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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm too old for this passive-aggressive nonsense?

106 replies

PrincessTeacake · 08/05/2012 18:35

I've talked about this a bit on here before, so bear with me please!

I'm a sort-of unofficial mother figure for a group of girls. I joined the group because we're all into EGL fashion (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lolita_fashion) and I ended up taking over it to a certain degree because a) the group is mostly teenagers who have the attention span of a gnat and b) because I work in childcare and it comes naturally to me. I had been a member of another similar group where the girls were older but I found them a bit stand-offish and rude so I left for the group I'm in now.

The fashion itself has a reputation for attracting and encouraging bitchiness within the ranks, and a lot of that comes from a certain anonymous message board which can get downright cruel. I had a confrontation with the girls of the older group because two of the younger girls from my group had their pictures posted there and I suspected the other group, because none of the international girls would have really cared enough to post them, it was a clear vendetta. Although they denied it, one girl said some really nasty things about the girls posted and another insinuated that because I was having a glass of wine on a Saturday night in my own house that I was an alcoholic and shouldn't be allowed work with children.

There's been a lot of tension since, the younger girls got posted again and the older group got the blame regardless of whether they did it or not. They said a few nasty things about me personally (which, to be fair, I'm old enough to brush off) and it's out of pure jealousy that our group is bigger and more relaxed than theirs. I also really yanked their chain lately by doing a successful stand-up set in my frills (they take the fashion deadly serious). Now we're at a standstill and I do keep seeing posts on the anon message board that are clearly from them, they can't even be subtle about it.

I just feel like I'm too old for this crap. I keep an eye on things because the younger girls are still very sensitive to this kind of thing, but I never say a bad word about the older girls, partially because it does nobody any good and partially because there's one girl in the older group I like and respect a lot who has begged me to keep a lid on any drama if I can. I encourage the younger girls not to bitch about the others too and we stay active, but it feels like so much work and I'd rather just be enjoying myself. To top it all off, I've had ongoing harassment from a person with a serious mental illness and she's trying to horn in on this drama too, but that's a whole other story.

Also, the girl who is ranking up most of the drama is near enough my age, she has a mortgage and a full-time job, surely she's too old for this crap too?

OP posts:
KateSpade · 10/05/2012 08:58

OP, do you wear these clothes in public, to work, shopping, ect?

In the full lolita get up?

crashdoll · 10/05/2012 09:38

OP asked if she was too old for this? Other people thought she was. OP disagreed and MN is left wondering why she even bloody asked!

bogeyface · 10/05/2012 10:06

The OP asked if she was too old to be dealing with childish pass-agg behaviour, not whether she was too old for the hobby.

But as usual MN jumps on the wrong thing and answers a question that was never asked.

I personally dont like the style and cant see how it could be flattering on anyone over the age of 21, but each to their own! I used to be a full on goth and looked farking stoopid so I cant criticise anyone :o

I agree that the OP should try and step back and let the younger ones fight their own battles a bit more, but make it clear that she will support them if they ask.

AkhalTeke · 10/05/2012 10:31

I didn't think I would, but I really like some of those clothes.

NonAstemia · 10/05/2012 10:49

What bogey said.

Do people actually bother to read OPs properly? Hmm

Clytaemnestra · 10/05/2012 10:50

SGB - "The biggest problem with fucking mundanes is that they don't really have hobbies, it's all passive consumerism and the struggle to be just as boring as one another, so they are always hostile to anything un-mundane because they are incapable of understanding it."

Define a mundane. Someone not "alternative"? Someone who dresses normally? Someone purely vanilla? Looking down on people just because they're not alternative, when you know nothing about them personally other than a few stereotypes is just as narrow minded as looking down on someone who is alternative because they have funny hair and piercings.

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/05/2012 10:53

What Clytaemnestra said.
Define mundane.

TheUnMember · 10/05/2012 10:54

Having had a look at the fashion on google, I like it. I think I'd wear it if I could afford it and had the figure for it. Although some of them look a bit creepy.

Clytaemnestra · 10/05/2012 10:57

To be fair I think I might have used the term "mundanes" a bit when I was 19, worked in Camden market and spent every weekend at Slimelight, but I managed to hang on to the style and simultaniously grow up and get over myself.

bogeyface · 10/05/2012 12:21

I hate to tell you this SGB but if there is one thing that is mind bendingly BORING it is people who drone on and on and on about their alternative lifestyle choices and how they are the only people that truly live life to the full. Their constant put downs of people who choose to live a non-alternative life are pathetic, childish and, did i mention, BORING.

So pop off and let us live our mundane hetero-monogamous lives without your constant white noise. Thank you.

solidgoldbrass · 10/05/2012 15:28

It's not what you do (or don't do) that makes you a mundane. It's the attitude that anything you personally don't fancy is creepy, dangerous, wrong and people should be made to stop it ie all the posters suggesting that the OP is behaving in an 'inappropriate' way by liking unusual clothes and sharing this interest with some people who are a bit younger than her.

NonAstemia · 10/05/2012 16:09

"It's the attitude that anything you personally don't fancy is creepy, dangerous, wrong and people should be made to stop it ie all the posters suggesting that the OP is behaving in an 'inappropriate' way by liking unusual clothes and sharing this interest with some people who are a bit younger than her."

I hate this attitude too.

What an incredibly boring world it would be if we all shared the same narrow interests and ideas of fun.

ExitPursuedByABear · 10/05/2012 16:16

Are you in the UK OP?

