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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that in-laws were extremely rude doing this!

91 replies

eppa · 08/05/2012 13:55

I live with DH a long way from my parents but near to his parents. A few months ago my parents came to visit and the in-laws cooked lunch for them at their house.
When my parents knew they were due to come up again they wanted to return the in-laws hospitality. Obviously they couldn't cook them lunch so instead they said that they would take me and DH and the in-laws out for lunch to say "thank you".
This was explained to MIL and she said she would book a restaurant. However when me and my parents and DH turned up PILs were there with DH's two brothers (who are both in their twenties, working, etc) and it was clear that MIL expected my parents to pay for the 2 BILs too!
Now my parents are not wealthy and I could see my mum was mortified that she was expected to pay for 2 adult men's meals (who she hardly even knows). Therefore at the end of the meal it was a bit awkward as I said somthing about the BILS should pay and the PILS were very offish about this and one BIL even made a very loud comment that it was "funny to have to pay when you've been invited out" - he wasn't even invited!!!
Please tell me I'm not BU to think that PILs were really rude to do this!

OP posts:

DaDerDaDer · 08/05/2012 14:50

They thought they were invited.

To them, being invited and then being asked to pay probably seemed very rude.

DaisySteiner · 08/05/2012 14:56

It sounds like a misunderstanding but they were rude not to pay when it was made clear what had happened. In that situation I would have tried to smooth it over so there was no embarrassment and then quietly paid my mum for the meals later.

Rinkan · 08/05/2012 14:58

Sounds like both PILs and BILs legitimately assumed that the BILs were invited, what with it being the return meal for one that the BILs had attended.

Going back to my original comment, I'd guess that the root of the problem here is that your PILs do not have to be careful with their money, whereas your parents do. To the PILs, it probably seemed like the restaurant lunch proposed by your parents was a "thank you" in the sense that they thought that your parents were thanking them by being the ones to initiate the family gathering.

Your parents, on the other hand, thought of it more like paying your PILs back in financial terms for the money that the PILs had spent cooking the first dinner.

With your PILs being comfortably off, they may not have really considered the meal that they prepared to have represented a financial cost to them, so would not have thought of the thank you in financial terms. It probably also never occurred to them that paying for the BILs would have been an expense that your parents could not comfortably afford - no doubt your parents would never have had cause to talk about relative incomes with your PILs. Or is there an obvious disparity in the types of jobs they do?

Out of interest, do the BILs pay board to the PILs?

girlywhirly · 08/05/2012 15:04

I guess from now on your parents will be visiting you by stealth in case MIL tries to invite them over again or hope to tag along if you, your parents and DH decide to eat out! At least your DH should support you in this as he won't want another row along the lines of 'you didn't tell us you were going out to eat, why didn't you ask us to come?'

I can see how the invitation could have been either misinterpreted or blatantly altered to include the BIL's, big mistake to let MIL have control of the booking if you know she has form for taking advantage.

The BIL who made the remark makes me think they were only there for the free lunch and didn't care about seeing you or your parents (and the fact that MIL wouldn't be cooking for them that day would be a strong attraction!)

thebody · 08/05/2012 15:06

If they were at the original Neal ghen it's fair to think they would be included I suppose.

Chalk up to experience, be careful in future

I have a sister who is as tight as a badgers arse so I sympathyse.

MarysBeard · 08/05/2012 15:07

I'm shocked at any adult turning up to a meal and expecting someone else to pay for them. Even if it was returning hospitality, surely you would offer to pay and then express deep gratitude if someone else said "No, I insist".

Mosman · 08/05/2012 15:09

How old are these BIL's

Rinkan · 08/05/2012 15:14

Read the OP, Mosman - they are in their twenties and working.

Debsbear · 08/05/2012 15:19

Sounds like it was a case of crossed wires. Easily done, a bit embarrassing for everuone. I think it might be up to you to mend a few bridges if there's any bad feeling. Explain to your Il's that your parents hadn't been expecting your BIL's and that your sorry for any confusion. Explain to your parents that there was a misunderstanding and that your BIL's had been told they were invited. Next time make sure taht everyone knows who's invited.

mumeeee · 08/05/2012 15:22

Sounds like a misunderstanding. The BILs were at the original meal so they and your PILs probably thought they were invited. So they probably thought it was rude to be expected to pay when they were invited.

AThingInYourLife · 08/05/2012 15:22

I think it was very indelicate of you to have asked them to pay.

