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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i feel angry with DD (2.11) (and myself) for potty training failures

82 replies

MistyRocks · 10/05/2012 21:47

she is 3 at the end of the month. she is very articulate, speaks and understands very well, she is well behaved, can hold full conversations, she can pull her trousers up and down and take her nappies off. she also knows when she is weeing or pooing and has done for at least a year. so she generally seems very ready and able for potty training.

she is obsessed with nappies, she LOVES them. she baulks at any idea of using the toilet or potty but she has had proper pants for months which she wears over her nappies.

i first tried her about 6 months ago but failed miserably. but this morning i just thought, sod it, lets just go for it. and i said to her "DD you are going to just wear your pants today, no nappy". and to my amazement she seemed happy with this. i told her if she needed a wee or a poo to use the potty. i was very casual about it, didn;t want to put her under pressure, but said she could have a chocolate button if she did something on the potty.

well she was dry for about an hour and a half. i sat her on the potty a few times but nothing. she then stood there and wee'd herself. while announcing, i am weeing mummy. she KNEW she needed to go. so why could she not do it on the potty ffs. and then she kept demanding a chocolate button "because i wee'd mummy" and then threw a huge tantrum when i explained it was meant to be on the potty and didn't let her have one.

and now i feel i have failed because once i had cleaned her up i just put a pull up back on her :( and i feel angry with her and i know i shouldn't.

i have an older DC too and he trained quickly and easily at around 2.6. i did it ALL myself and he was dead easy. and fucking mil and my mum keep going on about how she "should be using the toilet now" I KNOW THAT FFS

OP posts:

Original poster

MistyRocks · 10/05/2012 21:47

and its always the fucking mother who has to deal with it never the dad

OP posts:

BigBoPeep · 10/05/2012 21:57

er, I'm sure someone way more qualified than me will come along soon (my first is 5wks! I was gunna do elimination communication with her but given she craps approx. every 5mins I'd've spent my life hanging over a potty by now!) but I just wanted to say that maybe the day wasnt a total loss?

she didnt get it (intentionally or perhaps not) and as a result, didnt get the button she wanted. OK so there may have been a tantrum, but can you now try again tomorrow and remind her what happened today? Maybe try getting her to stay dry for a few hours during the day, then she gets a button and her beloved nappy back on, and gradually stretch out the time she spends nappyless?

or give her a doll to put nappies on rather than having them on herself? take her to buy little nappies for it etc?

Harleyband · 10/05/2012 22:01

She's just not quite ready yet. Ignore MIL and mum. Just tell them you're working on it if they insist (according to my mum we were all trained and dry through the night at 18 months and why weren't my DC the same?). My DS did this for a while then suddenly at 3.5 he got it and hasn't looked back. Is she in nursery or around other kids who're training? Sometimes that helps. Could try enlisting older DC's help? Don't worry, though. She'll not be going off to secondary in nappies. Give her, and yourself, a break after today's "failure". Maybe try again on a nice day when she can run around the garden naked and it won't matter if she wees.

McHappyPants2012 · 10/05/2012 22:02

no advice, but my DD is the same age ( birthday mid june) and it is so frustrating, had he nursery letter acceptance, but she need to be toilet trained so the pressure is on ( until i was told today i can put her in a private nursey for 15 hours a week)

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 10/05/2012 22:02

No advice sorry...

I have DS who is now 3.1 and still not potty trained. Also bright and articulate. Also seems to understand when he is weeing and pooing and I think also when he needs to wee and poo.

Has had sporadic moments when he has weed on the potty spontaneously and I have thought eureka, he's cracked it! However then he reverts to being disinterested and peeing on the floor/asking for nappies...

So watching thread with interest. Perhaps someone will come along with some advice soon. In the meantime I empathise completely OP and understand how at your wits end you feel

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 10/05/2012 22:06

My DS1 was exactly the same, then all of a sudden, aged 2.11 he just 'got it' I don't know why, but one day he announced to me that he was going to wear big boy pants and use the potty. He has had probably 5 accidents since then. (He is now 7.8).
I'm not sure that I have any advice, as I genuinely have no idea why he suddenly was happy to use the potty. Just keep trying, although I wouldn't have put a nappy back on her after her accident today, (Also not sure about pull-ups, my HV told me they can hinder rather than help)
And I'd tell your Mum and MIL to shove off unless they can offer practical advice! :) Good luck!

bibbitybobbitybunny · 10/05/2012 22:07

I'm afraid you are going to have to be a bit more patient than thinking you have failed after an hour and a half. And it will not work if you put her back in a nappy after her first accident.

MooBaaWoofCheep · 10/05/2012 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chunkamatic · 10/05/2012 22:13

I know it is frustrating but I really dont think you gave her a chance today, how did you react when she wet herself? You really do need to try not to get annoyed with her (I know that it is so easier said than done!)

If you want to train her and think she is ready then set aside a day or two when you can be mostly at home and her have nothing on so that she is reliably using the potty for wees at least before you go for wearing pants. I think no matter how good their control is, if they are used to being in nappies then having anything on the bottom half at first is confusing.

