i feel angry with DD (2.11) (and myself) for potty training failures

[MistyRocks]

she is 3 at the end of the month. she is very articulate, speaks and understands very well, she is well behaved, can hold full conversations, she can pull her trousers up and down and take her nappies off. she also knows when she is weeing or pooing and has done for at least a year. so she generally seems very ready and able for potty training.

she is obsessed with nappies, she LOVES them. she baulks at any idea of using the toilet or potty but she has had proper pants for months which she wears over her nappies.

i first tried her about 6 months ago but failed miserably. but this morning i just thought, sod it, lets just go for it. and i said to her "DD you are going to just wear your pants today, no nappy". and to my amazement she seemed happy with this. i told her if she needed a wee or a poo to use the potty. i was very casual about it, didn;t want to put her under pressure, but said she could have a chocolate button if she did something on the potty.

well she was dry for about an hour and a half. i sat her on the potty a few times but nothing. she then stood there and wee'd herself. while announcing, i am weeing mummy. she KNEW she needed to go. so why could she not do it on the potty ffs. and then she kept demanding a chocolate button "because i wee'd mummy" and then threw a huge tantrum when i explained it was meant to be on the potty and didn't let her have one.

and now i feel i have failed because once i had cleaned her up i just put a pull up back on her :( and i feel angry with her and i know i shouldn't.

i have an older DC too and he trained quickly and easily at around 2.6. i did it ALL myself and he was dead easy. and fucking mil and my mum keep going on about how she "should be using the toilet now" I KNOW THAT FFS

I have a 3.5 year old DSD who seems to have no interest in potty training at all. But I think it can't help that she sort of has 3 homes, mums, dads and the childminders, consistancey seems to help and poor DSD gets very little of that.

She starts pre school in september and I didn't realise that they NEEDED to be potty trained before. I have no advice but am reading with interest!

My eldest was over 3 - we waited until he was ready and then it was easy. BUT potty training involves accidents as that is part of the learning process! You don't put them in pants and then - ta dah - they wee where you want them to! You need to persevere.

treefumaster - A nursery that leave children in wet/pooey pants is revolting and should probably be reported to someone or other - what awful treatment of little children, how humiliating and uncomfortable for them :(.

if you feel she is ready which at nearly 3 she probably is ditch the nappies honestly I do think its the only way , how can children know they are ready when they have nappies on , im genuinley interested not having a go at anybody , potty training is hard and fustrating but imo she needs to start going to the toilet keep at it dont be angry i know how fustrating it is , but buy some cheap pants and dont get angry at accidents ,

Sometimes children are "ready" but they just don't want to do it as they are perfectly happy in nappies and can't see the point of using the toilet. Even if she is ready it's very common to have a few accidents while they get the hang of it.

I wouldn't let her wear pants over her nappies, being able to choose pants with a favourite character or whatever are a good incentive to start using the toilet.

It's difficult but try to stay calm and accept that there will be some accidents and see how she gets on over the next few days. Ignore your mum or mil or if they're that bothered, tell them they're welcome to train her themselves.

sent too early had more to say look for the clues she is needing and take her to the toilet she will get the hang of it , mine are a lot older than she is , back then they HAD to be trained before 2 mine were 2.5 and i felt a failure because they were not going to the loo before they were 2 years old

I agree with MooBaa. We never had a potty, when they were ready they just started using the toilet (with one of those seats). No accidents.

yes i would get rid of the potty , We didnt have 1 after DD1 went a bit green after seeing her poo , so we binned it got a toilet seat and she just used the toilet and a step after that ,

If she's having accidents I would keep the potty, if you can have it close at hand then it's easier for her to get there on time. I use a potty in the living room, for this reason, and also have a toilet seat on the toilet as well as a stool so they get use to the toilet as well as the potty.

I think its unrealistic to expect children never to have accidents. I don't think that waiting until the child is almost four years old (assuming no special needs) for the child to take the initiative is bordering on neglect.

Being completely intolerant of any accidents makes potty training stressful for the child. Its understandable why a child wants to wear nappies when they get a very negative reaction to an accident. They become scared of making mistakes. Putting a pull up on a child after one accident is telling them that you think they can't do it. It is telling them that they are a failure.

Some children find potty training hard, however the majority of children are biologcially ready by three. There comes a point where you just have to put up with the accidents regardless otherwise they will be having accidents at school.

well said really tired accidents is fine shocing a nappy back on because of accidents isnt ime it sends mixed messages ,

Just to say - my first day of potty training - I started with all her pants clean and ready to go. By the time she went down for her nap at 1.30 there were 10 pairs on the line. Next day three. That was Easter, and she's now dry and clean, and usually runs to the toilet to go without prompting.

We are almost ready to start training and this thread has been great for me, full of good advice. Notes to self-
1.buy more pants the 12 pairs I have aren't enough.

