i feel angry with DD (2.11) (and myself) for potty training failures

[MistyRocks]

she is 3 at the end of the month. she is very articulate, speaks and understands very well, she is well behaved, can hold full conversations, she can pull her trousers up and down and take her nappies off. she also knows when she is weeing or pooing and has done for at least a year. so she generally seems very ready and able for potty training.

she is obsessed with nappies, she LOVES them. she baulks at any idea of using the toilet or potty but she has had proper pants for months which she wears over her nappies.

i first tried her about 6 months ago but failed miserably. but this morning i just thought, sod it, lets just go for it. and i said to her "DD you are going to just wear your pants today, no nappy". and to my amazement she seemed happy with this. i told her if she needed a wee or a poo to use the potty. i was very casual about it, didn;t want to put her under pressure, but said she could have a chocolate button if she did something on the potty.

well she was dry for about an hour and a half. i sat her on the potty a few times but nothing. she then stood there and wee'd herself. while announcing, i am weeing mummy. she KNEW she needed to go. so why could she not do it on the potty ffs. and then she kept demanding a chocolate button "because i wee'd mummy" and then threw a huge tantrum when i explained it was meant to be on the potty and didn't let her have one.

and now i feel i have failed because once i had cleaned her up i just put a pull up back on her :( and i feel angry with her and i know i shouldn't.

i have an older DC too and he trained quickly and easily at around 2.6. i did it ALL myself and he was dead easy. and fucking mil and my mum keep going on about how she "should be using the toilet now" I KNOW THAT FFS

ignore anyone saying they should be trained by now. Every child is different and what works with one may not work with the other.

we are going through this with ds at the moment. He is 3 at the end of the month and in and out of pants and pull ups. It has been months but I realised a while ago he just isn't there yet despite all my bribes

since we have relaxed he has started to actually ask to go to the potty :)

Bibbity - yes, after one accident I agree is probably expecting a bit much too soon. But by the same token, it's annoying having reams of wet pants to wash when you know they get the concept of peeing on the potty/toilet but aren't quite their physically.

What do you advocate? Putting them on the potty every 15 minutes until they produce a trickle? Sometimes this is just not possible.

Agree with whakamole. If she is not ready, she's not ready. Though I do understand the frustration! Different children are ready at different ages even within the same family. DD1 was toilet trained at 2, I did wonder if DS & DD2 were both going to leave home with a packet of nappies under their arms! In the end they were both toilet trained at around 3.10.

YABtotallyU I'm afraid. You didn't even talk about it with her to prepare her? She never stood a chance did she? Really, just talk to her over the next couple of days, explain what you want, what she needs to do, to recognise etc. Explain the reward system, and be prepared for lots of accidents. It may take weeks if not months, not hours for goodness sake!

Trust me, they get it when then get it, there's little point in getting frustrated though I completely understand. My dd was trained fully (no lie!) by 18 months. It was ridiculously easy. My ds is 4 next month and has only just reliably started to keep his pants dry every day. I was worrying so much about him starting school in September in case he still wasn't trained. In the end, it was the most unexpected thing that helped him. He seems to be very shy about actually going to the loo, doesn't like a lot of fuss made, including I think how frustrated I must have seemed even though I tried not to show it. So we put a potty in his room, put his toilet seat and step where he could get them in the bathroom and just left him to it. Results in no time. He has a little foldable toilet seat (a fiver from Wilkinsons) that we take when we go out because he likes the familiarity of it, and it's worked. Ds2 came along 5 weeks ago and I was expecting a big regression but thankfully it's not happened. 2.11 is still young yet to be worrying. Even wih dd, the older members of my family were making a fuss that she should have been trained earlier so ignore them.

in our nursery class if they have an accident you are called and you have to come in and change them...despite being at work 3 miles away.

So although they are not allowed to refuse access to children who haven't been completely trained, in practice they make life pretty miserable for parents who are still struggling with this.