Start again afresh. She is still reasonably young by standards today (my DS1 was trained after his 3rd birthday) so please dont put pressure on her just because your DS was easier or because your MIL has something unhelpful to say.

tricot39 · 10/05/2012 22:13

In a couple of months this will be sorted. Ds (3.4) resisted all my attempts. It was getting embarrassing but he had not decided to do it. We decided to do it over easter. The start was abysmal but dp were staying and he did so much better for them. Now he is fab. Can you get mil to help? If nothing else she might stop crowing if she fails or better it will work while you get a break! I reckon it is like learning to drive - more easily taught by someone not a close family member.
Good luck

ReallyTired · 10/05/2012 22:13

I think that putting the knickers over the nappy is a mistake and is confusing her. I think it would be best if you let her wear nappies and take a step back from potty training for a month or two. Don't let her wear knickers over the nappy. Wanting to wear knickers is often a good moviation for potty training

If you want to potty train her you need consistancy and only use nappies for sleep times. There will be accidents and that is part of the learning process. If you are serious about potty training her then you must not put a nappy on her however many accidents she has. Its really important to remain upbeat and positive even if she has lots of accidents to begin with.

Potty training is usually fairly quick once a child is ready.

tricot39 · 10/05/2012 22:14

Dp - darling parents ie grandparents!

whackamole · 10/05/2012 22:14

I have twins, they were potty trained 2 weeks after their 3rd birthday. We had tried a couple of times before, but my reasoning was, however ready they might seem, if they can't either articulate they need the potty, or make it on time, then they are not getting the signals and are not ready.

Don't kill yourself trying, just leave it a bit and try again in a couple of weeks. I doubt there's many children traumatised by not being potty trained before 3!

QuiteTrash · 10/05/2012 22:16

My boy did this. Same age. I waited until he was 3.5 and he did it all by himself like he'd done it 100 times before.

I hear you about the Dad thing. My DP had no input. Told his friends one day he was in nappies, the next he was in pants - easy! EASY?! I was trying to write my dissertation and do all my finals whilst cleaning up wee, EASY?

Chunkamatic · 10/05/2012 22:16

McHappypants nurseries are not allowed not to accept children if they are not potty trained, so I would double check that.

Chunkamatic · 10/05/2012 22:16

McHappypants nurseries are not allowed not to accept children if they are not potty trained, so I would double check that.

Jenny70 · 10/05/2012 22:17

There are stages to toilet training readiness.

Firstly an awareness you've been
Secondly an awareness that you're about to go (ie. that it is pretty much happening right now)
Thirdly a prediction that you need to go
And lastly the ability to actually hold it long enough to get to a toilet - ideally when out and about and toilets are not a few steps away.

Sounds like she's progressed through the first two, possibly even 3 - but the holding it to get to the toilet isn't there.

Either persist and she will get it, and you'll have 1-2 weeks of being chained to accident cleanups and toilet hovering. Or wait another month (until we get some warmish weather) and try her again.

All of mine didn't train until well after they were 3 (ie. close to 4), but they were positively anti-toilets and when they suddenly changed to being accepting, they never had an accident at home, and few when out.

whackamole · 10/05/2012 22:17

And BTW, they were pretty much accident-free in a day, as they could run off to the potty as and when they needed it. Still the odd accident, but very very few.

Still not quite there with the poos though!

bibbitybobbitybunny · 10/05/2012 22:17

Crikey! Have some of you actually read the op?

She got annoyed after an hour and a half. She put her dd back in a nappy after one accident!

Potty training does take a bit of effort on the parents' behalf! Do not leave it all up until your precious "is ready". Take control and be prepared to do a bit of training.

fluffypillow · 10/05/2012 22:18

I found with my children that the only way was to just go for it 100%. No nappies, no pull ups...............throw them out, and just use pants.

After a few 'accidents' mine soon realised that it felt pretty uncomfortabe to be in wet clothes, and seemed to get the message, and start asking for the toilet. I hate potties though! Always just used those little seats on the big toilet. Good luck.

CutItOutAndRestart · 10/05/2012 22:18

ignore anyone saying they should be trained by now. Every child is different and what works with one may not work with the other.

we are going through this with ds at the moment. He is 3 at the end of the month and in and out of pants and pull ups. It has been months but I realised a while ago he just isn't there yet despite all my bribes

since we have relaxed he has started to actually ask to go to the potty :)

ErikNorseman · 10/05/2012 22:18

You tried for one morning, got frustrated and gave up. Sorry, but what are you expecting from potty training?
My advice? Ditch the pull ups. Keep them for nights but never during the day. Put the potty somewhere accessible and keep it there all day. Ask her often if she wants to sit on it. Do not get cross with her when she doesn't get it. Plenty of changes of clothes. Buy lots of pants. And relax! Every child does what she did today! None of them get it straight away!

Rowgtfc72 · 10/05/2012 22:18

Dd also articulate and understood what was being asked didnt "get" it till two and a half. We had two failed attempts resulting in me launching the luckily empty potty across the room. One day it just clicked. Overnight she started using the toilet and no more nappies(not dry at night till practically five though). It is frustrating but theyre not ready till theyre ready.

McHappyPants2012 · 10/05/2012 22:19

MooBaaWoofCheep really as i was asked on the application form and it was in bold with the acceptance letter

Meglet · 10/05/2012 22:20

I tried and failed potty training mine at that age, I stuck then back in pull-ups pretty damn fast when it didn't go very well. I daresay we could have possibly done it if I could have been bothered and stayed at home focussed on nothing else for a few days, but it really wasn't worth it or possible.

In the end they were both done when they were about 3.3 (over xmas hols as we didn't have to be anywhere). Still took a couple of days to get going and a few weeks to perfect it but they were ready by that point and it was less stressful.

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