Really you should have arranged with your parents (discreetly) that you would cover the BILs' meals and not embarrassed everybody by making it clear
a. that two of the guests were unwelcome
b. that your parents would struggle to pay for them

It was a misunderstanding that you have turned into an awkward situation.

betterwhenthesunshines · 08/05/2012 15:25

I don't understand why MIL was booking the restaurant. Could you not have done that on behalf of your parents?

ENormaSnob · 08/05/2012 15:30

yanbu

Why would mil assume that bil were invited in the first place? Or did the bil pay for and cook the first meal?

gramercy · 08/05/2012 15:32

Frankly if I were the bils I'd be livid. If I were sitting in a restaurant for a meal to which I honestly believed I'd been invited and then someone hissed at me that I had to pay, I'd be embarrassed and angry.

It's just two meals - the cost should have been sucked up on that occasion. Or you could have given your parents the money for their meals if your parents were not happy about it.

RuleBritannia · 08/05/2012 16:20

My DH and I invited several of his 'similarly aged' relatives to a lunch (11 of us altogether). We set the table in the dining room and everything was ready but 14 people turned up. The extra three younger ones had not been invited. It meant that my DH, one of his sons and I had to have our lunch at the kitchen table. We will never forget that and always make plain on our invitations who is invited. (We did manage where the amount of food was concerned).

lunamoon · 08/05/2012 16:40

I think the bils are old enough and capable enough of paying for themselves.
It does seem as though if mummy dear isn't cooking and cleaning for them then they won't do it themselves.
I don't see why they would assume the ops parents would pay for them, unless of course they have personally cooked a meal for the op's parents.

I would just book a meal for your parents next time and not invite anyone else if it is this awkward. This also clears up the embarassing issue of eating in an expensive or overpriced restaurant.
I also don't think you can equate the cost of cooking a meal to eating out in a restaraunt, although it was nice of your in laws to invite them over.

NotQuitePerfect · 08/05/2012 16:41

MIL sounds a nightmare. What a horrible situation for you. You say they are well-off but grasping, sadly the two often go hand in hand. Have you heard the saying "Beware of rich friends - they end up costing you money." This seems true of your dreadful in-laws. One v rich friend of ours is so awkward about splitting bills at restaurants (arguing over who had what, and with the waiter as he always insists we've been overcharged when we haven't), it always leaves a nasty taste in the mouth, I want to yell at him to just pay up and shut up! But your case is different - think you're just going to have to let it go this time. But make sure you don't eat out with them again!

Mishy1234 · 08/05/2012 16:44

YANBU. Very rude and well done OP for pulling them up on it.

How rude as well for the BIL to have made a comment. Just goes to show he's as rude as his parents!

mynewpassion · 08/05/2012 17:03

Next time be clearer. Just case of misunderstanding as the BILS were at the original dinner and thought they were invited.

littlemslazybones · 08/05/2012 17:46

It seems like a genuine mistake to me. I think your MIL heard - 'I'd like to invite you out for lunch' and interpreted 'you' as the whole family. I don't think that I would assume any malice in that interpretation.

If I were the mil, I wouldn't assume that the sons were not invited based on the fact that your parents still don't know them very well. I might think it was a good opportunity for everyone to get to know each other better. As they hosted the last family meal, I would assume they are trying to forge a friendship.

If this were the case, I'd be naffed off that you created drama at the meal and so I agree with AThingInYourLife.

However, I'm obviously seeing this incident in isolation and it might well be that your MIL is a grasping cow. But on its own terms, it seems like an awkward mistake that you made worse.

Coconutty · 08/05/2012 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 08/05/2012 18:14

I'm surprised you said anything - if the brothers in law assuming they'd been invited on the same terms as your inlaws was odd, telling them that they should fish out the wallets at the meal was at least as odd, in my opinion.

Must have been a very strained coffee.

my2centsis · 08/05/2012 18:21

Yanbu

Rude! Out of interest who ended up paying for them?

DaDerDaDer · 08/05/2012 18:51

You may think MIL is a rude skinflint, but I think you have given them reason to think exactly this about you on this occasion.

They will be thinking saying on Internet forums:

When she said 'you' we though she meant all of us.

We assumed DSs were invited because they're parrt of the family, your brothers (to DH).

If your siblings were with your parents we'd always invite them.

We'd never invite someone and then ask someone to pay for themselves in a restaurant.

It was only two meals, couldn't they have just treated us to avoid the upset. That's what we'd do (they will say this even if it's not true, everyone believes the best of themselves and that they'd have behaved beautifully in any given situation, see any AIBU).

Asking them to pay once the misunderstanding had occurred did you make you look mean tbh.

ENormaSnob · 08/05/2012 19:00

My db(22) and dsis(25) still live with my mum and dad.

There is no way on earth that my mum would have brought them along to this.

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