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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that in-laws were extremely rude doing this!

91 replies

eppa · 08/05/2012 13:55

I live with DH a long way from my parents but near to his parents. A few months ago my parents came to visit and the in-laws cooked lunch for them at their house.
When my parents knew they were due to come up again they wanted to return the in-laws hospitality. Obviously they couldn't cook them lunch so instead they said that they would take me and DH and the in-laws out for lunch to say "thank you".
This was explained to MIL and she said she would book a restaurant. However when me and my parents and DH turned up PILs were there with DH's two brothers (who are both in their twenties, working, etc) and it was clear that MIL expected my parents to pay for the 2 BILs too!
Now my parents are not wealthy and I could see my mum was mortified that she was expected to pay for 2 adult men's meals (who she hardly even knows). Therefore at the end of the meal it was a bit awkward as I said somthing about the BILS should pay and the PILS were very offish about this and one BIL even made a very loud comment that it was "funny to have to pay when you've been invited out" - he wasn't even invited!!!
Please tell me I'm not BU to think that PILs were really rude to do this!

OP posts:
WasabiTillyMinto · 08/05/2012 19:04

Eppa they sound very grabby & think the world revolves around them. but i think you need to take a deep breath and put it down to experience and try to avoid them playing your family again.

DaDerDaDer · 08/05/2012 19:12

But that's irrelevant isnt it enormasnob? Some people would have presumed BILS not invited eg you and OP, some people would have assumed they were eg OPs MIL and others that can see how that may happen.

That is a misunderstanding when different assumptions are made without intending any malicious, and needs to be resolved delicately as no one is really at fault.

Both sides will presume their assumption is correct, but of course there is no correct.

If however, you believe that the MIL knew they weren't in invited all along, but said I'm asking them anyway so they can get a free dinner from DILs poor parents then they were v rude.

however I suspect this want the case, and MIL thought this was a great big family shebang and OP thought it wasn't.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/05/2012 19:18

If your parents had been able to cook,the would they have minded the BILs coming?

TBH, it's not your MILs fault that your Mum can't cook, and if she provided a meal for all the family, it's not that unreasonable that she thought your parents were going to provide a meal for the whole family, especially as the invite was to reciprocate the meal that your in laws covered.

I think the onus should have been on your parents to make it clear who the invite was for. If they didn't do that, they shouldn't be that surprised that everyone who was present at the first meal would also be present at the second.

Original poster
eppa · 08/05/2012 19:20

Its very interesting to hear people's points of views.

Tbh I could have understood the MIL bringing the BILs along if they were children but I just can't see why she would have assumed my parents would want to pay for 2 grown men they hardly know!

I know the BILs were at the first meal but that was only because they live with the PIL's so it was just their usual sunday lunch - they hadn't made a special effort to be there or made any of the meal and they are never particularly bothered about my family - don't ask how they are etc. I think they were just there for the free meal!

Also I know some people have said that they price of the 2 meals should have been "sucked up" by my parents but the cost of 2 three course meals + drinks is not cheap and my parents are not wealthy.

Basically at the end of the meal the PIL's muttered that "I suppose we can chip in a bit for BILs" and poor old DH ended up paying the rest whilst the BILs sat there looking smug.

I can't remember who asked if the BIL's pay rent but the answer is that they don't - they are totally spoilt and cosseted.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 08/05/2012 19:29

Yep, I can see how this went wrong and I don't think mil was deliberately trying it on, she thinks of them as part of the family unit as they live at home
Couldn't your dh or you have quietly subbed their meals to save putting your parents out of pocket? I can see why that would grate but if you end up in one of these situations through no-one's fault, it is a more gracious option I'd have thought

TidyDancer · 08/05/2012 19:29

It should not have been assumed that your parents would be paying for all attendees. If the invitation was expressly for the PILs, then that's all who are invited. If they wanted to bring extra people, whoever those extra people might be, they should've checked that it was okay before going ahead with it. That's not just a money issue either.

YANBU.

ApocalypseThen · 08/05/2012 19:30

I just can't see why she would have assumed my parents would want to pay for 2 grown men they hardly know!

Well, I guess your inlaws see their sons as part of the family.

ENormaSnob · 08/05/2012 19:34

Of course the sons are part of the family, but, as they adults I think it rude to presume they would be invited to everything.

Coconutty · 08/05/2012 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
eppa · 08/05/2012 19:47

outragedathepriceoffreedos If my mum had been able to cook (she can actually cook its just that they live too far away to invite inlaws back Smile) I very much doubt she would have invited the BILs and probably would have been surprised if they turned up and annoyed as she would not have made enough food!

Also I know that MIL cooked for all the family but that was for HER family so of course she would be happy to cook for her sons but I don't think that would mean my parents were under an obligation to pay for them in return.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/05/2012 19:54

You need to try and look at this from the other point of view. You make valid points, but they are no more valid than the points that have been made in defence of you MiL. Your perspective on this isn't the only perspective, and neither of the perspectives are right or wrong.

