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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think people who say that they wouldn't have children if they couldn't afford to educate them privately are ...

307 replies

seeker · 13/05/2012 16:35

.....bonkers?

And before anyone says that nobody has ever said that, there have been plenty of threads on here with people saying they stopped at one, or advising people not to have a 3rd because they can't afford private school for more. So presumably they wouldn't have had any if they could not send them to private school.

OP posts:
DPrince · 13/05/2012 17:10

Why is it very sad? If there are people who don't have any for this reason. That's their decision and not one taken lightly. Its their decision and I sure they don't need any pity.

GrahamTribe · 13/05/2012 17:12

"If you can clothe and feed and look after a child, surely that's all you need"

No, mine need a decent education too.

Heyyyho · 13/05/2012 17:13

I am one of those bonkers people I suppose. We can't afford to move to another area with better schools, I stopped at one for this and a few other reasons. It was important to us and a very considered decision.

I find it bonkers when people on here write they have 3 dc in a 2 bed flat , no money and want to try for another but that is their decision after all. Only they and their dc live with the consequences I suppose.

AngiBolen · 13/05/2012 17:13

Different people have different standards.

I don't have more children than I do because they would have to share rooms and I wouldn't be able to afford so many extra curricula activities.

Some people probably think I'm bonkers.

I think lots of people are bonkers.

nkf · 13/05/2012 17:14

It's their business though isn't it? And, no, I wouldn't say bonkers. Different to me but not bonkers.

Jinsei · 13/05/2012 17:17

Why is it very sad? If there are people who don't have any for this reason. That's their decision and not one taken lightly. Its their decision and I sure they don't need any pity.

But I do pity them. If people don't want kids, that's fair enough. But if people who do want kids decide not to have any due to ignorance and irrational fear about the state education sector, I think that is quite sad. My own life would feel incomplete without my daughter, and I'm sorry that people might deny themselves the experience of parenthood for such a non-reason.

Of course it's their choice, and I respect that. But I pity them nonetheless.

DPrince · 13/05/2012 17:17

What is a valid reason to not have anymore? Should eveyone keep having kids until they are stretched to their financial limits. Should no one be allowed a lifestyle they want for their family?

greenplastictrees · 13/05/2012 17:18

Would not have any children because of it I find a bit bonkers however not wanting To have more I don't. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to stop at a number of children which means you and your fAmily have the lives you want to have. Different people have different things they want from lives be that certain holidays, day trips, private education, a cleaner, eating out once a week, buying a new car every year whatever. Life is a matter of compromises - some will compromise a comfortable lifestyle for more children and some vice versa. Neither is wrong in my opinion.

scottishmummy · 13/05/2012 17:18

no dont agree.at all
if people want a singleton and a certain standard of life thats fair enough
as women we are not compelled to breed and have loads. you know with contraception women can (and should) chose number of children they have

and we all consider money and lifestyle on some level when planning a familial
which is why most 1stime mum average age is 30yo. generally waiting to be financial stable is a big deal when considering parenthood

i waited til 30's and solvent and with stability. and yes lifestyle is a factor
i dont want to be a mummy martyr eking out an existence,getting by.

if schooling etc is something you need to pay for,then yes you need to factor that in when planning family size so you can meet fees. so yes if you an only afford to privately educate 3 then one would need to manage family size

vincettenoir · 13/05/2012 17:19

Ybu.

Jinsei · 13/05/2012 17:20

I have already said, I'm not talking about people who limit the number of children they have. I'm the parent of an only child FFS! I'm talking about people who choose not to have any kids at all.

NarkedPuffin · 13/05/2012 17:22

So you think it's 'bonkers' to only have children you can afford?

GrahamTribe · 13/05/2012 17:22

"But if people who do want kids decide not to have any due to ignorance and irrational fear about the state education sector, I think that is quite sad"

Hmm What about those who are far from ignorant of the state sector, those who've tried it and found it lacking? Are they to be pitied for their personal decisions too?

DPrince · 13/05/2012 17:23

But your talking about kids that don't exist. not everybody needs kids. I think its a tad superior to think having kids is the only way to have a full life. Its not about not knowing the system. Some people would always prefer private school despite the schools in the area. Dd goes to one of the best state schools in the country. But there are 3 private schools in the area and people fight to get in. DDS school has 2 places in her class (year 3). Some people prefer private. That's up to them.

Noqontrol · 13/05/2012 17:27

What people? Are they on this thread? I've heard of people stopping at a certain number due to costs, I'm one of them. Partly because of the school fees but mainly because I don't want any more.
I've heard of people not having children because they don't want any children. But have never seen anyone say they would have no children because they can't afford the school fees.

Plus I'm not ignorant and afraid of state education. I know my local school is shite, hence private school.

NarkedPuffin · 13/05/2012 17:28

And you live in a one bed flat do you Seeker? With you all sleeping on a mattress on the floor? Because you don't actually need separate beds or bedrooms. And you each have two sets of Primark clothes - one for when the others are being washed - because you don't need more than that. And you all eat gruel, because it provides enough nutrients to sustain human life, so why spend more?

GrahamTribe · 13/05/2012 17:34

Out of interest, seeker, are there any circumstances under which you'd independently educate your DC?

scottishmummy · 13/05/2012 17:42

its responsible to have children you can provide for

Original poster
seeker · 13/05/2012 19:17

Of course be responsible for the children you have. But the though of not having a child because you couldn't educate it privately jut blows my mind.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 13/05/2012 19:23

'I have already said, I'm not talking about people who limit the number of children they have. I'm the parent of an only child FFS! I'm talking about people who choose not to have any kids at all.'

But do you actually know anyone who has chosen not to have children because they can't afford private school or is this situation hypothetical? Even if that's the reason they give you it might not be the whole reason anyway, after all it's a pretty sensitive question to ask when someone might have fertility problems or simply feel that their reasons for not having children are none of your business.

wordfactory · 13/05/2012 19:24

I think it is perfectly reasonable, indeed responsible, for adults to limit the number of children they have in order to bale to afford to give them the things they deem valuable. It is up to them, and no one else to decide what that might include.

seeker I think it is highly distatsetful for you to roll your eyes about people who make decisions aboiut what they want to giev their DC when you don't have to make any such choices. You are clearly very comfortable and your DC clearly get endless advantages which all cost a lot of money.

Try to use a weeny bit of empathy for heavens sake.

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 13/05/2012 19:28

What maagarita said. Totally agree.

hermioneweasley · 13/05/2012 19:30

I think it was JFK who said something like the best thing you could do for your children was to leave well educated children. Unfortunately in some areas this is not possible via the state system.

Original poster
seeker · 13/05/2012 19:33

I'm not rolling my eyes. I just don't understand. I can't have empathy for a position that I cannot begin to contemplate

And you have no idea what my circumstances are.

And yes, my children have loads of advantages- I have never pretended they don't. My daughter has a pony, for example. But it would never, ever have crossed my mind to think "oh, I won't be able to afford to keep a pony, so I won't have children"

I would most definitely have though "I can't afford to feed or clothe my child, so I won't have one" Or "I have so little money that we are living an unhappy life- so I won't have more children"

OP posts:
DPrince · 13/05/2012 19:37

You don't have to have empathy. But labelling them 'bonkers' is out of order imo. Your child has a pony, I think you should sell it and have another baby. Doesn't matter what you want for you dcs. You should have more. Do you see where I am going?

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