My DS is 2.8 and will start in his nursery class just after his third birthday. I am potty training him now but I am already dreading the fuss they will make over this.

ONE DAY. no back to it tomorrow. no nappy on , just big girl pants. i think pull ups are confusing. get plenty of bacterial spray and kitchen roll. ask her every hour if necessary. lots of praise etc.
don't get this ready when they are ready stuff. she is ready just needs some training and encouragement

Treefumaster - can you find a better nursery? If that's the way they treat children I wouldn't put my child in there.

DS1 is a couple of months later and I have been tearing my hair out over potty training. He is also bright, articulate and perfectly well aware of what is being asked of him.

Unfortunately it has become his "thing" and he is quite clearly (and by his own admission) doing it on purpose.

I recently went against everything I have ever been told about potty-training and when he was quite clearly about to do a poo but standing there going "Noooooo" and grinning when I asked him about it, I lost my temper and shouted "If you do that in your pants when I have just asked you I will be really cross!" He looked at me contemplatively, took himself off to the potty, pooed, pulled his pants back up and wandered casually back in. This was a few days ago and we have had a steady increase in potty-use and today just started going himself and I think we actually have spontaneous potty-training in progress.

I'm not suggesting that you start shouting by the way! Just saying that there may well be something you need to get past and then she will be away. With DS it was ditching the "oh dear, mummy really, really would like it if you did it" approach and letting him know that I knew exactly what he was up to!

YABU but you know that. She's not ready. It doesn't matter how articulate she is, she needs to be ready and please don't be angry with her, it's not her fault (nor is it yours). As a nursery nurse working with I see children potty train at 19 months and at 3.6 years. They are all different and they really do have to be ready and there's absolutely no point pushing it until they are. There will be lots of accidents initially but sometimes I hear parents talk about their child being potty trained and actually they are not. They are just children without a nappy having 6/7 accidents a day.

She had one accident people
This isn't a child who isn't ready, it's a parent who is completely unprepared for potty training!

rowgtfc72 Are you kidding? You launched a potty across the room????? You are an adult, right? If you are being serious, then I am

Treefumaster that is discusting leaving a child in soiled underwear, how can anyone do that :(

After my first day of concerted potty training, I felt like utter shit. Appropriately! Three / four days later we were on our way. I think you have to persevere. I know you feel (I felt) maddened by the fact they seem to know what they're doing when they wee on the carpet but it's a knack - a physical thing, not intellectual. Give it a few more days.

Kungfupanda - I found there was something in that as well. It's all very well people saying to act unbothered / cheery to avoid your child getting a complex - but if it's too far the other way you have to make it clear you really do mind them crapping in their pants, actually, and it's not hilarious in the slightest...

My eldest is 3.7yo and isn't potty trained yet. She's shown no interest and the few times I've tried letting her run around without a nappy she's had accidents and got really upset.

Several HVs and a couple of GPs have told me not to worry and that there was no point trying to push her before she's ready- and that when she's ready it will be very quick. One GP told me that if she got to 4yo and still wasn't showing an interest then they would monitor her. None of them seemed concerned or said that she ought to be potty trained by now.

You haven't done anything wrong and neither has your DD- sounds like she's just not ready yet.

I would also ditch the nappies - too confusing! And yes you definitely need to give it longer.

We found very visual bribery worked with DS1 - he had a big jar of sweets on a shelf very obvious to him (I did see you tried bribery and think its definitely a situation where some can be needed!)

Also, for some reason DS1 hated the potty. When we bought a trainer seat we had much, much better results. Which suited me as potties are horrible, really!

I think she is easily ready to be toilet trained & agree to losing the pull-ups, although for some reason we used them with dd1. Dd2 was dry at night about the same time as the day, but Dd1 had a drunk of milk before bed until 4 yrs & uses to do a massive wee just before she woke up.

Both my dd's were using a potty at just over 2, it was so painless I kicked myself for not having the courage to do it earlier.

