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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that in-laws were extremely rude doing this!

91 replies

eppa · 08/05/2012 13:55

I live with DH a long way from my parents but near to his parents. A few months ago my parents came to visit and the in-laws cooked lunch for them at their house.
When my parents knew they were due to come up again they wanted to return the in-laws hospitality. Obviously they couldn't cook them lunch so instead they said that they would take me and DH and the in-laws out for lunch to say "thank you".
This was explained to MIL and she said she would book a restaurant. However when me and my parents and DH turned up PILs were there with DH's two brothers (who are both in their twenties, working, etc) and it was clear that MIL expected my parents to pay for the 2 BILs too!
Now my parents are not wealthy and I could see my mum was mortified that she was expected to pay for 2 adult men's meals (who she hardly even knows). Therefore at the end of the meal it was a bit awkward as I said somthing about the BILS should pay and the PILS were very offish about this and one BIL even made a very loud comment that it was "funny to have to pay when you've been invited out" - he wasn't even invited!!!
Please tell me I'm not BU to think that PILs were really rude to do this!

OP posts:

LondonNinja · 08/05/2012 13:57

YANBU. If they weren't invited, they should pay! Cheeky buggers. Some people are shameless.

jaggythistle · 08/05/2012 13:58

it does seem just a tiny bit odd to invite 2 extra people without saying anything!

YANBU and v brave to have pointed it out!

Lottapianos · 08/05/2012 13:58

YANBU. Sounds like they were taking the mickey. They should not have sprung two extra people on you and your parents. Do they have a history of free-loading?

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 08/05/2012 13:58

Yes very cheeky, might be worth asking tge Nik when they will be cooked/treating your parents.

travelcot · 08/05/2012 13:59

Why did the bils turn up when they hadn't been invited? Sounds rather grasping of them and pil to me and I wouldn't have been expecting to pay for them either.

fuzzpig · 08/05/2012 13:59

YANBU! Is mil normally this rude?

Ephiny · 08/05/2012 14:00

The BILs should have offered to pay, definitely. Were they not embarrassed to turn up uninvited and expect to be paid for?

Maybe your MIL had given them the impression they were invited? Even so if I was in their position, I'd have offered to contribute when the bill came.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 08/05/2012 14:00

*bil not Nik sorry iPhone typo

DaDerDaDer · 08/05/2012 14:02

Probably some sort of misunderstanding.

BILs believed they were invited as their parents told them this.

PILs made an unthinking assumption your parents meant the whole family.

They ar probably a mixture of cross/mortified that BILs wer asked to pay.

Your parents cross/mortified they were expected to pay.

If everyone involved are usually plaesnst reasonable sort of people, chalk it up to an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Rinkan · 08/05/2012 14:03

Is there a big income/wealth disparity between the two sets of parents? To some people the cost of two lunches is negligible and they may somehow have thought it was a nice idea to get the wider family together.

What is the family situation that results in your parents knowing his parents better than they know his two brothers - were they not at your wedding and things? Or is it that the two sets of GPs have bonded when meeting GCs together?

What does your DH think? In your position I think I'd have expected him to step up to the plate and have a quiet word with his Mum and Dad before the bill came round.

DaDerDaDer · 08/05/2012 14:04

Were BILs at meal hosted by PILs originally?

If so I can see how an assumption could be made that the same group were now to go out for a meal.

Do BILs live with PILs? Also could add to possible misunderstanding.

ArtexMonkey · 08/05/2012 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 08/05/2012 14:06

Your DH should have stepped in, at the very least this should have been dealt with afterwards, to save an arguement at the restaurant.

I said somthing about the BILS should pay and the PILS were very offish.
BIL even made a very loud comment that it was "funny to have to pay when you've been invited out

This is where posters on MN go wrong. What you do is say, not ask, how are we doing this, am i putting it on my card or is everyone giving the cash. Any straight forward refusal, not mutterings, is challenged.

Mutterings are ignored, offish isn't a form of communication, so that is overlooked, direct questions are asked, statements given.

