05/2012 12:22

I do get your point though TheRhubard. Maybe this lady did have good reason to do this.

But some people are just prudish. My friend BF both her DCs into toddlerhood and yet never BF in public. She doesnt' have any other issue than prudishness from what I gather. She just don't like BFing in public. And that is fine. She didn't leave her house for the first few months of her DCs lives, and even after that only in 2 hour slots so she could go back to her flat to BF. And that is all fine. But to inconvinience others she didn't do.

TheRhubarb · 14/05/2012 12:33

How do you know your friend was prudish?

I wouldn't breastfeed my first in front of my own family because of my upbringing. It took me a long time, not just to get to grips with breastfeeding but to overcome my own hang-ups.

I would retreat to our room if we had visitors. When out in public I would need to use either the toilets or a changing room. It wasn't nice, but I was so painfully embarrassed about showing the slightest bit of flesh, even if they couldn't see anything I was convinced they could just tell. I'd be in tears if I thought I had to feed in front of anyone other than my dh.

So it's not always a case of prudishness, it's often much more complicated but because we are human, we like to judge and have an opinion on what we think the real reasons are.

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 12:40

She wasn't some fragile new mum struggling to get to grips with feeding FGS talk about projection! She was feeding a toddler - frankly she needs to get over herself and stop locking doors vetting people before they change their babies sore bottoms.

choceyes · 14/05/2012 12:41

My friend is very similar to you TheRhubard. She too didn't BF in front of her family, only her DH. I think it was her upbringing too. I don't know whether that means she is prudish or not, I genuinely don't know. I just think that it is her issue and she shouldn't inconvinience others because of it (ofcourse she didn't but I'm talking about the lady in the OP). If it was an issue because of people's nasty comments or an abuse issue, then totally she would be justified in wanting to lock that door and feeding in private. I'm just saying that feeling uncomfortable in feeding in public when nursing a toddler, not even a new baby is not a good enough reason to lock the door to a communal changing room IME.

TheRhubarb · 14/05/2012 12:46

We don't know WHY, that's the issue.

Yes we are projecting things onto this poor woman who might have a bloody good reason why she was breastfeeding her tot in the changing rooms. Yet instead of giving her the benefit of doubt, there are posters only too happy to jump on her and give her a bashing. Despite the fact that the room had a lock that she was perfectly entitled to use. Despite the fact that the room was dual purpose, for feeding and changing. Despite the fact that she opened the door to the OP when she knocked and despite the fact that she was polite and friendly to the OP.

It makes me bloody despair!

And no choceyes, that is not being prudish. That is a grown woman struggling to overcome her inner demons and being very brave in choosing to breastfeed right up until they were tots despite her upbringing.

You seem to think that she should remain indoors in case she ventures out and inconveniences anyone? If we all had a little patience and understanding then there wouldn't be an issue, but now you'll have new mums and other mums with perfectly viable reasons to feed in public, being too afraid to use the changing rooms in case they upset those mums with dirty nappies to change.

Well there is always someone who is going to get upset no matter what you do, so stuff it and do what feels right and comfortable for you and your child.

IAmBooyhoo · 14/05/2012 12:58

heyyho how do you know she isn't fragile? is fragility reserved for new mums? at what point is it unacceptable to be fragile? you sound void of empathy and quite intolerant.

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 13:04

If only you knew me Iam I have a lot of compassion actually. For those who need it.
From the OP how have you come to the conclusion that she was fragile? She had a supportive friend, the confidence to lock a public door and vet it depended on who she and her friend saw fit to come in.

Where is your compassion for those whose babies have severe nappy rash and can't have a drop of poo left on a raw bottom? Because that was dd and I would not have appreciated having to explain that to anyone locking me out of public facilities.

bobbledunk · 14/05/2012 13:04

yanbu, it would be understandable for mother of a newborn who's still getting the hang of breastfeeding but absolutely no excuse for doing that with a toddler. If she is so prudish she could always express or give the toddler something else to drink until they got home. Incredibly selfish of her to keep out mothers who need to change their babies, shitty nappies are very uncomfortable for them and they can run which causes a huge mess.

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 13:10

Severe nappy rash can also become infected and cause major irritation and discomfort. Empathy has to work both ways and feeding a toddler doesn't take precedence over " all"

IAmBooyhoo · 14/05/2012 13:11

did i say she was fragile?

you are the one stating that she wasn't fragile. i was asking how you knew that. i did not state that she was.

"Because that was dd and I would not have appreciated having to explain that to anyone locking me out of public facilities."

op didn't have to explain anything to this woman. she knocked the door and was let in. if OP had knocked sooner, she would have been in sooner and no discomfort for her baby would have been caused but she chose to stand for 10 minutes instead.

Original poster

SugarBatty · 14/05/2012 13:19

I waited ten minutes as I assumed the changing table was being used. I didn't want to knock too soon in case someone was struggling to change a a child and have mess to clean up. When I found out there was 2 beds I knocked to tru find out if one was free. When I realised that there was only one child and parent using the room I didn't really understand the locking the door thing.

I'm sure most people would wait a little while before knocking? I had tried the handle before knocking in case it just looked locked.

OP posts:

LaMeuf · 14/05/2012 13:22

I think the fact the OP chose to wait rather than hammering on the door immediately shows she was being understanding actually.

I can imagine legitimate reasons to lock the door - eg changing an older child or something or indeed to stop an older child running away while you feed a younger sibling but locking the door just so you can breastfeed out of sight of the changing tables around a corner? That's just ridiculous.

If the woman was so worried about anyone catching a glimpse of her feeding her toddler then she could have waited until she got home. Toddlers don't need to be breastfed every couple of hours. Poo on the other hand burns little bottoms quite quickly

Heyyyho · 14/05/2012 13:23

Missing the point.
How do you know she was feeling any of the things you inferred about her in your posts? We take the scenario in the OP and deduce some possibilites dont we? There was obviously a reason why she locked the door- fragile, shy, uncomfotable - likely, who knows?

The point is she is unreasonable in doing this whatever the reason. You shouldn't have to knock and wait to change your babies nappy the OP was waiting outside for a while before she thought to knock the other person walked away. It's not considerate and quite unecessary and can cause another baby a lot of discomfort and distress.

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