So, get the fave pants, talk about keeoing them clean, put them on & make sure she has a big drink. Don't ask her until 2-3 hrs have passed. Have the potty close, have her in a skirt no tights, do painting or something in the kitchen (assuming you've got a hard floor).

I made the mistake of asking dd1 (frantically) need a wee ? every 1/2 hr. The answer was no & at literally 3 hrs after putting her pants on, she peed on the hall carpet!

Your dd's clearly a smart cookie & I am sure, once she's got it once & had her Choc button, you'll be on the downward run.

I found the Gina Ford quite helpful & we had some potty training books from the library too. Oh & I bought one of the higher pottys, about 5 or so inches off the floor, both preferred that, probably more comfortable, to the lower ones.

& yes, it was down to me & (d)mil to do the initial work !

Haven't read other replies but seriously!
You gave it one day, she did one wee and you gave up and punished her for week g in the floor by refusing her a chocolate. I would pee on your carpet too!
Give her time and try and be relaxed and not stressed about it.
Prepare to spend a whole long weekend in the house, have plenty and knickers and kitchen roll handy and go for it. But you need to be mentally ready to deal with it. She sounds like a normal child to me. She might only know she is going once it comes out, you need to make sure she knows the feeling before that.

Sounds just like my Dd - but she did get it eventually, just takes time.

Take her to the toilet /potty even if she says she doesn't need to go
keep up rewards and reinforcement

I concluded my Dd was a bit lazy, all a bit of an effort to go to the toilet so she had certain lovely books for bathroom viewing only and lots of big girl conversations

Poo took a lot longer so don't despair - cold turkey on the pull ups too is essential

Good luck

I was lucky that DD wanted to be out of nappies very early but I found that she idn't want the potty at all but wanted a trainer seat, would baulk at the idea of a potty and throw herself on the floor when i tried to introduce it. If you would like the trainer seat that I have you're more than welcome to it.

I second all the other people who say dont worry about the fact that the first day is tough, we've been in knickers for over a year and she still has accidents and still doesnt make it in time.

It's nearly summer so the whole no knickers thing can come into play.

I'm trying to tackle the whole nights thing now and asking her if she wants to go through the night without a nappy, she doesn't. Someone up thread said that some nurseries dont take non-trained kids and they're right, but don't stress, don't listen to other people and do things in your own time. Rather than buttons, I'm using reward charts to get the buttons for various reasons and as someone once told me "when was the last time you saw someone up the aisle with a nappy on them?"

We have so many pressures on us at all times that sometimes it seems like it's a comertion to get it all done in one go, but whatever you might tackle I might find easy and vice versa. Don't be so hard on yourself, keep on going, get loads of cheap knickers you dont give a shit about and keep on going. Keep on following through with what you intended to do and you'll get there.

i have 3 older dc's and it took 3 weeks ish with each of them so one day is really just the start (frustrating though it is). If she is in nappies do you rush to change her once she has weed/pooed in them. with one of mine they had to be uncomfortable in the nappy before they wanted to move on to the potty. i dont mean leave them in for hours on end but just point out that it is not nice or comfortable being in a wet/dirty nappy. doesnt work for all kids but worth a try. I also think there are 2 issues here - the health and the social. i understand that from a health point of view drs dont worry until they are 4. however, if you have a class of 30 kids at school can you really stop to change or deal with a nappy? I have a number of friends who are foundation year teachers and they say that they cannot / will not deal with this and i have to agree. it is a pain but it can be done if you persevere and try different methods. good luck.

Until she is capable of doing a wee in a potty or the toilet, I don't see a point in toilet training.
It's not only the holding, but the doing with nappies off.
So far she has been holding while nappy free, now she must do the opposite, and children may not be able to control it easily.

We were very successful with DS when he had been having a wee in the toilet before bedtime for a few days already.
DS was 3 and 3 months by then.