FioFio · 10/05/2012 16:28

Having studied fashion and worked in the industry I am not shocked at all by the bitching. Are you really that shocked? I know it's a boring cliche but honestly I met some absolutely lovely, amazing people but alot of people are shallow, vacuous and completely self obsessed

Kayano · 10/05/2012 16:40

The world of EGL and cosplay in general can be very very bitchy. I had someone comment to my friend that she was just too fat at size 12/14

All the Judgy 'sexualised kids' posters... Hmm why don't you look it up instead of being equally bitchy about a legitimate hobby. You just make yourselves look ignorant and should maybe look into it before jumping on a sexualised child bandwagon. I don't dress in EGL btw but have many friends of many ages and backgrounds who do. It's far less offensive than boob tube and hot pants I saw in the metrocentre today! It was pouring down with rain outside and the girl was like 14 and with her mother!

Astr0naut · 10/05/2012 16:41

I remember the first thread and funnily enough was thinking about it on Saturday because I saw Lolitas and steampunks at Llandudno.

I stopped to look and it made me feel nostalgic for the days when I'd've been all dressed up in alternative gear. [sigh] I don't even stand out in a crowd when I see photos of myself now.

TheBigJessie · 10/05/2012 18:50

What bogeyface said at 10:06:21, except I do like the style, and have always secretly wished I had the figure and confidence to wear some of it.

Original poster
PrincessTeacake · 10/05/2012 20:21
  • No, I'm not in the UK. I'm Irish. I know the UK comms have their own share of drama that puts these squabbles in the shade, but since even the London comm is about three times the size of our country-wide comm, that's to be expected.

*Yes, I wear it in public, often with a group of girls that dress in a similar fashion. I have gone clubbing all done up, have gone shopping, to the cinema and once to work when I got called in to take over during an emergency. I don't wear it all the time, the kids I work with would destroy my dresses with Weetabix/juice/paint/puke and it's not exactly practical while you're, say, cleaning the toilet or making the beds. It's a fun thing for me, I like the way I look when I'm decked out. Otherwise, I look like an ordinary chubby Primark hipster.

*I didn't ask if I was too old for the hobby, I asked if I was too old to be putting up with the bitchiness of some of the girls involved for the sake of the younger girls. More to the point, how do I remain their scout leader without getting completely frustrated by the other lot's nonsense? If I was to leave the group, it would sink and they wouldn't act on their own initiative to hold meets, and that would be a terrible shame because they all get on so well together and we have a lot of fun. I set up a system where everyone volunteers to host one meet and it's hard enough to get them to do that. I just want to be able to laugh off the other lot but finding it tough, and thought I'd ask Mumsnet for some sage wisdom.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessTeacake · 10/05/2012 20:26

TheBigJessie, confidence comes more easily when you're in a supportive comm, and don't let figure quibbles put you off. EGL can look good on all shapes and sizes if you know what you're doing, and it's not as expensive as you might think. This tumblr (fuckyeahbodyline.tumblr.com/) is dedicated to girls making the EGL version of Primark work. Some of them are quite toned down too, I'm a pastel junkie but I don't go overboard with the crazy wigs/accessories.

OP posts:
bogeyface · 10/05/2012 20:27

they wouldn't act on their own initiative to hold meets, and that would be a terrible shame because they all get on so well together

I sympathise but that comment made me Hmm a bit.

You are not their mum or their "scout leader" and if the group sinks because they cba then that is their problem. And maybe you are selling them short, perhaps the reason no one else does it is because you have taken over, and if you do decide to leave a natural leader may suddenly come to the fore!

Original poster
PrincessTeacake · 10/05/2012 20:43

The reason I set up the hosted meet system was because I was concerned I was taking over too much. To be fair it's not just the teens, I expect them to be a bit flaky, but even the 20-somethings in the group don;t show much initiative. I did leave briefly, I had a medical emergency and was off the grid for about two months, the fb wasn't updated once and while they had been discussing an upcoming meet when I left, it never happened because they couldn't choose a date or venue. Some of the newer girls are showing promise but they're still pretty shy so it'll take a while before they'll be confident enough to host a meet.

OP posts:
bogeyface · 10/05/2012 20:52

I get what you are saying but the point is, it isnt your problem.

If you want to leave then you shouldnt feel that you should stay just because no one else will organise them!

CervixWithASmile · 10/05/2012 21:04

I love that OP has come on here to ask advice about some bitchiness in online forums and has had a whole load of 'you're too old for this' bitchy snipey replies. I think we might be lacking self awareness here :o

bogeyface · 10/05/2012 21:07

The irony hasnt passed us all by Cervix Wink

MyDogShitsShoes · 10/05/2012 21:30

(Am I the only lurker now desperate to find a way to drop all this Lolita/ Steampunk business into a converstion like I'm all urbane and down with the kidz?)

Ok, OP in answer to your question - yes. You are clearly too old for all that crap.

Not the clothes obviously. Wear what the frick you like, makes no odds to anyone.

The only people who annoy me are the ones who dress massively outrageously purely for the attention. I had many friends in college whose only concern whenever we went out was how many people were looking at them, if it wasn't enough they would talk in overly loud voices about the "conformists who had nothing better to do than stare at them". It was truly exhausting.

In all honesty though, to me you come accross as a teensy bit of a drama llama yourself. You've appointed yourself "scoutleader" and clearly love playing your part in it all. Either tell them to quit it or accept that you quite like it and carry on as you are.

If neither of those things float your boat leave them to it and make new friends that you actually like and have more in common with than just the clothes you wear.