1. Get a decent loo seat that doesn't wobble about ( think I'll get one of the ones with built in steps and handles.
2. Buy lots of detox and kitchen roll/ anti bac wipes.
3. Do it when I have lots of time- ( should I go for it at half term or wait til the big summer break?)
4. Start as I mean to go on- day one in pants, stay in pants, nappies for bed only.

BTW she is 2y 4m but asking to go with me when I go for a wee and saying she wants one too. She has wee'd in the potty a few times so I Think we are pretty much there. Thanks ALL!!!

I think that that lots of books to read to your child when sitting on the potty/ toilet. You need to make sitting on the potty a pleasent experience. Many parents get things back to front and the whole thing becomes a battle of wills.

If your child doesn't want to sit on the potty then don't force the issue. It it is better to simply let them have an accident.

When you child has an accident don't get angry. Just clear up and change their clothes with minimum fuss. Playing in the garden is good for minimising mess.

Pick easy clothes. Send all dungerees to the charity shop. Choose vests without poppers.

Protect the car seat/ pushchair with a plastic bag. You can make it more comfortable by placing a towel over it. I believe there are products you can buy to protect the carseat, but I have never used them.

If after a week, potty training is utterly hopeless then its often a good idea to leave it a few months and go back to nappies. Although if your child is over three and half it might be an idea to get advice from your health visitor/ children's centre.

Some DC take longer than others.

My eldest DC took over 12 months to train - and still had accident in reception.

My youngest did it herself at 2.5 and within a week was more reliable than older sibling in reception. I've had a lot of people suggest it was my fault but we've done nothing different.

Keep clam and have lots of clean clothes - spent years carrying round change of clothes for older two, and know she will get there eventually.

HV often suggest reward charts ect - but never worked for my older two and just caused more upset.

I've not read the whole thread but my dd has just turned 3 and she doesn't want to let go of her nappies either. The health visitor and nursery have said just leave it until she says she wants to wear knickers.

I honestly think it is a battle that isn't worth having...

Agree with the other poster that you need to put a lot more effort into this! It will take time, there will be a lot of accidents. You need to set a date and stick to it. Starting and stopping is confusing and will make things harder long term.

Whilst I don't think you should apply pressure- ie don't be angry at mistakes, you do need to be firm. Along the lines of you are a big girl now, we arent havingng nappies and stick to it. Stay firm with your treats to-only when she gets it right.

I disagree with posters saying that you wait til they're ready-even if its nearly 4. you are the parent and you need to teach them. I think it is a cultural thing. Certainly from speaking to older relatives somewhere between 20-30 months seemed average. I have friends in the Netherlands where the norm is to train them at 18m.

My ds2 I trained at a week or so after he turned two. It takes time and patience and dedication- a week or so of nothing else til they are reliable enough to go out. Several more weeks of carrying a potty everywhere so it is immediately available. But perfectly possible.

Good luck!

give yourself and your child a break. My DD wasn't ready until she was about three and a half. We tried at aged 3 but she just wasn't getting it. It was stressful for both parties so we abandoned it and then tried again when she started to get more interested in using the potty and toilet. When we realised that she was ready, it was a relatively speedy transition out of nappies (during the day at least) but wasn't without accidents.

If you evidently get stressed, your child will pick up on this and you will both have a bloody awful time. It's a process, it will take time.

Ds2 used to wee next to the potty whilst smiling and laughing!! He knew what he was doing and it was a bit of a battle of wills.

After making the mistake and getting cross and giving him attention, I calmed down, took a deep breath, would clear up the wee, say "Never mind, maybe you will reach the potty in time next time" and then walk away. After a few days he stopped and I was able to give big positive attention. He was fine after that , little whatsit!

I don't think you have failed. My experience with DCs 1+2 was that we had a couple of days with lots of accidents exactly like what you describe and then it was sorted. It is unlikely to be sorted within 90 mins on day 1 however ready your DD is. Stick with it for a couple of messy days and it will be fine.

My daughter was about the same age and it took a couple of weeks for it to click. One thing that helped was one of those dolls which you feed and then it wee's on the potty. It helped her to see what was happening I guess. Once it did click though, she never had a wee accident again (in six months).

Poo's were another story though, we've only just cracked that one in the last month or so.

cut yourself and your DD some slack.

children can be quite different about this and i have encountered different challenges every time. so don't expect her to be easy just because her brother was.

it is really good actually that she was happy to wee (so not withholding) and in front of you!

she can do this, she just needs time to learn.

though of course you should buy it because it is copyright :)

but bear in mind - its a bit like you going to work, and every day you get to pick where you work, whether you stand or sit, andsuddenly your boss decides you can only work at one desk, and you have to sit...

some days you'd probably forget. some days you might just feel rebellious. but you wouldn't just accept it right away without lots of support and encouragement from your boss.

she has been in nappies all her life - now you want her to change - be prepared to spend time explaining and encouraging.

and also i can't think of many parents who would call potty training their favourite thing!

the threads on it here are usually fairly gin-addled :)