It is understandable that your parents didn't want to pay for the BILs, but it is also understandable that your in laws thought that everyone who was present at the first meal would be present at the second. Both things are equally understandable, so I don't think you should be angry with your MIL. Although saying that, it does sound like the BILs are freeloaders, and no one at that table except maybe you and your dh handled the situation very well. I do think your parents should have made it clear they were only inviting out the pils and not the BILs.

everlong · 08/05/2012 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 08/05/2012 19:58

Of course the sons are part of the family, but, as they adults I think it rude to presume they would be invited to everything.

Do you? If it's a family invitation, and the parents in law think of the brothers in law as their children, it's not that much of a leap to assume they'd be invited?

I'd have offered to pay if I were them, to be honest, but I wouldn't expect to be excluded from a family lunch altogether on the basis that I'm over 18.

WasabiTillyMinto · 08/05/2012 20:00

if you invite someone out to thank them for cooking for you, they dont arrive with their grown up children unless they are trying to get the most out of the meal you are paying for.

AThingInYourLife · 08/05/2012 20:03

Your parents were not "paying in return".

That's not how social obligations work.

Your MIL hosted a meal, and your parents offered to host a meal to reciprocate her kindness.

That isn't about money, it's about hospitality.

The original meal involved your BsIL, so there was good reason for your MIL to think they were part of the invitation extended by your parents.

As hosts of the meal in the restaurant it was up to your parents to extend a clear invitation and book a restaurant, neither of which they did.

The confusion caused was not your MIL's fault, or your BsIL, and it was very impolite of you to raise the subject of payment in the way you did.

The right thing to do was make sure the people your parents were hosting (even if unintentionally) were not embarrassed by the error and make sure to be clearer about invitations in future.

captainmummy · 08/05/2012 20:07

This is ridiculous! If I invite someone to dinner, i'll probably include my own dc in the meal, because they live here!. But if i am invited back to one of my guests' for dinner as a reciprocal arrangement, I will not assume my dc are invited too, because they were fed at mine, by me!

OP, you are NOT Being unreasonable at all.

littlemslazybones · 08/05/2012 20:08

But treating someone to a meal is not about paying off a debt or obligation. Confused. It's an expression of friendship and generosity among people who enjoy each other's company.

Why would MIL stop to think about how many extra meals made in the first meal in relation to how many meals your parents were paying for? I wouldn't. I'd think 'Oh great, they obviously enjoyed our company and want to do this again'.

I'm not being difficult here. I'm not one of those posters that plays devil's advocate for sport.

captainmummy · 08/05/2012 20:12

I think it is paying off a social obligation. These are people who only come together for OP and their mutual GCs. They are not friends as such.

fiftyval · 08/05/2012 20:16

YANBU. If a friend invited you round for dinner with other guests and you wanted to reciprocate you would not expect all the friend's other guests to turn up too. If the bils were children it might be different but they are not.

SoupDragon · 08/05/2012 20:16

Am I being unreasonable? : AIBU to think that in-laws were extremely rude doing this! 69
messages. Latest 08/05/12 20:12 By captain mummy hide

AIBU to have sniggered at how this appeared on my screen?

Havingaminutespeace · 08/05/2012 20:16

I was all for saying YANBU, and how cheeky of the MIL to just randomly decide that she was going to invite two more people and expect them to be paid for!
However, on reading all the thread, it wasn't like that at all, was it? If they were at the original meal, and you said that you were going to return the hospitality and treat them to a family meal, they will have obviously thought they were included.
The confusion has come about because you didn't specify that your parents only wanted to take the PIL's out, and to leave the BIL's at home.
They weren't being cheeky at all, they thought they were invited.
Awkward to have to suddenly find the extra money when you weren't expecting them, but you and DH should have clubbed together to help your parents to pay for them if they couldn't/didn't want to.
The BIL's were legitimately invited and it would have seemed really rude to them to be invited somewhere and then be expected to pay.

littlemslazybones · 08/05/2012 20:18

Well I think the idea of 'paying off' a social obligation is incredibly cold and I'd be mortified if someone mirrored my hospitality just to pay off an imaginary bloody debt. Family or otherwise. I'd rather stay in and watch telly.

littlemslazybones · 08/05/2012 20:22

And another thing...Smile

I'd be even more put out if they were thinking analytically about how to keep the level of hospitality even-stevens, like I was a burden.

captainmummy · 08/05/2012 20:53

soupdragon! Grin

(incidentally - why does it say captainmummy - hide? )

DaDerDaDer · 08/05/2012 20:56

Basically...when you said 'parents want to take you out' she mistakenly thought 'you' meant 'all of you'.

Shoot her.

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