Original poster

eppa · 08/05/2012 14:07

Thanks everyone - makes me feel better that I am not being unreasonable. I don't have the best relationship with MIL so sometimes wonder if I am being oversensitive.
The IL's do think the world revolves around them and their sons. I do think that MIL had probably given BILs the impression that they were invited although goodness knows why she thought my parents would want to pay for them and even if they did think they were being paid for it was still rude of them to comment.
They are very "graspy" people even though they are well off so its not as though they need to be! We had another occassion where we went out with them and my parents for a meal. When we got to the restaurant my mum said something about how we'd all pay for ourselves etc. MIL went off on one and started saying she had thought me and DH were paying, she hadn't been told she would pay etc etc. She kept bringing it up all the way through the meal until my poor DH was so embarassed he went up and paid for everyone - she wasn't even grateful!
No more joint meals out I think!

OP posts:

Iteotwawki · 08/05/2012 14:09

It depends how it was explained to your MiL. If your parents said "we'd like to take you out for a family dinner" then your MiL may have assumed that their sons, being family, were part of the deal and booked the restaurant accordingly.

If your parents explicitly said "we'd like to take you and eppa and her DH out for dinner, please book for 6 people" then YANBU.

The boys may well have been under the impression they were invited by their mother who may have misunderstood the original invitation. However, I'd still have offered to split the bill when it arrived because it's good manners not to assume someone else is paying! I'd probably have suggested that the PiL pay for their sons (as they invited them) and your parents pay for the rest, not sure how that would've gone down though.

All depends how the initial invitation was phrased - or more importantly, how everyone remembers how it was phrased (2 very different things!)

carabos · 08/05/2012 14:09

I imagine what has happened here is that PiLs hosted four people, OP and her DP, her parents and so expected four people to be hosted in return. I'm not condoning it, it's not what I would do and I think it's rude of them not to have clarified at the outset.

I think there has been a breakdown in communication and this started with allowing MiL to book the restaurant and not getting into the detail of that with her.

Original poster

eppa · 08/05/2012 14:12

Just to answer questions

Yes the BILs were at the original meal as they are both kept live at home with their parents.
However my parents don't know the BILs well. They met them at our wedding and at IL's anniversary party but they wouldn't really have a reason to see them other than occasions like that (of which there are not many) and wouldn't really offer to take them out for a meal.

OP posts:

whatsallthefuss · 08/05/2012 14:13

how old are the BIL? if they are minors i would expect their own parents to pay, if they are adults i would expect them to pay.

however did everyone trundle off to the restaurant all expecting each other to pay? i'd have pulled aside the PIL and said, i wasnt expecting the boys and see what they say....

if they said that they expected me to pay, i'm afraid we would have gone to somewhere cheaper!

I have a budget and i cant go over that, so if there are two more adult mouths to feed, then everyone eats less or eats somewhere cheaper!

itdoesnthurttohavemanners · 08/05/2012 14:13

YANBU! How rude of them!

Rinkan · 08/05/2012 14:16

Goodness, she sounds awful. It's very rude indeed to insist that someone buys you a meal when it has been suggested that everyone pay for themselves. Once that suggestion has been made the ONLY person who has the right to suggest otherwise is the person who decides to offer to pay for everyone!

However I now think even more so that your DH, knowing his Mum had form, was very wrong and unsupportive of you not to put his folks straight before anyone had to suggest openly that the BILs pay.

DaDerDaDer · 08/05/2012 14:19

Well then, I can see how the assumption could be made that the same group which was at the meal at PILs house, were being taken out to dinner with your parents.

You probably said 'my parents would like to take you out'

They probably heard 'my parents would like to take you all out.'

It is a misunderstanding, unless you think they plotted and made a conscious decision to bring BILs along so they could get a free meal.

You can use this to add evdience to your belief, and further proof, that MIL is a bitch, or you can think 'oh God what am embarrassing cock up for us all'

I know which way a more harmonious family life lies...

Original poster

eppa · 08/05/2012 14:21

Everyone who has said that DH should have put them straight it right and this argument has been had many times in the eppa household.
Unfortunately they are pretty toxic and he is petrified of upsetting them (so seems to leave that up to me ).

OP posts:

CornishMade · 08/05/2012 14:21

I don't think the ILs should have brought their sons, but if they were at the original meal and live with their folks then it does muddy the waters somewhat. Was the invite completely clear that it was for the ILs only and not the sons? Or has it been miscommunication and assumptions made all around? It's all too easy not to explain what you mean (who's invited) when it's so clear to you, but other people hear something else.

AThingInYourLife · 08/05/2012 14:23

If the BILs were at the first meal I can see how the confusion arose.

pumpkinsweetie · 08/05/2012 14:23

YANBU-they were not invited therfore they should have paid for their own meals

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